by Pratibha Ray
Satya was bewildered hearing this, “Stop, Krishnaa, enough! Let alone doing all these things, even listening to them makes me dizzy. I will not be able to do all this. It seems that even becoming a proper wife is the fruit of a regular sadhana.”
I laughed, "It is here that you are mistaken. Instead of thinking that Krishna should be yours, why don't you become Krishna's? Just by that he will be enchained. Chandravali is one of the gopis and a great lover of Krishna. What is the difference in the attitudes of Chandravali and Radha? Chandravali's attitude towards Krisna is — you are mine. While Radha says — I am yours. Only because of this difference Radha becomes superior to Chandravali. My attitude towards Krishna is also the same. I say, 'O Krishna, Krishnaa is yours.' Since my very birth I have been in an attitude of surrender to Krishna. Those who mistake my attitude of surrender also fail to understand Krishna. The love of Krishna is not erotic in the human sense. My husbands understand this. Therefore, they even regard the love of Krishna as their good fortune."
With tearful eyes Satyabhama grasped both my hands and said, "Sister! You have not only won your husbands, you have even won Krishna. None of us have been able to understand my husband the way you have understood him. 'Krishna is mine' — saying this the eight of us are engaged in a tug-of-war. And Krishna is unable to be anyone's! Leaving us in Dvaraka, he has become Krishnaa's! From today you are my guru. I shall follow your advice. Only then will Krishna become mine alone — "
I laughed, "Sister, again you are on the wrong path. Not 'Krishna will become mine'. Say 'I shall be able to become Krishna's.'"
I do not know since when both friends were listening to our talk. Arjun broke in with a jest, "Enough, enough, Krishnaa! If you become Krishna's then who will be Arjun's? Speak, who is Arjun's? Answer! Otherwise to resolve the dilemma I shall summon Bhim here and the less I say of the results the better."
Without the least hesitation I said, "I am Krishna's; Krishna is Arjun's. So Krishnaa too is yours, what doubt is there in this?"
With eyes shut Satya was repeating, "Yes, I am Krishna's, I am Krishna's, I am Krishna's." She had forgotten herself. Tears were flowing from her eyes.
Asking for leave, Krishna said, "It seems, like Satya, I will now have to despatch all the eight queens to you. Only then will I be spared from that tug-of-war."
When Satyabhama had arrived I had enquired of the welfare of the five sons and Abhimanyu. During her departure I began to enquire once more. I was consoling my heart. They must have begun studying by now; how big they must have grown; while sleeping, eating, playing did they ever remember their forest-dwelling mother? — asking about all this, I broke into sobs.
To cheer me up, Satyabhama said, "Subhadra is there, all of us are there, then why should they miss you? They get whatever they want. Do not worry, sister. So many years have passed. It is only a matter of three years. They are extremely healthy and well-built. Abhimanyu now looks like Arjun's younger brother."
I wiped my tears and said, 'They do not miss me at all?" My tears flowed faster. Seeing this, Krishna broke into laughter, "So remember, Satya! When we go back, the nephews must be given pain. Keep them hungry, send them to cut wood from the forest. Beat them too. Then they will remember ma Krishnaa very much. Then Krishna too will be very happy in this forest."
Wiping my tears and holding Satya's hand, I said plaintively, "Satya, do not listen to these terrible words of sakha. Being a man, how will he understand the state of a mother's heart? You can understand how painful it is to leave one's sons during their infancy and childhood. How will he realise that? Do not remind them about me. If they remember me, they will miss me and weep. Give my love to Subhadra. Tell her that I have brought back her husband from the kingdom of svarg. Also tell her that after Arjun's return from there Draupadi has not had a share in her conjugal bliss. For till Karna is slain, Draupadi is untouchable for Arjun. Despite being near him, Draupadi is now deprived of being of service to Arjun." While saying this, my face fell. To hide my tears, I got up and went inside the cottage.
