‘It’ll make me feel better.’ I started to run my hand up and down his chest and I felt his body stiffen. ‘Please Gabe, for me,’ I begged as I wiped my face again.
‘Mia, no,’ he sighed as he closed his eyes to avoid the look I was giving him. I ran my hand down and cupped his balls and felt him tense up. ‘Mia, stop,’ he pleaded as I started to stroke them and kiss his exposed throat and neck. I felt him start to swell in my palm and encircled his root with my thumb and index finger, until they were forced apart as his erection grew bigger. ‘Mia, baby please stop,’ he moaned. I couldn’t, I wanted him so badly, he could blot out everything by fucking me and that was exactly what I needed right now. I pushed him on his back and quickly straddled him.
‘I need you Gabe, I need you inside me.’ I reached down and went to grasp him to guide him into me and he grabbed my hand and quickly sat up, eye level with me, his breathing hot and fast, the expelled air felt like caresses across my skin and gave me goose bumps.
‘Not like this baby, not when you’re upset.’
‘But I want you and you want me.’
‘Talk to me,’ he pleaded searching my eyes for a clue as to what was going on with me, but it wasn’t what I wanted right now. I was emotional and tired and I just wanted to lose myself for a while, orgasms would help me switch off and drift into some much needed contented sleep.
‘I don’t want to talk Gabe, I just want to fuck.’ I reached out to stroke the back of his neck and leaned in and kissed the hollow above his collar bone and I heard him moan softly as his hands held my shoulders and pushed me gently back.
‘Stop Mia,’ he sighed. I cupped his face and kissed him tenderly, his lips were so soft. I gently bit his lower lip, tugged it out and sucked it and felt his heart beat quicken and his erection started to flex, tapping at my pubic bone. I quickly sank my tongue into his mouth and he groaned loudly, still trying to push me back, but without any real force. I read it as a protest, rather than a sign I’d gone too far and lifted myself quickly before pushing him into position and dropping onto him until he was partly inside me before his hands grabbed my bottom and held me up, stopping me from sinking all the way down onto him. ‘Mia, what’s gotten into you? You tell me you’re worried it’s all about lust and sex with us, then when you’re emotional and I want to talk to you about it, you avoid by initiating sex.’
‘I just know what I feel right now, Gabe. I want you, I need you. Don’t you want me?’
‘I’m not answering that Mia, if I say yes we end up having sex and you win. If I say no, you’ll get upset.’
‘I win? It’s not about that, Gabe. My body’s aching for you. Can’t you feel it? The need in me? Please, I need this.’
‘Mia,’ he hissed, exasperated. I was on the verge of anger at his rejection of me again. My desire for him was so strong and I’d only ever refused him to avoid physically hurting him. I grabbed his face, kissed him and bit his lip hard, sucking the blood that trickled from it. He started kissing me back, suddenly letting go of my backside to dig his fingers into my shoulder blades and I sank down on him hard and fast and yelled as he impaled me. ‘Mia,’ he snapped as he pulled his face away, his eyes were furious, furious and scorching hot.
‘Fuck me, please fuck me and do it hard,’ I groaned. He flipped in one easy move to put me on my back and pulled slowly out of me, glowering above me, making my lips part as I inhaled sharply, wondering if he was moving away or preparing to do as I asked. I yelped as he plunged himself into me as hard as he could, pulled back and did it again, forcing me up the bed and bit my nipple making me scream and quiver with pleasure.
‘Is this what you want? Rough and hard?’ he hissed looking unbelievably angry with me.
‘Yes,’ I gasped, my eyes wide as I clenched down on him making him jerk his head back and grimace.
‘Well you’re not fucking getting it,’ he spat as he pulled out of me and quickly stood up, running his hand through his hair as I lay on the bed in shock.
‘Gabe?’
‘Don’t fucking “Gabe” me. You’re doing exactly what you had a go at me for earlier Mia, you’re shutting me out and using sex as a distraction technique.’
‘It’s not a distraction, we can talk after, right now I just want you.’
