by Pratibha Ray
I could state with pride, although I had a weakness for Arjun, yet the day on which I was in any husband's apartment, there was in me no weakness regarding the other husbands. Then I convinced myself that I had only one husband. My entire love and dedication I poured out at his feet. Then no other man hid in my subconscious except Krishna. Krishna was within me in sleep, in dreams, while waking. Even in the heartbeats of my husbands it was Krishna whose voice I heard. In every breath that Arjun drew, in every pore of his body I could hear Krishna's name. Therefore, in loving Krishna my chastity or devotion to my husbands was not affected. Love of Krishna was pure, incomparable, far above all hopes and desires. Therefore, I sometimes felt even proud of my own chastity and faithfulness.
Most of the world's women would be called unchaste, if not physically then at least mentally. Even while giving their bodies, secretly they fantasized, enjoying sweet pleasure in bed with some other men. But no such thing happened within me. While being with Yudhishthir I never desired Bhim. While living with Bhim, I never thought of Arjun. The efforts I had to make for a disciplined and controlled life were not very slight. To bring the mind under the control of one's will is the most difficult task in the world.
Ma Kunti said that without suffering Krishna could not be won. In Ma Kunti's eyes Krishna was indeed the Divine. It was Krishna who created and destroyed. He was the primal cause and ordained and deereed everything. Listening to the miraculous deeds Krishna did in his childhood, I too had come to believe that Krishna was God. God is the soul-strength of the helpless. Considered from this point of view, Krishna was God for me. It was on the basis of this very faith that in such unnatural circumstances I was leading a normal life. Not only I, my five husbands too believed in this very thing. If Krishna had not been their support, then, despite all their valour and prowess, the Pandavs would have been wiped off the face of the earth long back.
Leaving Subhadra in Arjun's bedroom I came away and was sitting alone in the garden. Sitting there I did not think about Arjun. I was thinking of Krishna. In the moonlit night like the kaumudi flower, a tide of nectarous bliss was flooding me within. For, I had made such a great sacrifice for the sake of Krishna's sister! Again my mind was swelling with pride! But at times pride, too, is necessary. Pride motivates a person to do good deeds. However, only if God is behind that pride can man do good things.
Behind my pride was Krishna. I was Krishna's sakhi, dear friend. He respected me, had regard for me. I could make some sacrifices for him. Such a pride was desired by me, wholly desired.
Krishna was before me. In my unmindfulness it was him that I had been thinking of. He was omniscient. The state of my mind was not hidden from him. Sitting next to me he began speaking in honeyed words, "I am indebted to you for the sacrifice that you have made for my sister, Subhadra. Sakha has returned after so many years, yet you are passing the night alone. I am sorry for this."
So, Krishna did understand my grief. I said, "Subhadra has not, after all, snatched Arjun away from me. She has rather provided the opportunity for drawing Arjun even nearer to me. The joy of possessing wealth got without effort gets dissipated. This is also true of the lover in the matter of winning love. Without sacrifice and renunciation the nobility of womanhood gets diminished. In womanhood, too, there is a... She has given me the opportunity of making greater sacrifices and undergoing greater suffering for the sake of Phalguni and has challenged me to enhance the image of my womanhood in Phalguni's eyes. I know that it is for enhancing my value that Subhadra has come here. Therefore, I am grateful to you. Sakha, sadhana too is an acquired taste. He who has not tasted this thinks that sadhana is painful. It will have to be kept in mind that for becoming a mother it is necessary to suffer labour pains. For coming close to Phalguni, the co-wife will have to be regarded as my sister."
With the same sweet smile Krishna continued, "I know another excellent means of drawing near to Arjun. Will you be able to do it?"
"Definitely! Instead of giving me an easy way, I shall be even happier if you tell me of a difficult one."
Radiating an ineffable radiance Vasudev Krishna burst out laughing. Biting his curved lips slightly he said, "The nearer one is to Krishna, the closer one is to Arjun. Arjun is, after all, my alter ego. How can it be that becoming close to Arjun will mean turning Krishna into a stranger?"
