by Luke Young
The gunman took a few steps back and wore a disappointed frown as he motioned for Brian to lose the shirt.
“Okay.” After taking off the shirt, Brian grabbed his belt then his eyes widened. “Can I ask one favor?”
“What?”
“I’m sorta not wearing any underwear and would you mind if I got my pair of emergency shorts from the trunk?”
“What the hell are emergency shorts?” The man made a face. “Do you shit yourself a lot?”
“No, you see, um, I keep ending up naked in front of str…” Brian waved his hands in the air, “… it’s a long story.”
“Okay. Okay,” the man grumbled. “Just hurry up.”
Brian headed for the trunk as the man kept the gun pointed at him. He glanced at his shoes. “Geez, those are Varvatos shoes too. They’re like six hundred dollars, right?”
“Something like that.”
“What size.”
“Nine.”
“Small feet, huh?”
“My feet aren’t that small.” After opening the trunk, Brian pulled a small plastic bag containing a pair of shorts out of a box.
“Most men are like an eleven dude.” The man studied the bag in Brian’s hand. “You really can fit a pair of shorts in there?”
“I designed this myself.”
“That’s so cool.” Smiling, the man reached out to touch the bag.
“I know, right?” Brian said proudly.
The man’s smile faded as he seemingly pulled himself back to reality. He looked around. “Come on. Let’s wrap this up.”
He dropped his pants and handed them before shyly turning away. The man with the gun glanced at Brian’s junk then looked away, holding back a laugh. After grabbing the shorts out of the bag, Brian pulled them on.
The man wore a silly grin and Brian gave him a look. “What is it?”
“Nothing.” The man headed toward the driver’s door.
“No, what is it?”
“It’s just…” Turning back, he sneered. “I guess what they say about small feet is true.”
Brian shot him an insulted look.
The man climbed into the car and pulled the door closed. He lowered the window and returned his gaze to his victim. “Sorry man.”
“Hey, just for the record I’m a grower.”
“Oh, sure you are.” The man curled his lip as he pulled Brian’s wallet out of the suit pants pocket, opened it up, and removed the cash.
“I swear.”
“I believe you.” After tossing the wallet out the window, he sped away laughing.
Brian was too busy checking out the fit of his shorts and basking in the knowledge that the little project he’s been working on for the last month or so was already paying dividends.
15
While the grower was adjusting his package in his tight running shorts, a few miles away, the consummate shower was sitting across from Victoria in her office.
Victoria took a sip from her teacup as Peter shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I think I would like to set up another session with Darla. I found it very helpful.”
Victoria tapped her chin. “I’m not sure another session is necessary.”
“Why’s that?”
“The tests proved your erectile issue was not physiological and I don’t believe that it is psychological either.”
“Then what do you think is the problem?”
“Um…” She frowned slightly. “Peter, let me ask you something.”
“Okay,” he replied hesitantly.
“Are you aware of your… um, the unusual nature of your—”
“My penis, right?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, God, I knew it.” He sighed. “I could see it in her eyes. I could sense that Darla was… there is something wrong with it isn’t there?”
“Well, no. I wouldn’t say wrong.” She lifted her palms in the air. “Everyone is different.”
“Different?”
“During our previous session you mentioned that you’ve never watched porn.” She giggled, politely. “Not that that would give you any concept of the size of normal male genitalia.”
“What are you trying to tell me?”
“Have you had any experience seeing men like in the shower at school or the gym?” She took a sip from her teacup.
“No. What are you saying? Is it too… small?” he asked sheepishly.
She choked and tea dribbled out of her mouth. She scrambled to find a napkin and wiped her blouse and her face. After coughing and clearing her throat, she said, “Sorry, um, no that’s not what I’m trying to say.”
Peter moved to the edge of his seat. “Doctor Wilde, please tell me the truth. I’ve been living with this for such a long time and if there is something wrong with me, I just want to know what it is.”
“Peter, your penis is large.”
“Really?” He looked at her confused.
“In fact, even without official measurements… um, purely from my visual inspection during your session with Darla I’d say you were in the top one percent maybe even one-half of one percent of men.”
He slumped back in his chair and shook his head. “I had no idea.”
“Have you ever measured it?”
“No.”
“The average length of a penis is right around six inches.” Victoria opened a drawer and pulled out a lifelike replica of the average erect male penis. She stood it up on her desk. “This is approximately what that looks like.”
His eyes bugged out of his head. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Wow.”
“So your erectile problems are almost certainly due to your unusual size. The body can only supply so much blood and for only so long to your genital area—without proper stimulation, of course.”
“This is…” His jaw dropped open and he shook his head. “So all this time I’ve been worrying that there was something wrong with me.”
“Your size does present certain challenges with sex. Your girth could make oral sex difficult and you must be careful when thrusting during normal intercourse because of your length.”
“Okay.” He sighed. “This is a lot to take in.”
“Tell me about it,” Victoria mumbled.
“What’d you say?”
