"Turn her over to the White Tower, you say?" he said, glancing back into the room. "Which White Tower? Would you entrust her to Elaida? Or did you mean the others? I doubt that Egwene would be pleased if I dropped one of the Forsaken in her lap. Egwene might just let Semirhage go and take me captive instead. Force me to kneel before the White Tower's justice and gentle me just to give her another notch in her belt."
Nynaeve frowned. "Rand! Egwene would never — "
"She's Amyrlin," he said, downing his cup of wine in one gulp. It was as putrid as he recalled. "Aes Sedai to the core. I'm just another pawn to her."
Yes, Lews Therin said. We need to stay away from all of them. They refused to help us, you know. Refused! Said my plan was too reckless. That left me with only the Hundred Companions, no women to form a circle. Traitors! This is their fault. But. . . but I'm the one who killed Hyena. Why?
Nynaeve said something, but Rand ignored her. Lews Therin? he said to the voice. What was it you did? The women wouldn't help? Why?
But Lews Therin had begun sobbing again, and his voice grew distant.
"Tell me!" Rand yelled, throwing his cup down. "Burn you, Kinslayer! Speak to me!"
The room fell silent.
Rand blinked. He'd never . . . never tried speaking to Lews Therin out loud where others could hear. And they knew. Semirhage had spoken of the voice that he heard, dismissing Rand as if he were a common madman.
Rand reached up, running a hand through his hair. Or he tried to ... but he used the arm that was only a stump, and it accomplished nothing.
Light! he thought. I'm losing control. Half the time, I don't know which voice is mine and which is his. This was supposed to get better when I cleansed saidin/ / was supposed to be safe. . . .
Not safe, Lews Therin muttered. We were already mad. Can't turn back from that now. He began to cackle, but the laughter turned to sobs.
Rand looked around the room. Min's dark eyes were so worried he had to turn away. Alivia — who had watched the exchange about Semirhage with those penetrating eyes of hers — seemed too knowing. Nynaeve finally gave in and tugged on her braid. For once, Cadsuane didn't chastise him for his outburst. Instead she just sipped her wine. How could she stand the stuff?
The thought was trivial. Ridiculous. He wanted to laugh. Only, the sound wouldn't come out. He couldn't summon even a wry humor, not anymore. Light! I can't keep this up. My eyes see as if in a fog, my hand is burned away, and the old wounds in my side rip open if I do anything more strenuous than breathe. I'm dry, like an overused well. I need to finish my work here and get to Shayol Ghul.
Otherwise, there won't be anything left of me for the Dark One to kill.
That wasn't a thought to cause laughter; it was one to cause despair. But Rand did not weep, for tears could not come from steel.
For the moment, Lews Therin's cries seemed enough for both of them.
CHAPTER 2
The Nature of Pain
Egwene stood up straight, backside aflame with the now-familiar agony of a solid beating beneath the hands of the Mistress of Novices. She felt like a rug that had just been pounded free of its dust. Despite that, she calmly straightened her white skirts, then turned to the room's mirror and calmly dabbed the tears from the corners of her eyes. Only one tear in each eye this time. She smiled to her reflection, and her twin selves nodded to one another in satisfaction.
A small, dark-paneled room reflected behind her on the mirror's silvery surface. Such a stern place it was, a sturdy stool in the corner, the top darkened and smoothed from years and years of use. A blockish desk, set with the Mistress of Novices' thick tome. The narrow table directly behind Egwene had some carvings, but its leather padding was far more distinctive. Many a novice — and not a few Accepted — had bent down across that table, bearing the punishment for disobedience. Egwene could almost imagine that the table's dark color had come from repeated tearstains. Many of her own had been shed there.
But none today. Only two tears, and neither had fallen from her cheeks. Not that she didn't hurt; her entire body seemed to burn from the pain. Indeed, the severity of those beatings had increased the longer she continued to defy the powers in the White Tower. But as the beatings had grown more frequent and more painful, Egwene's resolve to endure had grown as well. She hadn't yet managed to embrace and accept the pain as the Aiel did, but she felt that she was close. The Aiel could laugh during the most cruel of tortures. Well, she could smile the moment she stood up.
