by Pratibha Ray
Krishna laughed, "Sakha, in your body, if each separate part is healthy, free of illness, powerful and skilled in weapon-craft, yet with the help of one or two limbs you cannot become a master of archery. Without the integrated application of the entire body — thought, awareness, sight, hearing, hands, fingers, palms — even an arrow cannot be shot. Without establishing harmony among all the senses and limbs a man cannot even pluck a flower from a tree. Similarly, despite all areas of a kingdom being developed, in the absence of unity and harmony, the future of the country will be shrouded in deep darkness. Every area of a kingdom might be developed, but if it splits into parts, then the sun of its independence sets in the horizon. When civil war breaks out, external enemies get full scope to conquer the country. If the five Pandavs unite they can conquer the whole world. But if they split their defeat is as clear as daylight. Without Arjun and Bhim the heroism of the Pandavs will remain a matter of mockery just as without Yudhishthir or Sahadev the country will be deprived of knowledge of right and wrong and the foresight essential for governance. Of this, there is no doubt. My chief duty is establishment of dharma and national unity in Aryavart. My vow will be accomplished by the efforts of the Pandavs. Therefore, in your life there is no place for inertia and idleness."
Sakha's goal was most noble. But for accomplishing that goal the Pandavs would have to fight injustice, adharma and untruth all through life. Who knows victory would be whose? Suddenly I shivered with the apprehension of something inauspicious. I thought: "Why is all of Hastinapur necessary for us? Happiness, joy, prosperity are not wanting in Indraprasth. Voluntarily citizens of Hastinapur are leaving their ancestral homes to live in Indraprasth, drawn by the justice and good governance of the Pandavs. Let the Kauravs remain in Hastinapur. What is that to us? By fighting others and destroying peace in our own lives what will we gain? Surely sakha is not deliberately pushing the Pandavs towards conflict?"
Ma Kunti said sakha Krishna was able to plumb the heart's secrets. I had no doubt regarding the truth of Mother's words. Truly, Krishna knew my mind. He looked at me penetratingly, "Sakhi! However much you might be educated, sometimes you become self-centred like an ordinary woman. Therefore, the idea of using the Pandavs to accomplish my goal did not please you. But, only think, lakhs of men and women, birds and animals, insects and worms are born and die every moment. The aim of everyone's death is one, but the goal of everyone's birth is not the same. Some are born to live for themselves, some are born for the sake of the oppressed, the poor, the fallen. He who lives for himself invites death. He who lives for the world, despite dying does not fall into the clutches of death. These are the two types of lives in the world. Just understand that the Kauravs and the Pandavs have come into the world with two types of lives. You are the inspiration of the Pandavs. You are Yajnaseni. Why is there any hesitation within you regarding revolution, conflict and sacrifice?"
Out of sheer shame I flushed red. Truly, sakha Krishna was a great problem. How he got to know everything in one's mind! Who knew when one might take a false step before him?
Phalguni was lost in thought. With bowed head I was cursing myself — "Chheeh! Why such selfishness in me? An ordinary man belongs to his wife, parents, family. But the hero belongs to the country, the people, the society and the world. My five husbands are all heroes. Then how shall I keep them bound for my happiness only?"
Suddenly a smothered hiss escaped sakha's lips. Suddenly I saw sakha's lotus-petal-like fingers were tinged with blood.
Concerned, I leaned towards sakha. Phalguni came up from where he was sitting and asked, "What happened? How did you have this cut?"
With a smile Krishna said, "It is the wound left by the Sudarsan chakra. Sometimes it reminds me that without bloodying my own life I cannot save the world from bloodshed. Look, that innocent tribal boy would have just been dead. At the right moment Sudarshan did its work. Killing the savage tiger, it is coming back. I released it too swiftly and it touched a finger. Blood spurted out. Anyhow, the child is safe."
How petty we are before the nobility of Krishna! I was thinking, "Sakha's heart is ever agitated in the cause of the oppressed, the fallen, the injured. He is engaged in sweet conversation with us, yet he is able to see the danger facing that boy so far away! We can see nothing!"
