“I know. I know I’m pushing too far. I did this, and I have to accept it. I just wanted to have a minute to tell you thanks for coming out, and I want you to stay and have a good time today. Regardless of what goes on with me and you, the Hellions are your family, too.”
She smiles at me. “Doll already told me the same thing and asked me to not take off early.”
I raise my eyebrow at her in silent question.
“I’ll hang around for a little while,” she says, but the very moment I start to think I have a little bit of hope, she adds, “with the girls.”
Without another word, she walks off with a swing to her jean-covered hips I haven’t seen in years. Damn, she’s hot like fire.
I follow her inside like a lost, damn dog, and I don’t even give a shit that I look like a whipped, little puppy. I will be her bitch any day to have back what we lost.
The last few months have been a hard transition, though a necessary one. I don’t believe marriages fall apart on their own. As hard as it is, I have to look inside myself and be accountable for my failures.
It would be easy to sit back and say love is a choice and Ruben made his. It would be easy to sit back and call my girlfriends to whine and bitch. It would be easy to tell the world, “He’s an asshole and lost the best thing that ever happened to him,” screaming it at the top of my lungs. It would be easy to simply hate him for hurting me.
What would any of that accomplish, though? What would any of that repair? The damage is done.
The fact is, I am not the same woman he fell in love with or married, just as he is not the same man I fell in love with or married. Somehow, over time, I got lost in being married, being a mom, and after that, I added in a full-time job.
Sometimes, saying nothing at all was easier because the truth of the matter was I had no energy left inside me to fight. When I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t see anything left of myself except my stamp of motherhood. As magical and wonderful as that is, where does that leave me? Where does that leave Jenna?
The answer is daunting.
It left me depleted. It left me numb. It left me unable to be anything more than the mother of my children. Most days, I went through the motions. I went from one task to the next, surviving. I have learned in this process that existing is not living.
Passion, wants, and desires, they fuel us. Getting by, while there is a season for it in life, is merely that—getting by. And it can be draining in its own way.
Ruben wanted the fire back between us. I failed him. I failed our marriage.
What I didn’t do was do it alone. Ruben failed us, too. He could have worked to keep the spark alive. He could have refused to accept my complacency. He could have called me out on my descent down the rabbit hole of existence. He didn’t.
He let me fall. He let us fail. Rather than find a solution, he fell out of love. He fell out of patience. He turned his back on what we built.
Together, we failed each other. Together, we destroyed what we so carefully created. Together, we failed to protect each other and our union. Together, we have now found a new life apart while respecting each other as the parents to our children.
Putting a little more sway in my step, I make my way inside the compound. The past is the past, and my future is and always will be tied to this club.
The first person I see is Pami, and I quickly give her a hug, feeling Ruben’s eyes on my ass the whole time.
Watch all you want, mister. It’s not yours anymore. I smile, thinking to myself, No, I belong to me. And I finally, for the first time in a long time, love me for me. For the first time since having my first daughter, my validation doesn’t come from being a mom or the milestones in my children’s lives.
Ruben is right behind me as Boomer comes over to join Pam and me when a barfly makes her way over. I roll my eyes yet keep my composure. If she wants to come over here, so be it.
“Boomer,” Ruben greets him in that half-hug thing they do. He is starting to talk when the barfly walks in front of me to him.
Handing him the cold beer in her hand, she smiles. “Thought you might be thirsty. You’ve been working hard while setting up, Ruby.”
I can’t hold back my laugh as she openly hits on my husband in front of me. Pami is glaring at the woman while Boomer watches her, wide-eyed.
“I’m married,” Ruben says to her.
“Rumor has it you’re living on the compound, and you’re separated.” She takes a pull of the beer she brought over for him. “I figured we could share a drink and relax a little.”
“Taken,” Ruben confirms once more, this time lifting his tattooed ring finger up for evidence.
I laugh harder. “Rumor is true. Don’t let him fool you, sweetheart. He’s just not interested in you. He lives on the compound, and he’s no longer taken. You can have him all you want, but I warn you now, stay the fuck away from my kids.” I lower my voice. “If you even say hello to my children, I’ll cut you, bitch. Know that.”
She chokes on the beer, looking at me like I’m crazy. She should know, if she fucks with my kids, I am bat-shit fucking crazy.
Ruben looks from her to me, then me to her before back to me. “I’m not taken, huh? Who’s not signing shit, Vida?”
Oh, that’s the game he wants to play.
I put my hand on my hip and look him dead in his eyes, “I’m not signing shit, mother fucker; that’s who.”
The barfly, not knowing what to do, moves away. “Apparently, you two have some stuff to work out. I’ll see you around, Ruby.”
“Don’t bother,” he barks back before looking at me. “Can’t have it both ways, Vida. Can’t keep me and turn me loose.”
“I’m not trying to have you. I’m keeping a name for my kids.”
He smiles and steps closer to me. “Keep telling yourself it’s for your kids. Truth is, baby, it’s yours. There will only ever be one Mrs. Ruben Castillo, and she’s right in front of my face.”
