Ride or die, we do it together.
In this journey, I learned it hurts my man and my family as a whole when I simply lie down and push through everything to merely get to the next task. I learned I am more than the caretaker of our household.
I am vital.
I am who I am, and I am loved for me exactly as I am, flawed and all. It’s okay to ask for more from my husband and my friends. It’s okay, when the time is right, to pick my battles and fight for what I want and need. It’s not okay to simply accept this is how it has to be. It’s not okay to think those around me will simply play along, waiting for some change to happen. This is not fake it until you make it. This is life, and it’s time to live it.
I’m not sure how much time passes before I finally wake up. Stretching, I realize Ruben isn’t with me. More than that, I ache. Doc Kelly wasn’t kidding about feeling worse than after having a baby. My body was made to accomplish that; it was not made to be tied up and used for a cutting board.
It takes a little more time than usual to dress, but once I get up and moving, I want nothing more than to see my babies.
“Vida,” Ruben says from the kitchen, carrying a glass of milk. He watches me like he thinks I’m going to break.
“I need to see my kids, Ruben.”
He nods. “They’re at Boomer and Pam’s now.”
I swallow the apprehension that’s building. “What are we going to tell them? I don’t want them to be scared their tio’s business will bring them harm.”
“Roundman is going today to pick you up a brand new SUV. We’ve been wanting a bigger vehicle, anyway. He knows a guy who can get us a deal on a Suburban. We can explain the bruising, cuts, and pain by saying you were in a mild car accident.”
I nod my head. “I’m good with that.” I don’t want my children to worry, and I am happy to not see my van again. I don’t think I would be comfortable in it anymore.
He smiles when he reaches me. When he hands me the glass of milk and a Tylenol, I laugh.
“I know you won’t want anything stronger than this, but you need to take something to at least take the edge off.”
I smile back. “Gonna take care of me, are you?”
“For the rest of my life,” Ruben answers immediately before leaning down and brushing his lips to mine. “Let’s go and get our kids.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“For what?”
“Saving me, pushing me, and more than anything, staying by my side. I know things have been a mess for a long time, not just since the separation. When they had me, though, I knew you would fight to find me. I never doubted you.”
He wraps his arms around me. “Don’t say stuff that makes me want to take you to bed and spend hours lost inside you when we need to get you to our babies so you can hug them and give them all that mami squishy shit you do.” He kisses my forehead. “Thank you for always staying by my side and never doubting I would come through for you.”
Hand in hand, Ruben and I make our way over to Boomer and Pam’s. We don’t knock; we walk right in, and the sight has me folding over, laughing.
In the recliner is Nathan ‘Boomer’ Vaughn with his head back and a pirate hat on his head, a Nerf gun on his lap, and my two girls at his feet, painting his toenails while he sleeps. Pam is in the kitchen, sipping coffee and watching the mayhem. The boys are all playing cars down the hallway that has become their own drag strip.
RJ makes it to me first. “Mami, I tried to keep him manly with the gun and the hat,” he explains.
The girls carefully put the lids on their pink and neon-green nail polishes before making their way to me.
Maritza reaches me with a smile. “We went camping. Booma said whoever fell asleep first would get shaving cream on their face or markers. Well, we all fell asleep at the same time. Then Booma brought us home, but Mami, he couldn’t stay awake, so Mariella and I decided we would have some sleepover fun.”
Boomer rubs his eyes as he wakes up and looks down at his toes. My girls glance up, wondering if he’s going to be mad, but the bearded beast of a man starts laughing at himself.
“Guess I earned this one.”
“Your secret is safe with us, Booma,” Ruben mocks with a smile.
I breathe in and out. When was the last time we could be with friends together and laugh? It’s been far too long. We have tall walls to climb over, but with love, we can conquer anything.
One Day at a Time
Children are resilient, they say. I am a believer now. Surprisingly, they haven’t questioned the accident. They have merely spent the last few days helping to care for their injured mother.
As each day passes, Vida starts to feel better, and we find a routine together. Still, apprehension fills me. I am home with my wife and my children, but will she make me leave again?
She has needed me to help her shower, bandage her wounds, and take care of the kids. As she gets stronger, I find myself wondering when this will all come to an end.
She steps out of the shower on her own and is moving to the closet to get dressed when I walk into our room, not thinking. The towel covering her body moves, and I can see the still healing marks on her abdomen.
They caused her pain. I caused her pain. It kills me knowing all that she has had to endure because of me, because of her brother, and because we have failed her.
“Vida,” I whisper as my heart breaks into a million pieces.
She looks at me, not understanding. “Are you okay, Ruby?”
I reach out and pull her to me. Surprisingly, she falls into my embrace freely.
“Life,” I whisper, kissing the top of her head. “You gave me life.”
Her arms wrap around my waist, and I feel whole once again.
“Ruby,” she whispers.
“Shh, just let me hold you.”
I need her in my arms. I need to know I have her back. I need to feel her safe … with me. I haven’t always done right by her, and the future is unknown, but one thing is for sure: I will make mistakes. I am a man. I am a flawed man. But with everything I am, I love this woman.