Each lash she endured, each pain she suffered, was a victory. And victory was always a reason for happiness, no matter how one's pride or one's skin burned.
Standing beside the table behind Egwene, reflected in the mirror, was the Mistress of Novices herself. Silviana looked down at the leather strap in her hands, frowning. Her ageless square face seemed just faintly confused; she regarded the strap as one might a knife that refused to cut or a lamp that refused to light.
The woman was of the Red Ajah, a fact reflected in the trim on the hem of her simple gray dress and the fringed shawl on her shoulders. She was tall and stocky and she had her black hair back in a bun. In most ways Egwene considered her a superior Mistress of Novices. Even if she had administered a ridiculous number of punishments to Egwene. Perhaps because of that. Silviana did her duty. Light knew there were few enough in the Tower lately of whom that could be said!
Silviana looked up and met Egwene's eyes in the mirror. She quickly put down the strap and washed all emotion from her face. Egwene turned around calmly.
Uncharacteristically, Silviana sighed. "When will you give this up, child?" she asked. "You've proven your point quite admirably, I must say, but you must know that I will continue to punish you until you submit. Proper order must be maintained."
Egwene held in her shock. The Mistress of Novices rarely addressed Egwene except to offer instruction or reprobation. Still, there had been cracks before. . . .
"Proper order, Silviana?" Egwene asked. "As it has been maintained elsewhere in the Tower?"
Silviana s lips drew back in a line. She turned and made a notation in her book. "I will see you in the morning. Off to dinner with you."
The morning punishment would be because Egwene had called the Mistress of Novices by her name without adding the honorific "Sedai" to the end. And likely because both knew that Egwene would not curtsy before she left.
"I will return in the morning," Egwene said, "but dinner must wait. I have been ordered to attend Elaida this evening as she eats." This session with Silviana had gone long — Egwene had brought quite a list of infractions with her — and now she wouldn't have time to eat. Her stomach complained at the prospect.
Silviana showed just a brief moment of emotion. Was it surprise? "And you said nothing of this earlier?"
"Would it have changed anything if I had?"
Silviana did not respond to the question. "You will eat after attending the Amyrlin, then. I shall leave instructions for the Mistress of the Kitchens to hold you some food. Considering how often you are being given Healing these days, child, you will need to take your meals. I won't have you collapsing from lack of nourishment."
Stern, yet fair. A pity this one had found her way to the Red. "Very well," Egwene said.
"And after eating," Silviana said, raising a finger, "you shall return to me for showing disrespect to the Amyrlin Seat. She is never to be known as simply 'Elaida' to you, child." She turned down to her ledger, adding, "Besides, Light only knows what kind of trouble you'll be in by this evening."
As Egwene left the small chamber behind — entering a wide, gray-stoned hallway with floor tiles of green and red — she considered that last comment. Perhaps it hadn't been surprise that Silviana had shown upon hearing of Egwene's visit to Elaida. Perhaps it had been sympathy. Elaida would not react well when Egwene stood up to her the way she had to all others in the Tower.
Was that why Silviana had decided to bring Egwene back for a final strapping after eating? With the orders
Silviana had given, Egwene would be required to take food before returning for her punishment, even if Elaida heaped the strappings upon her.
It was a small kindness, but Egwene was grateful for it. Enduring the daily punishments was difficult enough without skipping meals.
As she pondered, two Red sisters — Katerine and Barasine — approached her. Katerine held a brass cup. Another dose of forkroot. Elaida wanted to make certain that Egwene couldn't channel a trickle during the meal, it seemed. Egwene took the cup without protesting and downed it in a single gulp, tasting the faint, yet characteristic, hint of mint. She handed the cup back to Katerine with an offhanded gesture, and the woman had no choice but to accept it. Almost as if she were a royal cupbearer.
Egwene didn't head for Elaida's quarters immediately. The overly long punishment's intrusion into the dinner hour ironically left her with a few spare moments — and she didn't want to arrive early, for that would show Elaida deference. So instead she lingered outside the door of the Mistress of Novices with Katerine and Barasine. Would a certain figure come to visit the study?
