by Pratibha Ray
Bhim would labour hard day and night. After his arrival, the other cooks began handing over their work to him and relaxing. Bhim did not care about this. Preparing tasty food he would serve everyone. After everyone had eaten, he would sit down with the vessels and finish off all that was left. Before coming to Virat, he was the one who was the first to eat after food was made ready. The slightest delay in cooking and he would raise a storm. Where food was concerned, all his patience and knowledge vanished. And here with what great difficulty he remained hungry till the last man had eaten. He fed others. Keeping his mouth closed, controlling his greed, he served food to others. I would break into tears, thinking, the moment food was ready with what love I used to feed Bhim and here I was but a servant! What rights did I have here!
When Bhim would sit down to eat then maidservants, cooks and others all would gather round to watch the performance and laugh. They would say, 'The poor chap has never seen such royal food. Thanks to his good fortune he has got employed here. Now he is in seventh heaven".
I wished I could slap the faces of these maidservants, but I had to control my anger. I would say, "I have heard that prince Bhim of Hastinapur also used to eat like this. For him the ability to consume great quantities of food is something to be proud of, as he is a prince. But Vallabh is a cook. Therefore, this ability looks like the greed of poverty. Who knows, tomorrow even Vallabh might become a king. His strength is like a king's."
The maidservants would collapse in giggles, "When Vallabh becomes king you may be a queen. This must be the fantasy you are indulging in. If with five husbands you are fated to become a servant, then what is the harm in depending on Vallabh? Whether he becomes a king or not, his appearance is certainly that of a king." Then with an obscene gesture they would laugh shrilly. And I, furious and disgusted, would rise and leave.
Life was going on in the midst of this anguish burning within me. Only Uttara was the sole oasis in this desert. Looking at Uttara I used to forget the sorrow of separation from my children. Her flawless delicate beauty, pure youth would cool my agitated heart and make it honeyed and soft. Embracing her, I would sometimes say, "If my son were a prince I would make you my daughter-in-law. And if by some miracle my son should win royal throne then it is you who will become his bride." With the curiosity of youth Uttara would ask, "When you are so beautiful, how handsome must your sons be! If your gandharv husbands are so powerful, so valorous then will not their sons be valiant too?"
I would describe Abhimanyu's beauty, valour and superhuman genius to Uttara. She too would listen entranced and say, "I believe that only he who is brave and handsome deserves to be king. If the king's son is unfit then why should he have any right to the kingdom?"
I, too, would silently support this statement of Uttara's. I would think that if this would be so then the ruler of Hastinapur would not be Duryodhan but Karna. But it was the jest of fate that Karna was not a prince, that was why all his valour was being mocked.
When Uttara and I sat together talking to. each other, my sorrow would hide somewhere. I would become fresh, beautiful, normal. That was when Keechak would come and tease Uttara. Keeping Uttara in-between he would gesture to me in various ways indicating his lust. The attraction which I felt within me for a man's valour, courage and learning, to the same extent I detested his lust and blind desire. Therefore, I was disgusted with Keechak. He sent several gifts to me through the maidservant, Malati. I returned them. Ultimately, he sent me a letter setting down his naked lust. I threw it into the fire. In reply I told the maid, "Tell lust-crazed Keechak — why is he inviting sure death? For him, I am a poison-woman."
But Keechak was shameless. A debauch was like a beast and what shame did a beast have? What insult could it feel?
On finding an opportunity, I told Yudhishthir about Keechak's conduct. For, at this time, Arjun had no strength, manhood and he was unarmed. If I told Bhim he would react so violently that our disguises would be revealed. Our lord was Yudhishthir. I had thought that by telling him my grief would end. But he remained indifferent. Before justice, dharma, tolerance, forgiveness and generosity his wife's honour, helplessness, grief, pain and insult were nothing to him. Seeing my bewilderment, helplessness, anger and disgust, he would recite ethical axioms to me, "Yajnaseni! You are intelligent and learned. If a person does not protect himself, no one can save him. Carefully avoid falling victim to Keechak's lust. Do not do anything whereby our secret will be in danger. For, then we will be helpless. The time to reveal our identity has not yet come. With so many beautiful women in Virat's palace, why did Keechak's eyes fasten on you? You ought to have been careful from the beginning..."
