by Pratibha Ray
I was stunned. Knowing the grief of the destruction of a family, despite being a woman, how could she curse someone else? Moreover, it was the glory of the Yadavs, the perfect man, Krishna, whom she had cursed. Was this the generosity of her maternal heart? A woman does not become a mother by giving birth to a hundred sons. The mother's heart is vast like the sky itsef. It is all-enduring like the earth. Like the sea it keeps hidden gems of compassion.
There was heard in ma Kunti's low voice a prayer, "O Vasudev! Without your allowing it, the destruction of the Yadavs cannot occur by anyone's curse. O Madhusudan! May not even the enemy suffer the grief of losing his family, his sons. Only this is my prayer."
Krishna smiled in that crematorium, "Devi Gandhari! You have the power of some merit and that happiness shall certainly be yours. For my relatives and family, addicted to liquor, will fight amongst themselves and die. For establishing dharma it is necessary to destroy adharma. Therefore, if my sons discard the path of truth, then tomorrow falling into the grasp of time they shall be destroyed root and branch. Exactly thirty-six years from now there shall be the change of an era in the stream of time and your curse will bear fruit."
Even God Himself accepted a heartless curse for proving the power of the merit earned by a woman.
The flames of the pyres shot up higher and higher with all the unguents and oil poured into them. In death-desiring, grief-overwhelmed hearts, there was a portion of waking life. As though the upward shooting flames of the pyres were warning, "Become vast. Lose yourself in the being of the creator. Then whatever be your sorrows and grief, you will be able to overcome them. The significance of life will be realised."
56
Thirty-six years of ruling the kingdom without sons and friends was, for Yudhishthir, the curse of the acts done by him. At every moment the sad, accusing eyes of the sonless widows of Hastinapur would condemn him, "This is that king Yudhishthir, the very soul of dharma! Obsessed with dicing, he lost his kingdom and wife and laid the foundations of war. Ultimately, having lost everything, he is enjoying the kingdom! The cause of the sorrows of innumerable subjects is none but Maharaj Yudhishthir."
I shared their sorrow. Fifteen years went by in serving blind Dhritarashtra, Gandhari and ma Kunti. Later, deciding that they would pass the rest of their lives in the forest, ma Gandhari, Kunti and Dhritarashtra left.
At the time of departure, ma Kunti said, holding Yudhishthir's hand, "Son! No one is as unfortunate as I am. Even after getting the kingdom, I never had the joy of being a queen-mother. For, I kept ignoring and being unjust to a son like Karna all his life, ultimately lost him. Every instant it is this sorrow that keeps stabbing me to the heart. Now at the end this is my request: Son: On the anniversary of his death, perform the shraddh of your eldest brother, Karna; pray for the peace and happiness of his soul. I never observed his birthday publicly. There is no hesitation in asking you to observe his death anniversary."
Tears were flowing when Ma left. There was no sorrow in her for leaving behind the five sons. Because of recalling the death anniversary of her ever-ignored son, sorrow for him was overwhelming her.
Now no other work was left. No elders were left to be served! Nor sons and daughters to be loved and petted. Life became a painful burden. Time passed with great difficulty.
Only one support was left, sakha Krishna ! He came from time to time. We too visited him. Some time was passed in this manner. Sitting together, Arjun and I sometimes remembered sakha and spent the time discussing him. Arjun recounted the philosophy expounded by sakha on the battlefield. How many memories bloom like flowers in the garden of the mind! One has to go on living with the help of memories.
The ninth day came to mind, when grandfather Bhishma had vowed to destroy the Pandavs the next day. Consternation broke out in the Pandav camp. When life was at stake, who could sleep?
Sakha Krishna came to me, 'The chariot is ready. Come, let us go to a place." I asked, "Where have I to go so late at night with you?"
Laughing, sakha said, "If it was a matter of taking you somewhere then I would have done that long ago. You cannot understand sakha even now? At least on this moonlit night it is hardly the hour for taking a turn with you in the chariot!"
I got into the chariot. It stopped near the Kaurav camp. At night, near the Kaurav camp! What did I have to do there? Was it that for saving the lives of the Pandavs sakha would present me as a gift to the Kauravs?
