by Marci Fawn
Axel nods thoughtfully. “I do. I’m going to tell you everything, Cherie. I don’t want you to not know anymore. No more secrets. I’ve had some demons in my closet, but I’m starting to deal with them now, I’m starting to become a proper, well rounded person – one that might, one day be good enough for you.”
Is that what he thinks? That he isn’t good enough for me? I’m about to object, but he steps closer and my thoughts vanish into thin air.
He wraps me up in his arms and squeezes me tight like he never wants to let me go again, with our daughter between us. Then, I don’t know who makes the first move, but soon we’re kissing each other as if we’ll never be able to be apart again.
* * *
“What I don’t understand is why you didn’t just tell me!” I whine, louder than I intended to.
Ax has been trying to explain everything to me in a way that I’ll understand, but it’s hard. He told me that he was a bad guy back at home, that he beat people up for a living and one day he went too far because he discovered some child pornography at the home of one of his boss’ clients. That’s when the murder that he did commit occurred.
I gripped his hand tightly as he told me that. It was clearly extremely difficult for him, but he knew that getting it off his chest will bring us closer together – and I really think it will. I understand him more, I get where his life has been and why he’s turned out the way that he has.
And then I found out Ryder was connected to the whole thing. It was all about revenge, all along…
Unfortunately, that was actually the easy part of the conversation. This is the challenging bit. We’re discussing why he left when he did, and why he couldn’t just tell me what he was doing.
“It was Ryder’s rule.” Axel snaps back, tugging on the ends of his hair, clearly frustrated with me.
“Fuck, Ryder, you could have just told me. I wouldn’t have told anyone. I would have acted like I didn’t know.”
We’re both highly strung, really emotional, and trying to work through all of our crap. In the deepest part of my psyche, I’d always imagined that if we were to have a reunion, it would be wonderful, romantic and picture perfect.
But this is real life, and things don’t always work like that…
Luckily Ellie Rose is napping in her bedroom, so we can have this fight in peace. I’d hate for her to see all of this, especially when she’s only just gotten her daddy back. However necessary this is, there’s no way to explain to a toddler.
“Cherie, I didn’t want to put you in danger, I also didn’t want to worry you. This wasn’t easy for me either…”
“At least I didn’t abandon you. At least you knew that I loved you. At least you knew where I was!” I’m yelling now, throwing my hands in the air as I do. I don’t want to be this way, but I can’t help it.
“You don’t think it fucking killed me, being so near to you, but unable to even see you? It was horrendous. I almost took my life down a really negative path again, but I didn’t want to, I wanted to make things better for you, for the both of us.”
“That meant you couldn’t even leave a note? I was broken without you. You tore my heart to shreds.” I know that going over the past might not be helpful at this particular moment, but I also know that it’ll all just fester if we don’t get it out there, in the open.
Some of these things just need to be said.
“Why the hell are we fighting about this, Cherie?” he begs, moving nearer to me, placing his palms on my waist.
“Because, we have to! Because if we don’t get it out now, it’ll just come back to haunt us.” I pout, feeling moody and a little silly, but still carrying on. “I cannot tell you how hard the last few years have been, Ax. There was so many times that I needed you, that I would have given anything to just see you, or even know that you were alive.”
He dips his head closer to mine, resting his forehead on mine. I refuse to make eye contact because I need to say these next, humiliating words out loud, and if he’s looking right at me, then I might not be able to get through it.
“I thought I wasn’t good enough for you, that I wasn’t sexy enough. I thought you left me because you preferred the company of other women. My self-confidence crashed when you went, and it’s taken a very long time for me to rebuild it. I just… I don’t want even the chance of you leaving again. Especially because it isn’t just my heart that you’ll break now. If you’re going to go, I’d rather you do it now before I can fall too deep again.”
He puts a finger under my chin, lifting my eyes to meet his. I’m on the verge of tears, and by the looks of things he is, too.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I never wanted that. I never wanted any of it, I just wanted to keep you out of all of my trash. I thought I was doing the right thing. I had it in my head that if I told you anything, you’d come looking for me…”
“I would have!” I interject, smiling weakly.
“…but you were on my mind, always. The entire time. I didn’t even look at another woman. I couldn’t have, after you. You shook up my entire world and switched everything around. I no longer wanted to be anything other than the right man for you. You are more than good enough for me. You’re a rare beauty, and I would never do anything to mess things up with you again. You’re so gorgeous, that when I’m with you, the entire world shrinks to just me and you. And I would never do anything to hurt Ellie Rose. I know how awful my vanishing would be for her. She might forgive me for doing it once, but I’d never get away with it again.”
Suddenly he looks to the ground, as if he now has something difficult to say.
“That’s why it hurt so much when Ryder told me about you... I thought I’d spent all of this time pining after you, like a fool, and you’d moved on. I thought you were with that scumbag!”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, looking at his clearly hurt face. “It would have crushed me to see you with someone else, too – even if it was only innocent. Ryder looked after us, he dragged me out of a penniless hell and gave me a place to live and put food on the table. I repaid him for every penny by working it off – not in the way that you did – but I wouldn’t have survived if it wasn’t for him. Ellie Rose and I would have been in one hell of a mess. I have a lot to thank him for, but he… he was not a good man.”
