by M. Sembera
Glancing me over, he said, "Um..." before I fluffed, "Oh, if you have plans or something..."
Closing his eyes for a minute, he took a breath. He was acting strange and I couldn't quite place his expression.
We stood at my table for a moment before the awkwardness made me uncomfortable enough to start putting the feel better items Jackson brought me away.
As I opened my pantry, Jackson said, "I thought you wanted to be left alone."
With a light sigh, I replied, "Yea."
Pushing my pantry door closed, he slid in front of me, asking, "But now you don't?"
Shrugging, I avoided eye contact, saying, "Not if you wanna maybe stay for a little while."
Reaching out to place his hands on my shoulders, Jackson shook his head and placed his arms at his sides and leaned against the pantry door.
"I didn't want to leave you alone but you pushed me away and now you're standing here in nothing but a robe and you're telling me you want me to stay. Ren, I can't just stop by and hang out with you. I made you promises that you're refusing to let me keep. We're supposed to me married, together, happy and right now, I don't know what we are."
How could I tell him I wasn't ready yet? I'd already married him. He had given me close to twenty years to get myself together and I felt greedy asking for more time.
Sticking my hands in the front pockets of my robe, I asked, "Can't we just be Ren and Jacks for a minute?"
Jackson gave a heavy sigh and shook his head.
Taking a step back, I looked down at my kitchen floor.
"Talk to me damn it. Don't just stare at the floor acting like you don't know what to say," he fussed.
Closing my eyes, I remained silent.
"Okay," he said, giving up.
Catching his arm as he turned to walk away, I breathed, "Wait."
"For what?" he questioned, looking down at he.
On the verge of tears, I answered, "For me."
Pulling me to his chest, Jackson wrapped his arms around me.
"I miss you, baby," he softly shared.
The smell and feel of Jackson being so close washed over me.
With the warmth of Jackson holding me spreading through my chest, a sense of urgency grew and I needed him. Pressing myself into him while pulling the back of his shirt tight against him, I felt him kiss the side of my head. Pushing up on my tip toes, I shifted allowing him to kiss the corner of my eye before he kissed my cheek. Relaxing my arms enough to tilt my head back, I was completely enveloped the second his lips met mine.
What the hell was happening? It felt different than before. Being with him was passionate and loving but never like this. Every nerve in my body was suddenly lighting up like I was freezing and burning all at the same time. Overcome by the moment, I started to feel panicked as if he would stop and I would die right there.
Rocking back on my heels, I slid my hands to the back of his neck, jerking him forward and breaking our kiss as I practically growled, "I want you."
Jackson paused for a moment.
In the time it took to blink, my robe was on the floor and his clothes were coming off as we stumbled out of the kitchen. Every extra step seemed to be a waste of time and I feared the moment would be lost if we took too long. I kicked his leg out from underneath him and attacked him as we tumbled to the ground.
~
Once my crazed demand for him had been satisfied, Jackson carried me to the bed. I could feel his heart still racing as I laid close tracing the lines of the wren perched on top of the Celtic heart tattoo on the left side of his chest.
"Are you okay?" I whispered.
Nuzzling into my neck, he brushed his lips against my skin, saying, "I may never recover."
Letting out a little laugh, I admitted, "I guess I was a bit aggressive."
Laughing into my shoulder, Jacks teased, "Aggressive? Woman, you put it on me."
As we laughed together and snuggled even closer, I started to think, taking that step made a big difference.
It wasn't just having the courage to take a bath it was seeing Henley for who he really was and for the first time no longer blaming myself or having guilt for the years with him. I had reclaimed a piece of myself from him and apparently that part of me had a serious thing for Jackson. Thinking how wonderful things could be with Jackson in every aspect of our relationship, if I let it all go, I knew what I needed to do.
Sliding away as I sat up, I kissed Jackson and smiled.
Scooting up next to me, he whispered, "Don't go," wrapping his arms around me.
