A tear slid down his cheek. “I could never forget about you.”
“What about all the other stuff I just said?” I mustered a smile, but he did not.
“Please don’t be funny right now.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t want anything to change. I don’t want things to be different.” His grip around me got tighter with every word he spoke. “I don’t want to lose you.”
Every tear that dropped from his eyes was like a gunshot to my sternum. I tried to breathe through the pain. “You will never lose me. Not now, not ever. Do you understand? My heart is yours.” I took another breath. “For as long as you still want it.”
He dropped my duffle from his shoulder and slammed his lips into mine. Our tears mixed together on their way down to our lips. He kissed me with such a sense of urgency, as if it was the last time he would ever kiss me. Though he did not want to say goodbye, his kiss certainly did.
“Sir,” the security guard said. “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to leave her here now.”
When his lips pulled away from mine, he took my breath with him. I felt like I was about to faint, as I begged my knees to stay strong just a few more minutes. I had to keep it together until Chase left. My heart pounded out of my chest as we looked into each other’s eyes one last time, unsure of when we would see each other next.
“Don’t go,” he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut as he pressed his forehead against mine.
“I have to. But I will straighten myself out.”
He kissed my cheek lightly, and then my lips. “I know. I love you.”
“I love you.”
I watched as he hung his head, and turned away.
“You can stay until he turns the corner,” the security guard said gently. “Then you need to board your plane.”
I nodded. “I know.”
“Are you going to be okay?” she asked.
“That I don’t know.” I saw Chase look back over his shoulder one last time before he turned the corner. His eyes were red, his shoulders slouched. It was the last glimpse I had of him before he was gone.
I cried throughout most of the plane ride. I ignored the stares, and prayed that no one asked me if I was okay. I stared out the window, until my eyelids felt heavy. The turbulence shook me awake right before we landed.
Walking through the airport on my home turf, I was reminded of how happy Chase and I were as we held hands on our way to board the plane to California. Now, I rolled my suitcase alone, with a broken heart.
“Oh, God! You look like shit!” Shelly cried, as I approached her outside.
“Shelly!” Brody scolded.
I half-laughed. “I did just take a plane ride from the other side of the country.”
Shelly threw her arms around me. “You look like you haven’t eaten or slept in days. How was the flight?”
I tossed my duffle bag into Brody’s trunk with her still hanging onto me. “I slept most of the plane ride.”
Brody touched my arm. “How was he when you left?”
I tried to swallow the lump that had not left my throat. “I’ve been through a lot of pain in my life. I lost my mom, I lost my dad, and I’ve been trapped inside of a burning car. This… this was worse.”
He gently pulled Shelly off of me. “I’m so sorry, Merr. This separation is only temporary. You guys are going to make it through everything, and you’ll be together again.”
The tears brimmed over my eyelids again. “When?”
He wrapped his arms around me. “I don’t know.”
A car waiting to pull up beeped its horn behind us.
“Relax, buddy!” Shelly screamed. “We’re having a moment, here!”
“Let’s get out of here,” I said, pulling away from Brody. “Before she kills somebody.”
I fastened my seatbelt in the backseat. I swiped open my phone to tap out a text to let Chase know I had landed safely. I stared at the blinking cursor, unsure of what to say. Words seemed futile when compared to the pain I had just caused him.
Shelly talked the entire ride home, which I did not mind for once. I needed something else to focus on other than the giant hole in my chest. When we arrived at my apartment, I stared up at the Brooks’ house.
Shelly turned around in her seat to look at me. “I already spoke to Beverly. She’s expecting you. I figured you wouldn’t want to explain it after a day like today.”
“Thanks. I hadn’t quite figured out what to say to her. I’m so embarrassed.”
Brody’s eyes looked at me in the rearview mirror. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. She will understand all of it. She’ll be thankful you’re okay, and that you’re making the right choice.”
“Am I?” I asked.
“Did you stay in California and turn into a raging alcoholic?” Shelly asked rhetorically. “You’re making the right choice.”
I unbuckled myself. “Thanks for picking me up, guys.”
“Want me to stay over tonight?” Shelly asked.
“No. Thanks, though. I’ll call you in the morning.”
Khloe was waiting at the door as I walked up the driveway. Beverly was behind her, with her usual warm smile spread across her face.
I walked through the door as Tanner trotted down the stairs. “Welcome home, sis.”
Khloe jumped into my arms. “Merry! I missed you so much!”
I squeezed her so tight that she let out a puff of air from her tiny mouth. “Not as much as I missed you!”
“Mommy said I have to go to bed now because it’s late, but I will see you soon, right?”
“Right.”
Tanner held out his hand. “Let’s go, squirt.”
“Can you give me a piggyback ride, Tan-Tan?”
“Only if you stop calling me Tan-Tan.” He knelt down, and she jumped onto his back like a koala bear. It was comforting to know that everything was exactly the way I had left it.
Beverly watched and waited for her two children to disappear into Khloe’s bedroom. As soon as the door closed, she turned to me and opened her arms.
Without hesitation, I flung myself into her embrace. She hugged me as I sobbed.
“I’m so sorry I let you down,” I said.