“The fucking understatement of the year,” he mumbles, and I let him.
Ryder was a snake. He was sweet to me, because he wanted me. He played his cards, always. After Ax told me more about his dealings, about his brother, I finally understood the hate, the anger and the humiliation he’d gone through at Ryder’s hands.
I place a gentle kiss on his lips, ending the argument in the sweetest way possible.
“There’s no point in saying ‘let’s just focus on the future now’, because chances are the past will rear its ugly head from time to time. How about we just promise each other that we won’t let it tear us apart, and that we’ll always be honest and we’ll always work through our problems together?”
“I like that idea, baby girl.” Axel grins and kisses me once more.
An odd stirring starts to form in my belly, and I instantly recognize it – even if I haven’t felt it for a while. I’m horny, turned on as hell, and I want Axel right here and now.
I trail my fingers down his muscular chest, tracing his abs on the way down, and start to make my way towards the cock that I’ve spent years and years missing…
“Wait!” Ax cries, grabbing my hand and pulling it away. “Not yet.”
A cold sense of shame starts to creep through me, icing up all of my veins. Has he not missed me as much as I’ve missed him?
Ax spots my expression and quickly tries to reassure me.
“It’s not that I don’t want to,” He growls. “I’ve missed the hell out of my dirty girl, but I want to do things right this time. I don’t want a quickie in the front room, with the risk of Ellie Rose waking up at any moment. I want to wine you and dine you, take you out for a date. I want
to make you feel like the most special woman on the planet, because that’s what you deserve. But before all of that, I want to clear the air with your family. I want the path to be clear before we start our journey towards the future.”
Much as I’m disappointed, his words touch me. He really has changed and he wants to prove it to all of us. I’d love to get down to it right now, to make up for all the lost time, but going out on a date and behaving like normal couples… well, that sort of sounds nice, too!
“Okay.” I agree, nodding. “Let’s do it your way then. Let’s go and see Bridgette and Lucas now.”
“Now?” He gasps, mock panicking. “I don’t think I’m ready for her to kill me yet!”
“Tough.” I announce, grabbing his wrist and pulling him towards the door. “If I have to wait too much longer, I might explode from sexual frustration.”
“Dirty girl.” He grins once more, rubbing his nose against mine. “Trust me; the wait will be worth it.”
* * *
“Don’t be mad.” I tell my sister the second we walk through the door.
I’m panicking. My emotions are all over the place because I have no idea how this is going to go. If it took me a while to forgive Ax fully, then it’s going to take my sister years!
Oh God, why am I doing this?
“Mad? I’m goddamn furious!” Bridgette yells at the top of her lungs, briefly looking at Axel before pulling us all inside her house.
“I know that you want to smack me, punch me, yell at me… and I want you to. Believe me; I know that I deserve it. But please, all I ask is that you hear me out first,” Axel manages to get out.
Please. I beg her with my eyes.
“Okay.” Bridgette finally announces after a few agonizing moments. “I will hear you out; only for Cherie, but then I’m gonna kick your ass.”
“I don’t doubt it.” Ax smiles.
I play in the front room with Lucas and the kids, while Bridgette and Axel discuss things in the kitchen. I’m nervous, I know that it can’t be going too well – after all, Bridgette is mad as hell at him – but I also know that they both need this. If they can hash it out, then we can all move forward and have a future.
Like a real life family.
I’m exhilarated, nervous and totally afraid all at once.
“Are you okay, Cherie?” Lucas asks me, picking up on my mood. He’s holding up surprisingly well, given what happened.
“Yeah. I mean, I know it probably seems crazy to you, but I’m so glad that Ax is back.”
Lucas smiles. “I don’t think it’s crazy. I knew you two would end up finding your way back to each other.”
“Like destiny?” I tease.
“Yeah, sure. Why not.”
Lucas might be a serious, calm man, but he’s also a great person to talk to. He’s always been open and honest with me. I really respect him and his opinion, and I’m so glad that he’s with Bridgette. They are perfect together. He fits really well into our little family unit.
“This is just the start of the future now.”
“Yeah.” I smile. “Yes, it is.”
37
Axel
I’m dead nervous. I can’t stop pacing up and down in my apartment. I’m taking Cherie out on a date tonight – our first, real date.
Well… my first real date ever, to be really fucking honest.
I have no idea how it’s going to go, but I’m really hoping for the best. I’ve booked a nice restaurant – nothing too fancy, I know affluence won’t impress Cherie – but nice enough. On top of that, I’m suited and booted, clean shaven and looking smart. This is a little weird for me, but it’s all a part of the new me. I need her to see that I really am a changed man.
The second I found out that Ellie Rose was my daughter; it put everything into a much clearer perspective. This is it, my one shot to make everything right again, to make my family whole. I may have a lot to make up for, but I’m sure that I can do it.
