I held her hand the entire time. “I don’t understand how you kids can keep getting this done,” she said, squeezing her eyes shut tight.
“You get used to it,” I laughed.
“This is not something I want to get used to. This will be my one and only.” I patted her hand as Jasper finished cleaning her up. She kissed his cheek telling him it was perfect and how proud she was of him.
I was sitting on the sofa waiting for Declan to get back with the list of things Jasper wanted us to pick up for tonight. My mom was sound asleep in my bed. She’s been doing that a lot lately, sleeping. I couldn’t imagine what it was like sharing a cell with someone for all those years. I probably wouldn’t have slept much either.
Not wanting to wake her, I left her a note and slipped it under the door when Declan text me. We got my mom a cellphone, but she was having a hard time figuring out how to use it. Complaining about why we just didn’t have a regular phone. I explained to her hardly anyone had landline phones anymore and she would get used to it.
I slid into the car, warming my hands on the heater vents. The temperature had dropped considerably and I was freezing, even in my wool coat, scarf, gloves, and hat. I hated winter and always dreamed of moving somewhere warm. “How’s your mom doing?” Declan asked as she threw the car in reverse.
“She’s coping,” I shrugged. I rolled down the window and pulled a cigarette from my purse.
“What the hell are you doing?” Declan snapped, trying to tear it out of my mouth.
“This is how I’m coping, okay?” I glared, slapping her hand away.
“You can cope outside of my car. You are not smoking that thing in here.”
“Colton smokes,” I protested.
“Yes, but not in my car,” she growled. “And what would Jack say?”
“Jack’s dead,” I snapped.
“I know, I’m sorry. I’m just worried about you, Alex. You haven’t been yourself since, well, you’re just…It’s like you’re not there.”
“Did Jaxson put you up to this?”
“No, but he did say something.” I rolled my eyes. “Look, Jax didn’t have to tell me. I can see it myself. We’re just worried about you, that’s all.”
“You wouldn’t have to worry so much if you would let me smoke a damn cigarette in your car,” I growled.
“Okay, sheesh. PMS-ing much?”
I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want to start an argument with Declan. She wasn’t the problem. I was. I couldn’t think straight. Casper’s letter was on my mind all day. Ever since reading it, it was like I pressed auto play on my life. I was doing everything I was supposed to, but I wasn’t really there. I tried my hardest to not let it get to me, but it hit me harder than I thought. I wasn’t prepared for what was in that letter and I still didn’t know what I wanted to do. Declan was talking to me, but I barely heard what she was saying.
She handed me another bottle of liquor to put in the cart. When I didn’t look at her she asked, “Does this sour mood have anything to do with Casper?”
“No, why would it?” Total lie.
“I know about the letter, Alex.”
“Did you go through my things?” I asked, shocked. Declan was the last person I would think to snoop through my personal stuff. We always respected each other’s private space.
“No, of course not,” she said offended. “I know about the letter because Casper asked me to give it to you. I was hesitant at first but you surprised me one day and I quickly stashed it in with the mail hoping I could intercept it later before you saw it, but I was too late.”
“Yeah, thanks for that,” I said, narrowing my eyes at her.
“I take it you read it?” I nodded, not wanting to go into too much detail. “And?”
“Not now, Declan,” I said, walking over to the next aisle to grab what we needed.
When we went to check out, you would think we were hosting a rager at some club. “Why does Jasper need all this liquor?” Declan asked, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the looks we were getting.
I shrugged. “Who knows? I learned to stop asking questions.”
“If you’re worried about Casper showing up, don’t. Colton told me he left earlier today and won’t be back for a while.”
“I know,” I sighed.
“You know?”
Not seeing a way around it, I confessed everything to Declan. “He wants me to meet him tonight.” She looked at me confused. “He wants me to meet him at the place we first met on New Year’s Eve. He said if I don’t, then he’ll leave me alone for good.”