Taking a breath, I started by saying, "I'm taking the steps with Charlotte."
Smiling, Jackson nodded at me.
"No, I mean not just so I won't be a hypocrite. So I won't be like I am," I shared.
Reaching up, Jacks softly ran his finger down my cheek, assuring, "That's a good thing."
Nodding, I agreed before explaining, "I still have a ways to go and I think I have a pretty good handle on things but...a... Look, I know you have waited a really long time for us. I need just a little bit longer."
Scowling at me, he asked, "What do you mean?"
"I can't do it with you here," I replied before taking his hand and saying, "I love you and I miss you like crazy but if you're here then I can't just go through things. I'll be worried about what I'm doing and how it's affecting you."
"Why can't I help?" he asked.
With a heavy sigh, I shared, "Because I don't need help. I need to do it and I need you to just be patient and be there for me."
Jackson glanced down and then off to the side. I knew this wasn't how he wanted things to go.
Taking his face in my hands, I offered, "I know it's a lot to ask. I want us to be together and I want our everything to be the way it's supposed to be."
"Are we together, now?" he questioned.
Slowly nodding, I leaned forward and brushed my lips against his, whispering, "I'm yours."
Pulling me to his chest, Jackson said, "I'll do anything for you," before swearing, "I love you with all my heart."
Closing my eyes, I relaxed against him.
25
Utterly Betrayed
No matter how delighted I was on my road to recovery, I wished Jackson had stayed the night instead of leaving after dinner. I hadn't realized how much I missed being around him. Thinking, since it was getting close to four o'clock, I could invite Jackson over for dinner and sex. I made myself laugh, imagining the reaction I would get from him if I picked up the phone and asked for exactly that.
Heading into my kitchen to find something to cook for dinner before I made the invite, I heard a knock at my front door. Tingles spread down my arms when I thought it might be Jacks. Skipping to the door, I quickly opened it. I wasn't as excited as if it had been Jackson, but I smiled anyway and let Charlotte in.
Watching her breeze past me with an 'um-hmm' expression on her face, I shut the door and wondered what was going on.
"How did you get here?" I asked.
Taking the liberty of seating herself on my couch, she replied, "Amila's car," then rolled her eyes, saying, "I had permission."
Raising an eyebrow at her, I teased, "Awe, did you miss me?"
With a huff, Charlotte griped, "Are we done because I made my bed?"
My tolerance for her attitude was wearing thin as I stated, "No, I had some things come up."
"Oh, I thought you were sick," she snapped.
Sitting down on the couch, I pursed my lips at her and fussed, "What's with the attitude?"
Crossing her arms and her legs at the same time, Charlotte replied, "I figured you would want to know I followed your routine."
Taking a deep breath, I softened my expression.
Charlotte was proud of herself and I wasn't there. I knew she made her bed and hugged Amila but I was a little too wrapped up in my own problems to realize I should have at least called Charlotte and talked to her.
"I came up with another step. Would you like to get st
arted on it," I offered.
Narrowing her eyes at me before giving me a slight smirk as she mumbled, "I guess."
"Okay, I'll bring the spiral Tuesday when I come over but we can get a head start," I said.
She grimaced, shrugging a shoulder at me.
Folding my legs in front of myself on the couch, I carefully thought about what I was going to say.
"Recently, I sorta figured out there is a way to let go of things," I informed.
Interested, she asked, "Let go of what?"
"I think that certain relationships, keep you from fully moving on and I would like you to make a list."
Giving me a blank stare, she asked, "Of like old boyfriends?"
Shrugging, I answered, "If you are holding on to harmful memories or situations from them."
Looking at me like I was ridiculous, she asked, "Seriously?"
"Well, I thought maybe it would be..." before she cut in, saying, "This is because I've had sex isn't it?"
"I know you said you started very young and that William was the only one that's ever been nice to you," I started to explain.