There was no chance to give vent to my anger. I could not even relieve myself by shrieking aloud. Yudhishthir was not the type of husband to whom you could convey anything by shedding tears. I had wept before him and would not weep again. This had been my vow since long. He who did not give any importance to hurt and reproach, sulking before him was ridiculous. For, his own hurt in my sulking increased the flow of my tears. If tears could be freely shed before anyone that was before the open-minded, blunt-of-speech, Bhim. If he perceived the truth behind my tears, he would even cross the ocean for me. But I was afraid of him. If he heard that Keechak's wicked eyes were on me, he was sure to kill him. And the result would be that the secret of our identities would be out.
With great care I tried my best to protect myself. Then I surrendered myself to God. The husband was the wife's God. If he was unable to protect his wife then how could he be God? Only the man who could protect could be God. Therefore, placing sakha Krishna on God's pedestal, I used to worship him. It was he who was my friend in danger, my saviour. Therefore, he was my God, the lord of my heart, to be remembered every dawn — my most intimate friend. Even if he was afar, by establishing his presence in the heart I used to avert danger.
48
That day arrangements for some celebration had been made in Virat's inner apartments. It was Sudeshna herself who was presiding over the celebrations. Yudhishthir was playing dice with Virat after a meal. Bhim was busy in the kitchen. Arjun was occupied in dancing. Nakul was looking after the horses of the guests. Sahadev was preoccupied in the stables, as usual.
Uttara and I were seated near queen Sudeshna. Everyone was enchanted with Brihannala's dancing. Only I was suffocating. That Phalguni, who in the svayamvar hall had defeated all the warriors and won Krishnaa, was dancing among women to entertain them in the private apartments! What irony of fate!
All were laughing. I was biting my lips and striving to hold back the tears. That is when queen Sudeshna gravely said, "Sairandhri! Take a vessel and bring scented wine from Keechak's rooms."
In a hurt tone I said, "Maharani! I had told you beforehand that I would not perform any low task. At this time Keechak is drunk. In this condition it is insulting and dangerous for any woman to enter the rooms of a lust-crazed man. Therefore, excuse me."
Queen Sudeshna had never treated me as a servant. She had kept me as though I were her dear. But today in a stern voice she said, "You know the consequences of disobeying my command, wife-of-five-husbands, Sairandhri?"
I stood up. Was Sudeshna hatching some sort of a plot to gratify her brother's lust? We needed shelter for a few months more. Otherwise all our efforts would go to waste. Calling on Krishna, carrying the vessel for wine, I stumbled towards Keechak's apartments.
I knew that I was entering a blazing fire, advancing towards unfathomable depths of an ocean, answering the call of a ravening beast to quench his lust. Before Keechak's strength I was insignificant. Despite my five husbands being present, it was I who would have to protect myself. My womanhood was in danger, still my feet must press forward. Even the criminal condemned to the stake walked up to it, not by his own wish, but his feet moved on that path by royal command. My condition was precisely the same. There was no difference between jumping into a hungry tiger's cage and setting foot in Keechak's rooms.
At Keechak's door I b
roke down in helplessness. Calling on Krishna, I said in my mind, "Sakha, it is you who are my God! My beloved! The honour and insult of your dear sakhi Krishnaa is all yours. Save my honour."
Keechak was lying in wait. The moment he saw me he stepped forward with both arms outstretched. Seeing this sudden assault, I gave him a hard push. Losing balance, he fell down. Like a frightened deer I fled and reached the place where Virat and Yudhishthir were playing dice. Keechak in his drunken state rushed behind me. In front of everyone catching hold of my hair he threw me down and kicking me showered obscene abuse on me. Amazing! Yudhishthir went on casting dice unperturbed. He did not even raise his head to look at me! Bhim suddenly arrived there. Forgetting everything in his fury, he was but looking at a large sapling when Yudhishthir anticipated him and said, "Mr cook, what is the matter? What do you have to do here? If you want wood, go to the jungle. Do not disturb the game here." At Yudhishthir's command, controlling his fury, Bhim went away from there.
Shaking with rage and insult I addressed king Virat, so that Yudhishthir could hear, "The paths to justice are barred from all sides to women. Debauched men outrage me and insult me in public, but regarding it as inconsequential without interfering in it you keep playing dice. If the king does not protect a woman then he ought to grant her permission to commit suicide."
King Virat remained silent. His kingship was dependent on Keechak's strength of arms. What could he answer? On his behalf, Yudhishthir replied, "Sairandhri, we do not know the full facts of the case. So how can justice be done? You should retire to the inner apartments. Matters relating to women cannot be discussed in the royal court. Those who are in charge of the private apartments will look into this matter. At this time they are all engaged in the celebrations. Therefore, let this night pass. It might be that one of your gandharv husbands might arrive to take revenge for this insult. Go, inform Vallabh to arrange for the night's food early. Tonight everyone will rest for all will be tired. See that our game is not disturbed."