In the dark, sakha was walking on, leading me by the hand. He said, "Go carefully so that even your footsteps are not heard, no one's sleep is distrubed. We have to go straight to Grandfather's tent. If the Kauravs wake up, danger will arise." I took off my footwear and was about to put them down when sakha took them from my hand saying, "There might be some noise in keeping them down. What if someone wakes up? Noticing female footwear outside Bhishma's tent they will grow suspicious, and then all will be spoilt." I saw sakha standing with my slippers in his hand! I was overwhelmed with shame and embarrassment. Even in such a dangerous moment he jested, "Any valiant prince of Aryavart will count it his good fortune to take these slippers in his hands or even on his heart or head. Fate has placed this luck in my hand today. Do not delay, go ahead."
I immediately went on ahead and bowed down to the ground at the feet of Grandfather. In the faint light Grandfather could not recognise me. Perhaps it was some woman with a complaint. Automatically the words, "May you be fortunate!" escaped his mouth.
Oh! Now I was able to comprehend sakha's words. Pushing back the anchal from my forehead I said, "Grandfather! May your words be true, this is my only prayer." Recognising me he was full of astonishment. "Daughter Krishnaa! Who suggested this plan to come to the Kaurav camp so late at night for hearing these very words? Who but Krishna can do this..."
I recalled that sakha was standing outside, slippers in hand! I was most embarrassed. What could I say to Grandfather?
Knowing that the purpose had been achieved, sakha also came inside and said, "Now please keep your word. You have given her the blessing to remain fortunate. Then how can you with any justice destroy the Pandavs?"
Grandfather laughed, "Krishna! I had heard of your games. But today I have seen it with my own eyes. You are roaming around in Hastina with Krishnaa's slippers? It is difficult for lifelong celibate Bhishma to appreciate what joy you get in doing footwear-service to women! However, when you have taken so much trouble, there is no alternative to telling the Pandavs tomorrow of the secret of my death. Now you may rest assured regarding the Pandavs."
Krishna laughed and said, "What trouble is there in this? It is because of your vow that I got the chance of picking up the slippers of Draupadi. There is so much joy in doing this work."
In the presence of Grandfather I was dissolving in embarrassment. What had sakha not done for us! He ate my left-overs, picked up my slippers, became my husband's charioteer, drove the chariot. Today I understood that there was nothing that Krishna could not do for his devotees.
The perfume evaporated from the dried petals of flowers offered to gods yet the fragrance of sandalwood and frankincense kept coming. There was no joy in the pain-and-sorrow-filled experiences of the past but the memory of Krishna, like the fragrance of sandalwood and frankincense, filled the mind with pure bliss. Everyday I would think: "Krishna! It is because of you that I live. It is you who are before my eyes in waking, sleepng, dreaming. When Phalguni and I sit, it is sakha who is between us." After the death of Karna, Phalguni had completed his vow. There was the opportunity to lead a conjugal life once more with me, but that inclination itself no longer remained. The loss of sons and the guilt of the killing of Karna had turned the mind away from worldly pleasures. Therefore, whenever we were together, sorrow would split us into two. That was when the thought of Krishna would unite our souls, revealing the new significance of life. Finding me overwhelmed with grief, Arjun would speak about Krishna and when Arjun would be depressed, I would take refuge in memories of Krishna. For keeping the five husba
nds happy, I would send word to Krishna from time to time to visit us. For driving away the post-war sorrow, what recourse was available to us other than Krishna?
57
Year after year passed by. To save the Yadav clan from destruction Krishna prohibited drinking of liquor in the kingdom. I thought that even if Dvaraka should be submerged still if Krishna was there, everything for us was there. Who could destroy him who was self-born?
Sakha had not come for many days. News reached us that Krishna had called Arjun to Dvaraka. After Arjun left for Dvaraka I felt a little hurt — so he felt like meeting sakha, but did not think of sakhi!
But the news with which Arjun returned — would I be able to describe that? The very sky seemed to have collapsed on me; the earth seemed to have slipped from under my feet. Fighting amongst themselves after getting drunk, the Yadav clan had destroyed itself. Balaram had accepted death. Krishna Vasudev had left this mortal frame being struck down by the arrow of the Shabar Jara. Having performed the obsequies of Krishna and Balaram, Arjun had returned with Krishna's grandson, Vajra.
