by Pratibha Ray
I do not know whether I was sleeping or awake. Somewhere in the heart I heard the enchanting flute, and sandalwood-paste-smeared, yellow-clad Krishna was before me. With both hands outstretched he was saying, "Sakhi, I am limitlessly thirsty. This thirst will not be quenched with sweet water. That is why, not caring for storm and rain, I have rushed so far to you. I have heard you have become amrita-showering mother in Kamyak forest. At your amrita-spring no one remains unfed, not even insects and worms. Your heart contains the rejuvenating essence, sanjivani. Auspicious one, today on my birthday my throat is parched for a draught of amrita. Quench my thirst and glorify me."
I was thrilled, it brought me out in goose pimples. I was delighted. Within me I could feel the presence of mother Yashoda. Who was I, Krishnaa or Yashoda? I found that the solution to all my problems was standing before me: the child Gopal. On his face the incomparable radiance of the purity of the whole universe was shining. The butter and curd thief Gopal was now pleading for amrita! The amrita of my breasts was dripping. Cupping his palms, Krishna was drinking the amrita. In the form of my child Krishna had set foot here! He had removed the pain of a mother's heart by making me amrita-full. Immersed in maternal love I sighed, "Krishna, Kanhaiyya, Kanha..."
Touching me, Phalguni woke me up, "Why are you deliriously muttering Krishna, Krishna in your sleep?"
Helplessly I cried out, "Krishna! No, I was calling my own child. All my five sons had come in the form of Krishna. They were demanding amrita. With eyes heavy with sleep I was seeing my own sons in Krishna. In sleep pouring out the amrita of my breasts into my children's mouths my heart was satisfied." Truly, my dress was wet with milk.
Hearing my dream Arjun said, "The generous compassionate mother within you is distributing through Krishna amrita to all the children of this world. Even while asleep you have been thinking of the hungry children of the world. Your nobility is without comparison."
We were talking thus when sakha appeared. Outside the dense darkness of the dark fortnight, the incessant rain of Bhadra, yet in the cottage of the forst-dwelling kingdom-less Pandavs like a blue flame sat the perfect man, sakha Krishna!
Amazed, thrilled, Arjun said, "Sakha, on this dreadful night leaving Dvaraka how are you here in the forest?"
Smiling gently, Krishna said, "He who came into this world leaving the sanctuary of his mother's womb on such a terrible night, for him is there a 'proper time?' For him is any place impassable, unreachable?"
"But the reason for the sudden arrival? Is all well in Dvaraka? Subhadra and the children are happy?" asked Arjun.
Calmly Krishna said, "All is well. But the reason for my coming is different. Suddenly I remembered the taste of food cooked by Krishnaa. I thought: it is my birthday; she will have prepared lovely sweets of various types. I felt very greedy. So I came away. The whole day I was engrossed in thoughts of food cooked by Krishnaa. That is why I remained hungry. It seemed to me as though someone was waiting. So, without bothering about the problem of storm and rain — I came. See, I am completely wet."
The yellow cloth was sticking to sakha’s body. From the curly locks drops of water were dripping constantly. Worried, Arjun quickly put his own dry clothes on sakha, wiped his feet, hair and body. But I? I sat doing nothing! Midnight! Now what would I offer sakha? After my eating the inexhaustible vessel was empty. I felt like ripping out my heart. I was thinking: 'But sakha, how will I give you food?' Why did I allow myself to be persuaded by Arjun to eat? I was used to fasting the whole day. What would have gone wrong if I had just fallen asleep for some time? He had come from so far to eat food cooked by me. Now with what would I satisfy him?
Wearing Arjun's clothes, sakha was looking just like him. Sitting up, pretending not to know anything, he said, "Sakhi! I cannot wait. I am dying of hunger." My eyes misted over. I could not speak. I was angry with Arjun and with sakha too. Should any guest come so late at night and waking up one from sleep ask for food? Did that not cross the bounds of normal decency? Moreover, sakha knew that once the inexhaustible vessel was empty, Yajnaseni no longer remained Annapoorna. Deliberately he wanted to put me in trouble. Well, it was his wish...
Phalguni was able to understand the state of my mind. Worriedly he asked, "Sakha! You felt like harassing Krishnaa on a rainy night like this? You are not content with all that has happened to her so far? Without your knowledge does anything take place in this world?"