Her eyes widened slightly with excitement. “What are you going to do?” I knew she was hoping I would say yes.
“Declan, I just don’t know. I need more time. I just can’t handle all this right now.” I paid the cashier, squashing anymore talk of Casper.
We dropped all the supplies off at the boys’ place and then we headed home. Declan stopped me before I got out of the car. “I know you may think you’re not ready, but you’re wrong, Alex. I know you love Casper. I can see it every time you look at him. If for a second I thought he wasn’t good enough for you, I never would have pushed you two together. All I’m asking is, think about it, please. Don’t just write this off because you’re scared of getting hurt. Let it go, Alex. Whatever it is that’s keeping you from expressing how you really feel, let it go.”
I opened my mouth to reply but no words came out. I had nothing to say because deep down, part of me knew Declan was right.
My mom was awake by the time we returned and sitting on the couch trying to figure out her cellphone. Her brow was scrunched in frustration. I giggled a little making her head shoot up. She tossed the phone on the table, having enough. “You should ask Jacob to help you with that. Gadgets are his thing. He taught me things on my phone that I had no idea it could do.”
“I’ll ask him later. So how was the shopping?” she asked, getting up and dusting off the new slacks she bought.
“It wasn’t really shopping. We were just getting stuff for Jasper tonight. You sure you want to go? ‘Cause if you want to stay here and just hang out I’m cool with that.” I secretly crossed my fingers hoping she would pick the latter.
“No honey, a party sounds like a great idea. A good way for me to get back in the swing of things. Besides, I would never keep you from your friends to entertain me.”
Declan laughed and I scowled at her. “Please, it’s Alex who wants to stay in. She’s the one who’s being a party pooper.”
“Alexis, are you not feeling well?” She felt my forehead with the back of her hand.
“I’m fine. Declan’s just being an ass. I’m going to go lay down for a bit.” I crawled into bed pulling the covers up over my head. I felt the bed sink.
“Alexis?” My mom tugged lightly on the covers, revealing my face. “Does this have anything to do with that boy?”
“No mom, I’m fine.”
“I may have been gone for a while, but I still know when something’s not right or when my daughter is upset. You can’t fool me. You have the same tells you did when you were eight.” Afraid my voice would betray me, I kept my lips sealed shut. “Alexis, I know things right now may seem upside down. Nothing is how it should be. Jack,” she took a breath. “Jack should be here instead of me, but someone up there thought it was better this way.” She brushed the hair out of my eyes. “Overtime, it does get easier, but it’s better when you have someone there with you to help you heal. You don’t have to do this alone.”
“I know,” I whispered.
“Think of it this way, tonight is the night where everyone gets to start over, start fresh. It’s a new year with new beginnings.” She leaned down and kissed my temple. “Just think about it, okay?” I nodded; afraid I wouldn’t be able to hold my tears in if I opened my mouth. She closed the door behind her and I buried my head in the pillow and let the tears fall, soaking the soft fabric beneath me. I’d never cried so much over a guy. I think I cried more f
or Casper than I did Jack.
I had a hard time falling asleep. When I eventually did, I dreamed about Jack, making my chest feel like it was being crushed under a ton of bricks. At one point I sat up gasping. I’d dreamed of Jack in Iraq, goofing around with his buddies, and then the next second he was gone, pieces scattered everywhere. I reached under the pillow clutching the cold metal. They were still there. Jack’s dog tags. The boys didn’t know I had them. I gripped them tight, feeling them cut deep into my skin. I cried again, but this time for Jack, for the pain and anger I felt for him. For the way he died. For the nightmare I just experienced. So much pain crashing down on me like a tidal wave. I cried so hard I cried myself back to sleep. This time when I dreamt of Jack, it was of a memory. A memory of the fourth of July when Jacob was only thirteen.
