‘I know and I’m sorry.’ He kissed my neck and ran his hands up and down my back. I released him reluctantly and watched as he pulled off his towel and rubbed his gorgeous body down. Much as my body was ready for him, my head wasn’t, I still needed to process how hurt I felt. He smiled, he knew that I was aroused and it didn’t help as I watched him pull on a pair of tight navy boxers, his dark navy jeans and a white shirt which he left unbuttoned at the collar. He padded barefoot back to the bathroom and blasted his hair with the hairdryer and reappeared smelling and looking edible.
‘God, you’re so hot,’ I sighed. ‘I think you might just be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.’
‘I think the same about you every minute, Mia. How did we get so lucky to find each other?’ He didn’t give me a chance to answer as he pushed me up against the wall and kissed me forcefully. He broke away leaving me gasping for air and flashed me a smile before taking my hand and heading downstairs.
‘Perfect timing guys. How’s the head, Gabriel?’ asked Robert as he plated up.
‘Coffee and water helping Dad. How are you, ok? You had as much as me,’ he replied making himself another black coffee and me a latte as I set the table.
‘Trust me, I’m feeling it too, but I drink socially more often than you do.’
We all sat down and tucked into a massive breakfast of bacon, sausage, poached eggs, beans, and fried mushrooms and tomatoes and some hot buttered toast and discussed what food we’d need to get in for the Christmas break and Robert suggested stocking up on spirits and beer. He wanted a tree in the hall, Gabe’s lounge and the corner of the dining room and Gabe wanted one in his bedroom. Robert insisted on making a significant transfer to Gabe’s account to cover the costs. I cleaned up as they argued before agreeing on who’d cover what, both of them shutting me down when I suggested I pay for a half of it as Lexi and I were joining them.
‘So Dad, we’re going to go and get something so we can cook you a roast dinner before you go tonight. What do you fancy?’
‘It’s been a while since I’ve had a decent roast beef, if you don’t mind?’ he asked looking at us both. We shook our heads and Gabe started making a list of what we needed.
‘I better go and put on my jeans and check with Lexi how it’s going over there with the clean. Thanks Robert, that was really nice. Are you going to come shopping with us?’
‘No, I’ll get re-packed and may take a swim and relax in the steam room and sauna.’
I wandered up and changed into my tight black jeans and my red converse trainers and put Gabe’s navy suede sneakers out for him, making the bed before sitting on it and calling Lexi. It went straight to answer machine.
‘Hey Lex it’s me. Just making sure it’s going ok over there with the cleaners. Probably be back about seven-ish tonight, we’ll have eaten so don’t worry about us and just because I’m coming back doesn’t mean Doug can’t stay over. As long as we agree a rota for the bathroom. I’ve missed you, it’ll be nice to come home.’
I went and put on some mascara, Vaseline and jewellery and came back to the bedroom to see Gabe sitting on the bed, shoes on ready.
‘Ok, I’m good to go,’ I smiled. He gave me a quick look, stood up and walked to the bedroom door and opened it and waited for me. I looked at him as I passed, he looked strangely moody all of a sudden and I wondered if his hangover was kicking in. I grabbed his keys from the rack in the hall and opened the car as we walked across. ‘Do you want to try driving? It’s not too far to the supermarket.’ He shook his head and got in the passenger seat and I slid in behind the drivers’ wheel and started the engine. ‘Gabe, what’s wrong? You seem off.’
‘Nothing, I’m fine. Let’s go,’ he replied, but he was very short and sharp. I looked at him again, he wasn’t fine, the crease in his brow said so, without the tension I could feel radiating off him.
We drove in silence to Waitrose and I carefully pulled into a parking place at the far end of the car park in the corner. I was still nervous about scratching his car, or someone denting it, so I always picked the space furthest away from the supermarket door, which usually made him laugh. I looked at him as he went to reach for the door handle and I put my hand on his knee.
‘Is it your hangover?’
‘What?’
‘The reason you’re all quiet.’
‘No, I’m fine.’ He went to get out again and I tugged on his sleeve.
‘Gabe talk to me, I know something’s wrong.’
