I rambled on, frantically trying to mold the evidence to support my story.
“Ty, you have a history of rescuing Nick and…and he has a history with Dmitri and Alexi. They sent that man there to find Nick, and you and I were collateral damage. That guy is dead. They’ll never know the difference. Never!”
I urged him to believe it could work. But Ty shook his head, undeterred.
“No, Hannah. Think about what you’re doing. They’ll trip us up. It’ll never work.”
“Yes, it will, Ty. It will! If you just stick to the story. They’ll never know what happened between us. I don’t want them to know. I won’t tell them. I can’t.”
Tyler stared at me, disbelief written across his bruised face. “Why, Hannah? Why, in God’s name, would you do that? Why protect me after everything I’ve done?”
I didn’t know how to respond so I looked away. A horn honked at us from behind, and Ty drove forward, his eyes sweeping back and forth between the road and me.
“Hannah, you can’t shoulder this all alone. You shouldn’t be burdened with this at all. I’ve put you through hell. It kills me to think of what I’ve done, how I’ve hurt you, the danger I’ve put you in. My God, I’ll never forgive myself. And neither should you. I’m not worth it. This is all my fault. My responsibility. And I should be made accountable!”
“No, no, no! Please. You’ll be arrested; you’ll go to prison. I don’t want that. Can’t you see?” I screamed, my fingers pressed tightly against each temple.
“Why not, Hannah? I don’t understand.”
“I don’t know,” I yelled. “I really don’t.” I looked back over at him and sighed. “I know I should be angry, Ty, that I should hate you. I should want justice. I know it. But I don’t.”
I shook my head and turned back away again. It was so difficult to face him as I realized the intensity of my feelings and admitted them out loud.
“I shouldn’t want to be with you, Ty...but I do. I can’t help how I feel.” I sighed and closed my eyes for one brief moment. “I want to do what feels right…for me,” I murmured and returned my focus back to him. “And this feels right, Ty. It really does. I can’t explain why. It’s just…that…I get it, you know. I understand how you feel. Your grief. Your loss. That you drink to dull your pain. I even understand your impulsiveness, your need to take back control, your desire for vengeance. I get all of that. What I don’t understand are my own feelings. I’m trying to make sense of why I feel this way, of what I feel for you.”
Unable to look at him one second longer, I focused on my hands in my lap. My tears refused to be held back.
“What you did to me, Ty…it was…brutal. You terrified me. Hurt and humiliated me. You took something away, destroyed my sense of peace and safety. That can never be put back or made whole again. I know this. I feel this.” I pressed my hands to my heart. “But, in the time since then, after everything we’ve been through, you’ve given me something else. You could have just left me behind with that man at the motel. You could have simply turned me over in Erin’s place. It would have been so much easier for you if you had. But you didn’t. You took responsibility for your mistake, for what you did. You protected me, even though it cost you everything, what little you had left. That’s something I can never give back to you.”
“My God, Hannah, you owe me nothing. It’s insane for you to think—”
I threw my hands over my ears and shook my head. “Stop! I know, I know! You think I’m crazy. Maybe I am, but before all this, I was isolated and unwanted. Unneeded. Except for Conner, I didn’t feel tethered to anyone. Not physically. Not emotionally. There was nothing. I was nothing. And now, for the first time in so long, that’s changed somehow. I feel more alive when I’m with you. I feel that I’m somehow needed, that, like a missing piece to a puzzle, I’m meant to fit into some small space in that hollowed out place inside of you. That place left empty and barren by the deaths of your parents and your sister. By Jill and by Nick. If I can help make you whole again, then maybe I can be, too. And I need that, Ty. I need that more than you could ever know.”
My embarrassment, which had at first rolled over me like an armored tank, ebbed, leaving something new in its place: fear. Fear of being rejected, for having feelings that were irrational. There’s no way he’d be able to understand what I felt and why. I couldn’t look at him, for I knew he must think me a lunatic.
Ty pulled the stolen vehicle into the driveway of the home he and Jillian had shared and cut the engine. His shoulders quaked, and his hands trembled at the wheel, but he stared straight ahead, his eyes focused on something distant, something elusive and unreachable.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen, Hannah. I feel responsible for you. Nothing I say or do will ever make up for what I’ve already done.” He lowered his eyes and his brow knitted together as he spoke. “I’ve come to care a great deal for you. Perhaps it’s all been brought on by the extreme circumstances, I don’t know, but…I can’t help but wish that…we could have known each other under normal circumstances.” Ty turned to meet my gaze. He looked unsure, uneasy with his thoughts. “I don’t have a good feeling about what will happen next. What the authorities might do. They’re going to draw their own conclusions based on all the physical evidence and what we tell them.”
“Then we tell them my story, Ty, just as I said. It’s close to the truth.”
“No, it’s not that simple, Hannah. The evidence—”
“It is that simple, Ty. You owe me this; you said so yourself. Do this for me, please. I don’t want anyone to know. What happened stays between us. Everything stays just between us. All right?”