Laughing gently I said, "I was christened Krishnaa after I was born. Father used to say that Krishna and Krishnaa were identical. Therefore, it is you who are truly within me. Whether anyone can see it or not, I can clearly perceive that within me all is pervaded by Krishna."
"The inner being that is pervaded by Krishna is bereft of pride. Where pride rules, there only the shadow of Krishna resides, not Krishna. And to consider just the shadow as Krishna is idiocy," Krishna said with a smile. His words hit me hard. Even a trace of pride within me could not be tolerated by Krishna? But I had never indulged in false pride.
Krishna's mysterious smile was sapping my self-control. As though it were saying, "Whether true or false, pride will have to be got rid of. And for getting rid of pride the ego has to be eliminated. One has to surrender. It is necessary to offer oneself before others like the offerings made to a deity."
This silent voice, it was in this that Krishna's life-story was embodied. Truly, the ruler of Dvaraka was roaming like a nomad for establishing dharma. What was his self-interest behind this? It was for the welfare of the world that he was a nomad!
23
I was finished. I had offered myself for the happiness of the five Pandavs. I had surrendered to my husbands my entire personality and self. I did not have any likes or dislikes of my own. I surrendered myself in the form that any of them wished.
From that day was the start of conjugal life with Phalguni. In the meantime, so many years had gone by. So many changes had occured in our lives. Subhadra had arrived. So much hurt and reproach had come. But, for me, Phalguni still was what he had been. As though for the very first time after the svayamvar I was waiting to enter the bridal chamber.
Maya always overdid things. What was the need for so much of decoration and paraphernalia? Wealth, power, panoply — it is these that really blind a person. I did not wish to be blinded. If I could see Phalguni with hundreds of eyes even then I would not be satiated. Phalguni was a second Krishna. When I saw him it was Krishna who stood before me. That day for whom was I waiting? For Phalguni or for Krishna?
He came. Making blue lotuses bloom on the carpet-covered floor, he took a seat. I greeted him. For how many days I had been dreaming of such a night! Such a moonlit night, cool breeze, Phalguni and I — so much of reproach and hurt, so many dreams and whims, so many discussions on poetry, arguments on scriptures, could take place only with Phalguni. Yudhishthir was ever solemn and thoughtful. Bhim had nothing to do with poetry or reproach and hurt, dream or fantasy. Nakul was restless like a simple, innocent child. What would he understand about the language of my heart? And Sahadev was lost in himself like a dumb yogi. He never began any conversation on his own. Whatever he said was extremely cryptic, and even if it was unpleasant he would always speak the truth. Therefore, all the poetry within me was reserved only for Phalguni, with whom throughout the night one could discuss poetry. Like Krishna he was poetic, a lover of art and music.
Taking my hand he seated me on the bed. In a soft, gentle voice he said, "Krishnaa, I have to come to beg forgiveness of you."
"What forgiveness?"
"I will have to return to Subhadra's apartments. She fell ill this evening." Phalguni kept looking at me hoping for an answer. I had given Subhadra a place in my heart as a sister. I had never stood in the way of her happiness. Why couldn't she tolerate my happiness?
At this point of time, regarding Subhadra as my co-wife I was jealous of her. I was meeting Phalguni after so many years. But Subhadra could not bear that. Noticing my silence Phalguni said, "You are sitting here waiting for me. But I will spend the night in Subhadra's palace. However painful this might be, I wil
l have to bear it. For you, too, I used to wait every night and you would go to the bedroom of Yudhishthir or Bhim or Nakul or Sahadev according to the yearly condition. This caused me no little agony, though I knew that you were not mine only. Today the extent to which you have authority over me, Subhadra has the same. She is unwell. After knowing this, how can I leave her and come away?"
"But this year is for you to live a united life with me, together. Even if you go to Subhadra I shall wait for you — " With great difficulty I said this.
Immediately Phalguni replied, "But why should Subhadra accept any such condition? With her no such condition has been set that I will live one year with her and one with you. Like any woman she will want to have her husband every day of every year. And that is but natural. Rather than with you, it is with Subhadra that more of my days will be spent. I will be able to have you but once in four years. I will get her every day, every moment. Therefore, how can I annoy her with whom most of my life will be spent?"
