by Pratibha Ray
I was taken aback. How would Phalguni know what I wanted? He was not a woman. How would he understand that every instant I sought his company.
The silent voice of my hurt pride was perhaps sensed by Phalguni. Softly he said, "From the point of view of honouring the vow, not to desire you for two years does not mean that I am an impassive ascetic or eunuch. On such a quiet night, if I indulge in intimate conversation with you, it will be breaking my vow. Who will know this better than me! Forgive me, Krishnaa, we will discuss this tomorrow. There will be time in the afternoon. Then, in the very presence of sakha, we shall discuss this. If sakha is beside us, there will be no anxiety about breaking the vow either."
Like an unperturbed man, he left spuming my plea. Not even once did he turn back to know my reaction.
Once I thought of sending a message through Maya that I was extremely unwell. But would that be proper? The Kauravs would take it otherwise. And even if Yudhishthir did arrive would it cool the burning of this insult? Rather, immediately on seeing him my anger would flare up. This night of festivities would be filled with thorns. Yudhishthir in the joy of victory had neglected his wife. He was winning. In the self-satisfaction of winning, the sorrow of anyone's else's defeat could not touch him.
I was restless and the message arrived for joining him in the hall in the joy of his first victory. I was helpless. In such matters the husband's request had to be complied with otherwise Yudhishthir would be demeaned before the Kauravs. With great difficulty, I got ready. Taking Maya along I arrived in the hall. Yudhishthir noticed neither my illness nor my depression. Full of joy he said, "Yajnaseni, without you there is no joy in being victorious. Come, sit down! For the first time in my life I am winning at dice. Without you, how will I be able to enjoy this pleasure?"
Enthusiastically Bhim said, "After winning Draupadi, the Pandavs will win in everything. This is clearly proved in the dice-game Therefore, this victory is Draupadi's."
Duryodhan was burning with anger having been defeated. At that very moment Bhim reminded him of his ultimate defeat in life. Duryodhan threw a burning glance at me. It seemed as though in that gaze were flames of desire, embers of revenge, and the fire of horrible lust.
Duhshasan was aflame with intolerance. Laughing out loud, he said, "Because of the supremacy of the chastity of Devi Draupadi, wife of five husbands, the flood of victory will sweep the Pandavs into the womb of the ocean."
I felt more distressed. It is not wise to sing to the defeated enemy songs of one's own victory. This increases enmity, not decreases it. Immediately on seeing me, the Kauravs had spontaneously erupted in lust and were burning in the ignominy of defeat. Then what was the benefit in irritating them further?
I thought my presence here was not desirable. It would be proper for me to return. Somehow Krishna understood my secret thoughts and said, "Yudhishthir, Krishnaa has worked hard and looks tired. Give her permission to rest." Yudhishthir concentrated all his attention on throwing the dice. Without raising his head he said, "Then Yajnaseni may leave."
Like an automaton I returned. Tears, though suppressed, would flow. These tears were not the molten form of agony, not born of the pain of insult, nor emerging from physical weariness. They had sprung from helplessness, and loneliness. The woman who was mocked at every step for being loved by five husbands — how lonely she was, how friendless! Who would understand that?
It was not possible to sleep. It was stifling in the room. Taking Maya along I went to the terrace. In the open air and in the moonlight, the sky full of stars might perhaps share my pain. Standing in a corner, I was seeking some solace from the vast sky. I saw on the roof of the guest house a tall, well-formed, strong shadowy form appearing restless, anxious, at times looking towards the sky and stopping as though asking questions. Who was it? Guest Karna? Why was he restless, impatient? Did he have any problem?
The sounds of joy were floating up from the hall. Yudhishthir was winning again. The shadowy form was seeking from the sky answers to the questions of life. On the roof of Mother's palace yet another sad shadowy form was fixedly staring at the roof of the guest house. Repeatedly, the dim outline of the shadow was shuddering with deep sighs. Who was it? Mother Kunti? The eldest son Yudhishthir was winning, but in what secret agony had she lost her sleep?
Forgetting my own pain and sorrow, I lost myself in Mother's pain and secret sorrow. Kunti, mother of five heroes — her secret pain would be deeper than my pain. This was what I thought to myself.