He stared at me for a long time as his judgment warred with my request. Finally, he nodded acceptance. “Right. Okay. Just us then.”
I couldn’t help but sigh. “There is something there, Ty. Between us. I don’t know what it is, but I feel it. And I know you do, too. I can see it in your eyes.”
He reached for my hand and held it firmly between his own. “Yes, Hannah, there is something there, but we might never find out exactly what that is or who we could be together. Don’t you see? After we leave here tonight, we might not get to see each other again for…God knows how long. Maybe never. So I want you to know that I’m sorry. For everything. I’ve come to care for you more than I thought I could possibly ever care for another person. Especially a woman. I want you to be happy, Hannah. You deserve to be happy. To be loved again.”
His eyes glassed up, glistening in the soft glow of the streetlights. I smiled at him and nodded, too choked up to speak.
He sighed, wincing as he raked his hands over his battered face. “All right then, we should go get cleaned up and changed.”
He looked back at his brother’s body, his face somber and remote, and then stepped out of the van, locking it securely behind him. Ty led me into his home. I could see Jillian everywhere: in photos, the furniture, the draperies, even the paint. I felt like I was violating a sacred place just being there. It made me very uncomfortable, and I think Tyler could see how awkward it was for me. He directed me to follow him into his bedroom.
“I’ll look through Jill’s things and find something for you to wear,” he said almost in a whisper.
“Maybe just some sweats.”
He nodded silently and sorted through his wife’s closet. With hands that continued to tremble, Ty laid the clothing and some undergarments on the bed and gave me a plastic bag for the clothes I had on, informing me the police might want them. He showed me to the bathroom and drew a warm bath in continued silence then pulled a couple of large bath towels from the linen closet.
“There you go. I’m going to grab some clothes for myself and use the guest bath down the hall. If you need anything, just yell.” He left and closed the door behind him.
I wandered around the room, examining Jillian’s things: her perfume and makeup, her hair products and jewelry box, even her hair brush with Jill’s long dark strands still ent
wined in the bristles. I was surprised that Ty still had everything out, like he hadn’t touched a thing since her death. It felt like a shrine, a place of worship, and I was an interloper who didn’t belong.
I undressed and threw the soiled clothing into the plastic bag. When I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I gasped and turned away. I looked down at my body, remembering each moment as I fingered the cuts and bruises. A lump grew large in my throat. I stopped my probing and moaned.
I stepped gingerly into the tub and winced as the hot water stung my angry flesh. The heat seeped into my aching muscles, urging me to relax. I washed my hair then added bubbles to the water and began erasing all the bloody evidence. I was sure the police would not appreciate my efforts, but no amount of evidence would ever be necessary. Sergeyev was dead. He was at God’s mercy now, and I hoped God showed him as much charity as Sergeyev had allowed me. My injuries would be enough indication of my assault, and my testimony would fill in the gaps, if it even came to that.
As I scrubbed away the blood and grime, I slowly shed the many layers of self-protective armor I had blanketed around myself. The degradation and self-loathing at my submittal rose, like steam from the bath water, and I began to cry. I needed to cast off all the pent up resentment, all the powerless rage and fear I felt while in Sergeyev’s hands. And Tyler’s too, I suppose, since he had been the first to nearly violate me, however remorseful he was now.
I needed to leave it all behind me forever. I stopped scrubbing and sobbed into my hands. I ran through every moment of the last few days, the last few hours in particular. I imagined my tears were enough to fill a deep pool, and that I had the power, the strength, to press Sergeyev’s head beneath the surface, to drown him while he fought against me, as I had against him, and to flush him away with the all dirt and debris that was my assault. I cried until the bubbles disappeared, until the bath water grew cold, until everything slipped away, freeing me as much as I could possibly be free.
A gentle knock at the door startled me.
“Hannah, may I come in?” Ty asked, his voice unsure.
I ran wet hands over my face to conceal my tears. “Um...okay.”
With a deep pain aching in my side, I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around them as I sank deeper into the cloudy water. I looked at Ty sheepishly as he entered, embarrassed that he might have heard me weeping. He dimmed the lights and leaned back against the counter’s edge. His fingers grasped the tile so tightly his knuckles turned white. He kept his eyes cast down at his feet as tremors quaked his shoulders every so often.
“Are you okay?” he asked quietly, glancing in my direction for a brief moment.
I nodded.
“Good. That’s good. Umm…would you rather be left alone?” Another quick glance.
I shook my head no.
“Okay then. Good. That’s good.” He bobbed his head in approval and swallowed hard.
He glanced over once more, and I saw a flicker of emotion I could not place. All the sadness, regret, and loss still lingered there, painfully so, but there was something else, as well. A deep longing perhaps. A bitter understanding of what lay ahead. He looked as though he wanted to say something, but whatever it was, he kept it to himself, turning away as he bit nervously along his lower lip.
“So um…the water… It must be getting cold,” he said. “Are you ready to get out?”
“Um, sure…I guess.”