43
The great sage Trinbindu's ashram appeared even more enchanting than Indra'a Nandan garden. I asked Arjun if it was really so. Entranced by the beauty of the ashram, Arjun too thought that Nandan garden would appear ordinary before this. My husbands had gone deep into Kamyak forest that day for hunting. I had expressed the desire to wait in this ashram. Leaving the priest Dhaumya with me, the five Panda vs left. Like a restless child I began roaming in the ashram garden. Being without pen and paper when I could not paint that poetic scene, it flowed out as sweet song. Like a butterfly I went from flower to flower, humming.
On the other side of the garden was the forest path. Some procession was coming with great paraphernalia, music and shouts. It must be some prince dressed as a bridegroom. They would have been attracted by my singing and turned towards the garden. Struck by my wondrous beauty, the bridegroom alighted from the chariot. Out of shyness, I hastily turned back into the ashram thinking, "Chheeh! My husbands are far away. Should I have been roaming in the garden like a young girl singing aloud?"
After a little while king Surath's son, Kotik, arrived at the ashram entrance. Holding on to a newly blossoming branch of a kadamba tree I was gazing at the blue afternoon sky and stringing together rhythmic lines of poetry.
Kotik was enchanted by me and said, "Incomparable one, who are you? Are you the daughter of nagas, yakshas, an apsara of svarg or a goddess? In the midst of the greenery of the forest you are blazing like a forest-fire. Flashing like lightning in the blue clouds you are enhancing the beauty of the forest. We have never seen such a beauty. You shame even the curvaceous waves of the ocean. The glory of your face is like a blue lotus in a lake. Your voice is the strumming of goddess Sarasvati's veena's strings. Whoever you might be, king Jayadrath of Sindhu desires to meet you. Husband of Duhshala, the only sister of maharaj Duryodhan, the mighty ruler of prosperous Hastinapur, king Jayadrath while on the way to marry the princess of Shalva kingdom has been stunned on the way on seeing your flawless beauty. He does not think it proper to proceed on his way without meeting you."
Hearing the name of the husband of my beloved sister-in-law I was delighted. It was only the Kauravs who were our enemies. Duhshala was a dear sister to the Pandavs too. I called her "Sushila". I had not met any relatives for many days. Therefore, eagerly giving my identity, I asked Jayadrath to accept my hospitality. No matter how many women a king might marry, a marriage enhanced his image. Therefore, Jayadrath's wedding journey was a matter of joy and glory. On such an auspicious occasion, if I did not convey my blessings and good wishes to my sister-in-law's husband, what would people say? What would my husbands' sister Sushila, think? And, on their return, what would the Pandavs too say to me? Yudhishthir would say I was envious. Bhim would describe me as narrow-minded. Therefore, I waited eagerly.
I greeted Jayadrath who was in his bridegroom's get-up. With warmth I said, "You did not recognise your elder brothers-in-law's wife? What is the meaning of behaving like a stranger and remaining at a distance asking for permission to meet? Even though I have seen you only once or twice, I have not forgotten your appearance. When you are the king of Sindhu, mighty Duryodhan's brother-in-law, then how will you recognise the exiled, forest-dwelling Pandavs' wife, Draupadi? How is Sushila? Does she ever remember me? Brothers might well become enemies, but their sister is common to them all. What would have been the harm if you had sent advance notice that you would be passing this way to Shalva? If they had known, the Pandavs would surely have waited for you. They have gone far for hunting and it is difficult for them to return before sunset. On their behalf, please accept my good wishes and blessings. While returning with the bride, if you should pass this way then please spend a night in the ashram of the Pandavs. The invitation stands from now itself. The Pandavs too will be glad."
Jayadrath gave no reply. He kept staring at me as though spellbound. Then he said, "Now I will not proceed to marry the Shalva princess. Lovely one!