I thought, removing the mother-in-law's sorrow was the duty of the bahu of the family. But from whom would I ask the cause of Mother's sorrow? Who would tell me? I decided that if an opportunity arose, I would, with folded hands, ask her. Mingling my tears with Mother's, I would reduce her sorrow.
16
Despite the body being unwell, the mind can stil remain well, but if the mind is sick the body cannot remain healthy. I lay sick for several days in bed. Yudhishthir remained content handing over the responsibility of my treatment to the royal physician. He had considerable faith in the royal physician. But I had lost faith in myself. I was sceptical — with five husbands and insulted by the Kauravs all through life, would I be able to lead a healthy life?
I was constantly thinking about my five husbands. Now I realised that no one can ever satisfy everyone. For maintaining order in our joint life the rules that I had made had perhaps given me some advantages but they had pained others. Every night, before going to Yudhishthir's bed-chamber after dinner and after completing all the work, when I would go to wish them good night, Sahadev would be fast asleep like an innocent child. Nakul would be in the pleasure-chamber, lost in music and dance. He was rather too engrossed these days in the dance of dancing girls. And Arjun would be seen engrossed in studying scriptures in the library. During his study of the scriptures and practising weapon-craft none would go before him so that his concentration would not be dibturbed. These were his clear directives. He would deliberately keep himself engaged in some task of this sort till late at night. Perhaps, by not giving me the chance to bid good night he was assuaging his heart's resentment.
But Bhim would be waiting for my arrival. The moment he heard my footsteps outside the door he would say as if issuing a command, "Panchali, enter within! I am extremely unwell. I cannot get up from bed and go to the door."
Without entering from the other side of the door I would reply, "Why do you usually fall ill late at night, as I notice?"
"Because of you."
"Because of me?"
"Certainly. You serve such food that every day after dinner I become inert. You know that I am rather fond of food. Now it is for you to tackle the situation." Bhim would be restless. He would groan as if in pain. He would ask for water to drink and some digestive. I would be compelled to enter and try to remove the discomfort. Bhim would say, "Panchali, for a full year you will not be my wife. But there is no bar to your being sister and mother. I am unwell. You ought to adopt the role of mother and sister. You cannot leave till I fall asleep."
Bhim was hinting at massaging his feet. This might alleviate his pain. Sleep too might come quickly. Thinking thus, I would sit down to take care of him. Sometimes it would be day-break and yet Bhim's pain would not subside, sleep would not come properly. The whole night I would be devoted to serving him. I would think "Yudhishthir will be waiting. He will be getting annoyed." But I could not openly tell Bhim anything. Silently I would massage Bhim's feet. To irritate me he would keep narrating accounts of his love and dalliance with Hidimba. At times showing pity he would say, "Yes, now you may go, Panchali. Yudhishthir will be waiting. It was not my intention to trouble you. Therefore, tomorrow I shall go away to Hidimba who will know of my heart's condition better than you. At her slightest touch, sleep closes the eyes. At your touch, instead of sleep coming, if it is anywhere near, it goes far away. Hidimba is a rakshasi but as a wife she is superior to you."
Bhim wanted to hurt me, but I would not protest. I had got used to his ba
rbs. Quietly I would return to Yudhishthir's chamber. Perhaps now, asserting the authority of a normal husband, he might be somewhat angry. It might be that he would even be agitated and furious. Anyone would react thus. But there would be no sign of Yudhishthir waiting for me. Like a sense-controlled hermit he would adopt a detached attitude and in an unperturbed voice say, "So Bhim finally went to sleep? I have heard that every night after dinner he feels unwell. Keep watch over his eating and drinking, Yajnaseni. On seeing good food, he completely forgets what is healthy and what is not. Exercise control over him. It is Bhim's strength that is the treasure of the Pandavs. If he remains continually unwell then it is on me that the danger will fall. As the eldest brother, it is I who have to take care of everyone."
