Is This All There Is?

by Mann, Patricia

  “What is it you’re so desperate to know?”

  “How old was I the first time?”

  “Seven,” she said with resignation.

  I closed my eyes. Seven, the same age as Sam.

  “Why do you think he did it?”

  “You know why. After the way we got married, I couldn’t have expected... ” I could tell she didn’t want to upset me. “Well, you remember.”

  “Of course I do, Mom. You don’t forget that kind of thing.” I thought about the day I figured it out. I burst into their bedroom in the morning and handed them a handmade card that read Happy Fourteenth Anniversary. They laughed and corrected my error. “Honey, it’s only our thirteenth anniversary,” my mother said.

  “But it can’t be. I’ll be thirteen in six months.” My seventh grade health teacher had recently taught us about the nine-month gestational period, and I was proud of my grown-up knowledge. My parents didn’t respond. I stared at them, confused for a second, and then it hit me. “Oh my God,” I said. My father gave my mother a knowing nod and left the room. She told me the whole story, although only a few details stuck: They were nineteen, college sophomores when they met, both completely inexperienced. After a few months of dating he spent the night at her dorm room, and two weeks later her period didn’t come. I was assured that although the circumstances weren’t ideal, my parents wanted me and loved me.

  I crawled out of my mother’s arms and looked up at her face now. The eyelids were a bit hooded, but her twinkly blue eyes were still striking. I wished I had inherited her psoriasis, which caused her skin to exfoliate rapidly, making her look closer to forty than sixty.

  “Wasn’t it hard for you to hide everything from me for all those years?”

  “I assumed you were… aware… in your own way.”

  “I was. I knew you weren’t happy and dad wasn’t around much. Except when he tucked me in at night. I loved how he would ask me to tell him the best and worst parts of my day. He really listened to my answers. He was a good father, when he was there. And he’s such a good grandfather now. I know he’d do anything for my boys. But still… I mean… why did he have to…? I guess it’s complicated. I don’t know.”

  “I wish I hadn’t told you about your father’s affairs. It was unfair of me to burden you with... ”

  “Mom, I’m not blaming you for anything, I’m just trying to figure out my own life.”

  “You know I always loved you, Beth. I was just so young. I had no idea what to give to a little girl and I didn’t trust my own instincts.”

  “Mom, I don’t want to get into this now. I’ve told you a million times that I understand and I forgive you. I’m lucky to be here. I know you did the best you could.”

  “Then why are you asking these questions now? What is it you’re trying to figure out?”

  I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “You want me to talk but you’re not willing to reciprocate.” Sometimes she felt more like an older sister than a mother.

  “Okay, you want to hear it?” I looked into her tired eyes. “Last night I kissed a twenty one year old kid who used to be a student of mine.”

  “So Rick’s not the one having an affair.”

  “I’m not having an affair, Mom, but last night I came a little too close.”

  “You’re just like your father that way. You try so hard, do all the right things, take care of everybody else until you explode and act out, doing something destructive. You did things like this all the time when you were young, with the pot and the drinking and… ”

  “Bullshit! I didn’t come up with the idea of drinking and getting high on my own. If you recall, while you were out growing up and finding yourself, that’s what I was learning about from all the aunts and uncles you left me with.”

  She covered her mouth with her hand and looked at me as her eyes became wet. I watched as a thick tear made its way through her lower lashes and down her chin, landing just above her breast. I hugged her.

  “I’m sorry, Mom. Something’s going on with me and I need to figure it out. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

  Tears continued to stream down her face and I couldn’t bear the guilt. I rocked her back and forth. We both cried.

  “Mom, I love you. I’m far from being a perfect mother myself. I’m smothering my kids. I have no life of my own.”

  She took a few gulps of air and wiped the tears from her cheeks.

  “Why don’t you let me help you?”

  “I will Mom, I will. I have to stop doing this to you.”

  Suddenly we heard a key in the front door. We looked at each other with panic and scurried to the bathroom. We started giggling as we wiped each other’s tears with wads of toilet paper and emerged hoping we looked as if nothing had happened.

