by Claire Adams
I wanted to stop her, to make her turn to me. The sickening thought that she really was going to see her boyfriend sent my mind spinning.
"Are you still seeing that quarterback?" I caught her arm and stopped her cold.
"Adam?" Clarity blinked up at me. "Are you kidding? You were there the last time I went out with him, remember?"
"Yeah, well, the kid's on a winning streak. He's going to be king of campus for the rest of the season. Isn't that what college girls find attractive?"
Clarity did not shake off my hand on her bare arm. Instead, she patted my cheek and gave me a silly, condescending smile. "College girls are actually women, and everyone knows that females mature a lot faster than males."
I swallowed hard and wished she hadn't voiced my earlier thoughts. "Excuse me," I said, "but last time I checked, a hot quarterback was every woman's type."
Clarity dropped her hand but kept smiling up at me. "Adam's tall, dark, and handsome, and I have to admit he's attractive, but he still isn't my type. I'm not looking for someone to spout sports scores and brag about touchdown passes."
"Then what are you looking for?" I let go of her arm as the question surprised us both. "I'm sure Landsman College has plenty of sensitive poets or focused scientists. You can take your pick."
Clarity laughed and shook her head. "No, I couldn't. And all I'm looking for is someone who challenges me, someone who pushes me to be more. I don't really get that from college guys. It's probably going to have to be someone older, who's been out in the world."
My fingers brushed one silky curled hair hanging loosely. "I'm glad you know you deserve better than a frat house football player."
"You know I'm really going home, right? I have no intention of going to that party at all," Clarity said. Her face leaned toward my hand, and she brushed her cheek along my fingers.
I stepped back and shoved both hands in the pockets of my tuxedo pants. "Always the good girl. I bet the dean never even gives you a curfew because you're always home on time anyway."
"Good girl?" Clarity asked. "What about the blatant lies I just told a campus security guard? Pretty sure that breaks the honor code too."
I wondered if giving the security guard a false name rated up there with almost kissing me in my office. Clarity had leaned in, her fingers tugging at my shirt front. I knew I hadn't imagined that. She was just as aware as I was how close we'd come, but I didn't see even a glimmer of regret in her green eyes.
"Do you think the honor code encompasses all honor?" I asked.
Her face lit up at the challenging question. "Interesting. Are you asking me if I believe in white lies?"
"Well, you did just give the security guard a false name to save your father any possible embarrassment," I said.
"True." Clarity tipped her face to the night sky and thought for a moment. "The Honor code doesn't have a section about lies meant as small kindnesses."
"You should tell your father to include a section on that," I joked.
Clarity smiled but shook her head. "My father loves to talk about creativity and passion, but he won't let anyone bend the rules. The honor code is his crowning achievement."
"Yet the students still love him. He has to have a level of understanding that isn't set in black and white type on college letterhead."
Clarity sighed. "He's friendly, he's approachable, but he's strictly by the books. Why do you think he's such a great dean of students?"
"Even when it comes to his own daughter and her pursuit of happiness?" I asked.
She took a few, meandering steps down the sidewalk and disappeared into the shade of a large maple. The tree still retained a thick canopy of dark-red leaves that rustled in the chill breeze. I followed her and held out my jacket again.
"No, thanks, I like feeling the changing season," Clarity said. She cocked an eyebrow at me. "And, yes, I'm sure my father would disapprove."
I laughed. "He keeps talking about breaking you out of your shell. He wants you to branch out and explore all the possibilities. I wonder what he'd think if you actually followed his advice."
Clarity laughed and rubbed her silken, bare arms. "He'd jump online and find the nearest nunnery then pack my bags for me."
"Oh, come on, your father is a good man. He knows that some day he'll have to let you make your own mistakes."
"Is that what breaking out of my shell would be? A mistake?"
I rolled my eyes and laughed. "No, Miss By-the-Books. Revelations are uncomfortable, and they aren't always the exact right thing, but they are never mistakes." I stepped closer to her in the shadow of the tree. "I can just imagine what'll you'll be like once you're free of all these self-imposed practicalities."
