by Jude Sierra
“God,” Milo puts his forehead against Andrew’s.
“I’ll go anywhere you want,” Andrew promises.
“No.” Milo pulls back and Andrew’s eyes are chocolate in the lack of sun. He starts to laugh.
“What?”
“I can’t believe I forgot to tell you.” Milo takes a breath. “I applied for a job at the Cape Preservation and Development Foundation when I wasn’t sure what would happen with Mom. I wanted to tell you; that’s why I came looking for you.”
“Because you were thinking about it?”
“Yeah, I was. But god, right now, I’m not just thinking about it.”
“Why, why would you chose this place when everything—”
“This is where your heart beats happiest,” Milo whispers. They’re nose to nose, hands clasped still. “And where yours does, mine does too. You’re teaching me to love this place like it’s new, and I want that, with you.”
epilogue
“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!” Margo turns in his arms and chants repeatedly until Andrew has to turn away from his conversation with Milo.
“What, what, what?” Andrew says. Margo’s eyes brighten at the teasing tone.
“Don’t be sassy,” she says in a prim and dead-on imitation of his voice. Next to him Milo cracks up.
“You were saying?” Milo reminds her. He tugs at one of her pigtails that’s falling apart from rubbing against her wool scarf. She turns toward the water, wiggling her butt more firmly on Andrew’s lap, and points to the horizon. To the west, the sun is finishing its inexorable slide into night, and to the east the sky is plum to lilac and magnolia pink.
“That’s Venus. They told us in school.” She points at the faintest twinkle of a star just beginning to prick through.
Andrew takes her little hand, cold from the October wind on the beach, and kisses it. “I think that one is Venus, honey.” He extends both their hands and points in the right direction, where it’s bright and big and low in the sky.
“Connor!” Milo calls out, “Uh-uh, not by the water.”
Connor turns to shoot them a smile over his shoulder. “No.” He says it clearly, and very firmly. Andrew hides a smile behind Margo’s shoulder. Connor’s fair hair catches in the breeze and Andrew knows his cheeks are pink from the sun he caught earlier that day. Connor squeals and runs away from the waves when they wash over his toes. He giggles and runs back in, but Andrew’s not really worried. The water is too cold for him to go in too far. His toes might suffer, though.
“Hey, mister, you listen to your father,” he calls out, perhaps not as seriously as he should.
“Nope,” Connor says, popping the ‘p’ sound and laughing. Milo sighs when Andrew tries to hold back a laugh. Milo groans when he stands, but he’s smiling too.
“You have no defenses against his cuteness,” Milo calls over his shoulder.
Margo looks back at him over her shoulder and nods knowingly, as if she’s in this with them. She’s only six, but in many ways she is. Connor is a hysterical little handful, a complete contrast to Margo’s serious and quiet nature.
Andrew kisses her cheek and hugs her close. By the shoreline he catches the low tones of Milo’s voice as he catches up to Connor and laughs, scooping him out of the water. With the light fading, they’re little more than silhouettes. The night sighs and lets go of the sun. Water droplets arc from Connor’s feet when Milo scoops him up. He shrieks with laughter when Milo holds him close and tickles his neck with kisses, and the image and sound are an indelible stamp in Andrew’s chest. Margo turns and tucks her face into Andrew’s neck for warmth. Her nose is cold and she’s putting one of his legs to sleep. Her sweet, trusting weight and the heat of her body alone keep him warm.
It’s one of those perfect moments, a snapshot he’ll always remember, even when every other detail from this night may be lost. Andrew will carry it tucked with so many more: the look on Milo’s face when Andrew proposed on a star-filled night in their tiny fort; the palest blue of the sky above him and the beautiful indigo of Milo’s eyes when he laid Andrew down on a blanket in the sand and, between kisses, finally, finally told Andrew he was ready for children. Ted toasting them at a bonfire a few nights before Margo came into the world. Connor, too, early and tiny in Milo’s cupped palms.
Milo carries Connor up the sand, cradled in his arms, and turns him upside down to make him laugh harder before depositing him on the blanket.
