She rolled her eyes. “Alex, it’s not like that. They have a DJ too. It will be nice and something different.”
“Whatever, just as long as I’m not driving, I don’t care.” Looks like my original plan to get smashed was still in effect and slowly becoming a requirement, if I was going to survive the night.
I went with my favorite little black dress, boots, and little heavier on the make-up than normal. I wore my hair down in long, tousled curls and did a quick walk through of a cloud of perfume. I grabbed my favorite black and white clutch and met Declan in the living room. “I’m ready.”
She stood up, her eyes wide as she looked me over. “Ready for what, exactly?”
I pressed down the wrinkle in my dress. “What?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she said, shaking her head. “The cab’s waiting, let’s go.”
Turns out the open mic night was only for an hour, then at eleven they had a DJ. The place was fairly crowded with all types of very good looking men. Suddenly the night was looking up. As soon as we reached the bar I ordered a shot and a beer. Declan gave me a disapproving look. “What, I’m not driving?” I said.
We found an open table near the bar. I hopped onto the tall stool and pulled out the pack of smokes I bought a couple of days ago. Declan’s frown deepened when I lit up. I ignored her and asked the waitress for an ashtray and another shot. We arrived in the middle of all the lonely hearts belting out their souls for no one in particular. The music was a little too depressing for my taste but I passed the time by accepting shots and drinks from all the men who offered. Shauna and I were having a good time from all the attention we were getting, unlike Declan, who felt uncomfortable with all the males crowding us. She excused herself to call Colton. I didn’t complain. I was too preoccupied with my current company.
I was actually having a good time – that could also be the alcohol talking. We were only one lame lovesick song away from having the DJ play. One of our new friends had returned with shots and drinks. I held up my glass ready to clink when I heard a very familiar voice.
“I was going to sing an original song, but my heart just wasn’t in it to finish it. Instead I’m gonna sing something I know you’ll like. This song is dedicated to everyone out there who fought for the one they wanted.” I put the shot glass down and squeezed my way through the group of guys surrounding our table, hoping my ears were deceiving me.
My chest tightened as I clenched my fists by my side. Casper looked up from his guitar his eyes zeroing in on me. His face said he looked almost surprised to see me, as if he didn’t know I was going to be there. Instantly he started strumming. My heart stopped at the sound of his voice, so pure, so angelic. Most of the time when he played his voice was rough and loud. I never expected he could tone it down. And the song he chose to sing was ‘Say Something’ by A Great Big World. I was frozen in place, unable to move. Declan was just returning from outside when I grabbed her. “Did you know about this?” I demanded answers.
“Know about what?” she asked a little frightened. I turned her in the direction of the stage. “Oh, wow, he’s really good.” I pushed her. “I swear I didn’t know.” I believed her. Declan was sneaky in her ways, but I knew this was even unexpected to her. Unable to tear my eyes away, I turned back to the stage where Casper was singing directly to me. Everything inside me began to crumble. My walls were tumbling down at an uncontrollable speed. Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. It felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of my lungs and they were scrambling for air. Tears burned my eyes and I’d be damned if I was going to cry, again, over him.
I tore out of the bar like I was being chased. I faintly heard my name being called in the background, but I kept running as far as I could. The cold blast of air smacked into me like a brick wall. I gasped, needing air, but it didn’t come. Like I was scratching the surface but couldn’t quite reach it. I searched for an available cab. A warm hand encased my upper arm. I spun around ready to strike. “Alex, it’s just me.”
I pulled away. “Are you stalking me?”
“No, I didn’t know you were going to even be here.”
“Yeah, right. You just happen to show up the same night I do.”
“I come here all the time. How do I know you’re not the one who’s checking up on me?” I put my hands on my hips to control my shaking. “Alex, I swear I didn’t know.” He reached for me but I took a step back.