Shaking her head at me, Charlotte laughed, "You think because they weren't like William they treated me bad?"
Staring at her, I did think that.
"None of the others were sweet or considerate but why ask for flowers and candy when all you really want is some..."
"Whoa!" I blurted, holding my hands out to her.
With a heavy sigh and an eye flutter, she griped, "Like you never got a thrill out of knowing you can get a guy to unravel under you."
Staring at her, I was a bit in awe of her statement.
It was disturbing that at seventeen she had that kind of mindset but it was bold and she was being very honest.
"That's your control isn't it?" I asked.
Making a face, she repeated, "Control?"
Nodding, I shared, "It's something you can control."
Relaxing her expression, Charlotte just sat there.
"Okay look, sex is not a self-help tool so here's the deal. No sex at all under any circumstances," I stressed.
With a horrified look on her face she questioned, "Even when I turn eighteen?"
Gasping, I fussed, "Gawh, Charlotte, at least and then not unless you're in a committed relationship or here's a crazy thought, wait until you're married." Then trying to explain why, because she didn't seem to get it, I informed, "There are so many risks. Aside from the fact that is psychologically unhealthy, there's diseases and pregnancy. You know even if you use something there's always a risk of pregnancy. Nothing is one hundred percent."
Scoffing at me, she said, "You don't know do you?"
"Know what?" I asked.
Frowning, she glanced away, pouting, "Whatever. Fine, no sex."
"Charlotte," I said before she snapped, "I said okay."
Not wanting to push her, I could tell whatever I didn't know was a serious issue. Making a mental note to go back to that part of our conversation at some point, I dropped it.
We sat in silence for a moment before a knock on my front door startled us both.
As I stood up, I assured, "Oh and don't think for a second I didn't catch on to what you were doing. You didn't side track me. You're still making a list."
Appearing as though she wanted to smile, Charlotte made a face and stuck her tongue out at me instead. Laughing and shaking my head at her, I opened my front door.
I couldn't believe my eyes when I opened the door and Sophia was standing there. With tears in her eyes she instantly grabbed ahold of me, hugging me tight. A wave of relief washed over me as I hugged her back.
"Mama, I'm so sorry," she cried, saying, "I'm sorry I yelled at you and for everything I said. Please forgive me."
Pulling out of our hug, I placed my hands on the sides of her face, assuring, "I love you more than anything, there's nothing to forgive."
Nodding in my hands, she sniffled, "I shouldn't have..." before I stopped her, saying, "Honey, it's okay."
Pulling her into another hug, I was so happy she didn't hate me.
Finally moving out of the doorway, I turned back to the couch. Charlotte was staring at us.
"What are you doing here?" Sophia snapped, catching sight of her before turning to me asking, "Why is she here?"
"Sophia!" I blurted at her.
Charlotte stood up, adjusted the bottom of her shirt and glared directly at Sophia. Holding her head high, she didn't say a word and walked right out of the front door.
"That was really rude," I fussed at her.
Sophia looked at me in disbelief as she asked, "Was Auggie right? Are you picking her over their family?"
Mirroring her look, I said, "One doesn't have anything to do with the other."
"But William..." she started before I stopped her, saying, "Is a little hurt but he'll be alright. Charlotte needs help."
Pouting, Sophia crossed her arms, asking, "Why do you have to help her?"
"I don't have to, I want to," I replied.
"So what wrong with her?" she questioned.
Giving her a stern expression, I stated, "None of your business, Sophia."
Flopping down on the couch, Sophia mumbled, "As long as she's not going to be hanging around all the time and coming to family functions."
Growing frustrated with her, I said, "I doubt she will but if she is here, this is my house and I like to think I raised you better than to act like that."
My statement seemed to rekindle her original purpose for being here.
Scooting to the edge of the couch, she reached her arms out for another hug. Sitting down next to her, I gave her a hug.