I looked at Yudhishthir with a deep, penetrating gaze. That he was anxiously waiting for me all night — even this he would not acknowledge! For, if he did so, would he not be diminished in the eyes of his wife? Therefore, in a roundabout way he wished to convey that he was not pleased with Bhim's ill health. He felt anxious, insecure and dissatisfied. In every matter displaying such generosity, Yudhishthir would never be able to express his inner thoughts before me. In case my faith in him was shaken, he felt hesitant even to say, "Give me food", even if he was hungry. My heart would soften with pity to see such hesitation in a husband greedy for fame. In a mild, sweet tone I would say, "Because of Bhim's ill health, I have neglected my duty towards you. I am sorry. But if Bhim keeps feeling unwell at a particular time every day, what am I to do?"
Immediately Yudhishthir would respond, "That does not trouble me in the least. But if you remain without sleep every night, engaged in his service, then you will fall ill. Therefore, do not bother too much about this childish behaviour of Bhim. He will become all right by himself soon. That a responsible warrior like him should become ill because of over-eating is not good."
I laughed to myself. That Yudhishthir did not like this deliberate illness on Bhim's part, I understood. And that Bhim detained me without cause, making a pretence, was not hidden from me either. Neither was Yudhishthir's annoyance. Yet, leaving one husband in a state of ill health, in pain, how could I enjoy with another husband?
I would think of means to escape from this danger — if Bhim should go for some days to Hidimba, I would bear that. Besides this, I could see no other resolution of this dilemma.
Even if the irritation of Bhim's tantrums could be borne, the cold indifference of Phalguni was beyond tolerance. I felt as if every nerve in my body were snapping. Secretly I would wish — like Bhim, why doesn't Phalguni make me suffer? Put me in difficulty? I would feel as though I were being swept far away from Phalguni on the swift current of hurt pride.
I fell ill after the following event.
Those days on the excuse of practising weapon-craft, Phalguni would go far into the jungle. At times he would return long after sunset. After returning, he would engage himself in the evening worship. He would eat lightly at night and then again get engrossed in studying in the library. Or, discussions would begin with sakha Krishna on the scriptures.
At times Phalguni would come so late from the jungle that I would grow anxious. Sakha Krishna would understand the state of my mind. Reassuring me he would say, "Sakhi, you are insulting my dear sakha!" I would keep gazing at him with questioning eyes. Laughing, sakha would say, "What can my sakha not do alone in the forest? Tigers, bears, serpents and other savage creatures he can render powerless. If you knew this, you would not be so anxious. It seems you have no confidence in my sakha’s prowess and skill in arms. Is this not insulting Phalguni? You are his wife, yet you entertain such thoughts about him! If he gets to know of this, he will curse his deeds. So, do not worry about Phalguni."
Listening to sakha's reassurance, I would try to console myself. That day when Phalguni returned, he was covered with blood and wounded. No one knew how this had happened. The attendants who had accompanied him related that on that day somehow Phalguni was unmindful and in that state was riding a spirited horse from Panchal. The horse sped away with him into the forest. After a long time the horse was seen racing back by itself. The attendants wore out themselves searching for the master. Finally they found him lying unconscious below a hill and brought him back in a wounded condition. From his very birth Phalguni had been obsessed with the desire to be the hero of romantic adventures. Perhaps to get rid of idleness and depression, he had become careless while gazing at the beauty of that forested area from the back of that fiery spirited horse. Taking advantage of that, the horse had slipped out of his control and so he was thrown off and got hurt.
There was no time to think of how this had happened. I got busy in treating and nursing him. The royal physician inspected him immediately and said, "Considerable blood has been lost but there is no danger. He will regain consciousness soon. But he needs complete rest for two full weeks. Nursing will be more effective than medicines."
Laughing, sakha Krishna said, "Now I understand why, despite there being so many horses in the stables of Indraprasth, he invited danger by choosing the unruly Panchal steed. Otherwise how will the company of lovely young Krishnaa be available! Gentlemanly, polite and restrained, Phalguni is unable like undisciplined Bhim to exact forcibly service, company and sympathy from Krishnaa."
Despite every word of sakha's being full of gentle mockery, there was no end to my sorrow and depression. I was thinking, "What is the real reason for Phalguni doing such a reckless thing? To get my company or take revenge on me?"