Sakha did not pay attention to Arjun's words. Looking at me he said, "You did not keep even a little food? I had thought on my birthday you wil surely keep something aside. Having eaten up everything you went to sleep? I cannot believe this."
Full of reproach I said, "Yes, guests, if unfed, utter curses. Curse me. I will gladly accept it. She whose life itself is cursed-what has she to fear from curses?"
Scattering laughter sakha said, "Who says that your life is cursed. Come, sakhi, show me your palm. Where is your future in these lines?"
Before I could say anything he had taken my hand. Full of hurt and reproach I was thinking that I would draw it back. That is when Arjun whispered into my ears, "Show sakha your palm! His forecasts are very accurate. Moreover, in poring over your hand he will forget his hunger and thirst. You will also be saved from a guest's curse."
My hand was in sakha's hand. He was looking closely at each finger. I saw that a particle of food was left on the tip of one of my fingers. Tired out, I had washed up in haste and somehow the food particle had got stuck to the finger and dried. Ashamed of having a soiled hand in sakha's hand I was about to draw it away when sakha took up that very food particle and ate it like prasad.
I was amazed. What was this that he was doing — the leftovers of my food! He would make me sink in sin. But before I could even say anything, sakha was patting his stomach with great contentment.
Laughing, he said, "Oh Sakhi! If a single particle of food cooked by you is such a heavy meal, then I would surely suffer from indigestion if I ate much. It is as well that I arrived after you had finished eating."
I was cursing myself for my carelessness. And here sakha had belched, satisfied, and was praising my cooking! Stunned I was wondering about his miraculous powers. Faced with this, all my ideas of virtue and sin, dharma and adharma were becoming hazy. Telling us to rest, he himself lay down and left before dawn.
The secret of this dramatic entry and exit of sakha's became clear the next day. The divine sage Narad had arrived. He was praising sakha's love for his friends repeatedly. To save his friend from the curse of Durvasa sakha had rushed, on that dark rainy night, into the dense forest and had eaten that food particle.
Pleased with the service of Duryodhan, Durvasa, at his request, had arrived after midnight in Kamyak forest with his thousand disciples. Duryodhan was aware that before dawn the inexhaustible vessel was empty and I did not remain Annapoorna. He would accept the hospitality of the Pandavs and ask for immediate arrangement for food for his disciples. The helpless Pandavs would become the victims of Durvasa's fury and be destroyed.
But he whose friend was the saviour Krishna, why should he burn in Durvasa's curse? Having taken the particle of food stuck in my fingers, the universal soul of Krishna was content. And once the universal soul was content, Durvasa and his disciples, too, were content. Hardly had they entered the forest than their hunger was assuaged, their stomachs were full up to the throat! All this was the magic of Krishna. They understood and full of shame, Durvasa went back quietly with his disciples.
Hearing this from Narad I was delighted. Taking my leftovers, Krishna might have made me a sinner, but my husbands were saved from being cursed. My heart, mind and soul automatically bowed at Krishna's feet.
33
The vow of Karna of the golden armour and earrings was to slay Arjun. Born with this armour and earrings, he was invincible. Therefore, after the plot to destroy the Pandavs by means of Durvasa's curse failed, Duryodhan reminded Karna of his vow. In a grim, grave voice Karna said, "The first step towards the destruction
of the Pandavs is the killing of Arjun. No power on earth can save him from the maw of death. It is for the killing of Arjun that my birth has taken place. God Himself will not be able to save him from me. If God alone was to do everything, then why did he give man so many limbs, brain etc.?"
Valiant Karna's vow spread throughout Aryavart like a thunderclap. Ma Kunti was sorely grieved. Her anguished lamentation reached Krishna's ears. Once sorrow had reached up to Krishna, no further worry remained. I had left every matter to him. The forest-dwelling five Pandavs were downcast with Karna's vow.
Suddenly Devarshi Narad brought news that Karna no long had his armour and earrings. Therefore, it was not Arjun's b Karna's life that was in danger. Arjun's father Indra, hearing of Karna's vow, approached him in the guise of a brahmin and took away the armour and earrings as a donation. It was the armour and the earrings that were the secret of Karna's strength. Despite knowing everything, in his arrogance as a donor, Karna sacrificed his power and his beauty to Arjun's father without any regret.