Now I understood that Phalguni had used my own weapon against me. He was paying me back for the pain he suffered because of me. He would keep waiting for me and I would go to the chambers of others. He wished to convey how much he suffered because of this. But what was my fault in this?
Between Subhadra and me conflict had arisen over Phalguni. In whose apartments would Phalguni spend the night? Realising that I was arguing with him over this, my face turned pale with shame. If Phalguni should desire to remain with Subhadra, then even if I compelled him to stay back, would he be happy? And when he himself was unhappy, how could I be glad? A royal throne could be snatched away by force, but the throne of the heart was not won by force. If Subhadra was established on the throne of Phalguni's heart then even if I kept envying her all through life, by means of envy I could not usurp her. If Subhadra was truly unwell and wanted Phalguni's nearness then to make him stay back would be absolutely unjust.
For twelve years I had borne the pangs of separation from Phalguni patiently. And now would I not be able to bear it for a couple of days more? The difference was only that then he was a celibate in the forest and now he would be staying in the rooms of my co-wife, Subhadra. In a steady voice I said, "If Subhadra is feeling unwell then even your coming here has been improper. It would have been enough if you had sent word through Maya. Go quickly! That poor thing is of a tender age. Finding you delayed she will get upset."
Phalguni caught hold of both my hands, "You will not grieve? What can I do? This is what happens to a person if he runs with the hare and hunts with the hounds."
Hearing Phalguni's warm, sympathetic words my sorrow melted through my eyes. I wanted to compel it to remain hidden within. Was I tender of age like Subhadra that on not getting Phalguni near me I would let flow a stream of tears or fall ill? I was Yajnaseni after all — learned, Queen of Indraprasth, moreover, fire-born. I tried to laugh and said, "I am feeling sorry for Subhadra. Unnecessarily she fell ill. Why? I hope it will not be necessary to summon the royal physician at night?"
In a solemn tone Phalguni said, "Do not worry about Subhadra. Her illness is not so serious. It will be enough if I am with her. But how will you spend the night?"
"Tossing and turning all night!" I said tearfully.
"For whom?" asked Phalguni.
"For Subhadra. Although I have accepted her as my sister even then perhaps she is afraid of me, considering me her co-wife. Otherwise, when you were coming to my rooms today how is it that suddenly she fell ill? Anyway, now you should not delay any more..." Taking Phalguni's hand I raised him and took him up to the door. With head bowed Phalguni silently went towards Subhadra's rooms. The moment I lost sight of him, I shut the doors and collapsed on the bed. I did not know why I was feeling terribly overburdened today. As though Phalguni had stolen away all my strength.
I had just shut my eyes when I sensed Maya's voice approaching me. The moment Maya entered my room I shut the doors. Massaging my feet, Maya said with deep sighs, "Only you could bear this injustice on Arjun's part after twelve long years of waiting. Actually, Subhadra is not unwell. I saw her at her toilet after the evening bath. Arjun cannot stay without seeing Subhadra even for a moment. That is why, spinning a false tale, he has gone off to Subhadra's rooms. And you have been suffering so much in his absence, living like an ascetic."
Maya's words were ringing true and increasing the torment within me. But I did not wish to expose my weakness before Maya. Laughing I said, "Maya! This is but natural. Arjun's relationship with Subhadra is only a few days old. That is why he cannot let her alone."
"But so many years have passed since you married Arjun; your relationship with Arjun is so old."
In a voice choked with dreams I said, "The relationship with Arjun is of this birth and the next. You will not be able to understand, Maya..."
24
The moment one looked at Subhadra all the anger, reproach and hurt was left behind like a passing cloud. The heart became clear like the pure heavens. I saw Subhadra and forgot all the conflict of the previous night. I enquired after her welfare. "After arriving in Indraprasth my health has improved. There is no question of any decline," she said.