In the distance, small clusters of sisters walked the hallway's tiles of green and red. There was a furtive cast to their eyes, like hares venturing into a clearing to nibble at leaves, yet fearing the predator who hid in the shadows. Sisters in the Tower these days always wore their shawls, and they never went about alone. Some even held the Power, as if afraid of being jumped by footpads here in the White Tower itself.
"Are you pleased with this?" Egwene found herself asking. She glanced at Katerine and Barasine; both were, coincidentally, also part of the group that had first captured Egwene.
"What was that, child?" Katerine asked coolly. "Speaking to a sister without being asked a question first? Are you so eager for more punishment?" She wore a conspicuous amount of red, her dress a bright crimson slashed with black. Her dark hair curled slightly in its cascade down her back.
Egwene ignored the threat. What more could they do to her? "Set aside the bickering for a moment, Katerine," Egwene said, watching a group of Yellows pass, their step quickening as they saw the two Reds. "Set aside the posturing for authority and the threats. Put these things away and look. Are you proud of this? The Tower spent centuries without an Amyrlin being raised from the Red. Now, when you finally have a chance, your chosen leader has done this to the Tower. Women who won't meet the eyes of those they do not know familiarly, sisters who travel in clusters. The Ajahs behave as if they are at war with one another!"
Katerine sniffed at the comment, though the lanky Barasine hesitated, glancing over her shoulder at the group of Yellows hurrying down the corridor, several of them firing glances back at the two Reds.
"This was not caused by the Amyrlin," Katerine said. "It was created by your foolish rebels and their betrayal!"
My rebels? Egwene thought with an inward smile. So you now see them as "mine," rather than regarding me as just a poor Accepted who was duped? That's progress.
"Were we the ones who pulled down a sitting Amyrlin?" Egwene asked. "Were we the ones who turned Warder against Warder, or the ones who failed to contain the Dragon Reborn? Have we chosen an Amyrlin who is so power-hungry, she's ordered the construction of her own palace?
A woman who has every sister wondering if she'll be the next to be stripped of the shawl?"
Katerine didn't respond, as though realizing that she shouldn't be drawn into an argument with a mere novice. Barasine still watched the distant Yellows, her eyes wide. Worried.
"I should think," Egwene said, "that the Red should not be the ones sheltering Elaida, but should instead provide her fiercest critics. For Elaida's legacy will be your own. Remember that."
Katerine glanced at her, eyes flaring, and Egwene suppressed a cringe. Perhaps that last had been too straightforward.
"You will report to the Mistress of Novices tonight, child," Katerine informed her. "And explain how you showed disrespect to sisters and to the Amyrlin herself."
Egwene held her tongue. Why was she wasting her time trying to convince Reds?
The aged wooden door behind her snapped shut, making Egwene jump and glance over her shoulder. The tapestries to either side stirred slightly, then went still. Egwene hadn't realized that she'd left the door open just a crack as she'd left. Had Silviana listened to the conversation?
There was no more time to dawdle. It appeared that Alviarin wasn't going to come this evening. Where was she? She always arrived for punishment right around the time that Egwene finished. Egwene shook her head, then strode away down the hallway. The two Reds followed — they stayed with her increasingly now, following her, watching her, at all times except when Egwene visited the quarters of other Ajahs for training. She tried to act as if those two sisters were an honorary retinue, rather than her jailers. She also tried to ignore the pain of her backside.
All signs indicated that Egwene was winning her war against Elaida. Earlier, at lunch, Egwene had heard the novices gossiping about the dramatic failure Elaida had suffered in failing to keep Rand captured. The event was several months past, now, and was supposed to have been secret. And then there was the rumor of Asha'man bonding sisters who had been sent to destroy them. Another mission of Elaida's that wasn't supposed to be known. Egwene had taken steps to keep these failures strong in the minds of the Tower's occupants, much as she had with Elaida's irregular treatment of Shemerin.