You might be my sister-in-law or anybody else, but it is you whom I wish to make my queen. To enjoy beautiful women is the glory of man. The man who obtains a beauty like you will be famous. The Pandavs do not deserve such a jewel. See in what a poor state they have kept you!"
I became a flaming fire in anger, "Enough, enough! Do not say a word more. Otherwise your death is inevitable at the hands of my husbands. Heinous sinner! Can anyone remain alive after insulting a married woman thus? You will have to do penance for this sin some day!"
How could my words be heard by lust-crazed Jayadrath? Dragging me by the hand he lifted me on to the chariot, saying, "Before me, the Pandavs are mere beggars. What harm can they do me? Lovely one, from today remain as the queen of Sindhu. That Duryodhan, who insulted you in the royal court — his own sister will be your slave. Surely you too will agree, that no greater revenge than this can be taken even by the Pandavs."
The chariot sped away. Kicking that sinner, I was about to leap down when he grasped me in both hands tightly. Helplessly I cried out, "Krishna, Krishna" and fell unconscious. When I regained consciousness I found myself lying on a bed. My husbands were seated anxiously all around. I was relieved. At least I had been freed from those sinful hands. Priest Dhaumya had pleaded with him not to force me. Kicking him away, Jayadrath had taken me on the chariot. Seeing this, Dhaumya ran to contact my husbands in the forest. Hearing the news, they ran and rescued me. But did they punish him properly or not?
Bhim reassured me, "Do not worry, Panchali. You are safe now."
In an angry tone I said, "I do not even wish to see the corpse of that sinner. Let his filthy body be thrown to the jackals in the jungle." Like rain following lightning, tears poured from my eyes.
Hearing my words, Yudhishthir said, "Yajnaseni! I had not expected such cruelty from you. Jayadrath has sinned. If the punishment of every sin were death then no one would remain alive on this earth. Men in general are attracted to lovely women. The discriminating man controls his desire. Jayadrath is bereft of conscience, so he insulted you. Do not forget that he is the husband of our only sister."
I flared up in fury and leaving the bed, stood up. Raging, I said, "You are perhaps even more forgiving than the best of all men of honour, Ram. For the crime of abducting Sita, Ram killed a wise man like Ravan. But because he is your brother-in-law, you will not punish him? Your wife being insulted does not pain you or excite you! The scriptures say that if the abductor of a woman or usurper of a kingdom should seek sanctuary, it will be unjust to let him live. He is the chief enemy of society."
Bhim supported my contention. Arjun, Nakul, Sahadev were silent. Yudhishthir began to explain the nobility of forgiving. Gradually I calmed down. Truly, man has filled this earth with so many sinful desires that at every step dharma, justice, truth are in danger. It is true that if the punishment of every sin is death then there will be no man left. The working of our society is such that throughout life a woman has to suffer because of sin. If Jayadrath were given the sentence of death for his sinful act, then for the rest of her life Sushila would suffer the agony of widowhood. Thus, the punishment would have to be suffered not by Jayadrath but by Sushila. A man does not incur sin by enjoying many women, it only enhances the glory of his manhood. In some circumstances, even if we consider it sinful, no one will describe it as an unpardonable crime. That is why there is such arrogance in man. There are many instances of abduction of beautiful women. Therefore, Jayadrath had not done anything overstepping the limits of society. He was a man and moreover a king. It is a kingly right! I felt angry with society. First I felt full of reproach against my husbands, and then against God. Whoever's fate is full of grief is created as a beautiful woman by God. However, Sushila too was a woman like me. She was faithful to her husband, full of love, pure in conduct. Without any fault why should she have to undergo the ultimate suffering?