“Casper, I can’t do this right now.” I hailed a cab and quickly jumped in telling the cabbie I’d give him an extra twenty if he got out of there quickly. Once home, I went straight to my room, fell down on my bed and cried.
Declan checked on me sometime later, but I refused to talk so she left me be. I stayed in my room for the next two days. The only time I bothered to come out was if I had to go to the bathroom or get something to eat. On Christmas Eve, I forced myself out of bed and over to Jasper’s. I knew if I didn’t show up they would hunt me down and drag me there kicking and screaming. To avoid any drama, I packed a bag for the night, and headed over to the house. Jasper volunteered to stay in Jack’s room and offered me his bed, but I told him no. Most people would think it a torture, but to me it was a comfort. I felt better being surrounded by his things.
I dumped my bag on the floor and crawled into Jack’s bed. I wondered how often he actually slept in it. He was always gone and when he was home it was never for long. I buried my nose in his pillow and inhaled deeply. It still smelled like him, a small mix of his aftershave and soap. I clung to the pillow tightly like I was holding on to him for dear life. “Alex?” I lifted my tired head and rubbed away the few tears that managed to sneak their way out.
“Jacob, what’s up?”
He sat down on the edge of the bed. “Can I talk to you?” I nodded and scooted back, making more room for him. It was like he had a growth spurt overnight. I didn’t even think that was possible anymore, but his legs were longer and he was almost a foot taller, packing on more body weight to fill out his tall form. He picked at the pretend lint on his pants, making me nervous about what he wanted to talk about.
“Jake, what is it?” He was a lot calmer than he had been since Jack died. Most of his days he spent brooding and angry at the world, but now he just looked like a sad, lost little boy, like my baby brother.
“I need to tell you something. Something I hadn’t told anyone else yet.”
“Oh god, please don’t tell me you knocked up some skank.” He covered his eyes. “Or worse, some girl is saying she’s carrying your bastard child even though she doesn’t have proof.”
“Christ Alex, I’m still a virgin.” We heard laughter outside in the hall. Jacob growled and got up to close the door in Jaxson’s face. He ran his fingers though his hair.
“You’re really still a virgin?”
“Don’t act so surprised.”
“I’m not,” he frowned. “I mean, I just expected –”
“I’d be more like Jasper,” he said, returning to the side of the bed.
“Trust me, I am more than happy you are nothing like Jasper.”
“I can you hear you, you know,” Jasper said through the door.
“Stop listening,” I yelled, throwing a shoe at the door.
Jasper opened the door to glare at me. “It’s my house. I can do what I want.” I picked up the other shoe and chucked it right at his head.
Jacob got up, ready to bolt. “Just forget it.”
I grabbed his arm and yanked him back down. “No. Jas, quit being a dick.”
“You hit me in the head with a shoe.” Again we heard Jaxson laughing down the hall.
“Just be glad it wasn’t one of my heels.” He stood there with his arms crossed. I knew the only way to get rid of him was to rat out one of my brothers and since Jacob was the one who currently needed to talk, that left Jaxson. “And by the way, Jaxson was the one who drank the last of your beer and has been stealing your cigarettes.”
“What?” he snapped, taking off.
I shrugged. “We both did,” I confessed. “But I also just bought us some privacy. So what do you want to talk about it. And if this is about sex I am so not the one you need to talk to.”
He made a face like he was about to throw up. “First off, if I needed advice on sex I would ask Jaxson, not you. You’re my sister. That’s just gross.”
I rolled my eyes. “Then what’s going on?”
“I’m sorry,” he said, sighing.
“Sorry for what?” I was so confused I didn’t even know where to begin.
“I blamed you.” I wrinkled my brow in confusion. “Jack’s death. I blamed you for it.” I recoiled as if he slapped me. “I was so angry and upset and I needed a reason. I needed to know why Jack…” He turned away from me, ashamed. “Jack once told me you were part of the reason he joined the marines. He said he wanted to do right by you, whatever that meant.”