Knowing that Arjun's life was now without any danger, I was reassured. But somewhere in a secret crevice of my heart from time to time a sad tune would play. Oh! If only Karna was not an orphan, if only his father's identity was known! His father would surely have made some efforts to protect his son. But he was helpless, orphaned. Deliberately he thrust himself into the jaws of death. What joy would ma Kunti have in this? Karna was her dharma-son!
Narad announced: "Karna has obtained the infallible enemy-destroying missile from Indra. Therefore, there is no need to be sorry for Karna."
Again I became anxious for Arjun and the Pandavs. How strange was a person's mind! Hearing of Karna's vow regarding Arjun's death I became anxious about my husband. Then, the incident of the gifting of the armour and earrings filled me with sympathy and pain for Karna. The next moment I grew anxious once again regarding the Pandavs on hearing the news of Karna's having obtained the enemy-destroying missile.
I was all churned up with worry. In the midst of this sakha turned up. Seeing me, he said, "For whom are you worried — for Karna or Arjun? Both are equally skilled warriors and heroes. One is the son of Kunti the other is Kunti's dharma-son. I know that in ma Kunti's eyes her dharma-son Karna and her own son Arjun are equal. Do you too look upon them equally?"
I had never even imagined he would suddenly indulge in such jesting over Karna. At first, I was acutely embarrassed. I could feel my face had become crimson. That too could not remain hidden from sakha. The next moment I took hold of myself, "Sakha, the mind of man is not made of wood or stone after all. A woman's heart is naturally soft and delicate. He for whom there is so much love and sympathy in Mother, however great an enemy he might be, his death will not give me pleasure. Death may not be the appropriate punishment for an enemy. Birth and death are not in the hands of man. Why should man shoulder that responsibility? Death can be the solution to division, hatred, dislike. Therefore, it is natural for sympathy to arise in my mind for Karna. Further, on his having obtained the foe-destroying missile, it is even more natural for me to worry about Arjun."
Laughing, sakha said, "Once Karna saved you from drowning in the river. Sympathy for him is but natural. Ingratitude turns a man into a beast. However, do not worry about Arjun. Karna can use that missile only once. Thereafter it will return to Indra. What if Karna misses his aim that one time?"
Noticing the wicked smile on Krishna's curved lips, I was somewhat reassured. I thought, with Krishna here what was there for Arjun to fear? The next moment I said, "If I ever get the chance to save brave Karna's life then this heavy, oppressive burden of debt will be lifted from my mind. By saving my life, he has put me in his debt. Will such a chance ever come or not? If necessary, I wish to save Karna's life at the cost of my own and pay off this debt. I am in debt to one whose enemies are my husbands — whenever I think of this I am weighed down by depression."
Looking at me significantly Krishna said, "You are mistaken, sakhi! Your husbands are not Karna's enemies. Karna is your husbands' enemy. If he wishes, Karna can become the greatest friend of the Pandavs. It is only out of jealousy of Arjun that he has joined hands with the Kauravs. Regarding arrogance as manliness, he has invited his own death. If his life and death were ever to be placed in your hands, then it is death that he will choose. He will not turn aside from rejecting your kindness and sympathy. It is pride that is Karna's greatest foe."
The burden of debt is painful. To be indebted to an arrogant man is even more agonising than death. I thought it would have been better if I had died that day. If the current of my life had merged with the Yamuna's current, I would have been saved so much misery, so many dilemmas, so much anxiety.
34
Among the Pandavs there would be always discussions regarding winning back the throne of Hastinapur. But Yudhishthir would not participate in these. I would be angry at his silence. I would think, "He, because of whose short-sightedness the valiant Arjun, Bhim, Nakul, Sahadev and I, the daughter of Drupad, are living in the forest exiled from the kingdom, does not even think about any remedy for that injustice! A forgiving heart is the dwelling of God. But showing forgiveness to the enemy and the sinful is not the dharma of kshatriyas. One who displays only timidity or anger is not a proper man. Man ought to be gentle where necessary, and angry where required." Hearing such words from me, Yudhishthir would calmly reply, "The time of the destruction of the Bharat clan has arrived. Duryodhan is now king and he cannot forgive. If the king himself does not provide shelter to forgiveness, then he himself gets immersed in unforgivable crimes and sinful conduct. As a result, both kingdom and clan are doomed to extinction. Therefore, I have taken recourse to forgiveness. I have taken shelter in non-violence and truth. Let us see if the Bharat clan can be saved. It is then that my ascesis will be successful. Lust, anger, greed — these three are the doors to hell. Guided by anger and greed, no desire is fulfilled fully. Therefore, we should wait with patient hearts for the auspicious hour when fortune will change. Why think of conquering Hastinapur when we have only just begun our forest exile?"