Whatever the novices were gossiping about, the Aes Sedai were hearing. Yes, Egwene was winning. But she was beginning to lose the satisfaction she'd once felt at that victory. Who could take joy in seeing the Aes Sedai unraveling like aged canvas? Who could feel glad that Tar Valon, the grandest of all great cities, was piled with refuse? As much as Egwene might despise Elaida, she could not exult at seeing an Amyrlin Seat lead with such incompetence.
And now, tonight, she would face Elaida in person. Egwene walked slowly through the hallways, pacing herself so as to not arrive early. How should she proceed at the dinner? During her nine days back in the Tower, Egwene had not so much as glimpsed Elaida. Attending the woman would be dangerous. If she offended Elaida just a hair too much, she could find herself being sent for execution. And yet, she could not simper and pander. She would not bow before the woman, not if it cost her life.
Egwene turned a corner, then pulled up short, nearly stumbling. The hallway ended abruptly in a stonework wall set with a bright tile mural. The image was that of an ancient Amyrlin, sitting on an ornate golden seat, holding forth her hand in warning to the kings and queens of the land. The plaque at the bottom declared it to be a depiction of Caraighan Maconar, ending the rebellion in Mosadorin. Egwene vaguely recognized the mural; the last she'd seen it, it had been on the wall of the Tower library. But when she'd seen it there, the Amyrlin's face hadn't been a mask of blood. The dead bodies depicted hanging from the eaves hadn't been there either.
Katerine stepped up beside Egwene, face paling. Nobody liked to speak of the unnatural way rooms and corridors changed places in the Tower. The transformations made for a solemn reminder that squabbles over authority were secondary to larger, horrible troubles in the world. This was the first time Egwene had seen not only a corridor moved, but a depiction altered as well. The Dark One stirred, and the very Pattern itself was shaking.
Egwene turned and stalked away from the misplaced mural. She couldn't focus on those problems right now. You scrubbed a floor clean by first picking a single spot and getting to work. She'd picked her spot. The White Tower had to be made whole.
Unfortunately, this detour was going to take more time. Egwene reluctantly hastened her pace; it wouldn't do to be early, but she'd prefer not to be late either. Her two watchers hurried as well, skirts swishing as they backtracked through several corridors. As they did, Egwene caught sight of Alviarin hurrying around a corner, head down, walking toward the study of the Mistress of Novices. So she was going to her punishment after all. What had caused her to delay?
Two more turns and one flight o
f cold stone steps later, Egwene found herself cutting through the Red Ajah section of the Tower, as that now provided the quickest route up to the Amyrlin's quarters. Red tapestries hung on the walls, accented by crimson tiles on the floor. The women walking the corridors wore expressions of a near uniform austerity, their shawls draped carefully over their shoulders and arms. Here, in their own Ajah's quarters where they should be confident, they seemed insecure and suspicious, even of those servants who bustled about, bearing the Flame of Tar Valon on their chests. Egwene passed through the hallways, wishing she didn't have to hurry so, as it made her look cowed. There was nothing to be done about it. At the center of the Tower, she climbed several flights of stairs, eventually reaching the hallway that led to the Amyrlin's quarters.
Her busyness with novice chores and lessons had left her with little time to consider her confrontation with the false Amyrlin. This was the woman who had pulled down Siuan, the woman who had beaten Rand, and the woman who had pushed the Aes Sedai themselves to the very brink of collapse. Elaida needed to know Egwene's anger, she needed to be humiliated and made ashamed! She. . . .
Egwene stopped in front of Elaida's gilded door. No.
She could imagine the scene easily. Elaida enraged, Egwene banished to the dark cells beneath the Tower. What good would that do? She could not confront the woman, not yet. That would only lead to momentary satisfaction followed by a debilitating failure.
But light, she couldn't bow to Elaida either! The Amyrlin did no such thing!
Or ... no. The Amyrlin did what was required of her. Which was more important? The White Tower, or Egwene's pride? The only way to win this battle was to let Elaida think that she was winning. No . . . No, the only way to win was to let Elaida think there was no battle.
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