“Are you crazy? You didn’t let me down. Why would you say such a thing?”
“You were counting on me to take care of Chase, and I failed.”
“I don’t want you to take care of Chase if it means that you don’t take care of yourself!”
While she was hugging me, my eyes settled on the wine rack in the dining room. A knot in my stomach formed, and twisted with desire. I knew that if I had something to drink, it would help to calm me down. I told myself that I needed something to get me through the first night without Chase; I just needed something to make me feel better I told myself this would be the last time.
I pulled away from Beverly, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. “Can I please have a few tissues?”
“Of course.” She disappeared into the hallway.
I ran as quickly as I could, and grabbed a bottle of wine off the rack. I concealed it in my duffle bag, and swung it over my shoulder as Beverly returned.
“Thanks.” I blew my nose, and wiped my eyes. I said goodnight, too guilty to stay and continue looking her in the eyes.
Inside my apartment, I wheeled my luggage into the closet and shut the door. I grabbed the bottle opener from the kitchen, and climbed into bed, wine bottle in hand. I remained in my clothes because they smelled like Chase. It was insane – when I was in California, all I wanted was to be back home; now that I was home, all I wanted was to run back to California.
I drank until I could no longer feel the throbbing pain in my chest, which was most of the bottle. The only time I picked my head up was to check if Chase responded to any of my texts. He hadn’t.
Chapter Nine: The Drunk Girl Crying Thing
“Somebody, help! Get me out of here!” I screamed.
I put my ear up to the do
or again, straining to hear any sign of life on the other side. I balled my hands into fists and pounded on the door for a second time.
“Somebody, please! Chase! Can you hear me?”
My throat burned from screaming so loudly. I kicked the door with all of my might. Something was blocking the door, and I could not push it open. After several more failed attempts, I sat on the stairs in defeat. I could not go back up, and I could not get through down here. I was stuck.
I covered my face with my hands, and began to cry.
My phone buzzed and I opened my eyes.
“Hello?” I answered groggily.
“I’m outside. Open up, I’m freezing by buns off!”
I quickly unlocked the door, and returned to my bed under the warm covers.
Shelly stomped the snow off of her boots, and hung her jacket in the closet. “I’m so over this snow. It’s April, for God’s sake!” She made a beeline for the bed as soon as she entered my room. “You’ve been lying in this bed for two days. Enough is enough.” She ripped the covers off of me, and bounced onto the bed. “Rise and shine, bitch.”
I grumbled while I sat up.
“You’re not going to get better lying here.”
“I know.” I checked my phone for the millionth time.
“Has he called at all?”
“Nope.”
“He’s probably just busy with work.”
“I just feel so guilty for leaving him.”
Shelly eyed the empty bottle of wine, but said nothing. I was glad, because I didn’t want to admit that I stole it from Beverly. “Just because it’s his dream to be there doesn’t mean it has to be yours, too. You need to figure things out. I’m sure he feels just as guilty for bringing you there in the first place.”
“I can’t get his face out of my head. He looked crushed when he left me at the airport.” I squeezed my eyes shut to keep the tears at bay. “I feel like I ruined everything.”
“You didn’t ruin anything. Lots of people live apart from each other. This is only temporary.”
“Until when, though? I hate not knowing – I hate that there’s not an end in sight. What if he doesn’t ever want to come back? What if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? What if… what if he finds someone else?”
“That boy loves you, Merritt. His heart belongs to you, and you will both figure everything out together. It’s just going to take some time.”
“Time. Why can’t it ever be, like, ice cream or something? How come we can’t just say, “It’s going to take some ice cream to make everything better,”? Why is it always time?”
A smile crept onto her face. “Why don’t you come out with us tonight? Brody and the guys are having a party at the house.”
I shook my head before she even finished speaking. “No. I’m not ready to go out yet.”
“You’ve been in bed long enough. You need to get some fresh air… and a shower.”
I covered my face with my hands. “You’re not going to leave me alone, are you?”
“Nope!” She skipped over to my closet and gasped. “Merritt! You haven’t even unpacked?”
“Look at me, Shell. Does it look like I unpacked?”
Her eyes gave me a once over. “Fine. I’ll bring my steamer over later and we can get the wrinkles out of some of these clothes. You’ll look great tonight.”
“I don’t care what I look like. I’m only going out because you are as relentless as a squirrel.”
“I’m not getting that analogy – how is a squirrel relentless? Like, that wasn’t even funny.”
“I just went through a lot. I guess I’m off my game.”
“Maybe you’re just not funny anymore. Maybe you’ve hit your sarcasm quota for life.”
I clutched my heart. “Don’t say such a thing! Sarcasm is all I have left in this world.”
She giggled as she walked to the side of the bed, and threw her arm around my shoulders. “And me!”
“Hurry up and get to school. You’re going to be late for class.”
“I’ll come by later to get ready for tonight.” She grabbed her things and bounced out of the apartment.
Alone again. I laid back down on my pillow, pulling the covers up around my chin. I typed out yet another text to Chase. Staring at my phone, I waited for him to respond. After twenty minutes, my eyes began to close again.
