“What are we removing, Doctor?” asked an echoing female voice that wasn’t attached to anyone I could see.
“Everything. All of it. Women like this can’t be running around with their reproductive organs intact.”
I tried to scream, “No” but my lips wouldn’t move and I was unable to make any sound.
Blackness took over and then a bright light. A blurry but familiar face was hovering over me in some sort of recovery room. I was still unable to move or speak.
“Beth? Beth? Can you hear me? Can you see me?” He put his face right up to mine. “I’m here. It’s me, Rick, I’m here. I’m still here, Beth. Come back to me.” More blurryness.
“So the ram on this one is only 512. If she had two gigs it would be a lot faster.” It was still Rick’s voice, but I became aware that I wasn’t dreaming anymore.
My father’s voice followed. “Yeah. And the new ones have a 2.3 gigahertz processor too which would make a big difference.” My eyes fixated on the popcorn ceiling while my brain tried to catch up. Holy shit, they’re in my office. Those are my gigs they’re talking about. A blaring siren of alarm flooded my body and propelled me from the bed.
In the three seconds it took to get to my office, I envisioned the potentially disastrous scenarios that could have happened if I hadn’t woken up. Rick opening one of the saved emails from Dave in front of my dad. Or maybe my dad at the computer seeing one of the emails first and hiding it from Rick. Would he cover for me? Maybe empathize because he had been in this position in the past?
“What are you doing?” I tried to sound calm, but didn’t succeed.
Rick was sitting at my desk, with my dad crouched over his shoulder. Their heads turned but Rick’s fingers remained on the keyboard.
“Hey, I thought you dozed off with Jack.”
“No, of course not. Is your mom still here?”
“No, she took off a while ago.” I wondered how long I had been asleep.
“I need to do something on my computer.”
“Right now? I was just about to show your dad… ”
“Yes, right now, please get up. You can show him whatever you want on your own computer.”
“Well actually I can’t because we were talking about how you need… ”
“I need my computer right now. I really have to respond to some emails from students. They’re freaking out because I had to cancel class today when I was at the hospital and they were supposed to deliver their presentations. I need to get to those messages right away.” I was doing my best not to sound too panicked, but I was aware that I was missing the mark entirely. They both looked at me with a mix of suspicion and concern.
“I’m sorry. I’m just so stressed out about everything. I never cancel class. I left my students hanging when they were prepared to give speeches and we have a test during the next class and uhhh, it’s just been such a long day and… ”
I remembered something from one of my communication textbooks about the way attorneys coach defendants to respond on the witness stand. Answers should be brief with very few details. Going on for too long makes a person appear defensive, sending the message that they have something to hide. I stood silently waiting for Rick to get up as I positioned my hand over my carotid artery to hide the pulsing vein.
“Fine, go ahead,” he said. Then he placed his hand on the mouse and everything moved into slow motion as I realized he was about to open the mail program for me. I leapt in front of him and pulled his hand off the mouse.
“Just let me do it, okay?”
The fear, anxiety, confusion, and suspicion lingered in the room long after they left. Even when I knew it was a false alarm because there were no new emails from Dave, I couldn’t shake the dirty, shameful feeling. I hated myself for being so dishonest.
As I headed out to the living room to tell Sam it was time for bed and hint to my parents that it was time for them to leave, I heard the instant message bell on my computer. I turned back to see who it was, knowing that it wouldn’t be Dave because we had agreed that he would never IM in the evening, when Rick was home. My calmness was replaced with a renewed sense of danger as I saw the one screen name I was sure it wouldn’t be, Davey 21.
Chapter 22
“Beth, are you okay?” My trembling fingers hovered over the keyboard. I wanted to be angry. But I also wanted his concern, his attention, which was focused exclusively on me, not spread thin between kids and parents and in-laws.
“I can’t chat now. Tomorrow, during nap time.” I typed quickly, my shaky hands hitting the wrong key every other letter.
“I can’t wait that long. 2:00 a.m. Please.” The request didn’t surprise me. After all, it wouldn’t be the first 2:00 a.m. online meeting. I had told him that Rick was a deep sleeper. But I was tired from the hospital ordeal and there had already been enough sleepless nights because of my guilt. I heard Rick’s heavy footsteps heading down the hall.
“Fine, 2:00 a.m.” I hit send and closed the chat program just before Rick peered into the room.
“Your parents are going. You gonna say goodbye?” I breathed silently and deeply through my nostrils and stood up. Rick’s eyes were searching my computer screen and I sensed a lingering touch of suspicion in his tone. That’s when I decided I had to put an end to the madness.
Rick’s gentle snoring comforted me. It was confirmation that he was deep in slumber. The clock ticked 12:17 and I calculated the remaining hundred and three minute wait in my head. Maybe I can doze off for a little and program my mind to wake up right at 2:00, I told myself. But it was pointless. I couldn’t sleep anyway. I planned the words to type to let Dave know I couldn’t do it anymore. I thought about doing it nicely, pointing out all the qualities in him that I loved. Then I considered the possibility of being cold and aloof, telling him it didn’t mean anything and that we both just got caught up in a fantasy. I never did come to a decision about how to end things when 2:00 a.m. rolled around. That may have been my biggest mistake.