  Chapter 9

  “Mama.” Jack ran into my arms. I hugged him and peppered his cheeks with kisses.

  “I missed you.” I turned to Sam and told him I missed him too. He was wearing the shirt that has the word homework circled with a red line through it. I thought I had gotten rid of that one.

  “Yeah, Mom. You know last night a little while after Dad put me to bed, I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep so he let me watch the science channel with him until eleven.”

  “Really, eleven o’clock, huh?” I gave Rick a “you’ve got some explaining to do” look and he shot one back that reminded me I had some bigger explaining to do.

  “Gama, Gama!” Jack squirmed and kicked in my arms to get me to set him free. He waddled over to my mother, who laid him on the couch and tickled him. He squealed with delight.

  “And, Mom?”

  “Yeah, Sammy?”

  “Uhm, did you know that the earth is heating up so much that in a few thousand years it’s all gonna burn up and everyone living on earth is gonna die?” My mother looked horrified.

  “No, Sam, honey, that can’t be true,” I said. Rick and Sam looked at each other and shook their heads.

  “Is it?” I asked.

  “Of course it’s true, Mom. We saw it on the science channel.”

  “Well, that’s really depressing.” I didn’t know what else to say.

  “No, Mom, it’s not because by then people will have figured out how to live on other planets.” My head hurt. I was in no condition to talk about moving to another planet when I couldn’t figure out how to survive on this one.

  “That’s really interesting, Samo. Can you tell me more about it later? I’m going to lie down and nurse Jack.”

  Jack was in my mother’s arms cooing and playing with the zipper of her sweatjacket.

  Rick bit the inside of his lip as he searched my face.

  “Actually, do you think that’s a good idea when you probably still have all that uhm, stuff in your system?”

  “What stuff, Mom? Is it lead poisoning? A tapeworm?”

  “You haven’t nursed him for over 24 hours. Maybe we should see how long he can go,” Rick said.

  “What are you saying? He’s only 14 months old.”

  He grunted. “A lot of people would think that’s plenty of time.”

  I wondered how his navy blue golf shirt and Khaki Dockers stayed so wrinkle free. Maybe he was born with some kind of divine immunity from ever looking even the slightest bit disheveled.

  “I’ll stop nursing when I’m ready, not when you decide it’s time.”

  My mom tried to get the boys to go in the backyard with her but Sam wouldn’t budge.

  “When you’re ready? What about if he’s ready? He’s been fine without it all this time.”

  “Yeah Mom, he doesn’t need it anymore. Why are you forcing your boobs on him?” Sam laughed and pulled up his shirt to show his little pink nipples. “Come here little Jack, my baby, take my boobies.”

  “Stop that right now!” He glared at me.

  Jack wiggled out of my mother’s arms and onto the floor. The butter colored curls on the sides of his head were matted while the frizzy ones
on top reached upward. It wouldn’t have occurred to Rick to comb it, much less wet it and arrange the curls neatly the way I did every morning. Sam continued to taunt him by getting on his knees and pushing his chest into Jack’s face, which Jack found hysterical. His huge baby belly laughs made me smile. I knew I shouldn’t because it would only encourage Sam, but I couldn’t stop myself. Rick was staring at me now, waiting for my attention to return to him. I sighed and made eye contact.

  “Listen, I’m just saying let’s see if he even asks. What’s that method the breastfeeding Nazis use again, the way you did it with Sam, that ‘don’t offer, don’t allow,’ or something like that?”

  “What’s a Nazi dad?”

  “Actually it’s, ‘don’t offer, don’t refuse’ and you know I hate it when you call La Leche League the breastfeeding Nazis. That’s a horrible word to use for something so positive.”

  “Why is it a horrible word, Mom? Ha! I’m a Nazi!” Sam grabbed a wooden sword from the large wicker basket overflowing with toys in the corner of the living room. Along with it spilled out a blue light saber, a Nerf football and a lime green tennis ball, which rolled across the floor and landed under the couch. He didn’t seem to notice. He had become Zorro, slicing his weapon through the air in front of Jack’s face.