In a voice heavy with tears I said, 'Then free Jayadrath. What is Sushila's fault? If the rules of society are not altered on Jayadrath's death, then why burden Sushila's life with grief? If the desire for another's wife were an unpardonable crime and shameful for man, then there would not be so much of sin and perversion in this world. Chaste Sita's life too would not have been so sorrowful. After the killing of Ravan and the destruction of Lanka, rape and beastly tyranny over women would have vanished from earth. For men, women have also become something to be won like kingdom, wealth and prosperity. He whose might is greater, wins the wives of others. That Jayadrath failed was my good fortune. If Jayadrath had won then by rights I would have become his mistress." I pardoned Jayadrath but began cursing womanhood for the inequality in the rules and laws of society for the sexes.
Shaving Jayadrath's head, Bhim forced him to acknowledge servitude of the Pandavs; made him pranam me hold my feet and beg forgiveness. Out of fear of his life, Jayadrath did all this. The king of Sindhu dressed in bridal finery was standing with shaven head in a single cloth! In disgust, I averted my face and spat, "Let alone the touch of a conscienceless lust-crazed man, even seeing his shadow is improper for a chaste woman. Chheehl You are not even fit to touch the dust of my feet."
Shaven-headed, half-naked Jayadrath was lying full-length on the ground doing pranam. Bhim and Nakul laughed uproariously. I came away from there.
Ashamed, defeated, frustrated, Jayadrath did not return to his kingdom. He sat down to perform penance in Hardwar to please Shiva. Shiva appeared before him. He asked the boon, "Give me the weapon to defeat the Pandavs in battle. Even if it be for a single day, I wish to defeat the Pandavs." Shiva replied, "I understand your intention in asking for this boon. By defeating them, you are eager to obtain the desirable woman, Draupadi, in accordance with the rules of kshatriya conduct. However, I have already given my most powerful weapon to Arjun. Yes, for one day you will be able to defeat the four Pandavs other than Arjun."
Having obtained Shiva's boon Jayadrath went about boasting, "So, my desire shall be fulfilled. Karna will defeat Arjun and I the other four. Between the two of us we shall enjoy Draupadi. Draupadi is used to being enjoyed at once by several men, so there will be no difficulty."
Hearing this news Bhim angrily told Yudhishthir, "You see the consequence of forgiveness? Of course, the obsession of winning Draupadi can make anyone go mad. What is the fault of Jayadrath?"
But I said, "So the fault is mine? That it is sanctioned by the scriptures for the woman to be enjoyed by the enemy after her husband has been defeated in battle, is the true fault. But who will understand that? Who will oppose the scriptures?"
44
For diverting the mind we went to Dvaita forest for some days. My mind was restless. My beauty and youth seemed curses to me. Arjun had taken the vow not to touch me. The period of exile was about to end. Yudhishthir was busy with plans for the future. Bhim would keep roaming in the jungle. Therefore he would sometimes stay with Hidimba. By this time roads had been made in the deep forests. So Bhim would not tease me unmercifully as in the past and harass me. Nakul kept himself occupied in dance and music and celebrating festivals in the Shabar villages. Sahadev was engrossed in thought regarding the incognito period of the exile. As a matter of fact I was leading an absolutely lonely life. Gradually I had passed beyond desire and lust, as though this was the first step of an ascetic life of renunciation. Towards man's lust and my own lovely body and youth, disgust was accumulating in my mind. At the root of all our suffering, insult, the exile of the Pandavs, loss of kingdom, was the frustration of not winning a beautiful woman. That woman was myself — Krishnaa! Who knew what evil was waiting for us after returning to the kingdom following the exile? Duryodhan, Duhshasan, Karna, Jayadrath, the eyes of all were fixed on me. But what was my fault except being beautiful? Sometimes I would pray, "O Lord, instead of this beautiful body give me peace, give my husbands peace, return peace to Aryavart. Taking all my beauty make the earth beautiful, make the human heart beautiful!" But who would listen to my prayer? I saw that on account of prayer and celibacy my complexion wa
s improving. My body was gleaming with an other-worldly radiance. I was becoming even more beautiful. It was as though fate was deliberately pouring out all beauty over me alone, to torment me.