Yudhishthir cast the dice again. Wiping my tears, I returned after saying, "Perhaps only after my chastity has been violated will my gandharv husbands take notice. Then it is only my corpse that they will find. By giving them my all as my husbands, perhaps I committed a sin. What I am suffering is the punishment for that. My eldest husband cannot tolerate any disturbance in his dice-game. It is because of this game that my very life has been choked out of me. Despite being aware of this, he does not bother. If my respect for him lessens should he blame me for that?"
Yudhishthir bowed his head and remained silent. I came away. I understood his hint and told Bhim everything. According to Bhim's advice I begged Keechak's pardon and invited him to meet me at midnight. Seizing this chance, Bhim finished him off. Regarding Bhim as God I pranam-ed him, letting my tears fall on his feet. The whole night on the dirt floor of the kitchen, I kept shedding tears of gratitude on Bhim's broad chest. He kept petting me, consoling me, encouraging me to live on.
In the morning it appeared that my gandharv husband had fought with Keechak and killed him. My status in the inner apartments increased. It seemed to me that the night of sorrow was about to end.
The news of Keechak's death spread like lightning throughout Aryavart. The greed of the Kauravs was whetted. They attacked to loot the wealth of Virat. On account of Keechak's absence, Virat was weak. Defeat was inevitable. The king made preparations to surrender. But cleverly the Pandavs defeated the Kauravs and Karna. Virat's independence remained intact. Worsted in battle, the Kauravs returned to Hastinapur. Later, getting to know the true identity of the Pandavs, Virat was delighted. The hoped for day of liberation arrived. The exile of the Pandavs came to an end with a battle. Who knew what the future had in store?
49
After thirteen years of suffering the first fulfilment of a wish occurred in the auspicious wedding of Uttara and Abhimanyu. Virat proposed that Uttara be married to valiant Phalguni. But pure of conduct, virtuous Phalguni explained, "I am Uttara's dance-teacher, like her father. Therefore, it will be desirable for her to marry my son, Abhimanyu." For the first time the secret desires of my heart were being given voice by Phalguni.
With great pomp the wedding of Abhimanyu with Uttara was celebrated. Subhadra, Balaram, all the eight queens of Krishna, my five sons, my father, brother and many other kings came to participate in the marriage. Only mother Kunti could not manage to come. She lay unwell in Vidur's home.
Enchanted with the young bride's flawless radiant beauty, Subhadra said, "Elder sister-in-law, although in beauty your daughter-in-law will not be able to surpass you, still it is difficult to find anyone as lovely as her. Now I leave the responsibility of finding other daughters-in-law to you. I have five more sons Choose carefully for them beautiful princesses. They must such that even you will be outshone by them."
Everyone was laughing aloud at Subhadra's words. With a deep sigh I said, "Let them first become worthy men. Since their very birth they have been scattered here and there. Who knows what fate has in store for them..."
For so many days I roamed in the forests, leaving my sons elsewhere. Today I lacked the courage to call them my own. Still, hearing Subhadra's words how many matters typical of a mother's heart awoke in me! In fantasy, I began to see my five sons wearing crowns, flanked by flawlessly lovely princesses. My eyes filled with tears. What other joy did I want? This was enough. If this dream came true, I would then retire to the forest.
After the wedding, taking Abhimanyu and Uttara with us, Subhadra and I left for Vidur's home. Mother Kunti's blessings had to be taken.
Tormented by the sufferings of her sons, perhaps it was mother Kunti who was the most delighted by this marriage. In, advanced age, lying in bed, for diverting the mind from the sorrows and pains of life, the young bride Uttara was an enchanting toy. In Uttara's happy domestic life perhaps Kunti could forget her traumatic conjugal life and sorrowful motherhood.
Om shantih, shantih, shantih! Efforts to establish peace on the one hand; on the other the challenge to battle. In the midst of this, all my dreams about the rest of my life were ground into the dust.
The Pandavs completed the year of disguise after the twelve years of exile in the forest. By all canons of justice their half of the kingdom, Indraprasth, ought to be handed back to them. But all the efforts went to waste on account of the selfishness and sinful plots of the arrogant, jealous, wicked Kauravs. After this, what other alternative except war was possible?