“Vida, mi amor.”
She grips me more tightly.
“I’m sorry, Jenna. I’m sorry for hurting you, hurting us. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry they ever got to you. I’m sorry you hurt.” As emotions overwhelm me, I drop to my knees in front of her.
The towel falls as she rests her hands on my shoulders and watches me. Her skin is red with parts scabbed over in healing. Gently, I run my fingers over her marred stretch marks.
“I know you are raw inside and out. I know the wounds cut deeper than the skin. I know this will take time.” I look to her eyes. “I beg you, Vida, don’t push me out. Give me a second chance. Give us a second chance.”
Tears fill her eyes as I trace each mark done to her. Sadness and anger fill me as I look at the inflamed skin. The very skin that has been stretched and bore the mark of giving life and is now marred by the damage of another man’s greed.
“Lo siento, mi amor, lo siento,” I apologize to her as I continue to run my fingers over the marks. “You gave me life in more ways than one. When they had you, I had to face the thought of a life without you, and Jenna, there is none. Without you, there is no me, and I can see clearly now you are my future; you are my past; you are my life. I don’t want to be without you.”
She cups my face in her hand, her thumb running over the gem tattoo under my eye. “Ruben Castillo, you are a beautiful man.” She smiles softly. “You light a fire inside me hotter than anyone else. You drive me crazy, drive me wild, and you keep me grounded. You have the power to hurt me more than anyone in the world.”
I try to drop my head in shame, but she holds me firmly.
“You are my Ruby, my gem. You are my heat, my passion, and you are my life.
“While they had me, I tried to think of your life without me. I tried to think of our kids, and it killed me, Ruben, but it also gave me the power to hold st
rong. You give me that. You give me the power to be me, even when I want to stab you sometimes.”
When I lean in and kiss her belly, she tenses, which reminds me of her injuries. We can’t be rushed. Healing can’t be rushed.
“I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know I don’t want it to be without you and our kids. I want our family to be together,” I say, uncertain where she is going with everything.
“No one knows what the future holds, Ruby. We have to ride the rocky path together. We have to enjoy the smooth times and hold tight to each other on the curves and every bump along the way. It’s not going to be easy, so we have to take it one day at a time.”
Relief fills me, heat warms me, and love consumes me.
Picking up the towel, I wrap it around her as I stand.
“I love you, Jenna Mariella Castillo.” I brush my lips to hers. “My Vida.” I kiss her again.
Slowly, she opens her mouth, and I take her bottom lip between mine. Then I trace a line with my tongue as her hands come up to my neck. She rubs the place where Vida is tattooed while I deepen our kiss. Softly, our tongues meet, and sparks fly through me.
I feel the heat.
I feel the love.
I feel it all.
She does this to me. She has this power over me. No one else, only her: my wife, my life, my Vida.
Life is a rollercoaster of ups and downs. I think back to riding the Dragon’s Tail with Ruben and the many curves along the way. Our life is a lot like that ride: a lot of holding on; depending on each other; and finding the joy, even in the scariest of times.
It’s a Hellions rite of passage to take the eleven mile course with over three hundred curves. It’s an honor as an ol’ lady to ride it with your man. You have to trust him and his brothers as you go through the mountain, two by two, on the winding and narrow road.
Just like that ride, I know I can trust our Hellions MC family in life. I can trust that Ruben and I have both found our way. It won’t be easy, and there will be a lot of rebuilding to do between us, but we are better together than we are apart.
In some ways it seems crazy to take him back. I have to ask myself if I can handle that level of pain again should it all far apart. At the end of the day, though, I also have to ask myself do I want to lose the man I have given it all to on a chance that he could break my heart and miss out on what could be an amazing future. What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. Going through the loss, getting taken, and not knowing whether I would see him or my children again has strengthened me. I know myself. I am aware of how easy it is to lose myself into my roles as wife and mother. I won’t do that again. When I ask myself what I can and can’t survive, I know I can make it through should it all fall apart again. What I can’t overcome is the questions I would always wonder if I walked away and didn’t give us a second chance.
Ruben leaves me to get dressed after sharing a soft, slow kiss together, and then I stand in the closet and stare at its mostly empty contents.
I smile to myself. Just like this closet, without Ruben, I am missing something. I am me always. I can stand on my own, and nothing will fall, but I am not full unless I have him. This very closet that contains our clothes is not full without the two of us becoming one together, mixing ourselves and blending our lives into one complete unit.
There have been many times I have packed Ruben’s things, just to set them outside when, deep in my heart, I knew I would take him back. Now, as I stand in this closet and look at his missing items, I realize that, each time I was packing him up, I was doing it knowing he still belonged beside me.
I pull down my clothing and dress with the hopes that my husband will soon return his things to where they belong, and never again will our closet or our lives have to be half full.
When I make my way to the kitchen, I can’t help laughing. Ruben has all three kids at the table with their bowls in front of him. On the countertop, I see seven boxes of cereal lined up, and five of them have already been opened. Ruben is pouring another bowl when he stops and sees me.
“Take your pick.” He smirks and gestures to the boxes.
“That’s not how this works,” I joke.