‘No, you just want this,’ he hissed again as he grabbed his erection. ‘Well you’re not going anywhere near it. In fact, as of this moment, our sex life’s over. You’re worried it’s all about fucking? Fine, I’m taking sex and any other form of stimulation out of the equation. From now on it’s just you and me Mia, no sex, no foreplay and no kissing. I’ll bloody prove to you once and for all that you’re more to me than that and maybe once you trust me, you’ll open up to me.’
‘Gabe,’ I exclaimed as I sat up in the bed. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
‘You’ve forced my hand Mia, so now both of us are going to suffer,’ he snapped. I watched stunned as he grabbed some boxers from the wardrobe, my pillow and the blanket and glared at me before he stormed into the lounge, slamming the bedroom door shut. I sat there for a while trying to process what had just happened, then quickly scrambled up and went into the lounge to find him lying on the sofa, under the blanket starting at the fire.
‘Gabe?’
‘I’m tired and I need to sleep, go away, Mia,’ he snapped without looking at me.
‘But we need to talk about this.’
‘No! You only want to talk now because it suits you. You only want to resolve this so we can fuck. Well it’s not a good time for me, go to bed.’
‘But I don’t want to sleep without you, Gabe.’
‘Tough,’ he replied coldly and I felt the ice pierce my heart.
‘Gabe, don’t do this, don’t end our weekend like this, please,’ I pleaded. He bolted upright and fixed me with a glare and I could see the fury in his eyes hadn’t dampened at all.
‘You ended it like this Mia, crying and shutting me out and then goading me into fucking you. If you won’t leave me to sleep, I’ll go down to reception and get myself another room,’ he shouted. I bit my lip as I felt my eyes well up. ‘Don’t try those fucking girly waterworks either, I’m not backing down,’ he growled as he threw himself back down on the sofa.
‘Gabe, I was just tired and upset. It’s been a difficult few months and I’ve been bottling it all up, trying to be strong for you, it had to come out some time and it just happened to be tonight.’
‘So now it’s all my fault, is it? I’m sorry my almost getting run over has been so bloody hard for you, Mia. Go to fucking bed, I’m not going to ask you again.’
‘I never said it was your fault, I’ve …’
‘MIA,’ he roared, cutting me off as he sat up again and threw such a furious glare my way I took a few steps back. ‘Go to fucking bed. Jesus Christ, no wonder I avoided bloody relationships.’
I’d never seen him so angry and his words really hurt. Despite willing myself not to, I burst into tears again and ran through to the bedroom slamming the door behind me this time and threw myself into the bed. I pulled the duvet over my head and sobbed, my body jerking with every violent gasp for air. In the nine weeks we’d been together we’d only spent five nights apart and to do it tonight, after the last few perfect days, was more than I could bear.
I don’t remember falling asleep, but when I woke up, it was pitch black. My head was pounding and my eyes felt sore and my lids swollen. I felt constricted and realised Gabe was curled around me, his arms wrapped tightly around me, his chest against my back and his face pressed into the curve of my neck and shoulder. My body was wracked with another sob to realise that he’d relented and come in for me.
‘Sssshhhh, sleep baby, we’ll talk tomorrow. It’s ok just sleep, I’m not going anywhere. Please don’t cry anymore, it just kills me,’ he whispered. I sniffed and wriggled around in his arms, nuzzled into his chest and pushed a leg between his. I needed as much body contact with him as possible to make me feel safe again. He ki
ssed the top of my head and sighed. ‘I love you baby. I’ve got you, I’ll always have you, Mia. Please go to sleep, you’re exhausted.’
Sunday
I woke up with Gabe still clutching me to his chest. I’d no idea what time it was and I didn’t care, I just wanted to lie here in his arms and forget all about the arguments we’d had last night, my nightmare and the stress of the last few months. I sighed and felt his arms tighten around me.
‘Are you awake?’ he whispered.
‘Yes, have you been awake long?’ I mumbled into his firm chest.
‘No, about five minutes. How are you feeling?’
‘My head hurts, my eyes feel swollen from crying and I’m starving.’
‘Me too, starving that is. I’m so sorry I shouted at you last night,’ he whispered and kissed the top of my head.