I was amazed. Then Maya's words were true? Phalguni had spun a false tale about Subhadra's illness and stayed back to spend the night in her chamber. I did not say anything about my suspicion. I asked, "Did you sleep well at night?" She burst out laughing, "Sleep! That is ever my companion. Phalguni was not there, therefore I went to sleep very early. Like other days I did not have to listen to discussions on scriptures and poetry from Phalguni. Regrding these, he praises you a lot. Last night what scriptural discourses went on? On getting an understanding companion his nights are spent in discussing poetry. As long as he was in Dvaraka, the nights would pass by in scriptural discussions with Brother." Subhadra's laughter tinkled. I was flabbergasted. Phalguni was not with me. He was not in Subhadra's room either. Then where did he spend the night? Stating that Subhadra was ill he came away from me. What was the intention behind this? Did Phalguni not crave my nearness? What was his hesitation in being with me? What offence had I committed against him?
To whom would I relate this sorrow, this shame, this insult? Phalguni did not love me — once this became known what would be the sense of my living on? The whole day passed in thought.
Should I say before someone that Phalguni did not love me. Then would I not look small in the eyes of everyone? With what scorn, with pity, would people look at me? Would I be able to bear that?
Evening, alone I sat in the comer of the garden, absent-minded, sad. Perhaps that night, too, Phalguni might not come. Making some pretext he might spend the night somewhere else. Instead of waiting for him in the bedroom, it would be better to pass the night hiding my face in some corner of the garden.
Suddenly, from behind me I heard the voice of Krishna. Startled I looked about. Sakha was smiling gently, "Yesterday you cruelly turned my sakha back. And today you are seated here in hiding. It seems that today too the poor man will return frustrated from your room and the whole night speak about it sitting next to me. Yesterday he did not sleep the whole night and I too could not rest. Sakhi, why are you so cruel to sakha?"
Amazed, I kept staring at sakha. I was musing on Phalguni's peculiar conduct. To tell such a huge white lie in my name! Why? There Subhadra, here I, both alone, and Phalguni was spending the night with sakha. Unnecessarily he was tarnishing my reputation. What was the meaning of this?
I kept looking at sakha in amazement. He went on smiling in amusement. Pretending to be angry I said, "In twelve years of celibacy he married four wives only and fathered three sons. And immediately on returning your sakha became busy in tarnishing my name. Why? Telling me of Subhadra's illness he went away and the whole night he spent with you. It was not I who pushed him away."
"But you could have forced him to remain."
"Even after hearing of Subhadra's illness would it have been proper to compel him?"
"If not compel, you cou
ld surely request him. You could have held him back for a little while."
"Even when Subhadra was unwell?"
"Subhadra was not very unwell, this too Phalguni had stated."
"Even then Phalguni wished to go to Subhadra. How could I hold him back by a request? Do requests win love?"
"But you did not feel sad without Phalguni! After so many days — and your waiting became fruitless. Even about this you did not feel reproachful? The meaning of this is that within you there is no intense craving for Phalguni's love."
"Does reproach have any language? Eyes, mouth, deep sighs, the choking voice — if from all of these Phalguni could not sense my sorrow, helplessness, reproach, then should I have put all this into words?"
Hearing my words Krishna said, "Krishnaa, last night my sakha did not undergo very little suffering. To test whether within you there was any anxious eagerness for him or not he told you of Subhadra's illness. But promptly displaying generosity, you packed him off to Subhadra. Despite Subhadra being unwell had you, by any means, compelled him to stay back in your chambers then he would have been pleased with the intensity of your love. However much learned or wise one might be, with the beloved no discrimination and intellect work. For winning love what is there in this world that the beloved cannot do? And because of your cold generosity my sakha was punished not a little throughout the night."
Thrilled with amazement I was searching the reason for this dramatic exit for his. To test my heart's eagerness Phalguni sat with sakha all of last night. Hearing this, it seemed to me that Phalguni was mine. Ulupi, Chitrangada, Arya, Subhadra could be Phalguni's wives but I was his beloved, his dearest. Even after several marriages, to me Phalguni was still what he had been before. Now even if Phalguni kept ninety-nine wives in the inner apartments of Indraprasth, still I would not grieve. Phalguni's manhood was vast like the ocean and as generous. Should all the rivers and streams of the world seek shelter there, still there would be place for me.