by Pratibha Ray
In Kara's voice was a childlike hurt. Spontaneously I said, "I am sorry for what happened that day. Sometimes out of ignorance a person inflicts hurt on another even though it is not deliberate. Man is the slave of circumstance."
Taking the words out of my mouth Karna said, "I too was a slave of circumstance. But only till the day of that svayamvar. Then I vowed to become the master of the situation. Man controls circumstance by the force of his prowess and his effort. He can alter it. I want to show this to the world. It was because of you that I made this vow. Therefore, I salute you."
I sensed that now in karna's voice mockery for me and arrogance in his own prowess were reflected. So as not to allow the matter to progress further, I said, "I am grateful for your help today. I will tell Mother about your assistance and sympathy."
Karna laughed, "Today I truly performed the duty of a charioteer's son. Who but a charioteer's son would leave hunting aside and bring you to the palace in a chariot?"
Repeating that same refrain again and again Karna mocked me. What a deep wound had the hurt of that day made in his heart! But what alternative did I have?
Ignoring Karna's lovely piercing gaze, full of hurt, sad, then with sharp sarcasm stabbing through the heart, I said, "In another sense I am your enemy. Still, you saved my life. This favour cannot be forgotten. I shall remain indebted for ever."
Karna's companion, Asmita, smiled, "It is said that strategy is strengthened by keeping the enemy alive, not by killing him. Who knows what is the intention behind the act of Karna?"
Suddenly my heart trembled with forehoding. I knew how terrible the desire for revenge in an arrogant man was. But who knew that getting out of water one would have to fall into fire?
20
I heard that Krishna had arrived. Krishna's arrival was like the blooming of a flower in the garden. When a flower blooms its fragrance spreads. Even without seeing the flower it becomes obvious that it has bloomed. The essence of a flower is its fragrance. The desire to have the flower near one does not arise in the mind. For what is the difference even if the flower is far away ? After all, the fragrance reaches you, perfumes your mind and heart.
For me the news of the arrival of Krishna was enough. Even without laying my eyes on him I could feel his presence. Even with eyes shut he was visible spontaneously.
That day after returning from the water-sport I had fallen ill. Bathing at an odd hour in the river, the mental shock of being rescued from drowning, Duhshasan's mocking words, and then that day's conversation with Karna — perhaps these had left me somewhat depressed. More than the body, it was the mind that had suffered pain. Who had time to notice that? Who had the strength?
The moment I heard of Krishna's arrival, half my illness disappeared. My mind grew restless. Why had he come? His sakha was not here. After knowing that, he had not set foot here even once after that day. What was the cause of this sudden visit? The next moment my heart was oppressed with anxiety. Surely Krishna had not brought some news of Arjun! Was it good news or bad? I could not think much. I busied myself preparing for Krishna's welcome.
Maya had made all the arrangements for Krishna's stay in the guest house. He was resting there. Through Maya he had sent word that he would like to meet me in the evening. He had said that he had particular business with me.
With a smile Maya said, "Hearing the news that you are sad in the absence of Arjun, Krishna has rushed here leaving Dvaraka. Who but Shri Krishna has the power to remove the sorrow of Krishnaa suffering from the pangs of Arjun's absence? The whole world knows of the profound intimacy of Shri Krishna and Arjun. Without offering it to Shri Krishna, Arjun does not even smell the perfume of a flower. Even the air he breathes in is offered much before to Shri Krishna."
I understood Maya's hint, but Krishna had remembered to remove Krishnaa's sadness rather late. A year was left for Arjun to return. The torment of separation no longer existed. I was engrossed in dreams of my husband's return. On his arrival, I would bind him in such bonds of love that he would never again enact the drama of remaining far away from me. So that he would never even recall Ulupi, Chitrangada or Arya. After returning to Indraprasth, Arjun would be only Krishnaa's. I could not bear the thought of any other woman remaining in his mind, at least while living in Indraprasth Palace.