“Bud, you have to listen to your fathers,” Milo says seriously, drying his little feet.
“Why?” Connor asks.
“Because we don’t want you to lose your toes,” Andrew says, pushing wisps of Margo’s long red hair away where the wind tosses it across his face.
“Why?”
Milo bites back a smile and kisses the top of Connor’s head. For all of the fear Milo harbored that he would damage any children they would have, Andrew is constantly moved by how beautifully Milo loves their children. “Because you need them.”
Connor spreads out his toes and looks at them with the seriousness of a three-year-old trying to solve a puzzle. Finally he looks up at them. “Why?”
On his lap Margo giggles. “Because he loves you, silly,” she says. “Remember, he loves your heart and your fingers and toes. He loves you to infinity—”
Andrew chimes in with her with the phrase they use at bedtime, when they tuck them into their rooms under glowing stars in the shapes of Andrew’s invented constellations—each child with their own, and one for Milo on both ceilings: “He loves you more, the most, and always, always, always.”
Acknowledgments
None of this would be possible without my Interlude Press family who work tirelessly to put these books together and get them out into the world. Above and beyond that, thank you so much to Annie for patience, gentle guidance and for constantly reminding me to believe in myself. To Candy for helping me learn to look forward and ignore what’s in the rear-view mirror. To Lex, who introduced me to Cheyenne Jackson’s Xanadu performance at the Tony Awards, made me laugh on bad days, and who couldn’t wait to show me what he wanted for this one. I wish you could have seen this part.
Thanks to Cameron Salisbury and Nicki Harper for making my story shine; Kelby Harrison at USC for research help; Choi Messer who designed this book and the talented artist behind the beautiful cover, Nelli I.
Finally, from the deepest corners of my heart to Georgie, Riah, Heidi, Erin and April for believing in this book, cheering me on, lifting me up, and when needed, pushing me to get this story out. As always to my beautiful family for putting up with my artistic temperament and tendency to hole up in an office with imaginary characters who make me cry.
About the Author
Jude Sierra began her writing career at the age of eight when she immortalized her summer vacation with ten entries in a row that read “pool+tv.” She first began writing poetry as a child in her home country of Brazil, and is still a student of the form.
As a sucker for happy endings and well-written emotional arcs and characters, Jude is an unapologetic bookaholic. She finds bookstores and libraries unbearably sexy and, to her husband’s dismay, is attempting to create her own in their living room. She is a writer of many things that hope to find their way out of the sanctuary of her hard drive and many that have found a home in the fanfiction community.
Jude is currently working on her Master of Arts in Writing and Rhetoric and managing a home filled with her two cats, husband and two young sons. Her first novel, Hush, was published in 2015 by Interlude Press. Visit Judesierra.com for more.
Questions for Discussion
Milo and Andrew share a special connection with the fort they built. Explain how what it meant to each of them changed over time.
Both parts of the story begin with Milo arriving in Santuit. Both arrivals signify important events in his life. Explain how they are similar and how they are different.
Andrew becomes accustomed to being the person who puts “broken M
ilo back together”. How could that be a problem in a long-term relationship for the two men?
Milo’s dad’s behavior had far-reaching effects in Santuit as well as in both Andrew and Milo’s lives. How did the town’s complicity in the abuse affect Milo’s willingness to be there?
If Andrew hadn’t waited two weeks to report Milo’s dad in the first chapter, how would the story been different? What turning points did it create for the boys?
Several decisions led to Milo and Andrew losing contact for seven years. Trace the decisions that prevented them from declaring their love from the time Andrew came out until their ultimate separation after the bonfire.
Andrew and Milo react very differently to being in college. How does each man’s choices affect their ability to stay friends, or connect on a deeper level than friendship?
Coming out was a very different experience for each boy, despite coming out to each other first. Who had the easier time with coming out and why?
Milo has to deal with both physical and psychological abuse from his father. Which one affects him more in the long run? Which one is harder to overcome? Why do you think that is true?
Describe the process it took for Milo to heal and be ready to commit to Andrew. Why did it take so long for the two men to truly be together?
Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Questions for Discussion
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