“See? I told you Mami would only let us open one box at a time. The cereal can go bad if we don’t eat it right away,” Maritza pipes up first while RJ drops his head.
“Umm…” Ruben says, and then he reaches out and pulls me to him. “I can’t cook, Vida. They didn’t need to eat the same thing three meals a day,” he whispers.
I can’t stop myself from laughing. “Who has been making me soup and sandwiches, then, if you guys have had to eat cereal?”
“Pami,” Mariella is the first to answer. “Booma and Pami have been bringing over food for you and all of us. Papi just keeps offering cereal. So, vegetables or cereal, what would you pick?”
I laugh as I lean into Ruben. “It’s a good thing Mami is feeling better, then, so we can get back to eating right and not just sugar and milk.”
“Aw, man,” RJ whines. “I like when Papi is in charge.”
Ruben laughs, and then everything gets quiet.
“Is Papi going to have to leave again since you’re feeling better, Mami?” Maritza asks, and my heart breaks that my children have felt this pain.
“Sometimes, you have to take some time to breathe to learn just how good you have it,” Ruben begins to explain.
I decide they are young, so I interject with the easiest of replies. “Papi is home, and everything is good between us. Don’t worry yourselves over it. Just know your papi is home.”
As he smiles down at me, my life feels like it is beginning again. Our kids are healthy, happy, and satisfied with my answer. My man is home, healthy, happy, and he’s in love with me. I am alive, home, and I found myself again.
Life is good. We just have to take it all one day at a time.
Mrs. Castillo
One Month Later
My phone rings, making my adrenaline automatically kick in when I see the name on the display.
“Julio,” I answer sharply.
“Mi hermana is not answering my calls; why? I got your gift,” he says, referring to the debtor returned to him. “I have reached out since finding out Jenna is safe. Why is she not answering me?”
Damn right she’s not. When his life invaded ours, my wife decided that is a danger she will not have our children subjected to. She made the decision to cut her brother off, and I support it.
“We’re done, Julio. She’s not answering because she’s done. I’m done. We’re done.”
“The hell we are! We’re family. You owe me.”
I owe him? What the hell is he thinking? Has he been smoking the dope he’s been selling? It’s a good thing he’s in Mexico, because if he were here, I would drain the life from his body myself.
“I don’t owe you shit.”
“You failed my sister.”
“I failed!” I yell, not holding back. “I vowed to be her protector and her provider. It wasn’t my danger that came to her doorstep. The blowback was on you! I take care of what’s mine.”
He laughs into the phone, only angering me further. “Is she yours?”
“Jenna Mariella Castillo is and always has been my Vida. She is the first and only Mrs. Ruben Castillo,” I clip out at him. “You know how our culture is, and you should have protected her. You. Failed. A Natera, she is no more.”
“Don’t you—”
“Don’t I, what?” I goad. “It’s my calls she answers. It’s my arms she finds safety in. It’s my life she shares in. We are the Castillos, and the next time your shit finds its way into my world, it’s the last time, for the ties will be severed in death—yours.”
He mutters something in shock before he says, “Don’t you threaten me.”
“It’s a promise, not a threat.”
“I’ve never had a problem with the Hellions. Don’t make there be one now, Ruby.”
It’s my turn to laugh. “The momen
t your business crossed into our territory, you had a problem. My loyalty to you was over after your man was delivered. That is the last marker I’ll ever give you.”
“Stop this, amigo.”
“Listen, Julio, and listen carefully,” I instruct, pausing to make sure I have his attention. “We’re done. Jenna is done with you. She’s Mrs. Castillo, ol’ lady in the Hellions MC. Make sure your people know she’s untouchable. The next time—should there ever be one—you’ll pay the price.”
He says nothing, and knowing my message has been received, I end the call.
Julio is in deep back home, running his own territory. He has found some way to smuggle drugs here to the US, which has been profitable for him. However, standing on his own two feet in a life of crime has come at a price: his family. I cannot stand here and say my hands are clean. I cannot say the club I claim is on the up and up as far as the laws of our nation go. What I can say is, for every crime that has been committed, it has been followed through based on a code. I cannot say the same for Julio.
He once was at a crossroad, and he followed the wrong path. Julio is driven by power and greed. The Hellions and the life I lead are driven by family. I am never alone, and I am never in need. I don’t have to watch my back; my brothers will do it for me.
Julio will never have this. He will never sleep easy at night, knowing his woman is safe. He’s too far gone. There’s no turning back for him or for me.
Once upon a time, long ago when we were two young men, Julio and I were at a crossroads together. We watched as Juan lost his life to the violence of gang life in Mexico.
How can they call that family when, day in and day out, people are dying, some by the hands of their so-called amigos?
We fought hard to get away from the temptation of drugs and easy money. We worked hard to pave a new path here in America.
When we came to the next crossroad in life together, Julio chose a different direction from me. We both picked a road less traveled with many curves and bumps along the way. He wasn’t so far misguided that he couldn’t have found a better way; he just didn’t.
Heated Ride: Hellions Motorcycle Club (The Hellions Ride Series Book 7) Page 13