It was getting dark when I opened my eyes. I frantically searched for my phone in the covers, hoping to see a response from Chase. All I found was a text from Shelly stating that she was on her way. Looking at the time, she would be here any minute. I unlocked the door, texted her to let herself in, and turned on the water in the shower.
Shelly came into the bathroom when she arrived. “You don’t have anything picked out for tonight.”
“I didn’t know what to wear.” I popped my head out from behind the shower curtain. Shelly was wearing brown boots with jeans, and a navy sweater. “I’ll just do jeans and a long sleeve tee. I’ll wear my Uggs. I want to be comfortable.”
“I’ll steam a few shirts so you can pick which one you want.”
I breathed a sigh of relief that she did not argue with me about what I should wear. I did my hair, and made enough of an effort to put mascara on my lashes. That was all Shelly would get out of me tonight, and she knew it. She didn’t complain once.
I surveyed the three tops she laid out on the bed for me, and pulled the black V-neck over my head. I tucked my jeans into my black knit boots, and spritzed perfume on. Lastly, I fastened the necklace Chase gave me around my neck.
“You look nice,” Shelly said. “You’re looking a little thin these days, but we’ll get some food in you soon.”
“I’m just not hungry.” I checked my phone one last time before tossing it into my purse. Still nothing. I wondered why he was not responding to my texts. I knew he was upset, but I didn’t expect him to ignore me for days at a time. I almost wished he was sending me angry texts instead. I already had abandonment issues from my mother – the last thing I needed was complete radio silence.
Shelly linked her arm with mine as we walked into the living room. “He will come around. I promise.”
When we arrived at the party, we searched for Brody.
“Hey, bitch!” I heard someone shout behind me. I turned to see Tina and Kenzie making their way over to me through the crowded living room.
“I forgot to tell you,” Shelly leaned in. “The girls were pissed you didn’t say goodbye.”
“Don’t you roll your eyes at me,” Tina pointed as she took her stance in front of me. “You left, and you didn’t even tell us you were leaving! Who does that?”
Kenzie’s eyes were wide with curiosity. “Tell me everything! How is it in California? I’m so jealous.”
“Don’t be.” I spotted Brody in the kitchen, and nudged Shelly. “There he is.”
Shelly took off bounding into the next room.
“What were you, on the Hollywood diet?” Tina asked, eying my body.
“More like the liquid diet.”
Kenzie looked around. “Where’s Chase?”
I ignored the stabbing pain in my chest. “He’s in California still.”
“Okay. Enough with the cryptic bullshit.” Tina put her hands on her hips. “What the hell is going on?”
“Cliff’s Notes version: My mom showed up at my door asking for forgiveness, Chase asked me to move to California with him, we were there for about five days before I decided to take up alcoholism. Now I’m back, and he’s still there. The end.”
Both of their jaws dropped open.
“Oh, good,” said Shelly, returning with Brody. “You told them.”
“What did your mother want?” Tina asked.
“I don’t know.”
Kenzie’s eyebrows were still pushed together. “Did you guys break up?”
“I didn’t think so, but he hasn’t answered my texts in five days, so that’s been a good time.”
“Brody!” Jac
k, one of Brody’s frat brothers, called from the staircase. “Game’s starting. Let’s go!”
“Let’s go, babe.” Brody took Shelly’s hand.
I raised an eyebrow at her.
“We’re playing against Jack and Melanie,” she said apologetically. “Brody bet them that we were better at pool then they were. Want to come watch us take their money?”
“No,” Tina said, linking her arm with mine. “She doesn’t want to watch. She’s staying down here with me.”
“Rob and I are playing the winners,” said Kenzie. “I’ll see you guys a little later.”
As soon as they disappeared up the stairs, Tina dragged me into the kitchen. “We’re doing shots.”
I shook my head. “No, Tee. I can’t do shots. I need to stay away from alcohol.”
“No one needs to stay away from alcohol. What you need is to learn how to remain in control.” She spun the cap from the bottle of tequila and poured two shot glasses filled to the brim. “And I’m the professional at that.”
I hesitated.
“Who drove tonight?” she asked impatiently.
“Shelly.”
Tina handed the glass to me. “Then you’re good.” She clinked her glass with mine, and downed her shot.
Tanner appeared in the doorway, searching the room until his eyes settled on me. He looked down at the glass in my hand. “I came by your apartment before, but you had already left.”
“Why, what’s wrong? Is Chase okay?”
“He’s fine. I just spoke to him an hour ago.”
It felt as if someone poured lighter fluid on the fire in my stomach. “Well, at least he’s talking to somebody.”
“What do you mean?”
“He hasn’t responded to any of my texts.”
“He’s just having a hard time.”
I put my hand on my hip. “So it’s okay to ignore somebody when you’re having a hard time?”
He raised his hands up in surrender. “Hey, don’t kill the messenger.”
I looked down at the light brown liquor in my glass. I raised it to my lips, tilting my head back to let the liquid burn its way down my throat.
Tanner elbowed Tina. “Watch her tonight.” He turned to walk out of the kitchen.
“I don’t need anybody to watch me!” I called after him.
Avoidance Page 10