Ty retrieved one of the large bath sheets, unfolded it, and held it up to me in invitation before looking away. As I stood up and stepped over the tub’s edge, he enveloped me snugly into its thick warmth, wrapping his arms around me like a cocoon. I leaned into him and rested my cheek against his chest. Tyler tipped my chin up with his finger and raised my face up to meet his. He gazed into my eyes like he was searching for my soul. Then he kissed me, so warm and tender, and I finally felt safe and protected.
It was the last place I should have felt either. It was unbelievable how things had changed between us. After everything he had done to protect me since that first awful morning, I felt he had redeemed himself, as best he could anyway, and at that moment, I was in the one place I wanted most to be.
I desperately needed to feel like I could be loved and desired as a woman, despite my ordeal. That there was more to me than what I had endured.
I rested my head against his shoulder and nestled into him, allowing him to hold and comfort me.
Chapter Forty-Four
Hannah
I dressed in Jill’s fashionable warm-up suit and joined Ty in the living room, the bag with my soiled clothing in hand. He smiled warmly, though he looked worried.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
“As I’ll ever be, I guess.”
“And do you know what you’re going to say?” When I nodded, he raised an eyebrow. “Are you absolutely sure that’s how you want to play this, Hannah?”
“Yes, I am, just like I told you earlier.”
With a frustrated sigh, he shrugged. “Okay then, let’s go.”
He kept pretty quiet on the way to the hospital, sharing with me only what I might expect once I got there. “I’ll take you to the triage nurse. She’ll probably question you before your examination, so be prepared. While you’re being examined, I’ll see if they can help me with Nick. It’ll all be out of our hands after that. Okay?” He searched my eyes for reassurance.
“Okay,” I replied, suddenly unsure, because right then it hit me, what I might be facing when I entered the hospital. As the adrenaline wore off, the pains in my body grew more intense. I knew I might be more seriously injured than I thought. I had to be checked out. I couldn’t risk otherwise. But they would know as soon as they examined me exactly what had happened. The law would require them to call the authorities. A more forensic exam would be requested, possibly even expected. They might try using guilt tactics to convince me to comply, “to protect future innocent victims,” they might say. I decided I wouldn’t comply, no matter what they said. But that could snowball into something altogether different, something I would have no control over, especially once the authorities were involved. Beck would likely be contacted; Conner might find out. Suddenly my plan seemed risky and full of holes, landmines that could explode in my face. But what choice did I have?
None. None at all. I was committed.
We rode the rest of the way in silence. Tyler never once looked over at me, even as he kept glancing back over his shoulder at Nick’s body. The tremors that wracked his body became more frequent and violent. His jaw clenched as tears threatened to spill over onto his bruised cheeks. And the tension rolling off him as he gripped the wheel was palpable. I think he feared losing control all over again. I understood, only too well.
Fifteen minutes later, Tyler pulled the stolen van up to the ambulance bay of the emergency room at St. Mary’s. He peered back for one last glance at Nick before he walked over to my side and opened the door, helping me out of the vehicle. His hand seemed to vibrate as he escorted me into the hospital.
The triage nurse looked at us with our battered, swollen faces, and hers registered alarm. “Oh my,” she said directing us to some chairs. “Please, both of you, have a seat.”
“Thanks, but I’m fine. If you could just see to Hannah,” Ty bid the nurse. “I do need your help with something else, though. My brother, Nick…he’s…he’s dead and…his body is outside in that van,” he admitted as he pointed toward the doors.
The nurse looked even more startled. “Are you sure?” she asked.
“Yes. Quite,” Ty replied with some difficulty.
“Oh, well, I’m sorry then, but I’m required to call the medical examiner’s office, and the police, as well,” the nurse informed Tyler. “At this point, the coroner is the only one authorized to move your brother’s body.”
Ty nodded in understanding. “While you see to her, I’ll be outside with the van until the police arrive.” He turned, kissed me on top of my head, and touched his shaki
ng hand to my cheek. “I hope to see you soon, Hannah,” he whispered. His eyes were both worried and sad.
I touched the hand he placed against my cheek and held it as he backed away, his arm outstretched, until he finally stepped beyond my reach.
Chapter Forty-Five
Tyler
The first cops arrived with their lights flashing in the dark. Tires screeched to a halt just a few feet away from where I leaned against the van. I pushed off and stepped toward them as they approached, their hands resting on the butts of their holstered guns.
“Stop right there, sir,” one of them ordered. “Put your hands on the back of your head and turn around.”
I turned slowly and did as he asked. He restrained my hands against the back of my head and pressed my face into the side of the van. My whole body trembled against the cool metal.
“I’m the one who asked you to come,” I said. Even my voice quivered.
“Just a precaution, sir,” he said as he patted me down. He kicked at my feet for a wider stance. “Do you have any weapons on you?”
“No, nothing.”
“Am I going to be stuck with any needles if I search your pockets?”
“No.”
He removed my wallet and tossed it to his partner. I grunted in pain as the officer’s hands pressed against my ribs and along my back, twisting my arms uncomfortably. When he was satisfied I was unarmed, he asked me to sit down on the curb while he and his partner talked to the coroner who had just arrived.
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