Jack let him light the fireworks. I told Jack if he loses a thumb he will be the one to teach him how to cope without one. He assured me he would be fine. A few close calls, but that’s because Jasper was being an ass and not warning Jacob to stand back. I always remembered that night vividly. It was probably one of the best times I spent with my brothers. Jack was so happy then. I just stared, grinning lazily. Jack threw an arm over me. “The letter Alex.” My head whipped around to stare into his deep green eyes, just like mine.
“What?”
“Open the letter, Alex.” I could see the fireworks reflected in his bright, big eyes; spirals, swirls, and all different colors flashing. I was hypnotized. “The letter,” he whispered, his voice carried off in the wind. I woke up with a jolt. I was still tightly clinging to his tags. The chain swung back and forth as I tried to catch my breath. My eyes shifted to the drawer where Jack’s letter was. The drawer was open. What. The. Fuck? I got up to investigate. Jack’s letter was still sitting safely inside with Casper’s letter underneath.
“What the hell?” Did I sleep walk? Was someone going through my drawers? I was about to close the drawer when I heard Jack’s voice whisper my name. I closed my eyes, gripping on to the chair to keep myself from falling. When I regained my balance, I opened my eyes and stared at the white envelope. Finding my strength, I pulled the letter out and opened it up. Inside was a DVD with a small folded piece of paper. I read the paper first.
Alexis,
There’s no easy way to do this, but if you’re holding this letter that means I’m gone.
I reached out for anything that would steady my shaking legs.
I knew this day would come eventually. Sometimes it’s the price you pay for this job. I don’t regret one thing about it though. Inside is a DVD. I made these after Jacob’s graduation. I didn’t want my last thoughts to you to be on paper. So I made a video with everything I want to tell you.
I pulled the DVD out of the envelope. My hands shook all the way to the DVD player. Before I pressed play, I walked back over to my bed and sat down, just in case I passed out. It took me a moment before I started it. Then I reminded myself I made it this far. I pressed play on the remote and the second Jack’s face flashed onto the screen I felt my walls crashing down and a new wave of tears poured from my eyes.
“Alex,” he smiled, warming my heart. “They’re so many things I want to tell you, I’m just not sure how to put all these thoughts into words.” He was leaning on his knees, his hands clasped together. “You’re special Alex, don’t ever let anyone tell you different. I know that sounds lame. It almost sounds like I’m calling you retarded or something. Sorry, scratch that.”
I laughed.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t let anyone give you any shit, especially Jasper. I know you two buttheads the most, but he really does care about you. Jasper had to grow up just as fast as I did. He just didn’t know how to handle it all. Give him a chance and you’ll see his intentions are good. He just wants to protect you, even though his methods aren’t exactly practical. But don’t worry, I’ll talk to him. I think the hardest part about it is us admitting how much we need you. And we do Alex. You have no idea how important you are to this family. Without you, I don’t think any of us knuckle heads would have survived this long. You kept us grounded. You reminded us that we were a family, no matter how little.”
He stopped to rub his thumb and forefinger over his eyes. I think he might have been crying but quickly tried to hide it. “Oh Jack, always the strong one,” I whispered.
“There are some other things I need to tell you.” His voice got thick and I was a little scared wondering what it was he had to tell me. “I’m glad it was you who came back in that night. No one else would have been able to handle it as well as you did. I’m also glad by some dumb luck I decided to swing by the house. If I didn’t…I might not have anyone to make these videos for.”
I always wondered why he did come back.
“My reasons for coming back, well, that I will never tell you,” he blushed. “But that’s not important. I want you to know I don’t regret what happened. I begged mom to let me take the blame, but she refused. Please don’t be mad at her for her decision. She did what she thought was right. I joined the marines because I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought it would help me atone for my sins. I thought I had to prove something. Alex, you have to know that everything I did was for you and our brothers, but please don’t blame yourself. It’s. Not. Your. Fault,” he said, emphasizing each word.