The wound was clearly visible on Krishna's finger. It had not stopped bleeding. Phalguni worriedly said, "Krishnaa! Catch hold of sakha's wound tightly so that it stops bleeding. I am getting some medicine", and he disappeared among the vines and leaves. I kept hold of sakha's finger tightly. With his eyes shut, Krishna said in a soft voice, "Krishnaa! If I had known that the touch of affection was so sweet and cool, then I would have cut my finger testing the edge of Sudarshan everyday!"
I was not amused with this jest. The bleeding did not stop. Rather, it increased. I did not know what to do. Quickly I tore a strip off my sari's anchal and tied a bandage on the wound. On hearing the sound of the tearing, Maya arrived running, I did not know from where, "Maharani! What is this that you have done? Such a costly sari torn! Phalguni is coming anyway. The blood would have stopped after applying medicine."
I got annoyed at Maya's words. "Chheeh, Maya! You love Krishna so much: in case anyone disturbs him you stand as a barrier in-between. You were his dear attendant. And today, after becoming my companion, such attachment to a petty sari! Compared to a single drop of human blood, the valuable things of the world are of no conisequence. Moreover, this is not the blood of any ordinary person. It is Shri Krishna's blood, the blood of the noblest human being in the world. I tore the sari — and because of this petty matter you talk like this! What is so great about it?"
With a wicked smile Maya said, "Maharani, just as Shri Krishna's blood is not that of an ordinary man, similarly this sari of yours is not an ordinary sari. Of course, for Indraprasth's queen a sari is nothing of importance. But this sari is the symbol of your happiness, safety and honour. On the day the assembly hall of Indraprasth was inaugurated, the five husbands had presented it to you. Wearing this sari you had sat with Maharaj Yudhishthir at the fire-altar and had been anointed in the assembly hall on the throne. This sari is supposed to be kept in safe custody. Saris worn on auspicious occasions are not to be torn up or burnt or even given away as a gift to anyone. Yet, without weighing the matter up you tore it with your own hands and by tying a strip around Krishna's finger even gifted it to him. I hope it is not an inauspicious omen for the future?"
Maya's words awakened in me the foreboding natural to any ordinary woman. But the very next moment I controlled myself. Smiling I said, "Maya, from childhood till now he who has at every step helped in the security, happiness, prosperity and welfare of my husbands — if any valuable thing be sacrificed for him, then it will only be auspicious. I need not have any fear. If anything ill results from this, then I cannot believe that while he is there I shall be in danger. Therefore, if anything ill should occur, it is he who will take care of it. Why do you break your head over this?"
Laughing, Maya said, "I feel that no one other than a friend's wife can make such a sacrifice. Even Rukmini and Satyabhama would not tear the sari worn by them on a sacred occasion for a mere drop of blood. Now bound in the affection of a friend's wife, Shri Krishna has forgotten even the city of Dvaraka and his wives."
Maya's wicked joke! I felt like laughing. Carefully tending with affection Krishna's delicate hand I shivered. Oh! How fortunate was I today!
I did not even notice when Phalguni arrived with medicines. I had lost myself. I was blessed having found an occasion to provide the meanest service to Krishna, the best of all men. I remembered nothing when I took Krishna's hand, touched my head with it, expressed my heart's gratitude, thanks and good wishes. Phalguni was laughing and saying, "Sakha! is it not your duty to save some affection and good wishes for this unfortunate? Is it not unjust to pour out all good wishes into Krishnaa's anchal?"
Laughing, Krishna said, "I am sorry, sakha! Unnecessarily you took pains for me. Not on
ly has the bleeding stopped by sakhi's affectionate touch, but even the sign of the wound has disappeared. I cannot take off this bandage. The sweet scent of sakhi's affection is coming from it. You know so well that pure love, the heart's affection — it is these that are the nectar of immortality. Then what will medicines do?"
The medicines in Phalguni's hand fell to the ground. My torn anchal was fluttering in the breeze. Krishna, keeping the bandaged hand on his breast, was looking at Phalguni with loving eyes and smiling. He whispered, "Sakha! What is the need of flowers? You know I am mad about perfume. If any flower blooms in any comer of the world and its fragrance is offered to me, I readily accept it. Perfume is pure. The fragrance of memories remains alive in the depths of the mind. And the memory of this day will keep my entire life fragrant. It will keep flooding me with limitless bliss. Some day this debt of Krishnaa's shall have to be repaid. Therefore, do not be jealous of my memories."