The great passing of Krishna had taken place! The end of an era had come about. Arjun became powerless, and I, lifeless. I thought, Time is the most powerful force. No one has the power to escape Time. The terrible Kaliyuga was, as though, only waiting for Krishna's passing. After the beginning of the Kaliyuga it seemed to Yudhishthir, the incarnation of non-violence and dharma, that the time had arrived for the great departure, that now he had become unfit for the royal throne. No, in the Kaliyuga, Yudhishthir, devoted to justice, could not remain on the throne. It was this dilemma that faced me.
The throne remains, kings change. Men come and go but the mighty current of Time keeps flowing. Without Krishna, the Pandavs were as justice without dharma! Everyone knew that the time for Yudhishthir to abdicate had arrived.
Parikshit, son of Abhimanyu and Arjun's grandson, was installed king of Hastina. Vajra, the grandson of Krishna, became king of Indraprasth. Handing over the burden of the kingdom to the last scions of both sakhas, Yudhishthir was at peace.
He assigned their responsibility to Subhadra. Obeying Yudhishthir's wish, I left for the Himalayas with the five husbands for climbing to svarg.
Reaching svarg in one's own body was no small temptation. If that temptation was rejected then it was not possible to climb to svarg. I had left behind kingdom, wealth, possessions, everything. But had greed left me? Was life without greed possible!
Looking back, I saw Maya running behind us. Maya did not leave me! Why? Like some bond, Maya was pulling me back. Why?
A creature is bound by the triple thread of the three gunas: sattva, rajas, tamas. Tamas gives birth to attachment. From rajas come addiction and desire. Sattva produces purity. Still, sattva was a bond. If tamas and rajas were shackles of iron then sattva was a chain of gold. Therefore, even though the desire to reach svarg through the Himalayas was sattvik, it seemed to me like chains of gold round my ankles. For, even this had been transformed into an attachment for me. If the desire for getting a kingdom was shackles of iron then wasn't the desire to attain svarg a chain of gold?
Who was free of attachment? I? My husbands? could a man who had attachment achieve svarg?
Attachment blinds a person. But to proceed onwards, some attachment, some desire for results does exist within a person. Therefore, like a blind man, without considering what is right and what is wrong, he keeps walking on the path, just like us.
While walking on I mused: "What did I get in this birth? What did I lose? Why did I come? What task was accomplished through me? What ought to have been done by me?
"Food, sleep, sex, the pleasure of a kingdom, etc. — I got everything in life. Still it seems that my life has remained unfulfilled. What is wanting? Why have I borne so much sorrow, grief, pain, in life? I feel that with Yudhishthir as husband any woman will have to suffer..."
And while thinking thus, my feet slipped on the golden dust of the Himalayas.
My five husbands, whom I had regarded even as my five senses all through life and who had been my companions in life after life, did not even look back. They kept on walking straight ahead on the path to svarg. I was alone at death's door!
Bhim's voice could be heard, "Brother! Draupadi has fallen down!" Yudhishthir said in a steady voice, "Draupadi is herself responsible for her fall. She was too fond of Arjun. It is this that is her sin. Bhim, keep down your mace here. It is the mace that is your arrogance. There is no place for arrogance in svarg. Do not turn to look back. Keep going."
Obeying his brother's command, Bhim put down his mace and went forward. As a sign of the journey of the Pandavs to svarg Bhim's mace lay on the breast of the Himalayas.
It was here that ma Kunti, Gandhari, Dhritarashtra, virtuous Vidur had also spent the last days of their lives. That is where I lie. Ahead the temple of Bharat is visible. It was on this path that Bharat, the devoted and obedient younger brother of Ram, had proceeded into the solitary reaches of the Himalayas for penance. At the time of our forest-exile Yudhishthir got this temple built here. Today after doing pranam in the Bharat temple all five left me behind and travelled on.
