by Anna Lewis
I couldn’t stand it any longer, I didn’t want Nancy or any of the others to see me cry, so I pushed my way through the crowd, even past the ones who stood firm like a brick wall not wanting to let me past, and I made my way into the hospital.
I didn’t look at anyone as I ran through the halls, all I needed to do was to lock myself in a bathroom stall while I let all of this out. This truly was a mess, some of it of my own making, yes, but there was no point in worrying about what had or hadn’t happened. I just needed to work out what I was going to do next.
I slammed the door behind me and collapsed to the cold, tiled floor as I finally got the privacy I needed, and while the tears streamed down my cheeks I tried to think of a plan. There was no way I could stay here now, not with all of this going on. It had uprooted everything, and now I needed to change too.
My lungs squeezed together, almost too tight for me to breathe, as an ice cold panic circled my chest. There was no way that I could face coming in here every single day, not now, not knowing how much everyone hated me. I never meant to be so closed off, I just wanted to throw myself into my job. I never would have guessed that it would lead to all this. If I’d known that the path I was on would bring me here, then I would have done everything completely differently, but no amount of wishing for a time machine was going to make that happen.
Especially with Nancy’s words about the man I’d idolized for far too long: he never sticks around. He’s a bang and run type, you know. I didn’t know that, not then. But I did now.
I need to hand in my resignation, I need to get away from here, I need to create my own time machine and a fresh start.
I didn’t move to take action at first, I needed to wait until I was ready to face the outside world again which felt like a time that was very far away. I hadn’t been bullied in high school, but now I had sympathy for all those people that had. Having all those hateful eyes staring at me, with no real explanation for why, was awful. I never wanted to go through it again.
Once everyone was busy, once I knew for sure that everyone was hard at work, I would wait until then to go.
***
Before I could go and speak to anyone–not Dr. Turner, anyone else–about me leaving I needed to tell Edna what was going on. I had promised that I would be back, to explain all of my issues, and that was even more necessary now. I would have to say goodbye with it.
I felt bad, leaving her, but I couldn’t stay. I hoped she understood that.
What the…?
As I walked into her room I was instantly hit by an icy coldness. The bed was empty, the room was clean, it felt really clinical and awful. My heart stopped beating, my brain whirred, the panic tightened even more painfully in my chest.
She’s in another room, she’s in surgery, she’s having a damn bath…
I didn’t even know what I was doing anymore, my brain lit right up with terror. I pushed free from the room and out into the hallway, this time with my head held high. I didn’t care if anyone stared at me now, I needed answers and I needed them now.
“Hey.” I grabbed onto the first auxiliary nurse I could see and held onto his shoulders. “What happened to Edna? Where is the woman from that room?”
His eyes followed where I was pointing. “I…I don’t know,” he sounded scared as he stammered. “I cleaned it up this morning, that’s all I’m sure of.”
“Is she…” A thick emotion swallowed up my words. I couldn’t ask the question that I didn’t want answered. “Find out, go and find out what happened.”
He raced off leaving me alone with the everlasting sadness. As I walked back into Edna’s room, I felt like I already knew the truth. There was none of her essence left, she wasn’t here anymore. I sat in the chair, staring at the bed, recalling everything about her that she’d shared with me. All that time she’d spent opening up to me, and I’d mostly kept to myself.
Maybe Nancy was right about that one thing. Maybe I was too closed off.
I wasn’t sure how long I remained sitting in that position, staring at an empty bed. It could’ve been minutes, or it could’ve been hours, but eventually someone entered the room with a sad smile on her face.
“Miranda?” I hadn’t seen her much since our first day together, but with her face in the room now it was challenging to hold it all together. She reminded me of a time when all I had was hope.
“I’m sorry, Violet. She’s…she passed away in the night.” My eyes filled with tears again, and I nodded stiffly. “It was very peaceful, and she didn’t even know that it was happening.”
“Best way,” I rasped, brushing my face dry. “It’s what she would’ve wanted. And she’s with Hank now.” I was trying my best to convince myself that this was all for the best, but it crushed me inside. “So, yeah. And I guess she isn’t suffering.”
Miranda grabbed me and she pulled me in for a deep bear hug, and I collapsed into her chest letting the sobs run free. She smoothed down my hair, treating me like a weeping child, and it was exactly what I needed in that moment.
“You were good to her,” she assured me. “You made Edna’s last few days bearable. Before you started spending time with her, she was like a broken woman. She had no family, no friends, no visitors. You made her happy.”
It didn’t feel like enough, not now. I needed more time with her to learn everything. Life is too short. Her words had more truth to them now than they ever did. Life is too short to not be with the one that you love. At least she had that love, at least I knew that.
Eventually Miranda had to go back to work, so she left me alone to grieve in the room for a while longer. During that time I alternated between pensive thought and weeping sobs.
“Violet?” It was only when Nancy’s regretful tone burst through my shock barrier that I remembered where I was.
“What do you want?” It wasn’t a time to be bitter, but after what she’d done to me this morning I wasn’t in a good, forgiving frame of mind.