“Oh, nothing. So, none of the women you were with previously, ever mentioned this or gave you any indication about your…” Victoria motioned toward his groin with her hand.
“No, they didn’t.”
“Well, the vagina also comes in various sizes.”
“Really?”
“Yes, and I think with the right partner you would be able to enjoy a mostly normal and healthy sex life.”
16
When a patrol car spotted a man wearing only tight running shorts, dark socks, and dress shoes walking along the road wearing an odd grin, they, of course, questioned him thoroughly. The man’s unusually cheery demeanor after having just been car jacked and left basically naked had the officers skeptical of his tale.
When Jillian arrived at the station, she was slightly panicked. She came upon her husband seated in the waiting room, wearing an odd look on his face and staring down to the floor. Wearing tight, thin, running shorts, dark socks and shoes, plus a bright orange Police Family Association Tenth Annual Picnic T-shirt, he was most certainly an unusual sight.
She stood in front of him and cocked her head. “Are you okay?”
There was no response from him.
She sat and placed her hand on his shoulder. “Brian, are you okay?”
“What?” He slowly lifted his gaze to her wearing a seemingly shocked expression.
“On my God, did he hurt you?”
“What?” He looked at her confused.
“Did he hurt you?”
“No.” He shook his head, smiling. “But it worked?”
“What worked?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“I can’t believe they
stole your car.”
“And my suit.” He grinned.
“I know.” She shook her head. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”
“Yeah.”
Her gaze traveled down to his tight shorts where she could clearly see the outline of his flaccid penis. She frowned. “They couldn’t find you another pair of shorts?”
“No, these are mine.”
“Really?” She studied them a moment. “I’ve never seen them before.”
“Oh, I…” He shrugged. “I just bought them.”
“They seem a little tight.”
“No, they fit pretty well.”
“Okay.” A look of relief washed over her face. “I was worried you were, you know, naked again walking down the road.”
“Nope, not this time. In fact, I don’t think that will ever happen to me again.” His lips curled up into a grin.
“What?”
“Oh, nothing.” He put on a somber expression.
She studied his face with her concern growing. “Are you sure you’re okay. You’re acting weird.”
“No, I’m good. And the police just told me they found the car abandoned right outside the city. My cell was still in it along with the keys, but I think we should change the locks at home just to be safe.”
“Sure. Okay.” She put her hand on his knee.
“I think I’m going to buy you some new shorts.” She rose to her feet. “Are you ready to go home?”
“Yeah, sure.”
After the car-jacking incident, Brian spent the next few weeks putting the finishing touches on his secret project behind his closed office door. Concerned, Jillian put her ear to the door several times and considered knocking, but decided against it. She was still under the impression that it was baby related. At least she kept telling herself that.
During this period, Jillian’s morning sickness switched again to high gear and her libido back to low gear. Her husband was aloof during the transition and while still attentive to her needs, he seemed both preoccupied at work and in his office. She decided to let him have his space.
17
Just before sunset a few days later the doorbell rang at the Grayson-Nash home. When Jillian opened the door, she found Victoria and Jim on the porch, one holding a bottle of champagne and the other holding a bottle of sparkling cider. Victoria smiled. “I hope we aren’t interrupting anything. We were in the neighborhood.”
“You’re always in the neighborhood. You live two blocks away.” Jillian motioned for them to come in.
The couple stepped inside and Victoria said, “Want to help us celebrate?”
Jim held up the bottle and said halfheartedly, “Evidently it’s the three-month anniversary of our wedding.”
“Wow, you guys will be celebrating every quarter will ya?”
“No, we actually do it monthly.” Victoria motioned with a head nod to her husband. “And don’t let him fool you. He made me breakfast in bed and bought me a card. He plays this tough guy, I-couldn’t-care-less macho thing, but when it comes down to it, he’s a sappy romantic.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t have to tell her that.” Jim frowned. “Where’s Brian?”
“You know…” Jillian shrugged. “I’m not really sure, but I think I heard the back door close a few minutes ago.”
The three headed into the kitchen where Jillian grabbed four glasses and placed them on the counter. “I’ll see what he’s up to.”
She opened the back door and scanned the pool area then looked right toward the tennis court. Brian spotted her and quickly hid something behind his back.
Jillian called to him, “Your brother and Victoria are here.”
“Oh, okay.” He bounced on his heels nervously.
“Well are you coming in?” She scowled at him. “What are you doing out there, anyway?”
“Um, I’m just…”
Jillian headed out to him. “What’s that behind your back?”
“What? I don’t…”
When she reached him, she took hold of his arm and spun him around. He held a small zip lock bag containing folded silky material.”
“What in the world is that?”
“Shorts.” He added timidly, “It’s just a, um, pair of running shorts.”
“And what are you doing with them?”
“Um, I don’t feel comfortable telling you right now.” He refused to look her in the eye.
“Why not?”
“Because it’s supposed to be a secret. My secret.”