‘I said I was fine. Let’s just get the shopping, ok?’
‘No, not ok. Talk to me, don’t shut me out.’
‘Like you talked to me last night?’ He turned to face me, looking seriously pissed at me.
‘What?’ I sat back and pulled my hand away.
‘You’d rather talk to my dad and cry on his shoulder than do that with me?’ he snapped. I sighed and sat back in my seat. That was why he’d changed, Robert had obviously said something to him.
‘Gabe, you were drunk.’
‘Drunk or sober Mia, I’m your boyfriend. If I upset you I need to trust you to tell me.’
‘Gabe, what would’ve been the point? You were so drunk you wouldn’t have remembered the conversation. Christ, this morning you couldn’t even remember getting a blow job.’
‘That’s not the point. You don’t run to my dad with our problems, Mia.’
‘Run to your dad?’ I asked surprised. ‘I was getting you some water to help you sober up and he was there, ok. I didn’t run to anyone.’
‘Our problems are our problems Mia, no one else’s.’
‘O don’t you even think about going down that road, Gabe. You’ve been discussing all my personal issues with Robert. My concerns about marriage and children, my fertility issues and even my relationship with my dad, so you don’t get to lecture me on keeping things between us private.’
‘So you’re saying I can’t discuss my relationship with my own father.’
‘No of course not, but don’t you dare have a go at me when he then wants to talk to me about the things that you’ve let slip to him. I don’t appreciate some of the very personal and private things in my life being shared without my knowledge.’
‘He’s my dad Mia, I can tell him whatever I want to about our relationship and how your issues affect me, it’s not your place to discuss our problems with him.’
‘I wasn’t even aware we had any problems, or that my “issues” were affecting you so badly until you offloaded on me last night, Gabe. You told me no pressure, that you’d let me deal with the whole boat load of crap that just landed on me after my diagnosis in my own time and hey, guess what? You’re not. I’m the one who gets to be mad here, not you.’ I was trying to stay calm, but I was finding it difficult I was so cross with him. I’d even been planning to tell him that I was prepared to offer him what he wanted all along, at some stage in our future, but now I was mad.
‘You ran from me Mia, you keep trying to run from me.’
‘I didn’t bloody run anywhere.’
‘Right, keep telling yourself that. You run rather than share,’ he said with a scowl.
‘Don’t play the martyr Gabe, you’ve walked around pretending everything was fine, not telling me what you were really feeling. It takes you getting pissed to be really honest with me, so don’t make out this is all on me.’ I scowled back at him equally fiercely.
‘I’m always honest with you, Mia.’
‘Right, that’s why I ended up in tears last night and had to let your dad comfort me. You tell yourself what you want to hear Gabe, and I’ll do the same. You know what, go and do your own bloody shopping, suddenly I’m not in the mood for your shitty company. How’s that for sharing and honesty?’ I threw his keys at him and sat back in the driver’s seat, facing the hedge and crossed my arms. I bit my lip to stop myself from saying anymore, I could feel the tension filling the car and I wasn’t in the mood for it to escalate further.
‘Well there’s a surprise
. You’re shutting me out, again. I guess I should be grateful you aren’t running.’ I could hear the sarcasm in his voice and felt tears welling up in my eyes as I turned to face him again.
‘How dare you, Gabe. I never bloody ran anywhere and don’t take that tone with me, not after … not after everything. I’ve been by your side for the last five weeks, I’ve played mother, nurse, girlfriend, best friend and all while you’ve been a gigantic pain in everyone’s arses, even Doug was sick of your mood swings, but I stuck with you because you’d been through an ordeal and you needed me. I couldn’t be more committed to you if I tried. Just go already, before one of us says something we’ll really regret.’
‘If you’ve something to say Mia, say it.’
‘I pretty much just did Gabe. Until you can be as honest with me sober as you were drunk last night, I have nothing more to say. Please go away, I don’t want to deal with you right now because you’re in one of your ridiculous bullshit accusatory moods and you’re talking about stuff without having a clue what happened, so go and leave me alone. See, I can be completely honest with you.’ I could feel him watching me so I sat back again and closed my eyes.