  “I’m going to get you little boy.” Jack waddled away from him, shrieking with laughter and Sam followed.

  “Okay Sam, if you keep this up you won’t get your gold star today.”

  He dropped his sword, slumped down on the couch and hung his head low, defeated. It wasn’t worth waiting one extra day for the remote control car he had coming after 12 more gold star days.

  I sat next to him and ran my hand from his scalp to the base of his neck. His hair was so soft. He put his head in my lap and I gently pulled the straight blond strands through my fingers and let them fall back onto his head. I wondered how he had gotten so much of Rick’s DNA while Jack seemed to inherit mostly mine. His hair was pure silk. It made me think about Dave’s hair. That yummy apple smell. I wanted to know how it felt. I leaned back and closed my eyes and for a second I imagined that I was caressing Dave’s head instead of Sam’s. I saw those green eyes staring into me. My chest ached with desire. When I opened my eyes and came back to reality, I felt sick again. I slowly lifted Sam’s head from my lap to take a sip of water. Rick made himself look busy by leafing through some DVDs on a shelf but I knew he was waiting for me to return to the conversation again.

  “You’re absolutely right, Rick. I’ll just wait and see. If he doesn’t ask, I mean if he’s ready, I guess I should be too.” There was a long silence.

  My mom broke the tension.

  “Well, then are the boys ready to go?”

  “Go where?” I asked.

  “I had a feeling you forgot. You said I could take them to the zoo today.”

  “Oh, right. Sorry.”

  “The zoo! The zoo! Mom, can we go? Please?”

  “Of course you can,” Rick said. “Your mom and I have to take a trip over the hill to pick up her car anyway. You’ll have much more fun going to the zoo with Grandma.” I could feel his eyes on me as he spoke to Sam, but I refused to look at him.

  “Yeah, Mom, what happened to your car? Did someone steal it?”

  “It wouldn’t start.”

  A slicing pain shot through my chest and into my left arm. Deceit. I was no good at it, and I hated myself for it.

  After my mother carted the boys off to the zoo, I took another long hot shower, scrubbing my body vigorously. I wasn’t looking forward to the drive with Rick. I climbed into the old restored Toyota Land Cruiser that he seemed to love more than me, and for the first ten minutes of the drive neither of us spoke. I wondered if he could last the entire time without saying a word.

  “Sorry about my car.”

  “Um hmm. Better than driving drunk. I just hope it’s still there.”

  Another five minutes passed. Rick turned on the radio and found the car guys on National Public Radio. They couldn’t stop laughing as they listened to a bubbly female college student attempt to emulate the strange rumbling sound her Honda Civic was making.

  I stared out the window. There wasn’t much to look at on the 405 freeway. The traffic slowed to ten miles an hour around Getty Center Drive. I replayed the moments leading up to the kiss in my mind. The way he seemed so interested in everything I had to say. The way he looked at me. His voice, his smell, his dimple, the stubble on his chin. Tingles ran up and down my legs. I took a deep breath and tried to push him out of my mind.

  I saw my mother’s face. I already regretted telling her about the kiss. But it was a fitting penance. In our typical fashion, my mother and I were not likely to discuss it ever again. I would have to live with the fact that she knew my dirty little secret. Whenever she saw me with my husband or attending to my children she would know that I’m not really the person I’m pretending to be. She would know that this woman who appears to be the perfect wife and mother has an ugly dark side, just like her father and his siblings.

  I closed my eyes and let myself remember the sensation of Dave’s body pressed against mine. Shortness of breath. An instant warming between my legs. I swallowed hard and looked at Rick. The guilt produced a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. This poor man has no idea what his wife was doing last night, I thought. He’s taking me to pick up my deserted car after a night of debauchery and he doesn’t even have any questions, I thought. Guilt turned into irritation as I wondered why he didn’t have any questions. Maybe he wouldn’t even care if he knew that I kissed someone else. After all, he hadn’t kissed me in ages. What right did he have to confine me to a life free of kissing? Real kissing, long, wet, passionate kisses, like the ones I had with Dave. Then again, maybe he would care. Maybe he would even leave me. Fear took over. The seriousness of what I had done and what I still wanted to do hit me. I could lose everything. I didn’t want to want what I wanted. But the craving was so strong, I felt powerless over it.