I was seated near Phalguni's feet. Mother was seated by his head. Phalguni was regaining consciousness. The moment he opened his eyes, they fell on me. My eyes filled with tears. Mother was present, so I controlled myself. After opening his eyes once, Phalguni closed them again. The next moment, looking up at Mother he smiled and said, "Over such a slight matter you get so worried! The loss of blood is nothing new for me."
Kunti did not reply. She only kept running her fingers through his hair. Her eyes were tearful. Mother left to prepare food for Phalguni telling me, "Keep rubbing the soles of his feet gently." I, too, wanted precisely this. Gently, with all the tenderness of my heart, I began rubbing those blue-lotus like feet. That is when sakha Krishna mockingly said, "Sakha, I hope my presence is not creating any hindrance to your rest?"
Phalguni opened his eyes, "Sakha, where you are absent there is no rest. Therefore, without you, is there any joy in relaxing?"
Laughing, sakha said, "Even if I am not present, Krishnaa is there after all. For getting Krishnaa's nursing and company the most worldly-wise of men will not think twice before falling ill. Are you sure that you have not fallen off the horse to achieve this state out of that greed?"
I was overwhelmed with shame and grief. Phalguni became grave. In a stern voice he said, "Sakha, blood has ever been shed for every dispute in the world. It is necessary to shed some blood to destroy the demonic."
Like an innocent child sakha looked at Phalguni and said, "What are you saying? Which demon? What dispute?"
Looking at him steadily, Phalguni continued, "It is man's desire and lust that are the wicked demon. And the dispute is between the mind and the conscience. When the desire demon grows strong, then one loses control of oneself. Lust swallows up conscience. That is precisely when, on blood being shed from the head, the demon admits defeat."
Sakha Krishna asked, "About whom are you talking?"
"About myself, about man, about the lust of man. Sakha, do you think that I am not a man? That I am a stone?..." Phalguni appeared very excited and stopped in mid-speech.
Sakha laughed just as before. I kept quiet. But my mind rebelled. I wished to ask, "Phalguni, why this play-acting? Is this what I wanted?" But Phalguni was unwell. It was not right to excite him. I kept smouldering within.
In a calm voice Krishna said, "Sakha! You are the finest warrior of Aryavart. You are wise, pure in conduct, and conscientious. Therefore, it is for you that fate has created this test. On passing it, you will be able to bec
ome the ruler of all Aryavart. What sort of man is he who cannot conquer his own senses? Desire and lust will remain in man. But they must remain within the boundaries fixed by man.; It is through the union of man and woman that creation is ever new, ever beautiful. Then, should the union of man and woman occur irrespective of place, time, person? Man is a slave of pleasure. But through dedicated vows, worship, meditation, the tongue does not slip out of control despite tasty dishes lying before it. However learned and knowledgeable one might be, if the mind is not controlled by the conscience then that learning and knowledge will destroy the world. Phalguni, you have been born for the welfare of the world. Therefore, you are my dear sakha too. Does the battle with lust and desire within befit you?"
An inimitable splendour of scorn bloomed on Phalguni's lips. Pouring sarcasm on Krishna he said, "Sakha, right from childhood and teenage till now I can see clearly before my eyes your fame, all your deeds. Besides the eight chief queens in Dvaraka, you have thousands of concubines. Slaying Narakasur, providing them refuge with all honour, you have provided them status in society. And here you are advising me about mind, conscience and self-Control. After waiting for four years, a single year of married life will be mine. Have you ever thought how these four years will pass?"
Laughing, sakha said, "Krishnaa is your chief queen. Other than her you, too, can have a thousand concubines. But remember, even in this self-control is needed. He who is not enslaved by lust despite living in the midst of lovely young women — it is he who in the midst of so many women with a healthy and calm heart, forgetting his own concerns, can muse on the sakha's words. Despite being in the water, the lotus leaf is not wet. That is how I am. Do you not know this? You are speaking to me in this fashion before dear sakhi Krishnaa! What will she think? It is her thoughts which are to be feared, for she is a poet, and she is emotional. Considering my philandering as truth if she writes of it in poetry, what will be my state? Will I be able to hold my head high in this world?" Phalguni laughed and said, "Let us ask her! It is you who occupy all the pages in her book. I have read them all. For, every poem of hers gives me pleasure. Will you listen?"