Pride is an obstacle on the path to svarg. Can anyone be free of pride in this world? I was the royal queen of Hastina. Sacrificing father, sons, brother, friends — everyone, I had won the status of queen. How can it be that there will be no pride in my mind? There was enough scope for pride in that life. But even that life did not seem fulfilled to me. Today I lie alone on the way to death. My arrogance has certainly been removed. But helplessness is waiting to swallow me up. Helplessness is filling me with a sense of want. Today I am realising that life is not just pride, and nor is it only full of helplessness. It is between these two that the stream of life keeps flowing. Both pride and helplessness have significant roles to play in life. Pride by itself blinds a person, while helplessness fills him with a sense of want. But if the pride and helplessness, instead of being petty, are noble then life becomes fulfilled. Then man thinks: "O Lord! I am but your creation and that is the source of my pride." Then when he thinks that all his strength, all his support is He alone, then his soul soars upwards and the doors of svarg open up to receive it.
Today I, too, offering my pride and helplessness to you, am becoming noble. Without you, both pride and helplessness of man are meaningless, fruitless.
58
Whose is this sweet flute? It is cleansing this bleeding interior, making a stream of feelings flow. Someone is humming in my ears, "Life is not for enjoyment, but for feeling." Who is showing me the path, drawing me away from a life of pleasure to a life of feeling? Calling me, "Come...come...I am waiting for you!" Who is this invisible companion? Is it Maya?
No. Maya slipped, fell down and died long back. The name of this door of the Ganga in the Himalayas is Mayapuri. On setting foot here, Maya disappears. I am now free of Maya. It was Maya that had kept me in bondage. I kept agonising in grief, sorrow, insult. And not recognising that enchanting Maya I would say, "O sakha Krishna! It is you who are paining me." Truly, how much did I have to suffer on account of failing to know you? What was my fault? Whenever I resolved to annihilate my ego and turn to you, Maya blocked my way. She turned my mind downward. Today death appears more pleasant than life. For, life was ruled by Maya, while death is freeing me from Maya.
Sakha! Annihilate me for my drawbacks, annihilate me! Throughout life I kept demanding — give, give me happiness, prosperity, worldly pleasure. You gave me everything. You also poured into my lap all the sorrows of the world. Today I am asking for something else — take me, take me, O Krishna! Finish me, exhaust me! Make me indivisible. He who is not separate from you is the true devotee. Am I not your devotee? O sakha, will you be able to deny this?
Sakha! Dearest of all! I shall not ask anything for myself. I am asking this for this beautiful earth, the last thing I beg in this life. You are God. There is nothing that you cannot give. Will you not give what I ask for?
The first
thing I ask for — O Krishna Vasudev! Whatever has happened in my life — let it not be repeated in the life of any other woman. Lay down a rule that no woman will ever have several husbands at a time. Keeping myself indivisible, the pain of being divided is known to me.
The second thing — Compassionate Krishna! Do not let even the enemy grieve for his sons. There is no grief in the world greater than this. Who knows this more than me?
The third thing — the pain that I suffered in the court. Let no other woman in the world ever have to go through this. Make women beautiful, but do not make men so lustful.
The fourth thing I ask is for this world, for the coming dynasties of this Kalyuga. O Krishna, supreme worker of welfare, I have suffered one war. Even now the mother's heart in me hears the lamentation of mother earth. Therefore I request that because of race, religion, language and colour let no country split into parts like Hastina and Indraprasth. Inequality is the variety of Your creation. Let not the integrity, unity and purity of any country be destroyed, because of this. I have suffered the consequences of the great war. Both sides fighting in a war suffer losses. Both the victor and the vanquished lose their friends and relations. Civilization, culture, wealth, life — all vanish.
From lord Vyas I have heard that five thousand years from now man will reach the pinnacle of achievement of civilization, culture and science. With the help of science he will establish contact with planets and stars. Then if, because of a wrong decision, power-hungry persons launch a great war, what a terrible situation will arise on account of the weapons created by that very science! O saviour in distress, Krishna, on the destruction of this world it is you who will labour for a new creation and civilization. O Creator! Therefore, as you went to Hastina in Dvapar for establishing peace, similarly, for giving warning in advance, why do you not whisper into the ears of the thoughtful people of Kaliyuga in the honeyed tone of your flute, Shantih! Shantih! Shantih!