18
If sakha was not around loneliness became oppressive. Not only I, but Arjun too felt this.
Krishna returned to Dvaraka. Normal life continued in Indraprasth, but the absence of Krishna was making Arjun lonely and was frustrating me.
The celebration of completing a year of life with Yudhishthir would take place a week later. I would lose patience with Bhim's enthusiasm at times which would throw me into difficulties. Arjun was immersed in the pursuit of both weapons and scriptures. I was counting the days. The day of uniting with Arjun was drawing near. A year and a week later I would be able to begin life together with the hero who won me. Then I would make him understand that in household life too there was need of control and rules. It was observing that rule that this year-long agreement had taken place. I was confident that once I got close to him there would no more be any hurt, misunderstanding and anger between us. He would be able to touch my soul and I would be able to lose myself in his soul.
How long drawn-out were the moments of waiting! Till then I had been engrossed in waiting for the day of uniting with Arjun, as though forgetting myself in a dream. Each one of my five husbands except Arjun had more than one wife. Therefore, his entire love was my due. None woud have a share in it. It was this that was the supreme desire of every woman. Therefore, it was natural that my attraction for Arjun was somewhat greater.
It was as I was counting the days for union with Arjun that all my dreams were shattered by Arjun himself.
That day Yudhishthir had called for me. Leaving the task of pressing Mother's feet, I went to Yudhishthir. He was resting. There was but a week left in completing the year-long term with him as husband and wife. Therefore, Yudhishthir would not let me be far off even for a moment. He would say, "Krishnaa, you are the source of my inspiration. If you are with me, I am the lord of dharma and if you are at a distance I fear that perhaps I may slip from the path of dharma. It is not the attraction of your body that is important to me. Important is your practise of dharma, your pure thoughts. I wish you could remain mine, only mine..."
Yudhishthir grew grave hearing his own words, "Now that the time of separating from you is drawing near, see how an improper thought flashed into my mind! Truly, we five brothers have one mind, one life. You are Yajnaseni. Unification and the establishment of dharma are the aims for which you have been born. How can you remain just mine?"
Yudhishthir was lying on the bed in the resting room. Placing his feet in my lap I was gently pressing them. I was profoundly aware of the good fortune of having the opportunity of serving him thus.
Suddenly Phalguni burst into the room like a gust of wind. He was looking extremely frustrated. With lowered head he went ahead, picked up the weapons lying in a comer and dashed out. He did not lift up his eyes either to me or to Yudhishthir.
I was filled with embarrassment. Before I could even arrange my dress, Phalguni had disappeared.
In a detached tone Yudhishthir said, "It seems weapons became necessary all of a sudden. However, with arms in hand Phalguni will be able to manage any situation."
Not only Phalguni, all five Pandavs were altruists. Luxury, dress, happiness, wealth were not at all essential for them. Despite being rulers, they shared the sorrows of the poor and the sorrowful, the oppressed and the fallen. It was for this reason that they had been able to conquer the hearts of the subjects. I wondered what danger had come upon the subjects suddenly! Phalguni would have gone to rid them of that peril. To leap even into fire for that was the quality of Phalguni!
While massaging Yudhishthir's feet I was praising Phalguni and pouring out the respect and honour in which I held him. Just then Maya gave the news, "Phalguni is waiting outside. He wishes to have an audience with Yudhishthir."
Yudhishthir came out. Behind him, I. The curtain was rising before my eyes on yet another gooseflesh-raising scene. Phalguni was standing in the guise of a brahmachari. Surrounding him stood the other Pandavs and Mother Kunti.
Surprised, Yudhishthir said, "What is the matter? Why is Arjun in this garb?" With folded palms Arjun said, "Permit me to leave, brother! I have deliberately broken the rule. When Krishnaa is with her husband, should any other Pandav enter that room, he shall have to undergo exile in the forest as a celibate for twelve years. This was the decision arrived at in the presence of Maharshi Narad. It is for the sake of discipline and law that we have made such conditions. Today it is in conformity with those conditions that I am proceeding on twelve years of exile in the forest. With a happy heart, bid me goodbye."