‘Now you’re angry with me?’
‘Stop telling me how I feel Gabe, you’ve no idea. Just leave me alone and go and do the bloody shopping.’ I wrapped my arms around myself tightly.
‘No, we need to discuss this.’
‘Stop pushing me, I shouldn’t have to be the one to tell you what you’re really feeling on the inside, Gabe. When you can open up to me then we’ll talk. Right now, I need a time out without you bullying me or accusing me of running. If I run it’ll be because you made me.’ I heard him sigh and shift in his seat and the car door open.
‘Will you be here when I get back?’ his voice was low and softer.
‘O for God’s sake.’ I opened my eyes and turned to fix him with an incredulous look. ‘What the hell’s going on with you, Gabe? You’re paranoid. I’m upset and pissed off, which happens with you a lot lately, but it doesn’t mean I’ve stopped loving you or that I’m going to leave you.’
‘Come with me.’
‘I can’t. I promise you that I’m being totally honest with you now Gabe, I need some distance for a minute, time to cool down,’ I looked away and shut my eyes again.
‘What the hell did I say to you, Mia?’ he asked with a heavy sigh. I shook my head and felt the tears behind my eyelids and heard the door close. I sighed knowing it wasn’t over, we were going to have to have it out.
I woke with a start and an overwhelming urge to pee as I heard the boot open and the rustle of bags. I opened the car door and got out and he shut the boot and stood looking at me. He looked tired, frustrated and upset.
‘Mia I’m …’
‘I’m sorry, I need the toilet.’ I ran as quickly as I could and weaved through the cars and only just made it in time. I sighed with relief and went to wash up and looked at my face. I looked tired too, with bags under my eyes, even my skin looked dull. I held onto the sink and hung my head. The last two months had been hard and I realised that I’d kept going because I had too. I’d not taken the time to think about everything, a new relationship, sex, my condition and operation, new hormone tablets and Lexi’s miscarriage. Not to mention all the study catch up, Gabe’s accident and recovery and me taking care of him. No wonder I felt wiped out and on edge. The only time I felt my equilibrium was restored was when he had his arms around me, even when it was because of him that I felt out of sorts.
I walked back through the cars and saw him leaning against his, hands in his jeans pockets looking at the floor. I stopped and stood watching him and felt my heart racing, he suddenly looked up, saw me and tilted his head as if trying to study me to gauge my mood. I ran to him and flung my arms around his neck and kissed him, taking him by surprise before I put my cheek against his chest.
‘I don’t want to fight anymore,’ I whispered.
‘Neither do I ,Mia,’ his arms went around me and tightened and he let out a big sigh. ‘I called my dad to ask him what happened and he said I needed to talk to you.’
‘You don’t tell me how you really feel, Gabe.’
‘I do Mia, I always tell you how much I love you. Isn’t it enough? Don’t I show you enough?’
‘Of course you do Gabe, you’re feelings for me couldn’t be clearer, but you think I don’t love you back the same.’ I closed my eyes and nuzzled his chest.
‘I said that?’
‘Yes and you obviously feel it Gabe, you only say what you feel and last night you said to me ... you said “it’s ok that you don’t love me, not like I love you.” Do you know how hurtful that was to hear? I couldn’t love you more if I tried.’
‘I know you love me Mia, I don’t know why I’d say something like that. I’m so sorry.’ I felt his arms tighten around me.
‘You said it because you think I don’t want to marry you or have children with you because I don’t love you enough and that’s not true.’
‘O fuck Mia, I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t apologise for what you said Gabe, I want you to be able to be honest with me. You need to apologise for not telling me how you felt before, that shouldn’t have only happened as a drunken slip up. You were so upset, you were crying and then you told me we weren’t allowed to talk about it, then you begged me not to leave you as you sobbed. I’m upset that you feel like this and don’t share it with me.’ I felt his lips graze the back of my neck and he buried his face in my hair.
‘Mia, why didn’t you say something this morning?’