"Oh?" Clarity gave me a playful shove. "And what do you imagine I'll be like?"
"A wild Bohemian with tangled hair that runs around barefoot and speaks to the universe through the written word."
Clarity used both hands to shove my chest again as she laughed. "Really? Well, then let me imagine you out of your hard shell."
"I don't have a hard shell," I rubbed my chest as if she'd wounded me.
"'Self-imposed practicalities' seems like an apt description for you too. Once those are gone, I imagine you are much different."
I crossed my arms over my chest. "And what do you imagine is under my hard shell?"
Clarity's eyes sparkled even in the deep shadow of the tree. "I bet you write beat poetry, drink shots of fireball whiskey, and dance on tabletops when you're not trying to be a buttoned-up professor."
"What?"
"Based on your level of chagrin, I must be close." Clarity clapped her hands in delight. "I can just see it now. You alone in your place, the music turned up, dancing around in your underwear, free as a bird."
She held up her hands and undulated her hips in a jerky, awkward rhythm. Clarity giggled, but bit her lower lip in a ridiculous expression and continued her impression of me.
"Really?" I asked.
"What, is it more like this?" Clarity bopped her bare shoulders up and down in a clumsy and silly dance. She did her best bad dance moves through the dry leaves in between bursts of giggles.
"You look ridiculous," I chuckled.
"This is you," she waggled her eyebrows at me and danced over closer.
"Fine," I said, tossing the rented tuxedo jacket on the dry ground. "I know you think you're all gorgeous in that dress, but this is what you probably look like when you dance." I clapped my arms straight to my sides and swayed like a stiff board.
"No!" Clarity smacked my arm.
I caught her hand and spun her in a circle. We shuffled through the fallen leaves and laughed.
Clarity wrapped her other arm around me as we danced, and our smiles brushed together. The kiss was so natural, so easy, that neither of us paused. She leaned up as I pulled her to me, and our lips explored happily before a deeper hunger took over.
I pressed into the kiss and felt Clarity open to let me in. She tasted of fresh fall air and laughter. Our tangled bodies kept swaying to unheard music while the faint trace of her tongue strummed up a cacophony inside me.
We heard the running footsteps too late. The jogger, in neon pink shorts and loudly beating headphones charged around the corner and under the shadow of the tree.
"Whoa, sorry lovers!" she called out with a surprised giggle. "Aren't you both dressed a little too fancy for a roll in the leaves?"
Clarity and I pushed apart as my heart exploded in fear. The runner circled around us at a quick pace, enjoying her opportunity to tease two people in a vulnerable situation.
"Please, don't stop on my account. You're probably going to get a better workout than me tonight." She cat called and ran another laughing lap around us.
I recognized her and fought the urge to hide my face. The girl peered into the shadows with a teasing look that froze as she made out our faces.
She skidded to a stop and turned around. "Wait a second. Are you kidding me? Give me one good reason I sho
uldn't go straight to report this to the Honor Council."
"What? Libby, you know me. It's Clarity. I helped you with that Aristotle paper, remember? Can't you just pretend you didn't see anything?" Clarity asked. She clutched her fingers together and held them out beseechingly to Libby.
Libby crossed her arms. "And what exactly am I not seeing? It looks a lot like you're making out with a professor in the bushes. God, you should be glad I got here when I did, or you were going to break all kinds of rules. Isn't that a little out of character for you, goodie-goodie?"
"Yes, it's all my fault. I've, I've been drinking but you're wrong, he's not a professor, he's—"
I cut Clarity off before she could lie for me. "Libby knows who I am."
"I sure do, Professor Bauer," Libby snapped.
I snatched up my rented tuxedo coat and marched through the leaves to where Libby bounced near the sidewalk. I caught her elbow in a hard grip and pulled her farther down the sidewalk away from Clarity. "A word, Ms. Blackwell?"
Clarity wrapped her arms around her waist and backed away to the far curve of the sidewalk, out of ear shot.