“How are you? What happened? I heard you cancelled your class.”
“Everything is okay. Sam broke his wrist. We were at the hospital for six hours.”
“Oh my God. How?”
“At school. I don’t want to talk about it right now. It’s been a really long day.”
“Beth, I realized how much I care about you when I thought something was wrong and I couldn’t help you.”
“Dave, don’t. Don’t do this now. I can’t.”
“Just do me a favor right now, okay?”
“What is it?”
“Just take your hands off the keyboard for a minute and think about our first kiss. Think about your soft sweet lips touching mine for the first time that night outside the club. Think about my body up against yours and how perfectly we fit together. Remember the force of our blood pumping, our hearts racing, the need we had to touch, to smell, to taste each other. The urgency. I think about it every day. I know you do too but you’re trying to shut it out. Just close your eyes and bring yourself back there for one minute. I’ll be waiting here.”
Part of me didn’t want to do it, wanted to fight it, but a bigger part of me was already there before I even closed my eyes. Suddenly I was watching a movie. I saw Dave and myself at the bar, talking and laughing, our knees touching as we pretended not to notice. I saw the energy flowing between us, a bright pink and orange ray of light. I watched him guide me outside, my drunken feet unsteady. Then we were kissing, slow at first, then faster. Our bodies were pulsing, joined together and outlined with a bright purple glow. We melted together. I could feel his mouth on mine. I tasted his peppermint breath. The apple scent of his hair danced in my nostrils. The sensation of his erection trying to force its way through the barrier of our clothing. I wanted it, wanted him so much. Too much. Wanting this much was too scary. I opened my eyes and found my hand inside my pajama pants poised to relieve the pressure. But then I saw his next message.
“Are you back? Did you remember? Am I craz
y, Beth or was that the most intense, real connection two people can have?” I swallowed and filled my lungs with air again and again.
I couldn’t type. My hands remained in position. I kept breathing to try to stop the waves of sensation up and down my chest, waves all along my thighs and so strong between my legs. And he was there. And he knew. He knew what I was feeling. He was feeling it too. I can’t deny myself this, I thought. I may never feel it again. Maybe this is my last chance. Maybe just one time. Then I’ll move on. I’ll try to forget.
“Beth? Are you there? Are you lost in remembering? It happens to me all the time.”
“I’m here. Dave?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m scared.”
“I know. I wish I could hold you.”
“Beth?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
I held my hands in front of my face and pleaded with them. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Please don’t do it.
But they didn’t listen.
“I love you too.”
“You have no idea what it means to me to read those words. I finished the song I’ve been writing for you. When do you want to hear it?”
“Will your roommate be home tomorrow night?”
“I’ll make sure he’s not.”
Chapter 23
I struggled to open the door from the garage to the house, arms loaded with grocery bags as Sam and Jack trailed behind me fighting over a small plastic Spiderman.
“Give it back, Jack. It’s not nice to take your big brother’s toys. You have lots of your own toys,” Sam said. I heard my own voice in his calm but aggravated tone.
Still unable to turn the doorknob, I turned to see Jack clutch the Spiderman against his chest and growl like an angry pit bull. Behind him, through the crescent moon shaped garage door windows, I saw the sun low on the horizon scattering purple, orange and yellow like rainbow sherbet. It’s almost time, I said under my breath. I saw Dave’s red lips. Imagined running my fingers through his soft brown hair. You can do it Beth. You are going to go through with it. Finally, something just for you. This house, this life, it’s just part of you, it isn’t all of you. You need so much more.
“Sam, please. Could I get a little help here?” He looked up at me and then back at Jack. Scrunching his eyebrows and jutting his head forward, he let Jack know that the Spiderman battle wasn’t over. I pretended not to notice, partly because I knew they needed to work out their own scuffles and partly because I wanted to save the energy. When Jack was sufficiently intimidated, Sam hustled to open the door for me with his good hand.
As I piled the overstuffed brown paper bags on the counter and headed back to the garage to pick up the next load, I heard Rick heading toward the kitchen.
He couldn’t be coming to help me unload the car, I thought. It had been years since he gave up the chivalry of doing that. This thought was one of many of its kind that I found I had to keep generating to justify what I was planning to do.
But when Rick entered the kitchen, the look on his face made me forget my little bitterness game. The concern I saw in the narrowing of his blue eyes was reserved for family emergencies and work catastrophes. I asked the unspoken question by tilting my head to the side and lowering my brows.
“It’s Tom.”
My mind started its warp speed race to doom and disaster, as always. Tom, the brother-in-law I hardly ever saw, except for holidays or when he came by to take Rick out for drinks. Tom, the husband of Rick’s sister, a woman I once felt close to, but had distanced myself from, just as I had distanced myself from her brother. Tom, the father of my niece and two nephews. Maybe he was dead. Being a police officer working one of the most gang infested beats in Los Angeles, it was certainly a scenario I had considered before.