“Ruben, we’re done playing games with each other,” I say firmly.
“No games, baby. I fucked up. I lost you because I didn’t hold on tightly enough. I lost us to life, work, kids, and everything in between. That’s on me, Vida. I know what I had, what I lost, and I damn sure will fight to get it back.”
“There’s nothing to get back.”
He laughs as he leans in and whispers, “The lies we tell ourselves don’t change the truth. Don’t fight us; never fight us. Fight for us, Vida, not against us.”
Fight for Us
I have had my moment, my epiphany. I fucked up, but in the process, my woman found herself again.
I’m hot for her. I’m hot for us. The heat is back and stronger than ever. For the first time in I can’t remember when, I feel again. I feel alive.
Life. Vida.
Things aren’t right yet, but they will be. I will fight until the end to have my family back.
Two days after the barbeque, I’m at work with my mind on my family. Going into the office, I pull out my wallet.
“Amy,” I greet our receptionist, “I need to order some flowers for my wife to be delivered to her work. Sign the card from my kids.”
Amy’s eyes get big. “Roses or anything particular?”
“Something bright to make her smile.” I toss my credit card on her desk.
“Someone got his head outta his ass,” Frisco says, coming in the office from behind me.
I laugh yet don’t argue with him.
I have had opportunities to be with other women, but they aren’t my wife. They aren’t Jenna. They don’t spark inside me what she does. They don’t have the loyalty she does.
Having this time, these nights alone in my duplex without my kids, without her laying over me, I realize just how good I had it.
If you love something, set it free … I will never be free, nor do I want to be. We are tied together by our children, but more than that, by our connection to each other.
“Thanks for helping me, Amy,” I say
, exiting the room and going back to work.
Frisco joins me not long after. He has tasked himself with taking care of Amy since the Delatorre situation that landed Tank in the hospital so long ago. She’s finally not the skittish mouse she was when she first arrived, and I can’t help wondering if she can be the Hellions original’s chance at love—real love and real loyalty.
“I’m proud of you, Ruby.”
“For what?”
“Figuring your shit out before it got too late and too much time was lost. The thing about life is it passes in the blink of an eye. Long before we realize it, we lose time, too much time. There are a few things you can’t get back, and that’s one of them.”
I look at him over the hood of the Camaro we are working on. “You speak the truth, brother.”
He smirks. “Always. Next time, you should listen sooner.”
“There won’t be a next time. I’m not letting go again.”
“Good to know.”
We finish work, and I’m putting my tools up for the day when my phone pings with a text.
Nice touch. Thank you for the flowers. They made me smile.
Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have seen that smile for myself.
Replying, I send up a silent prayer that she will be receptive.
I’m sorry … for everything. My head is outta my ass now.
Waiting around, I get anxious for a reply. When one doesn’t come after a little bit, I figure she’s driving and will reply later, so I make my way to my duplex.
I’m just pulling my boots off when my phone rings, and the display has me smiling.
“Vida,” I answer.
“I’m driving, so I didn’t want to text you back, and I want to have this conversation when the children aren’t around.”
My heart sinks at her tone. “What conversation is that?”
“You’ve gotta know, Ruben…” She pauses, and I hear her breathe deeply.
“You got someone else?” I bark out the first thing that comes to mind.
She huffs in exasperation. “No, sonso.” I laugh at her calling me names. “You need to know nothing between us changes. You can’t wake up one day and decide you love me again, and all is forgiven.”
She’s right. More than being right, I don’t expect nor would I want her to be eager to go straight back to where we were.
“I don’t want that, Vida.”
“What do you want then?”
“A second chance,” I simply say. “A new beginning. We have grown. We both have changed. I want the woman you are to be the woman you are with me. I don’t want a doormat, never have. I want to fuck up and have you call me on it. I want us to be together, but you as Jenna, not just as my wife—as your own self.”
She’s quiet for a beat. “I don’t know if I can get passed the hurt.”
Damn, I sure have made a mess of things.
“I understand, but I want a chance to make it right. I want a chance for us to find each other again. I want a chance to find the heat between us again.”
“I don’t even know where to begin to rebuild,” she replies honestly and in a somewhat sad tone.
“The same way it all started years ago.” I pause, giving her time to think. “Friendship. You have always been more than Julio’s little sister; you have always been my friend first.”
“And how do you suggest we do that?”
“Dinner. You, me, and if you’re more comfortable, the kids,” I say with a little too much hope in my voice.
“No kids. I don’t want to give them the wrong idea. I don’t want them to be caught in some game between us.”
“No game.”
She sighs. “I wish I could believe it.”
I deserve that. It’s my fault she has no faith in me, in us. I will spend the rest of my life giving her something to believe in every single day. We both failed to hold on to what we created. I am just as guilty as she is.
“Just give me a chance.”
While she remains on the phone, I can hear the sounds of her car running, but she doesn’t speak.
“Give us a chance,” I plead.
“I need time.”
“Understood.” I pause. “No matter what, Vida, I want you to be happy and secure. I sent the flowers just to put a smile on your face. This has been hard on us both. I was thinking of you and our kids, and I just wanted you to know you’re appreciated.”