I thought of Krishna more than I thought of Arjun in these eleven years. For I knew that Arjun would not return for twelve years. But on having Krishna near me it would feel like having Arjun with me. Therefore, during the separation from Arjun it was Krishna whom I kept remembering. But I never summoned him, never called for him. I was afraid that during his stay here Arjun might need him and that Maya could create some obstacle to the information reaching Krishna.
But Krishna had arrived on his own! First Arjun's welfare would have to be ascertained.
Maya understood my secret thoughts. She said, "Krishna has come with good news about Arjun. Now Arjun is a guest in Dvaraka. After accepting hospitality there for a year he will then return to Indraprasth."
The news gladdened my heart and mind. If Arjun was in Dvaraka, what worry could there be? The question was, if Arjun was in Dvaraka what was Krishna doing here? Despite weakness and being unwell, I went to the kitchen and prepared food for the noble guest, Krishna. Having lit the evening lamp I was but pranam-ing it when I saw Krishna standing before me. Touching his blue-lotus-like feet I saluted him. But my hands would not move from there. Hypnotised I remained for long in the attitude of pranam. Through my hands it was as though I poured out my consciousness, thoughts, mind, heart, soul and my entire affection on to those feet. I did not remain mine own any more. Within me no sorrow, happiness, hope, despair, dreams, fantasy remained. I was becoming oblivious of my own entity. Moment by moment I was rising upwards. I did not know how high I was swimming up. In the meanwhile, Maya spoilt it all. She made me get up saying, "Arjun and Krishna's feet are identical. That is why even Rukmini and Satyabhama get misled sometimes."
Ashamed, I got up, secretly annoyed with Maya.
With a slight smile Krishna enquired, "Are you all right?"
Sighing with hurt pride, with tearful eyes I said, "Doesn't sakha know?"
In a voice full of sympathy Krishna said, "I notice that thinking of Arjun all the time you have become like a stick."
Eagerly I enquired, "How is he? Is he all right?"
Warmly Krishna responded, "Sakha, too, thinking of you, has become like this. But I have made arrangements so that he does not suffer the pains of living in the forest. He is now in Dvaraka. After a Year the vow will be fulfilled. Successful, he will return to you."
Silently I was thanking Krishna. Still I could not understand what necessity had drawn him to Indraprasth leaving his sakha in Dvaraka.
Noticing my worried appearance Krishna began to speak, "Sakhi, eleven years of sakha's forest life are over. Still you never summoned me. So, I have come in person to meet you. Otherwise, what will sakha say on returning? That in his absence I did not even come once to look after you. Will you forgive me?"
I was thinking, "Have you come only to look after me?"
Looking at me with deep affection, Krishna went on, "Your responsibilities have increased. Is the responsibility of the five Pandavs a small matter? Who is there to help you? I feel that you need a trustworthy companion who will assume responsibility of your joys and sorrows, share your chores. What do you think?"
Full of gratitude I said, "You think about me so much. That is enough. Maya is near me. I do not need anyone else."
Laughing, Krishna said, "Maya is your attendant. She is as wicked as she is good. At times she casts one into a great predicament. I am searching for a proper friend for you. You will see that many of your chores she will take upon herself. She will remain with you like a shadow. What do you say?"
Seeing Krishna's concern for me I was overwhelmed. In a choked voice I said, "Who will mind getting a friend? Why shall I object if such a friend can be found? You have seen my miserliness in
making friends. During this period I have made friends only with karna's wife, Rituvati, and Guru Drona's second wife, Harita. Their husbands are in the opposite camp but that has not affected our friendship."
Warmly Krishna responded, "Krishnaa, this is your generosity. You possess the art of making any person your own. I too am bound in the bonds of your friendship. There is no way of getting loose. The wish to do so is not there either. Therefore, leaving sakha in Dvaraka I have come here. Tomorrow morning I have to return."
An incomparable gush of bliss wiped out the sense of emptiness in the heart. A stream of pure love flooded the heart. This flood was aching to flow out through the eyes. I lowered my gaze.
Now I was, in a sense, free. This year was for me a year of renunciation. For, this was the year of living with Arjun. I was spending the nights alone. The whole sentient world was asleep, but with me sleep acted like a miser. I came out of the bedroom. I needed fresh air.