Feeling let down, I would say, "Without action neither temporary happiness nor permanent delight is obtainable. Fate too is shaped by action. Without acting, how can fate be altered? Without thinking now of how to win back our lost honour at the end of the exile, how will the safety of the Pandavs be assured then?"
Even more calmly Yudhishthir would say, "Dharma rakshati rakshitam. That is, if you take refuge in dharma, dharma will protect you. Therefore, under no circumstances can I renounce dharma. Yo are learned. Who will comprehend the nobility of protecting dharma more than you?"
Sulking, reproachfully with tearful eyes I would say, "Sakha is witness, this lord of dharma will abandon all four brothers and his wife too, if need be, but will not abandon dharma! But how dharma protects, the blazing instance of that is my insult, our forest-exile, Karna's obtaining the foe-destroying missile for slaying Arjun! How the Pandavs will remain alive does not ever seem to worry the lord of dharma."
Such words were being exchanged before Krishna when guru Krishna Dvaipayan arrived. Urging me to be patient he said, "Daughter Krishnaa! Just as being in a dilemma and grieving over matters relating to the victory and defeat, the life and death of your five husbands is natural to you as their wife, similarly, for Yudhishthir to remain unmoved after hearing everything, is equally natural. Still, I have come here to remove the anxiety of all of you. It is natural to be worried about the Pandavs not having adequate weapons to face a hero like Karna. Therefore, today I will teach Yudhishthir the shrutismriti skill. This he will teach Arjun. By means of this skill Arjun will be able to please Indra, Mahadev, Yama, Varun and Kuber for obtaining divine weapons. After obtaining the knowledge of the fire-weapon, Arjun need not fear Karna's foe-destroying missile. Are you satisfied with this, daughter?"
Silently I nodded my head in agreement. Vedvyas, after teaching Yudhishthir that knowledge, left along with Shri Krishna and Devarshi Narad.
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nbsp; 35
Phalguni was leaving. Taking along the Gandiv and the inexhaustible quivers, he was proceeding to the Himalayas for obtaining divine weapons after stern ascesis. All the brothers were pleasantly bidding him farewell. Then these thoughts crossed my mind: "With so many brothers available, why is it Arjun on whom the responsibility for this stem duty has been placed? Could not the responsibility of obtaining the divine weapons from the five gods Indra, Mahadev, Yama, Varun, Kuber be divided among the five brothers? Phalguni is valiant, dedicated and powerful. Shall he not enjoy any happiness? Half of his life has passed in the forest, in stern penance. I had thought some years would be passed together in the forest. Among the brothers, Phalguni is the most poetic, most emotional. After he leaves for the Himalayas, the true agony of forest life will begin for me. What does nature gain by repeatedly taking my dearest man far away from me? How cruel does destiny become in giving me pain, in producing obstacles to my love for my husband! Even if Arjun is out of sight, he does not vanish from the eyes of the heart. Perhaps fate is unaware of this fact. Had it known this, would it have behaved so heartlessly? The heart trembles even to think of that."
Phalguni would have to be bidden farewell with a steady heart and a pleasant face. It was not out of any sense of hurt and reproach that he was proceeding to the Himalayas, but out of some desire. I asked, "When will you return?" The last time I knew that I would have to wait for twelve years. But this time there was no limit to the waiting.
Calmly Phalguni said, "Surely before the one-year-in-disguise. Can anything be forecasted regarding ascesis and its fulfilment?"
'Then?"
"Five gods are concerned. There is no chance of returning before five years. It is difficult to say anything more. Why are you worrying? Even if I am not here, there are four other husbands after all. At this time, as forest-dwellers, they are free from all garbage. With them, like a forest stream, your days will speed by in unhampered joy, Krishnaa. Therefore, I am not worried about you. If I alone had married you, how much trouble you would have had to face! In the Pandav family, it is I who have to undertake such difficult tasks which occupy such long periods. Therefore, you would have had to spend the greater period of your life suffering separation. However, now that danger is not there. If you remain happy, then my sadhana too will become more concentrated."