Rick knew my mental process well and could easily guess the dark places my mind had already gone before he could get the next sentence out.
“He’s gonna be all right. A bullet grazed him in the leg. He’s in the hospital but he’ll be able to go home later tonight. Kelly’s with him and my mom is bringing the kids over right now so that she can be with Kelly.”
Of course the kids would be brought here. Of course we’re next in line. I was surprised by the sense of relief I felt. It’s over. The decision has been made by some greater force. This was better. This would be better.
I nodded slowly and reached for the phone to make my pretend cancellation call to Shelly. But Rick grabbed my arm.
“No, Beth. You should still go.”
“What? Are you crazy?”
“No. I know how important your dinner with Shelly is. I know she’s having a rough time after that big fight you said she had with Max. You need to be there for your friend. I can handle my own kids and my sister’s kids for a couple of hours. You would tell me to still go out if things were reversed.”
It’s some kind of test, I thought. It must be. And I had only a few seconds to pick the right answer. Maybe it was the test that would send me to hell or heaven. But I would tell him to go if I were in his shoes. I had watched five or more kids by myself on numerous occasions, for neighbors or friends, and it would never have occurred to me to expect Rick to stay home to help me. But what about Tom? He was just grazed, I reminded myself. His wife and family would be with him.
“Are you sure? I mean, five kids, by yourself?”
I thought about how bad things happen in threes. First Sam breaking his wrist, now Tom’s leg grazed by a bullet. What next?
Rick smiled that cocky, proud of myself for being such a great father and husband and all around great guy smile.
“We’ll have fun. It’ll just be a couple of hours. My mom’ll be back to get them before bedtime.” My momentary sense of relief was replaced with a renewed and heightened fear. I didn’t know how I could lie to my husband about where I was going now, now that I had to leave him alone to care for five small children with no help from me. I despised myself, knowing that I might still go through with it all, even under these circumstances.
A short time later, my mind was far away as I went through the motions of playing with the children I had always considered my husband’s nephews and niece and not my own. Maybe part of me was jealous that my sister-in-law seemed so in control, so genuinely in love with being a mother, even with a five year old, a three year old, and a one year old. I felt a strange awareness that if it weren’t for my plans with Dave that night, if I were the old me, I’d be trying harder to connect with the kids, wanting to make sure they were comfortable and having fun in my home. The darkness in my brain and my heart frightened me and I wondered what had happened to the light that used to shine through. But there was no going back. I slipped away to get dressed as Rick tossed one of his nephews in the air, obeying the repeated command “Again, again, again, uncle Rick.”
I was an emotionless robot as I got dressed, paying little attention to what I put on. It wasn’t the kind of slow, sexy slipping on of undergarments I would have imagined a woman preparing to meet her secret lover would revel in. I just wanted to get leaving the house over with. I was desperate to finally cross over to wherever it was I had been on the brink of for so long. I knew that once I was in Dave’s arms, all the emotion, all the desire would come rushing back. Everything would make sense and I would feel deeply again as soon as I could get to Dave. Just as I finished touching up the chipped polish on a bubble gum pink toenail, Rick and his trail of toddlers paraded into the bedroom.
I brushed past them all without making any eye contact. “Gotta go. I’m running late.”
Chapter 24
I knew I shouldn’t, but I had to call Jill for moral support on the way to Dave’s. She didn’t disappoint. After a rousing pep talk, complete with references to the biological human drive to mate with multiple partners to propagate the species, she moved on to talk about herself.
“Can you believe we actually did it in their bed while she was out with the kids? It felt so weird being right
there, where he sleeps with her every night, staring right at her dresses and shoes in the closet.” I couldn’t believe it, couldn’t imagine it at all. For some strange reason, despite what I was doing to my own husband, I couldn’t fathom what it would be like to do what Jill was doing to another woman, another mother, who was struggling to keep it all together just like the rest of us. But I had no right to judge her, and I reminded myself of that repeatedly.
She told me about the night she and her husband had dinner with Kent and his wife and all the kids.
“I knew Kent and Mark would hit it off right away. They dove right into talking about politics and football, of course. It was like they had known each other for years.”
I tried to imagine Rick meeting Dave. They would have nothing in common.
“Wow. How were you able to act normal with both of them right there in the same room?”
“It’s easy. It’s just acting, you know.”
“I’m a terrible actor. I could never do it.”
“Sure you could.” I realized she didn’t know me at all.
“So what did you think of his wife? What was it like meeting her?”
“Well after everything Kent’s told me, I expected her to be a total bitch, you know?”
“Yeah?”
“But, well, to be honest, she wasn’t so bad. I kind of liked her.” It felt like a balloon deflating. At least she was being truthful, with me and with herself.
“So did you start to feel guilty then?”
“Nope. Still don’t have that gene. But I did think it would be nice if we could all be friends. We made plans to take the kids to the circus together next month.” This was too much for me. I ran through the possible ways I could end my friendship with Jill without her knowing the real reason.
“Well, I’m in the parking lot of Dave’s building,” I said, relieved that I had a genuine excuse to end the call.
Is This All There Is? Page 14