“Okayyyy…” She looked at him like he was out of his mind. “Please come inside now. They want us to celebrate their anniversary with them.”
“Anniversary?” Brian scoffed. “What’s it been like a month?”
“Three months. It’s been three whole months.”
“Wow,” he replied sarcastically.
“Let’s go secret boy.” Jillian turned on her heels and headed toward the house. A few steps later she turned back to see that he wasn’t following. “Now. Please.”
“Can I just have a minute to…?”
“No, we’ve already been out here too long.”
Closing his eyes, he sighed. “Okay.”
“I found him.” Jillian headed toward her guests who were standing by the kitchen island with the glasses already filled.
“Hey, Jim. Hey there, Victoria.” Brian shuffled in holding the shorts behind his back. A few steps through the door, he covertly slipped the bag behind a pillow on the sofa in the great room.
Victoria handed Jillian her glass of cider. When Brian reached the kitchen, Jim handed him a glass. Brian raised it. “Happy anniversary.”
“Happy anniversary.” Jillian lifted hers also.
“Thank you.” Victoria gave them a smile.
Narrowing his eyes, Jim pointed toward the sofa. “What was that Bri?”
“Huh?” Brian looked around the room playing it cool. “What?”
“I saw you drop something behind that cushion or…” Jim headed over to the sofa, grinning.
Brian shook his head. “No, that’s nothing it’s—”
Jim held the plastic bag up and frowned. “Is that a pair of shorts?”
“Yes.” Brian wore a nervous expression. “Yes, they are.”
“Oh my God, did you shit yourself in these and you were burying them in the backyard?” Jim dropped them to the floor. “Why would you bring these in here?”
“No I didn’t shit myself!” Brian cringed. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?”
“Everyone?” Jillian asked.
“Never mind.” Brian waved his hand at her dismissively.
“What the hell are you doing, dude?” Jim gave him a look.
“I was just, um… you know.”
“We don’t know.” Jillian rolled her eyes. “Does this have something to do with your secret project?”
He sighed. “Um, yes, it does.”
“Secret project?” Jim asked.
“Oh, Brian, please tell us what you’ve been up to. Wait, are you running away to join the circus?” Victoria giggled. “I mean, I would take a few more items of clothing, but it looks like you’re trying to travel light.”
“Very funny.” Brian rolled his eyes then cleared his throat. “Well, if you all must know they are emergency shorts.”
“I knew it. They are for when you shit yourself.”
“No, geez, Jim, could you please get off the diarrhea. I mean, how old are you?”
“Old enough to not be carrying around an… emergency… pair… of shorts.” Jim could barely get out the words as he cracked himself up. The two women joined him in laughter as the butt of their jokes stood there sulking.
When the three finally regained their composure Brian snarled, “Shouldn’t you two be off having tantric sex or something? I mean, it is your ninety day anniversary and all.”
“Oh, we already did. We’re just taking a break,” Victoria replied in a casual tone.
“Yep, we’ve been in be
d since…” Jim looked to his wife. “What… about two?”
“That’s right. We did it four times today. Once this morning and three times this afternoon.”
“And I think we’re penciled in for later today.” Jim shot his brother an arrogant smile.
“Oh, that’s written in ink, babe.” Victoria patted him on the rear end.
Brian made a face. “Okay, I think I just threw up a lot in my mouth.”
“Jealous?” Jim raised his eyebrows.
“Why yes. Yes, I am a little.” Brian curled his lip as he caught Jillian’s frown. “Sorry, we’re pregnant and we have what, uh, you might call a relationship that’s on a higher plane. Right honey?”
“Uh-huh.” Frowning, Jillian took a sip of cider.
“We don’t need to do it four times a day.” Brian lifted his glass to Jillian. “Heck, four times a month would be plenty for me.”
“What?”
“Oh, sorry, not that we only do it once a week. That’s not what I’m saying.” Brian adjusted his collar as he looked nervously around the room. “Let’s see, we already did it twice since—” He closed his mouth when we caught Jillian’s angry glare.
“I’ll just shut up now.”
“Oh, you get plenty of sex. Keep it up and you’ll only be getting seasonal visits. Sort of like the flu.”
“I love you,” Brian said sheepishly.
“Yeah.”
Jim picked the shorts up from the floor. “Let’s get back to these. I’m dying to know what these are for.”
“Yes, please share.” Jillian folded her arms.
Sighing, Brian plopped down on the sofa. “You all know how I have this curse or let’s call it a tendency to end up naked in public and embarrass the hell out of myself.”
“Oh, come on, how often has it happened?” Jim asked.
“Um, let’s see three times I walked from here to your house with no clothes on. Then there was that horrible incident at the fertility clinic.” He scoffed. “I mean, how would you like to be, you know, doing that and have a half a dozen burly construction workers watching you do it?”
Jim held back a laugh. “I almost forgot about that.”
Victoria cringed. “Why the hell were you jerking off in front of construction workers?”
“I didn’t.” Brian sighed. “Remember they were cutting through the wall from the next room.”