But what was this? A faint light in Arjun's bedroom! Had Arjun followed his sakha here? This was not impossible for Arjun who lived for Krishna. For the sake of Krishna, Arjun could even break his vow.
Late at night Arjun had come to meet Krishna. Perhaps before sunrise he would return. Would it be proper to go to him at this time? After so many years in the face of the desire to meet my husband once, the considerations of propriety were losing force. He might not see me, for on seeing me his vow of twelve years of celibacy would be broken. But what was the problem if I, remaining hidden, went to see him? What was the necessity to tell anyone that Arjun had come?
Quietly I rose and with soundless steps advanced towards Arjun's bedroom. Before me was the magical moonlight. Everything was lovely, enchanting, dreamy. Someone was coming towards Arjun's bedroom in this magic moonlight. Who was this enchantress? What work did she have in Arjun's bedroom so late at night?
We came face to face. I asked, "Maya! What work do you have with Arjun so late at night?"
Maya broke into laughter and spoke, "As you see Arjun everywhere, similarly I see Krishna everywhere. Where he is, there I am. What is there to be surprised at in this?" Laughing, Maya went away. Perhaps Maya was going to Krishna with the news of Arjun's arrival or in the meantime Krishna had reached Arjun.
I stood silently near the window and saw Arjun lying on the bed, relaxed. Moonlight had covered his entire well-formed body. On his blue body the light looked like an ointment. Gently I went up to the door. From the partly open door the perfume within was wafting out on the veranda. The entire fragrance of the garden gathered by the night breeze was being poured out near Arjun's bed. Would Phalguni ever understand that for eleven long years all the flowers of the garden had been longing for him?
Silently I kept standing by Arjun's door. I was not concerned whether anyone could see me. Had Arjun not gone into exile, this would have been my turn to live with him. So, what was there to be afraid of?
Gradually, from within the room the fragrance of Krishna was emanating. It was overwhelming my consciousness. In all the nerver-centres a wondrous heavenly pulsation was awakening. Krishna was lying on Arjun's bed. For so long, thinking Krishna himself to be Arjun, I had kept standing as a lover at the entrance! If Krishna's sleep broke, what would he think?
I was turning my feet to return, but they would not move. Even if I stood for eternity near Krishna's bed, they would not tire. I repeatedly acknowledged defeat before this amazing power of attraction of Krishna. Spontaneously I became one with him. The soul became free from the cage of the body, The mind wished it could renounce this body and become bodiless and lose itself in love of Krishna. Past, present and future all disappeared.
I kept standing as I was. I did not know for how long. The chirping of the morning birds would wake up Krishna! Now I must go back. I was turning back. Krishna was waking up. In a sweet, soft voice he spoke, "Sakhi! You remained standing like this all night! You must have suffered. I too did not ask you to go. Yes, because of your presence I could not sleep; but such tender nearness of yours is far more peaceful than even sleep."
I shrank in shame and said, "I came by mistake. I thought perhaps Arjun had come back."
Laughing, Krishna said, "Can I live in Indraprasth without sakha? That is why I had told Maya to arrange for me to sleep in his room. At least by lying in sakha's bed I would be able to sleep feeling his presence. However, I shall tell sakha that even at his shut doors Krishnaa can keep standing silently throughout the night. Sometimes I feel jealous of sakha because of you."
I was not delighted listening to Krishna's flattering words. I knew that while he was clever in making up things, he was even more shrewd in testing the state of one's mind. And, of course, he had the habit of pretending to know nothing despite knowing all. Coming to see Arjun, I stood here the whole night painlessly, enchanted by his magic. Deliberately I kept quiet. While returning, in a voice full of sulk I said, "Kindly do not even take the name of Krishnaa before your sakha in case it breaks his vow. He will then incur sin. I have heard that he has earned much merit by staying far from Krishnaa. Now he is again the guest of Krishna-Balaram. Where is any place for Krishnaa there!"