‘You’d forgotten what you’d said Gabe, and I didn’t want to argue. We’ve spent the last five weeks arguing about ridiculous petty stuff and I’m sick and tired of it. I just want things to go back to normal, for us to have fun again and trust each other. After everything we’ve just been through, you really think I’ll leave you?’
‘I’m scared that you will because you know what I want and you don’t want the same. It’s what I’d do for you. I love you enough to let you walk away if you were unhappy, hoping you’d find happiness with someone else, even though I’d die to see you in someone else’s arms, I just couldn’t bear to make you miserable,’ he said with a shaky voice. I felt his fingers stroking the back of my bare neck and closed my eyes and enjoyed his touch. The thought of never feeling it again made me shiver.
‘I’m the same, Gabe. If you were unhappy with me, I’d want you to end it and go and find someone else.’
‘I won’t be happy with someone else Mia, I could never be happy without you. I want a family with you and yes … it makes me incredibly sad that you don’t want that with me, but I want you more. I already told you that.’
I lifted my head and looked at him. ‘But to think it’s because I don’t love you …’ I faltered and had to take a deep breath.
‘Then what is it, Mia? You want to live with me, you see us together long term, but you never see those things in our future?
‘It’s not you Gabe, it’s me. We’ve touched on this, I’ve a whole load of baggage that I’m trying to deal with because I want to get there Gabe, I want to be in a position to give you what you want, to make you happy, but you need to let me deal with this in my own time, alone.’
‘Deal with it with me, Mia.’
‘I can’t. Don’t you see? It’s not about you, it was all there before you and it will all still be there even if you walk away from me. It’s got nothing to do with you, it’s about my fucked up ideas about relationships and marriage that I have to sort for myself. I haven’t been going to Pilates on Wednesday’s the last two months like you assumed. I’ve been having counselling, because I’m trying, Gabe. I’m really trying to deal with it all because you’ve made me want to, because I want to make you happy.’
‘You do make me happy Mia, so happy.’
‘But you want me to commit to more.’
‘Yes,’ he nodded with a sigh. ‘I told you I’m of the belief that when
two people love each other, in time they naturally progress to marriage and children.’
‘Gabe, you’ve made me want to explore the idea of having those things with you, which is a massive step, but it’s going to take hundreds more little ones for me to catch you up and be in that place with you. I’m trying so hard and to hear you telling me it’s not working I ...’ I broke off and sighed.
‘O God baby, I’m so sorry. It is working, look at us. You wanted no strings sex when you met me and now we’re in love and we’ll be moving into our own place soon. Whatever you’re doing is working because we’re still together. You’re really looking to the future though, about wanting to have those things with me?’
‘Yes,’ I whispered as my heart raced so fast I thought I was about to have a heart attack.
‘Mia, you’ve no idea what that means to me. Just knowing that makes me feel so much better.’
‘Your dad has offered for me to see his therapist.’
‘Dr. Jarvis?’
‘Yes.’
‘He wants me to see him too.’
‘I agreed I would, Gabe. I’ll do it for us and I hope that in time maybe we can discuss the rest as a couple, but I’m nowhere near there yet. I want to make you happy but I need time that you’re simply not giving me.’
‘Then I’ll try to respect that Mia, I can’t lose you, not now.’
‘I’ve had to deal with a lot in the last two months Gabe, and I’m pretty amazed I’ve made it through it all, let alone us as a couple and that tells me how much I must love you. You need to trust that I do and that I’m trying with the rest, I really am and I’d really like you to have therapy too. Robert told me you’d told him about your mum and you don’t realise how much it affects you. It manifests in this side of you that panics and puts pressure on me.’
‘I’ve already agreed with Dad this morning that I’d go Mia, I know I’ve been out of sorts lately and you’ve put up with so much. You’re so amazing baby, I can’t believe the things you do for me without telling me.’
‘I love you, you just need to believe that Gabe,’ I whispered. He let go of me and brushed his thumbs on the side of my face, clasped it and kissed me and I pushed into him as I responded. He spun me around and pinned me up against the car, pressing against me as his lips worked furiously on mine making me dizzy.
The Honeymoon Period (The Austin Series) Page 18