“I just…” I glanced over to her, and watched as she bounced awkwardly from foot to foot. “I wanted to say I’m sorry. What I said this morning, it was out of order. I didn’t realize how truly close you were to Edna, and now I feel terrible. I shouldn’t have called her your cover up.”
“Right.” What did she expect me to say? Did she think I was going to jump into her arms and we’d live happily ever after?
“And…I know it’s none of my business what you do, but I want to be your friend. I thought we were becoming friends.” Her words trailed off, and I knew that I was supposed to say something, but I didn’t. I felt like this wasn’t the time or the place. “I was upset that you didn’t tell me what was happening.” Still, I didn’t respond. I just didn’t have any words left. “And jealous too, I suppose, because you’re doing so well. Everyone is jealous, we all want to be where you are.”
“Hmph.” By this point that was almost a joke. “Okay, Nancy. I will talk to you about this later. Right now, I just want to be alone.” I appreciated her effort, but I was too emotionally drained to deal with any of it. I had to have my space.
“I understand, I just feel like an asshole and I wanted to say that I’m sorry.”
As the door clicked behind her I figured there might be a time that I could forgive her. Maybe. She had been an asshole, but we’d all made mistakes in life.
What that meant for my future though, I still wasn’t sure.
***
Knock, knock.
What the hell was with this day? Why couldn’t I seem to get any time alone? All I’d been begging for all day long was some time to myself, and all I kept getting was an endless stream of fucking visitors.
“Yes?” I called out wearily. “Who’s there?” The door swung open and I was very surprised to see a familiar face that was so handsome that I could barely stand to look at him. “Aron? What are you doing here?”
“I’ve only just heard about Edna, I’m so very sorry.” I nodded slowly, turning back towards the image of an em
pty bed that would be burned into my retinas forever. “I would’ve come earlier, had I known.”
“Okay, well I appreciate it. Thank you.”
He didn’t go like I expected him to, like I wanted him to. I could feel the heat of his body radiating from behind me. He stood there defiantly, even though I’d blown him off twice. I almost wanted to twist around to scream at him, but I couldn’t be bothered.
“I remember when I first lost someone.” He grabbed another chair and pulled it up beside me. “I wasn’t as close to him, like you were to Edna. I should’ve been, probably, he was a very nice young lad.”
“He was young?” The only saving grace in the horror of losing Edna was that she was old, and that she’d had a crazy, exciting life.
“Yeah, late twenties, I’d say. He’d been ill for a while, but his prospects looked good.” He inched closer to me, and I didn’t resist. “When I lost him, it was a real shock. I was out of work for a week, I thought I couldn’t handle it. It seemed to come from nowhere, and that…that was what crushed me. I tried so hard to help him, but nothing I could do was enough.”
“So, how did you come back here? How did you carry on?” I needed to know because right now everything felt hopeless.
“For every person you lose, even if it’s completely out of your control, there are hundreds that you save. To the new people coming into a hospital, it might seem like all the older staff have become cold and jaded, but it isn’t that way at all. They have their walls built up to protect themselves, to stop from falling apart. You have to focus on the positive, it’s the only way.”
He wrapped an arm around me, and although I wanted to push him off, to maintain the distance that I’d forced between us yesterday, afterwards, I didn’t. I fell into his embrace, needing his comfort. His warmth, his smell, it all wrapped me up in heat.
“So, you don’t think I’m too weak then? Too emotional to handle it?”
“Not at all. I think you have more strength than anyone I know.”
After the day I’d had, I felt like the weakest person around. I couldn’t find one iota of strength inside myself, I wasn’t sure that there had ever been anything in there at all.
“Maybe,” I replied thickly. “Maybe it’s time for me to leave.”
We fell into a comfortable silence, during which time I tried to match Nancy’s words to this man. Why would he come in here after we’d slept together, when he really didn’t have to if he was the ‘bang and leave’ type? It was possible that I just needed to see the good in him so my fantasies and subsequent behavior didn’t feel so bad, but with him here next to me, my instincts told me that he was lovely.
“I’m sorry about running out last night.” I decided to test the waters a bit. Surely this would help me see the true him? “And for acting like a bitch. I freaked…it was unexpected.”
“Yes, it was for me too,” he replied wryly. “I’m usually very good at keeping control around people, but with you it’s different.”
“Wh…why?” I couldn’t stop myself, I needed to know it all.
“Violet, you really don’t see yourself, do you?” I twisted my head around to look at him, drinking his serene expression in. “I have always liked you, so very much. Even when you were in my class. Even though you were more than old enough, I knew I couldn’t act on my feelings then. I was in a position of power, and I couldn’t do anything about it. Then you came here, and everything shifted. It was challenging to be around you.
Wait… So all this time, he was feeling exactly the same way about me? I didn’t know how to even begin to process that.
“I tried to behave, to keep my distance, to let you blossom, but the whole time you were constantly on my mind.”
I could barely breathe, how was this possible? Now it felt like every moment that we’d spent apart was a wasted one.