  I looked at Rick again and thought about how I used to take his hand and kiss his fingers while he was driving. So long ago. He’d probably die of shock if I did that now. Or maybe he would like it and return my affection. There was just no way to know and I wasn’t willing to take the risk. I tried to recall the last time we were alone together but I couldn’t. We were always with the kids or other people. We only took advantage of my mother’s offer for on call babysitting for work gatherings, weddings, and other events where children were not welcome.

  “I’m not happy.” I blurted it out without even thinking about where I planned to go with it.

  “I know.” He sounded so indifferent.

  “You know? Do you care?” He signaled and aggressively cut into the far left lane, which seemed to be moving slightly faster.

  “I care, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I give up.”

  “You give up? What does that mean?”

  I pictured introducing Dave to Sam and Sam kicking him in the stomach as hard as he could.

  Rick shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I mean.”

  He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. I couldn’t tell which frustrated him more, the conversation or the traffic, which had forced him to come to a complete stop. Ten minutes of silence followed.

  “So, you’ll just stay with me forever even though you’ve emotionally checked out? Just like your parents?”

  “Don’t. Just don’t start with that, okay?”

  “What? Your mom and dad could barely stand the sight of each other the whole time you were growing up. They got divorced the second you and Kelly were out of the house.”

  “I’m well aware of my parents’ fucked up relationship. I don’t need you psychoanalyzing it.”

  “And look at your sister’s marriage. Kelly and Tom hardly speak to each other anymore. I’ve seen it get worse and worse in the last few years.”

  “They have three kids under six years old, Beth. Maybe you�
�re reading a little too much into… ”

  “But Rick, I’m telling you, we all have these scripts we follow based on what we learned from our parents’ relationships.”

  “I know, Beth. You’ve told me about scripts many times. Your students always have this… I don’t know, what the hell do you call it? Oh right, they have an epiphany when they realize that their own relationships are all messed up because of the toxic scripts from their parents.”

  “Why are you being so hostile?”

  “I don’t know. Damn it. You know, we just haven’t talked about things for so long.”

  I remembered how easy it was to talk to Dave. How he gave me his complete attention and responded with empathy and kindness.

  “When are we supposed to talk? In front of the kids?”

  He just shook his head and looked out the window. More silence.

  I realized I could easily get Dave’s phone number and email address with my faculty access to student records on the university website. Maybe just one more kiss. One more hug. The desire was overpowering. No, I won’t do it. I’m not that kind of person. Guilt and fear swirled around in my body like cancer cells. For a second I wished the oil truck in the next lane would overturn on top of us and end my torture.

  A tear slid down my cheek and I wiped it away with the back of my hand. Rick looked at me for the first time since we entered the car. I was relieved to see compassion in his eyes. He reached over and touched my hand. I looked into his eyes, imagining what a sight I must be. It occurred to me that he could easily go out and find someone else who wasn’t such a mess. He was good-looking in a nondescript sort of way. The kind of attractiveness that women who are looking to settle down want, not the kind that women hungry for heat and passion would notice. More Tom Hanks and less George Clooney. But his honest blue eyes still had the same magnetism that pulled me in the night I met him.

  It all started with a small paperback someone found on a dusty shelf at the fraternity house called The Book of Questions. It was after a big party, when the crowd had dwindled to just about eight of us: Rick, me, and a mix of my sorority sisters and his fraternity brothers. I don’t remember meeting him before that, but in his version of the story, we met much earlier in the evening, as I was shamelessly flirting with his best friend. We sat around the old kitchen table littered with half empty beer bottles and started taking turns asking questions from the book. Questions like, “Would you lie in court to save yourself from going to jail?” or “If you knew your neighbor was cheating on his wife with her best friend, would you tell the wife?”