Both of us were teary eyed as we let go and I tucked a few strands of her hair behind her ear, saying, "Honey, I'm so sorry you felt like I lied to you your whole life. But really, Hert was there from the day you were born. He is your dad."
Holding both my hands, Sophia said, "I know mama. I shouldn't have acted the way I did."
Smiling at her, I assured, "It's okay, really, honey, I understand."
"I feel terrible mama. If I had given you a real chance to explain..." she trailed off, starting to cry.
Suddenly suspicious, I asked, "What do you mean?"
Wiping her eyes, Sophia sniffled, "I didn't know any of it."
"Any of what?" I questioned.
Placing her hand on her chest, she shared, "I always thought that you never talked about my grandparents because you were sad that they died. Then what that man did to you, how he treated you," before sighing as she said, "Mama, thank you for giving me a better life than you had."
Slowly nodding my mouth felt watery as I asked, "How did you find out?"
Tilting her head to the side, she smiled softly, explaining, "Uncle Jacks stopped by earlier and told me everything."
Swallowing hard, I tried not to cry, saying, "Oh, yea?"
"It was really hard to believe. You don't seem like... I called dad and he was kinda weird about it but confirmed everything Uncle Jacks said."
Mortified, all I could say was, "Okay."
Sophia hugged me tight.
The rest of her visit was mostly spent telling me how wonderful being married to Ailin was. She had redecorated their apartment and wanted me to come for dinner. I agreed to come on Thursday and did my best to be cheery with everything she shared. I was relieved she still loved me and I made sure to tell her several times before she left that I was happy for her.
~
Lying in bed, I felt exhausted but I couldn't sleep. I was so hurt by Jackson going behind my back and telling Sophia the things he knew I wanted to keep from her. Whether she needed to know to forgive me or not, it was my private life that he shared. It wasn't up to him to decide what she knew about me and my past. That was my call, not his. I couldn't help but feel utterly betrayed.
26
Not What it was Supposed to Be
A numbness fell over me as I drove to work. Not as much hurt and betrayed as the nigh
t before, I was more resolved over the situation. I couldn't be that mad at Jackson, he hadn't changed much over the years. From the beginning he wanted to save me. No matter how much I assured him, it wasn't what I wanted or needed, he didn't listen. I was his lost little wren hated for being myself and applauded for my cunning but never really loved. He was my heart. Together we would have had everything. If he was truly my partner, but we were not in this together. Going behind my back and telling Sophia was just as bad as me going to Ignacio for assistance instead of him. I wanted to work things out with Sophia on my terms and in my own way, but he could not leave well enough alone. With the best intentions, we both betrayed each other. As difficult as it was for me to understand how a real relationship works, I knew ours wasn't what it was supposed to be and we were both responsible for that.
~
Sitting at my desk, I was sad my time was almost up. I loved my job and I was really going to miss it. Sorting through documents and getting them ready to file, I cherished each one. This was the first and only job I ever had. I was going to miss my desk and the hum of my computer when I flipped it on each morning. The sound of papers shuffling, and the tapping of keys, that filled my days.
In the middle of my sentimental appreciation of my surroundings, Marabeth walked passed my desk to Jackson's office door. When she turned the knob and walked in, without even knocking, I started to feel agitated but when she closed the door behind herself, I found that unacceptable. Scooping the files off of my desk, I stood up and marched into Jackson's office, leaving the door open.
Pretending to ignore them both, I stood at the cabinets slowly placing files inside, listening.
Marabeth's voice had a hint of secrecy to it as she said, "I'm sure it's in here. I know I had it on the couch. It must have fallen out when we moved to your desk."
I felt like I was punched in the chest when Jackson replied, "Are you sure? Did you check to see if it fell into the cushions?"
Marabeth let out a quiet giggle and I slammed the file drawer closed.
As I walked out of his office, Jackson asked, "Ren, you okay?"
Without turning to look at him, I said, "Yep," and continued out of his office and back to my desk.