I could spend my time focusing on all that I’ve missed, or I could work towards a bright and positive future for us all. I know what the old me would have done, but that’s not me anymore. I’m not that self-destructive man these days. I’m someone with something to offer the world.
“Hold it together, Axel,” I whisper to myself.
I’ve already discussed our future with Bridgette. I knew that she’d be the hardest to convince, to turn back around to me, but I’ve managed it – which bodes well for all that’s to come. I opened up, I expressed my deep regret and love for her sister and eventually, the ice queen thawed.
She will always have an eye on me, but I don’t mind that. Anyone looking out for Cherie is alright in my books. I can’t exactly complain, she’s already given me more than I deserve.
I make the walk over to Cherie’s apartment, trying to remain cool and confident – at least on the outside. I don’t want her to discover that I’m freaking out. The restaurant isn’t too far from where she lives, so I know that she won’t mind heading there on foot, which is perfect for me. I need the walk and fresh air. Cherie is definitely not a high-maintenance woman, which is just one more thing to love about her.
I knock lightly on her door, hearing the kids screaming inside. I beam to myself at that sound. They’re all so happy! I’m so glad that my daughter has had such a fulfilling life where I’ve been absent. It would have been awful if I’d found her bereft and sad. I just hope that I can add to that, to make things better for her. I don’t need to make her whole, but I hope that I can be a positive addition to her life.
“Come in!” I hear Cherie calling.
She sounds a little stressed, like she’s rushing round, not quite ready yet. I shake a little at the thought of what she might be wearing, already feeling desire for her.
I tentatively push the door open a crack.
“Mama!” Ellie Rose comes crawling over to me, throwing her arms around my legs.
“Not really mama,” I laugh as I pick her up and boop her nose. “But we’ll teach you what I am soon enough. Can you say daddy?”
I’m so glad that we’re already in a good place. She could have been shy or unsure of me, but she isn’t. I’m sure there will come a time in the future where she’ll have all sorts of questions for me, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
“All good, Axel?” Bridgette asks me knowingly. She knows this night is huge for me, and she knows that I want to get everything right. She can probably sense me freaking out.
“Yeah.” I nod. “I’m… good. Happy!”
“One minute!” Cherie shouts from the other room.
“The kids haven’t given her a second to get dressed. Do you want a drink while you wait? Beer?”
“Do you have any soft drinks?”
She eyes me suspiciously, but hands a soda over.
“No Dutch courage?”
“No, I’m good, thanks.” I don’t want to drink before going on this date. I need my mind to remain crystal clear.
I chat and laugh with Lucas for a few moments, just waiting for Cherie with my daughter in my arms. I can’t help but feel right – this is exactly where I need to be. This is where I should have been all along. Not that I’m bitter about that, at least this is where I am now.
“I’m here.” Cherie races into the front room, looking wound up and little disheveled… yet somehow drop dead stunning.
“Wow.” I drink in her appearance. Her long, blonde, wavy hair dangles down her back in its natural style and her face is free of makeup. She’s completely natural, which is just how I want her. She doesn’t need anything to intensify her beauty. I’m really glad that she’s remained herself. I want my dirty girl tonight.
She’s wearing a light blue summer dress, which hugs her every curve in the best possible way and hangs loosely from her hips. I can see a glimpse of her cleavage, but it’s nowhere near enough to be slutty. The dress matches and brightens her stunning blue eyes, making it impossible for me not to stare into them.
>
She has nude colored high heels on, really making the outfit. They cause her to stand confidently tall. She’s natural, graceful and elegant all at the same time. I’m already turned on, just looking at her. But tonight isn’t about sex, it’s about love.
I pass Ellie Rose to my sister in law, kissing her on the cheek. The little girl grins at me, and my heart soars. I’m a father. And I’ll be the best fucking dad Ellie Rose could wish for.
“You look nice, Ax.” Cherie smiles.
I cannot believe that I haven’t even complimented her yet; I’ve just stood here staring at her like a fool.
“You’re breathtaking, Cherie,” I manage to get out.
“Weren’t you about to leave?” Bridgette nudges me.
Cherie and I burst into laughter. “I guess that’s our hint to go!” I announce as we’re ushered out of the door.
“Have fun!” Lucas and Bridge yell after us.
We laugh and talk as we wander along, but there’s a gnawing fear inside of me that slowly starts to take over. I become increasingly quiet because of this.
“Are you okay?” Cherie finally asks.
“Yeah… yeah, sorry I know I’m being quiet. I’m just a little blown away by you.”
“Me, too,” She replies. “But I’m happy that you’re here.”
“I’m sorry that I wasn’t always…”
“Let’s just forget the past.” She jumps in. “Start from now. A fresh new start.”
“I like that plan,” I grin brightly at her. “A new future, a do-over. And on that note, here we are.” I wave my arm towards the restaurant, ready for our night to begin.
We walk in and take our seats, both starting to really relax around each other. I forget my nervousness and simply concentrate on Cherie. It’s so nice to hear her melodic voice once more, to see her expression when she gets excited and the way that she pulls on the end of her hair when she’s listening intently. She’s real, she’s really here and I will not fuck this up again.