Yudhishthir was pained. I was absolutely stunned. Who had imagined that the conditions that had been laid down for the happiness and peace of conjugal life would ultimately fill my life with so much unhappiness and disturbance? And then it had to be Phalguni who would break the rule and go into exile! I stood there with a broken heart. I could see no way out.
In a voice heavy with sadness Yudhishthir said, "Arjun, you have not committed any mistake. Surely you were forced to enter our rest-room because of some nobler cause. Neither of us took exception to this. Moreover, there is nothing improper if a younger brother enters the room while the elder brother is talking to his wife. Therefore, there is no need for exile."
"Phalguni had gone to get back a Brahmin's cow stolen by some thief and fell into this danger!" Bhim said, mocking Arjun's naivete.
I was thinking: "Why did Arjun really do this? If the Brahman had made this request to him, he could have requested Bhim too. To catch the thief and get the cow back was hardly a difficult job for Bhim! And if he had compelled Phalguni to do it, could he not find weapons anywhere in the entire kingdom except by entering our private chamber without permission? And if those weapons were absolutely indispensable, he could have given advance notice. Maya was waiting outside the room. Through her he could have taken our prior permission. Why did he not do so?"
After these thoughts I became quite sure that Phalguni was deliberately taking revenge on me. A year later the time would have come for uniting with him. And now! He was voluntarily adopting a twelve-year exile. Yudhishthir was trying to stop him, but he would not listen.
Phalguni appeared somewhat angry at Yudhishthir's words. Accusingly he said, "You yourself keep saying that breaking rules is a grave offence. And it is you who are asking me to commit an offence!" Calmly Yudhishthir said, "After all, it is for helping a Brahmin that you entered my room. There is no offence in breaking a rule for doing good to others."
Demolishing Yudhishthir's argument Phalguni said, "To do wrong for right, walking on the path of sin to earn merit, to break rules for doing good to others — all are sins in a way. Therefore, I do not wish to incur sin. Forgive me. I shall have to go into exile."
Phalguni took leave dressed as a celibate brahmin. Everyone was praising him. Because of his dedication to the vow, flowers were being sprinkled on him. Ramchandra had gone to the forest for keeping his father's vow, but his wife and his younger brother were with him. Now Phalguni was going into the forest for having broken a vow. Alone! By going into exile he was acquiring nobilit
y and he would earn fame. I, too, could follow him like Sita and alleviate his sufferings and sorrow. Alone with Phalguni in the midst of nature's beauty I could forget the burden of life. Could I not go into the forest with him? If I went my fame, too, would increase. Happiness would increase. If sati Sita could follow the path of her husband, how was it difficult for me?
I too became a sannyasini; took off the eight types of jewellery and put on ornaments of flowers, wore white clothing, left my hair open and put bunches of forest flowers in the free tresses. Phalguni would come to take leave of me. Then I would convince him of the logic of taking me with him. How would he be able to leave without me?
Ramchandra had taken Sita with him. I was recalling the arguments Sita had put forward and weighing the consequences.
Maya was astonished to see me in this dress. She said, "Maharani! Living in the palace of Indraprasth in this dress!"
Laughing I replied, "Maya! This is not the dress of the royal palace but of the leaf-hut. I have decided to roam the forests with Phalguni. Will you accompany me?"
Maya said jokingly, "Maharani! How many forest-dwelling ascetics will leave all their penance seeing you in this dress? First of all Phalguni himself will end up breaking the twelve-year long vow of celibacy. Is that what you want?"
In my heart of hearts I wished Maya's words had become true and Phalguni's twelve-year vow was broken. For all the days that he had suffered in separation from me I would, for an equal length of time, give him happiness with heart and soul and make my own life blessed too. Why should a guiltless hero like Phalguni suffer such a stern sentence?
Phalguni arrived. He stood before my door too. But from the outside he said, "Krishnaa, farewell! We will meet again after twelve years. If you are ever in danger, send word to sakha. If you keep trust in him, danger will never come near you."