There is no hesitation. “It was a great surprise and much appreciated.”
“Be safe getting home, Vida. Give the kids my love.”
“Will do. Goodnight, Ruben.”
He can’t honestly think, because he has suddenly figured out what he wants, I’m going to accept it. Ruben may want me back, but can he handle the person I am? I refuse to get lost after I found myself again. I found Jenna Mariella Natera de Castillo. I can look in the mirror and be proud.
I am strong.
I am loyal.
I am a great damn mom.
I am a hard worker.
I am beautiful … and not just because my kids think it.
I am the best damn thing that ever walked into Ruben Castillo’s life.
The flowers today were nice. I was surprised because he’s never done that before. To put them from our children was an added bonus.
Can I find a way to work through all the pain? Can we really have a second chance?
It’s all too much. I don’t know how to process any of this.
My thoughts go crazy as a light on my dashboard catches my attention, and the ping of my gas monitor alerting me to low fuel leaves me exhausted. Can I ever catch a break?
I laugh to myself, thinking of the many times Ruben has gotten so mad at me when he’s gotten in the van and it’s below a quarter of a tank.
“Vida, don’t put yourself in a situation to have to worry about running out.”
“Jenna, do you know how bad this is for the engine? Letting it get this low will draw the crud up and junk up your injectors. Now we need to make sure you have a clean fuel filter. Just more work for me.”
“If pumping gas is that much of a chore, tell me when you get to a quarter of a tank, and I’ll fill it up.”
“Every damn time I get in your van, you’ve got no gas. Do you ever pump gas?”
I can hear him in my head as I mentally figure out how many miles I should have left. I contemplate just filling up in the morning, but then decide against pushing my luck.
Stopping at the next gas station, I pull up to the pump with my mind all over the place then get out without thinking about my surroundings. I don’t think about anything except my husband wanting a second chance. I pull the lever by the driver’s door to pop open the gas cover. Leaning inside my van, I get my credit card from my purse. I’m sticking it in the pump when I hear my phone ping with a text. Worried it could be about the kids, I go back to the driver’s door and reach for my phone.
There is a shadow that moves in, causing me to lean in more as my phone starts to ring. Julio’s contact information is the last thing I see before something solid comes down on the back of my head and neck, and then the darkness ensues. Limp.
Out cold.
The last noise I hear is my phone ringing and the gas pump dinging for me to remove my card. My last thought is: why is my brother calling now? We talk on weekends when it’s cheaper, so what’s the emergency?
If only my mind had been on the alert, maybe I could have realized the emergency was me.
Time is lost.
Desperation hits me as the pain radiates from the back of my head and down my spine. I blink.
Darkness.
My eyelashes feel something soft. Blindfolded … I’m blindfolded.
I start move my hands, only to find my wrists are tied. What the hell is happening?
I was at the gas station. My phone rang … My brother called. Why?
The pain.
Someone has me. Why?
While I don’t speak, my breathing is heavy an
d loud. I bite against the dirty cloth gagging my mouth. If someone is watching me, I need to calm down and get myself together.
Slowly, I try to pull my feet apart, only to find my ankles have also been bound.
Senses. Think, Jenna.
Sight: I blink again. The cloth against my eyes is soft but dark, so I move my gaze down. There is a crack where I can see slightly. However, my surroundings are too dark to make out anything with my limited visibility.
Smell: I breathe in deeply. There are no distinct smells around me.
Taste: The cloth in my mouth is rough and dry. It tastes of dirt and feels like a shop rag Ruben would have out in the garage.
Touch: I twist my hands and struggle to feel behind me and under me. Hard. Metal.
Sound: Sitting quietly, I try to ignore the throbbing in my head enough to listen to everything around me. Silence.
I’m in the dark, some place alone, sitting on metal, like in the back of a work van. I’m not able to move easily, see, or speak. Okay, think, Jenna.
The kids are with Pam and Boomer. When I don’t arrive, she will call Ruben.
Time. How long have I been out? Are my kids worried by now? Does Ruben even know I have been taken? I know Pamela and Boomer will take care of my babies. I just don’t know how they will handle me being gone. I have never failed to be where I said I would be for my kids.
Why have I been taken? Is it because of the Hellions?
Certainly, whoever has me knows I’m of no value to the club. Hell, I’m technically not an ol’ lady to the Hellions right now.
The club has rules. They have a code they live by. Women are supposed to be off limits. This isn’t the first time a woman would have been targeted based on association, though. Doll was watched by Delatorre and put in enough danger that Roundman felt the need to send her away. The club handled business, but lives were lost, and Tank ended up in a coma for quite some time.
In Catawba, there was an issue when a club we were doing business with had a member attack Tessie who was under club protection. Retribution was had, and in the end, Tessie and Shooter found love. Rex, too, found his ol’ lady when he had to protect her from situations not related to the club.
Heated Ride: Hellions Motorcycle Club (The Hellions Ride Series Book 7) Page 9