Libby yanked her elbow from my grip and hissed up at me. "Don't think I don't know what you're trying to do. You're torturing me. Did my roommates tell you my regular route, or have you been watching me?"
I suppressed a disgusted shudder as Libby licked her lips. "This has nothing to do with you, Libby, and you're going to keep it that way."
"Am I?" Libby put her fists on her hips. "I think it has everything to do with me. You're trying to make me jealous, aren't you, Ford? Two years apart, and you're losing it. Well, you don't have to pretend to be a cruel ex-boyfriend anymore. You don't have to hide in the bushes just to get my attention."
I wrapped my fingers into fists. "I am not your ex-boyfriend, Libby. You need to get that straight. We made a mistake. I was a new professor, and you were a wild freshman. Just because we slept together a few times does not mean we had a relationship. It was a mistake, and it's time you let it go."
"Let it go? I remember you really let go on the floor of your apartment. We couldn't even make it to the bedroom. So hot."
I stepped back before she could reach for me. "I was drinking too much back then, and I'm not proud of what I did."
"Lots of professors would be proud to have such a hot, steamy, insatiable affair with a student like me."
My heart hammered as I looked to see if Clarity had overheard. She was preoccupied with an approaching group of partiers, clearly on their way to the frat house.
Libby followed my glance, and her voice was sharp with jealousy. "You at it again, professor? Seriously? You know her father is the dean of students, right? Oh, it is going to be too fun to tell him what I saw."
I forced myself to unwind my fists and take a deep breath. "Go ahead, Libby. I'm not going to let you blackmail or bully me. I'll tell the dean the truth myself."
"And what about pretty Ms. Clarity over there? Are you going to tell her how you had me over and over again?" Libby's narrow eyes were mean.
"Of course I'm going to tell her. She deserves the truth." My throat constricted, but I forced the words out anyway. "I'll tell her right now."
Libby tossed her bleached-blonde ponytail and jogged over to Clarity before I could stop her. "Don't worry, your secret's safe with me."
"What secret?" Clarity asked. Her wide eyes shone wet under the lamppost. "It was an accident, a mistake."
"Yeah, I guess that's what some people call it," Libby's giggle was brittle. "Sometimes people try to cover up the truth by calling it a mistake."
"Libby, please, you don't understand," Clarity said.
"Oh, no, I totally get it. Trust me, I get it."
"Enough, Libby," I said.
She brushed her pointer finger across my lips. "Shhh, professor, don't worry about it. As a favor to you, I'll keep your dirty little mistake a secret. You never know when I might need one or the other of you to do me a solid in return."
"That's not how this works—"
"Thank you, Libby," Clarity interrupted. "She's had run-ins with the Honor Council and my father before. She knows what he can be like."
Libby raised a dark eyebrow. "And just imagine what he'd say when it's his own daughter. Don't worry, I'll keep quiet. For now."
She ran off before I could stop her. The vacuum of her interruption left Clarity and I alone on the sidewalk.
Clarity did not meet my eye. She shivered in the cool air and wrapped her arms tighter around her waist. Then she watched as the group of revelers approached. They sang and danced and stumbled their way down the sidewalk, and when they were close enough, we could hear the Landsman College fight song.
She stepped off the sidewalk, her high heels sinking into the grass, and I reached out an arm to steady her. Our eyes clashed, and I felt the worry in her look chill me to the bone.
I didn't care about the rules. To me, the honor code was an administrative safety net that kept the school from lawsuits. What killed me was the thought of overstepping Clarity's personal boundaries.
It didn't matter that she had reciprocated the kiss, that she had wrapped her arms around me and not hesitated either. Any sign of regret would kill me.
Despite the rowdy students on the path, we stared at each other in silence. I felt her probing for my intentions, so I squeezed her arm gently. I had no regrets, only longing for more.
When the cheering crowd faded into the distance, Clarity clutched my sleeve. "I'm so sorry, Ford, I don't want you to get in trouble. I'll tell my father I did it. It was all my fault. A silly schoolgirl crush."