If peaceful understanding is possible then what is the need for war? Man is inclined towards peace. It is the beast that incessantly engages in quarrels, bloodshed and fighting. But invariably the final result of war has only been death, lamentation, bloodshed, destruction. One party wins, but both sides suffer heavy losses. The loss that society faces because of war makes victory and defeat ultimately equal for the victor. Therefore, till the very last, war ought to be put off and Yudhishthir was engaged in seeking out a peaceful solution to the problem.
Father Drupad had gone to Flastinapur with his priest for evolving a peaceful solution. He returned in despair. The Kauravs were not prepared to part with anything. Therefore war remained the only alternative. Hearing of the warlike preparations of the Pandavs, Dhritarashtra despatched Sanjay as messenger to the Pandav camp with the advice to abjure conflict. However, this meant that they ought to become mendicants. He said, "O king! Without battle the Kauravs will not give you even five villages. Therefore, you are preparing for battle. Getting a kingdom by war will you get peace? The kingdom that you will get through the death of friends, brothers, well-wishers — what peace will it get you? What is the value of joy got through bloodshed in this evanescent life? This is but another name for sorrow. If you want to win your kingdom through bloodshed, then what was the point of suffering exile for thirteen years? All your nobility, virtue, merit and fame will be destroyed by war. Therefore, O King! however heroic you might be, do not engage in so heinous an activity as war to win wealth and kingdom. Rather than th
is, living by begging is superior. It will be appropriate to build a hut in the forest and live as a sannyasi, renouncing this world."
Yudhishthir was lost in thought. He had ever opposed war. But in this situation would it be proper for a kshatriya warrior to return to the forest without fighting?
Noticing Yudhishthir's worried face, Bhim said, "Begging might be a brahmin's dharma, but it will be adharma for a kshatriya. Brother! Have you forgotten the injustices of the Kauravs — the insulting of Draupadi, the lacquer-house conspiracy, sending us to barren Khandavprasth? This adharma of the Kauravs is nothing new. Because of the jealousy of blind Dhritarashtra our virtuous and peace-loving father, Pandu, despite being the king of Hastinapur, was forced to spend most of his life in the forest along with his wives. It was in the forest that he died. Our mother, Kunti, is a royal queen, queen-mother, but has taken shelter with uncle in poverty and sorrow. Leave aside our own lives. Whatever we have borne from birth till now has been the result of the injustice, adharma, lies, unfairness of the Kauravs. It is unjust to seize other's property or wife through battle. But to fight for winning back what is justly ours is the glory of manhood. Till now we have suffered everything. More cannot be borne. If we let this suitable opportunity for takng revenge for the insult to Draupadi slip by, life will not be worth living."
In a calm voice Arjun said, "Do not be excited, brother! We have here our sakha Krishna, the wisest and most just man of Aryavart. It is he who will decide the course of our future action."
Sakha Krishna was seated quietly, listening to everything unmoved. In a grave, resonant voice he spoke, "I desire the welfare of both the Kauravs and the Pandavs. I want their conflict to be resolved. Even now the peace-making efforts are continuing. Today dharma and peace are in danger in Aryavart. Our aim is that they are re-established. If the Kauravs are not agreeable to peace then it is war that shall have to be the last alternative. Now the issue is not restricted to the individual disputes between the Pandavs and the Kauravs. It is no longer a family quarrel. It is now a conflict between dharma and adharma, ideals and meanness, truth and falsehood, virtue and sin. Therefore, for the sake of dharma, ideals, peace and the welfare of mankind, to suffer, if necessary, bloodshed, loss of life and property is the dharma of kshatriyas. Now the unity and integrity of all Aryavart is in danger. If Aryavart falls to pieces, seizing the opportunity, gods or demons will gobble it up. Aryavart will lose its identity and then will come the darkness of subjection. In that, not only the Kauravs and the Pandavs but all the innocent inhabitants of Aryavart will lose their peace, joy and good fortune. Therefore, now the question is of the integrity of the country, of protecting dharma. Whether it is the Kauravs or the Pandavs who are deserving, if they who deserve it do not get their rights, then in the interest of the general welfare it will be necessary to go to war. If the Pandavs discarding attachment to the kingdom become forest-dwellers, it will not harm them. The harm will be suffered by the innumerable inhabitants of Aryavart. It is proper for the reins of the kingdom to be placed in the hands of the righteous, the just, the good ruler. Cattle, brahmins, children, women, dharma, tradition — all are in danger today. The goal of this great war will be their protection. If the proposal for truce is not acceptable to them, then it will be war."