Jacob had no idea. He didn’t know what really happened that night. “So I blamed you for his death. I convinced myself that if it wasn’t for you he would still be here.” I bit my lip to keep from crying. “I know it wasn’t your fault and I’m sorry I blamed you.”
“Jacob, I had no idea you felt that way.” I placed my hand over his and squeezed gently.
“Why would you?” He pulled his hand away. “I read the letter from Jack. Inside was a DVD. A video of him saying goodbye.” This time I could no longer stop the tears. “He told me not to blame you. He knew I would. He reminded me how much harder you had it being the only girl and that we had to look out for you because we’re family. Family always comes first. I’m sorry I blamed you. I’m sorry about all the dark thoughts I had. I just didn’t know how to handle it.” I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. “Jack just wasn’t my older brother. He was my dad. He was the only dad I knew.”
“I know Jacob,” I sobbed.
“I know, Alex,” he hinted.
“Know, what, Jacob.”
“I know Jack really killed dad, not mom.”
“Jacob that’s crazy. Who told you that?” I tried to play it off. The last thing I wanted him to do was think less of Jack.
“Alex, you don’t have to lie anymore or play dumb. Jack told me. He told me everything, well, almost everything. I’m sure he left a lot of stuff out, but he did tell me you were there and you would try to deny it was Jack.” The tears were rushing out so fast and furious I could barely see. “It’s okay. Deep down I think I always knew. Just the way Jack was when you mentioned dad or asked about him. Something was always off.”
“Jack also told me he was going to confess.”
“Confess what?” I asked, pulling back.
“Jack told me he was going to tell the judge that it was him who killed dad and not mom.”
“But why? Why would he do that? It would destroy everything he worked so hard for.”
“Does it really matter now?” I could feel the frown lines forming. “Jack’s dead Alex, and this was his dying wish. To set mom free.”
Not able to take anymore. I buried my face in my hands and balled. Jacob wrapped his arms around me. “I’m sorry Alex. I’m sorry you had to go through that and I’m sorry you have to go through this now.”
“God, you sound just like Jack. Always worried more about everyone else, than yourself.”
Jacob smiled. “Couldn’t be more proud. I think that’s the nicest thing you have ever said to me.”
I pinched his side, making him laugh. “Hey, Jasper’s making me go on a beer run. Wanna come with?” Jaxson asked and then he saw our faces. Without a word, he sat behind us on the bed, embracing us both in a hug.
“Jax, quit douching and let’s go,” Jasper whined. When he reached the entryway he paused. In a very unlike Jasper manner, he walked over and joined the hug. We all sat there for moment just taking comfort in each other. Jasper, of course, was the first to break. “Alright, I got to go before my dick falls off and I grow a pussy.”
“Yeah,” Jacob said, clearing his throat.
“Whatever, virgin,” Jasper teased.
“Shut up, dick.” Jacob pushed him and they wrestled their way down the hall.
“I guess I should get my shoes on.” I spun my legs off the bed.
“Hey, I know you’re hurting, but we’re here for you. I’m here for you.”
“Jax, we’re all hurting.”
“Yes, but I can feel your pain more than the others and I know it’s not just about Jack.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Maybe not now, but soon you’re going to have to realize just how much Casper loves you and I know you love him too. He deserves to know the truth and you and I both know you need him just as much as he needs you.” I didn’t respond. I just slipped on my shoes and stood up. Jaxson kissed my temple. “I love you Alex, but I can’t stand to see you upset and right now you’re miserable because you’re too afraid to admit that you need someone. And it’s okay. We all do. Casper’s a good guy. Don’t you think you punished him enough? Don’t you think you punished yourself enough?”
“When you two girls are done braiding your hair could we fucking go?” Jasper yelled. I stifled an eye roll and walked out of the room. I turned back to take a good look at all Jack’s stuff. The pictures of all of us, his collection of books and car magazines on the bookshelf; his free weights in the corner and the last of his dirty laundry he never got to wash. You never knew what life had in store until it was too late. Maybe Jaxson was right. But right now, my heart wasn’t ready to accept any more heartache. I closed the door behind me and met the boys at the car.