I shook my head. "He won't believe you. You've never done a silly thing in your life. I should have had more self-control."
Clarity shivered again, and this time I insisted she wear my tuxedo jacket. She shrugged into it and started slowly down the sidewalk. Then she stopped and gave me another pained look. "I can't believe Libby would be so quick to tell the Honor Council. Why was she so unreasonable? What did you say to calm her down?"
I resisted the urge to cup her cheek. "If you want to tell the Honor Council, I completely understand, Clarity. I won't keep you from telling the truth."
Her emerald eyes flashed and she started walking again fast. "The truth. The truth is we're two consenting adults, and so what if there's an age difference? None of this would matter if we were on a normal street corner in a real city, not on the suffocating grounds of Landsman."
Sweet relief washed over me, and I had to stop. I caught Clarity's arm again. She swung back to face me, and I took a deep breath. I needed to tell her the truth about Libby. I needed her to know there was a difference between the drunken, foolhardy mistake I had made as an angry first-year professor, and the moment we had just shared.
Clarity stamped her heel against the sidewalk. "I can't stand when people are hypocrites. For a second there, I thought Libby was going to pretend that everyone on campus hasn't heard the rumors about her."
"What rumors?" I choked.
"She seduced some poor sap of a professor when she was a freshman, then bragged all around campus that they were in love. No one ever saw her imaginary boyfriend. No one believes it was anything more than her trying to prove her worth through sex." Clarity spun and walked towards her father's house.
"Don't you feel bad for her?" I asked.
Clarity shook her head. "I feel bad for the professor dumb enough to fall for her cheap seduction. That's where the honor code is important. It's supposed to stop less discerning people from making stupid mistakes."
I reached out but let her keep walking. I had held on to my shame for two years, but I had never gotten angry at myself until that moment. Sure, I was stinging from being discredited as a journalist, and I was self-medicating my frustration with too much alcohol, but I had never heard it wrapped up so succinctly. I had been stupid and fallen for something cheap and meaningless.
Clarity slowed and our steps fell into sync. "You don't think I'm s
tupid and undiscerning, do you?" she asked.
My head was reeling. "I think you're probably a lot smarter than me." It was on the tip of my tongue to confess my terrible mistake, but her sweet smile made me swallow hard. "And I think you shouldn't compromise any of that ever again."
She nodded and looked down to shuffle her feet. "I know. It won't happen again. I understand that I'm just your student and there won't be anything more between us. Besides," she brushed a hand over her nose and sniffed, "the women you date are probably a lot more interesting than me."
I shook my head. "Clarity, I'm not seeing anyone right now. I know men are supposed to juggle half a dozen women a week, but that's not me."
"This isn't me, either. I don't go around lying to security guards and kissing people under campus trees. Can we just blame it on the full moon and forget about it?"
She was right. I couldn't burden her with my confession about Libby. Clarity didn't deserve to have me heaping any more of my problems on her. I needed to reign myself in, get myself under control, like I should have been from the first moment I realized who she was.
It felt good to put myself back on the right path, but as we walked up the front steps and stood on the porch of her father's house, I felt a dull ache. Of course the only woman who made me laugh, made me forget myself for long wonderful moments, had to be completely off-limits.
She handed me back my tuxedo jacket and gave me a brave smile. "Goodnight, Professor Bauer."
"Goodnight," I said. I walked down the steps and felt like I was falling. Clarity could never know how I felt about her, and that realization was a painful, gaping void in my heart.
Chapter Nine
Clarity
Nine was an awkward number to fit around our long, oak dining room table. After shifting each plate setting three times, I settled on my father at the head of the table and four people on either side.
"Where are you going to sit?" he asked, peeking in the door from the kitchen.
"On your right hand side. Don't worry, we won't mistake you for any form of royalty," I joked.
"People are more likely to mistake me for the maid in this apron," my father responded. "Oh, hold on, that's my oven timer!"