“I told myself to take it slow with you, to treat you in the way that you deserved, but I got carried away. So, I didn’t blame you for walking out of here. There were so many other things that I should’ve done, but I can’t take any of them back now.”
“I shouldn’t have either. I lost control too.”
We looked at each other for a moment, and I felt hundreds of feelings swirling between us. This could be real, it could be the love that no one would approve of. I could almost sense Edna warming my shoulders at the idea. She wanted this for me, and to be honest I needed it for myself too.
It was scary to consider jumping into anything, especially with someone who terrified me with their perfection, but it was exciting too. I didn’t want to turn my back on Aron, just to spend the rest of my life wondering ‘what if’.
“Take me home,” I murmured quietly. “I’m tired now. I need to go home.”
***
As the car pulled up outside my home, I felt so sleepy that I was certain I could sleep forever more, but I also felt incredibly unsettled, like I’d never be comfortable with myself again. It was a strange feeling circling my heart, and I didn’t totally know where it stemmed from.
“What’s going on?” Aron asked as he halted the car and turned to face me with his concerned eyebrows knotted together. “You don’t seem like you’re going to be okay at all.”
“I don’t want to be alone.” I surprised myself as I admitted this. I didn’t realize quite how much it was the truth until I said it aloud. That was it, after all I’d been through I wasn’t sure if I could be trusted by myself, I didn’t know where my brain would take me.
“I can…stay with you, if you like?” His cheeks reddened as he said this which made my heart flutter over and over again. He actually felt unsure about this statement, as if I wouldn’t want him with me.
“You don’t have to do this. I know you aren’t one for relationships. Not that I’m suggesting that’s what this is.” I cringed as my mouth got the better of me, I didn’t mean to sound so desperate and needy. Even though he’d gone some way to dispelling my fears at the hospital, I was still overprotective of my heart. I didn’t want to allow myself to be vulnerable again just to get shattered. I did want him with me, but only as a comfort not for pity.
“Violet, I want to be with you,” he told me calmly. “Maybe this is a little too soon to be having this conversation, but I’ve liked you for a long time. You know as well as I do how rumors get spread around the hospital with absolutely no substance.” Well, that much was true. If there was one thing I’d learned recently, it was that. “I had a serious girlfriend a while back, then I had a fling with another doctor which ended badly. Maybe that’s where my bad reputation came from. To be honest, I don’t really care. People can think what they want about me, it really doesn’t matter. I know the truth. And the truth is, I want you. I have for a very long time.”
I sucked in a deep breath of air, my head spinning with the fact that somehow the worst day of my life was also becoming the one where everything came together. “I want you too.” It felt good to admit that so freely.
He kissed me then, gently and tenderly, holding my cheeks like I was the most precious thing in the world. As his lips moved against mine I felt a hot coil of love creeping through my body. In all the years that I’d spent admiring this man, now he was mine and it felt even better than I had hoped.
“Come on, let’s get you inside.”
Aron walked me up to my apartment, and he tenderly lay me on the bed. Then I watched as he made his way through my drawers until he found some pajamas.
“You’re not going to dress me, are you?” I asked, utterly horrified. I propped myself up onto my elbows as my entire body went cold. How embarrassing would that be?
Aron didn’t answer me, he just gave me another smile. Then he pulled on the bottom of my scrubs sliding them off me. As they went he continued to grin which somehow weirdly relaxed me. My muscles loosened as it became apparent that this wasn’t meant to embarrass me somehow, he was just taking care of me. It might’ve been in a way that I wasn’t used to, but that was okay. This focus w
as kinda nice.
Once my pajama bottoms were on, he slid my top up over my head and I lifted my arms to allow him to do so. His breath tickled my skin, but it wasn’t in a needy way, it just felt lovely. Sweet. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms tightly around him and to hold him next to me forever. As he slowly peeled the material of my clean top over my head, I had to really resist.
“Right, I’ll just get cleaned up, then I’ll be in with you.”
Aron left the room while I curled up under the bed sheets feeling happier than I thought I would. The day had been a real roller coaster; from the rumors, to the public argument with Nancy, from Edna passing away, to making things right with Aron… I didn’t know where my head was at!
The main thing I felt like I needed was to learn a lesson from my friend, and to live by the mantra that life was too short. I needed to let go of panic, of grudges, of fear. I needed to just live.
Aron came back into the room wearing only a tee shirt and some boxer shorts, looking far too gorgeous for words to even describe, and he climbed into bed next to me while wrapping his arms around me. I fell willingly into his embrace. Maybe starting things up with him would only make things worse and it’d set off the rumors all over again, but for now I didn’t feel like running. I felt like sticking things out to see what my future could hold.
Well, Edna, I think I’m doing what you were telling me to do, I thought with a massive smile on my face. I’m taking a chance on a terrifying love. I just hope I get the happy ever after that you did.
Aron held me closer, almost as if he could read my thoughts, and my fingers wrapped around his arms too. I clung to him like he was the only thing centering me to the planet, which was kind of how I felt.