‘I’m sorry I made you mad.’
‘We need to talk about it baby, without fighting, I don’t want to argue again, please. Can we do that?’
‘Ok.’ I tilted my face up to look at him and he gasped and ran his thumb under one of my eyes.
‘God Mia, your eyes are so swollen. I’ll go and put some teaspoons in the fridge and order us some food and we can sit in bed and talk. What would you like to eat?’
‘I’d love the pancakes and bacon again, that was really nice.’
‘Ok,’ he looked at me hesitantly then planted a kiss on my forehead and eased himself out of the bed and headed into the lounge.
I stretched and sat up and groaned as I clutched my forehead. It wasn’t a hangover, it was a cryover and felt so much worse than an alcohol induced one. I got up and padded into the bathroom, still dressed in his white t-shirt from last night and my legwarmers and I did a double take when I saw myself in the mirror. I looked awful, my upper and lower lids were all puffy from crying, leaving my once bright blue eyes dull and merely slits, and I looked exhausted. I brushed my teeth and took my pill and a couple of headache tablets and went and got back in bed, propping myself up on the pillows. It was already half past nine and I wondered what time we needed to be out of the room. I looked up as Gabe strode back in, still in his boxers and he put on the fire, opened the curtains and hopped up onto the side of the bed facing me.
‘So,’ he said looking directly at me. ‘Who’s going to go first?’
‘I think you’d better, as I don’t know what went wrong last night.’
‘Baby,’ he sighed. ‘You’re seriously going to play the innocent card?’ You were sobbing your heart out, first on the balcony in the middle of the night and then after we had our fight. I need you to talk to me, tell me what I’m doing wrong because I just don’t know. I know we had that fight before the club, but I apologised for that and I thought we were ok. Tell me what I did?’
‘You didn’t do anything Gabe, but you didn’t give me a chance to explain …’
‘O come on, Mia,’ he interrupted. ‘I gave you loads of chances to explain and you forced yourself on me to avoid it.’
‘Forced myself?’ I objected. ‘You make it sound like I tied you up and raped you at gun point.’
‘I kept telling you to stop and you didn’t. How would you feel if you said no and I kept pushing it?’
‘But you did want it, you got hard.’
‘Baby I get hard just by looking at you, it’s an automatic uncontrollable reaction, but if I say no, I mean no. I didn’t want to have sex because you were upset. I wanted to talk to you and find out what was going on. You stormed off to the club last night because I put my desire to fuck above your request to talk. Then you went and did exactly the same thing to me. Like you said, we can’t have one rule for one and not for the other.’
‘I know,’ I sighed, he was right, of course he was right, I was out of order last night. ‘It’s just that sex makes me feel so close to you. I feel safe and needed when you’re inside me so I wanted that connection with you to comfort me before we talked, but you walked away and said some really mean things.’
‘What did I say that was mean?’ he asked looking surprised.
‘You told me that we weren’t going to have sex again and you implied that this relationship is too much like hard work.’
‘I wasn’t trying to be mean, Mia. I was mad with you and frustrated with myself that I still wanted you so badly when you were obviously hurting. I meant it though, you still seem to have this hang up that I’m only with you for sex and the only way I can think of proving that I’m not is to take it out of the equation.’
‘I know you love me Gabe, it’s just sometimes it feels like our sex life is the most important thing between us.’
‘Well it’s not, so that’s why I’m going to do this. Sex is off the menu,’ he said firmly as he looked at my devastated face.
‘I don’t get a say in the matter?’
‘No, this is about me proving to you that I value you as more than just someone to empty my load into, Mia.’
‘So how long are you going to try holding off?’ I asked. I could feel my bottom lip wobbling already. This wasn’t what I wanted.
‘Until I’m happy that you’ve got the message. Trust me baby, I’m not happy about it either, but I’m going to do it and if you try forcing the issue, like you did last night, then I’m going to get really mad with you again.’
‘So no sex until you say so?’ I asked, dismayed.
‘No,’ he said firmly.
‘But what about touching each other and kissing?’