He kept looking at my tearful eyes and said, "These hurt eyes brimming with tears! Sakha is not here to see them. Poor man! I feel pity for him! I will paint just such a picture before sakha. More beautiful than the beloved's love is her sulking. Only he who is a lover will appreciate this. Sakha Arjun will hardly understand."
Glancing at me meaningfully he burst out laughing. I came away, out of his sight, after glancing for an instant at Sakha, full of a lover's sulk.
21
Harita is Dronacharya's second wife. To call her wife may not be fully correct. To call her a friend, attendant, servant, nurse, companion will convey Harita's role in Dronacharya's life properly. At the time of the untimely death of his dearly beloved wife, Kripacharya's sister, Kripi, their only child Ashvatthama was only a few months old. It was for his upbringing that Dronacharya married once again young Harita.
Yellow of complexion, from the very beginning Harita was aware that she was to assume the role of a nurse and servant in Dronacharya's household. Lost in the quest for knowledge, Acharya Drona had felt no need for any other woman after Kripi. After Kripi's death he had been regarding every other woman only as mother or as all-suffering earth. He was unable to regard even his second wife, Harita, with a heart moved by emotion. Harita's life was in a way the life of an anchorite. Her husband needed her only because of Ashvatthama. Guru Drona could be said to have been blinded by paternal love. It was for that very son that he had begged his friend Drupad for a cow, and on that account suffered insult of no small dimensions. His son Ashvatthama was his sole weakness. Therefore, guru Drona did not want that Harita should bear children. If Harita should have offspring then she would become Ashvatthama's step-mother. Possibly out of this apprehension guru Drona had kept Harita far from the boundaries of desire and had immersed himself in the sea of knowledge. Harita was like an oyster on the shores of her husband's knowledge-ocean. She took the motherless infant Ashvatthama in her lap like a helpless particle of dust. Drenching him in maternal love, she put in a life-long effort to turn him into a pearl. Ashvatthama was Harita's only possession in life.
I was inspired by the dedicated life of Harita. Spontaneously my head bowed at her feet. But Harita did not want my worship. She desired my friendship and nearness.
Harita was the embodiment of sacrifice and generosity. While admiring her, I began to want her friendship and fell in love with her nobility. Harita welcomed my friendship. After Arjun left for the forest, I stayed a number of times with Harita. I drew strength from Harita's self-control, devotion to her husband, renunciation, and dedication to duty. It was from Harita that I drew inspiration for performing my proper duties towards the five husbands.
Sometimes she would open her heart to me. She would express her regret at Dronacharya supporting the Kaurav cause. But she had never spoken of her unfulfilled desires, as though
she had risen far above desires and wants. Except for making Ashvatthama into a proper son of Drona, all other desires were suppressed or dead.
Harita was like the radiant aspect of life. My intimacy with Harita went on increasing and the narrowness of my mind gradually decreased. Needless hurt, pride, arrogance, anger were reduced. Near Harita I always felt small.
But Harita remained full of nobility in her natural generosity. She would say, "Krishnaa, you are the ideal woman of Aryavart. Much is to be learnt from you. Thousands of years later your courage, patience, intelligence, outspokenness, devotion to duty and sense of self-respect will remain the ideal of womanhood. The entire male sex accepts subservience before your chaste beauty. It is for this reason that Karna's wife, Rituvati, secretly envies you."
"Rituvati envies me?" I asked, disturbed.
Calmly Harita replied, "Anyone will. Karna has not forgotten the insult of your rejection. He is restless, distressed because of the pain of that insult. The difference between Karna and Arjun is precisely this that Arjun is humble, free of arrogance. He had surrendered himself to Shri Krishna. But Karna is proud, vindictive. He depends more on his own strength than on God. Man's glory is his strength, manhood, valour. From that viewpoint Karna is not inferior to Arjun in any way. But he absolutely scorns divine power. Just for taking revenge because of your insult he has joined the Kauravs. Otherwise, even without tine help of the Kauravs, Karna can become lord of this earth purely on the strength of his own valour and prowess."
At these words of Harita instead of anger or hatred against Karna, my mind filled with sympathy and respect for him. If Karna hated the Pandavs, was there not adequate justification for it? Was it not manly to avenge an insult?