“I’ll admit, at one time I was angry. I was angry for having to give up so much to take care of everyone, but I need you to know, that not for one second would I have given any of that up. I would not change one single thing. I don’t take any moment I spent with you guys for granted. I need you to know that. I need to know that this was all worth it.” He ran a hand over his cropped hair. “Alex, I want you to live your life everyday as if it was your last. Don’t spend your days letting it pass you by. And don’t be afraid to love someone back. I made that mistake once and probably let one of best things to come into my life slip through my fingers. You and I are a lot alike in that way. We’re too scared to let anyone in. Afraid if we open our hearts we’ll be exposing ourselves to a greater danger.” He rested his elbows back on his knees and looked straight into the camera as if he was staring straight at me.
“Alex, don’t be an idiot like me. If you find someone who loves you, truly loves you, then let them in. Don’t close yourself off. You might not remember, but mom and dad, they loved each other. They were happy. Not the best example, but it’s what I have to offer. I need you to promise me something. I need you to promise me that when you find the right person, you’ll let them in. Take down your walls and let them love you the way you are meant to be loved. And don’t take anything for granted. Life is too short.”
He sighed and this time when he shed a tear, he didn’t bother to wipe them away or try to hide them. “I love you Alexis and every day you make me proud of the person you’re becoming. I know you can take care of yourself and I know for a fact you will most likely out live all of us,” he laughed. I even let out a small chuckle. “Keep an eye on everyone, but don’t smother them. They need to learn on their own too.”
He sat up taller. “Well, I think that’s it.” He reached out to turn the camera off.
I jumped up yelling, “No!” I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I wasn’t ready for it to end.
“Oh, one last thing. Be brave Alex, always be brave.” He kissed his hand and pressed it to the screen. “I love you. And remember, I will always be with you.” Then the screen went blank.
“No, no.” I touched the screen. I needed more time. That wasn’t enough. I needed more. I fell to my knees and broke down crying, again.
Declan was the one who found me curled up into a ball on the floor. “Alex, what are you doing on the floor?” she laughed. Her smile faded when she saw my face. “Oh my god what happened?”
I moved myself into a sitting position. I didn’t want to talk about it. I knew if I did I would start crying again. I cried so much these past few weeks that my eyes hurt. Instead, I did wha
t I did best and pretended like everything was perfectly fine. I put on a brave face as Declan helped me up. “Nothing,” I said, taking a shaky breath.
“Alex, you can’t fool me.”
“I have to get ready for Jasper’s party.”
Declan chased after me. “Alex, stop. Alex, please.”
“Just leave it alone, Declan.” I closed the bathroom door in her face and got in the shower. When I was done, Declan was in my room waiting for me. “What are you doing?” I followed her to the TV.
“I didn’t watch it, I promise. As soon as I realized what it was, I stopped it.”
I stomped over to my closet looking for something to wear. “I’m glad you finally did though.” I paused with my hand on the door. “I know this is more than just about Jack.” I gripped the door tight, fighting the urge to start an argument. “I’ll support whatever decision you make, but just hear this. I’ve known Casper for a long time and I’ve never known him to love anyone the way he loves you. He spent time with his father who he hates just so he could give you your mom back. And he did all that for you. Not as a ploy to get you back, but because he wanted to see you happy. He wanted to give you something he thought you needed. Casper’s not the bad guy here. Just remember that.”
She left after that, leaving me to the swirling thoughts inside my head that were making me dizzy. I stumbled back a little. I could feel the bile rising in my throat, threatening to break its way free from the roiling wave in my stomach. Fighting the urge, I took a big step forward. I just wasn’t ready yet. I needed more time. There was just too much going on at once and I didn’t want to make any rash decisions that would lead to disaster. I went with the new red sweater dress I bought. It was cut low in the front and hugged my curves just right. I paired it with a black belt and new stiletto boots I bought. I went a little heavier than normal on the eyeliner, but kept my shadow light. I left my hair down in loose curls and twirled from left to right making sure everything was perfect. My plan was to get drunk enough that I didn’t care anymore. Or just drunk enough to take someone home.
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