Jasper decided to swing by the mall to do some last minute Christmas shopping. Only Jasper would do his Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. I couldn’t complain though, with everything that happened I hadn’t really had the chance to get anything done myself. After an hour of crazy lines and last minute shoppers buzzing by in a rush to get what they needed, we were on our way home.
I settled in for the night while the boys played poker. I had to get up early and put the turkey in, plus I was burnt out from all the crying earlier and the information overload. I walked over to Jack’s bookshelf, running my fingers along the bindings of the books until I came upon one I liked. I picked up the book on mythology, surprised that Jack would have this. Then I went in his closet and pulled out one of his sweatshirts, tugging it over my head before crawling into bed. I cracked back the binding of the book and started to dive into the mythical world of the Greek gods and goddesses.
Jaxson wasn’t very happy when I woke him up bright and early in the morning. Especially for the task I needed him for. “Why can’t you do this?” he complained as he stuffed his hand inside the bird.
“Because it skeeves me out.” I could cook the turkey but I could not pullout the innards. Just the thought made me nauseous. Jaxson’s bloodshot eyes and messy hair let me know he had a rough night. The half empty case of beer was another tip to his crappy mood. Jaxson’s cheeks blew up like a blowfish and I quickly yanked him away from the turkey and shoved him in the direction of the bathroom. When I returned to the kitchen I found Jasper with his hand inside the turkey.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Pulling out the insides because I know it grosses you out.” I leaned against the counter, surprised he remembered that. He gave me a smile and while I waited until he was done. I put the turkey in the oven and then went back to bed. When I woke up again all the boys were up and already unwrapping their gifts.
“You guys couldn’t wait for me?” I whined taking a seat next to Jaxson.
“No,” they all said together. I rolled my eyes.
“Here,” Jasper said, handing me a card. “I didn’t know what to get you so I just gave you cash.”
I laughed. “Thanks. Actually, I have an i
dea of what you could do for me. I wanted to get another tattoo.” He opened his mouth to protest and I’m sure to tell me he was too busy. “It’s for Jack.”
“Yeah, I can do that.” I opened up my gifts from Jacob and Jaxson next. Jaxson got me a gift certificate to my favorite shoe store and Jacob got me an ITunes gift card.
“What time is Declan getting here?”
“Three and dinner will be done at four,” I said, knowing that would be their next question.
I got in the shower and got ready for dinner. I finished setting the table when there was a knock on the door. I figured it was Declan and asked one of the boys to get it. They rock, paper, scissor’ed to see who would get up and answer it. Jaxson lost. Jaxson always lost since he always picked the same thing. The boys were goofing on the couch playing video games when Jaxson opened the door. He stood there, silent, not moving. “Jaxson, what are you doing?” For a second I thought maybe Casper was at the door and my heart stopped.
“Dude, quit fucking around and let Declan in, it’s cold out,” Jasper said.
“Jasper, good boys don’t use such foul language,” a strange but familiar voice said. My head shot up as I turned around slowly. My hand started to shake and when Jaxson opened the door wide enough for all of us to see, I dropped the plate. It bounced once, twice, before it broke. Everything was moving in slow motion. The boys’ eyes were pinned to the door. They didn’t even flinch when the plate crashed to the floor.
“Alexis, you’re even prettier than I remember. You get more and more beautiful every day.” I gasped, covering my mouth with my hands. I thought I was imagining things. This had to be some kind of trick. Jacob and Jasper were on their feet and in front of the door just as shocked as I was.
“Well, are you all just going to stand there or are you going to come give your mother a hug?” The boys rushed her, slamming into her so hard I thought they would break her. I somehow remembered how my feet worked and took a few steps in their direction.
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