‘No sexual touching, masturbating or kissing either, you know kissing always leads to more,’ he replied with a shrug. I gasped in horror, was he serious? Not even kissing?
‘But Gabe …’ I began to protest but he cut me off.
‘No arguments Mia, I’ve made up my mind. We’re doing this,’ he said firmly. I felt like a child being punished and I bit my lip and felt my eyes fill up again.
‘Don’t you love me as much as you used to?’ I whispered.
‘What?’ he uttered, aghast.
‘You don’t want to have sex with me, you don’t love me as much?’
‘Baby no,’ he reached over and ran his thumb over my quivering bottom lip. ‘That’s what I’m trying to tell you, you seem to think that love goes hand in hand with sex and it doesn’t. You’re confusing the two Mia, and they’re very different things, trust me I know that better than anyone. I’ve had sex with loads of women without loving them. For me, sex with you is amazing because I love you, but I’m not going to stop loving you just because we’re not having it. Do you get what I’m trying to prove?’
‘I think so,’ I nodded, still feeling hurt. ‘But how do you expect us to not have sex, Gabe. I want you all the time, there’s only been a couple of days since we met that one of us hasn’t helped the other out in one way or another.’
‘I’m asking you to do this for me Mia, I need this to prove to you that we’re more than that, that’s what you wanted. You wanted a reassurance that we’re more than just a couple of horny teenagers in lust and this is how we’re going to do it. It’s not going to be easy, but I’m asking you to do it to please me.’
‘But I need you, Gabe.’ I could hear the shake in my own voice.
‘You’ll have me Mia, just not like that. Don’t you want to please me?’
‘Yes,’ I whispered. ‘I always want to make you happy.’
‘Then do this for me, for us. I agreed to see you on a sex no strings basis, even though I wanted more, now I’m asked you for a full relationship with no sex. You owe me that.’
‘You really think this will help?’
‘Yes,’ he answered without hesitation.
I sat looking at him as I chewed my bottom lip, hardly able to believe what I was hearing. He wanted us to see each other and not be physical? All we’d been since we met was physical, even during our recoveries we were still finding ways to please each other. I suddenly felt terrified. What if my own worst fears came to life? What if without the passion to bind us together, he’d w
alk away? He’d realise that without the sex I wasn’t worth the effort, that I really was unlovable. As I looked at his earnest face, into his deep soulful eyes, I thought of everything he’d done to prove his love for me in the last nine weeks. It was more than just amazing sex, I was positive of it, but for that tiny element of nagging doubt still eating away deep inside me. That small part of me that was still waiting for him to let me down, just like all the other men in my life had done, but I suddenly realised it was unfair to blame Gabe for that. I had to deal with that. That was my issue and not his. He couldn’t have done more to prove his love for me if he’d tried, and I needed to see Dr. Jarvis as soon as possible to deal with my own issues if I wasn’t going to screw this up.
‘Mia?’ he bowed his head to catch my eye line and woke me from my thoughts.
‘Ok,’ I sighed in defeat, looking down at my hands, upset again. The thought of him not touching me, being inside me, was awful. He shuffled closer and put two fingers under my chin and tipped my head up to look at him.
‘It’s going to be hard baby, really hard, on both of us, but it will make us stronger, I promise. If we’re not going to fight about it, we need to agree that you don’t pressure me into breaking. When I feel that you get it, that you trust me completely to take care of you and love you the way you need me to, then I’ll initiate it sex again, ok?’ he said softly.
‘Ok,’ I bit my lip and nodded, feeling heartbroken.
‘And Mia, sometimes this relationship is hard work, I never had to work so hard with anyone before, but that tells me how much I love you. If I didn’t, I’d have walked away for no strings, uncomplicated sex. I told you, I’d rather not fight with you, but I’ll take our fighting over days of boredom with all the others every time baby. I still want to live with you in spite of all our arguments. You’re my girl Mia, the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with.’
‘And me with you, Gabe,’ I replied as I looked back at him.
‘Good, so we’re agreed?’
The Honeymoon Period (The Austin Series) Page 45