by Kaje Harper
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Heath stirred on the couch but didn't wake when I reached for his pants, dropped in a heap on the floor. The phone was in his back pocket. I took it to the bedroom.
For a long time I just stared at the redial button. Two in the morning. That made it three in New York. Somehow I thought Toller would be awake. I pressed the button.
"Jamie?" His voice was soft.
"Yeah, it's me."
"Wait a minute, I'll go in the other room." I heard a soft muffle of voices and then some rustling. Then he came back on the line. "Okay, we're good."
"Sorry to wake you up."
"I wasn't sleeping." He chuckled. "I thought about this for so long. Figures it would be that stubborn brat of mine that took the plunge."
"He knew where to find me?" I let my voice make it a question.
"I kept track. You didn't want me to contact you, but that didn't mean I didn't care. I kept track of you, best as I could. I knew when you moved. I knew about the office job and when you got that position as assistant director of the free clinic. And director now. Congratulations."
"Thank you. I did swear I would do something worthwhile."
"You also swore you would stay out of bars, Jamie."
"I swore I wouldn't drink." I sighed. "Yeah, it's kind of stupid. I've been, I don't know, bored maybe. And it's hard to meet anyone if you're staying with alcohol-free venues. But I swear, I only drink Coke."
"As long as you're not slipping."
"Won't. I promise." Not now. Not with Toller's voice alive and well in my ear, and that boy out on the couch.
"You never found someone else," he said.
"No. A few fuck-buddies. I haven't been celibate. But I had real love twice in my life, and that's more than most people get, even if it was short. I'm not complaining."
"I'm sorry, Jamie." His voice thickened. "Walking away from your place was the hardest thing I've ever done. I cried halfway to New York, had to tell Andy I had a horrible cold on the train. God, I almost turned around a dozen times."
"I'm glad you didn't," I managed to say.
"Me too, eventually."
"And now you're married."
"Almost married. We'll do that as soon as we can, now that New York has come to its senses."
"Tell me about him. This Tris guy. Is he good enough for you?"
Toller laughed. "His name is Tristan Franke. He's also a doctor. You do know I became a pediatrician?"
"I might have looked you up once or twice."
"Tristan's an obstetrician. He's amazing. He's stuck with me through a lot of my craziness. After we'd been together about a year, he dragged my ass to a therapist. Said I didn't have to rip open old wounds to him, but I needed to talk to someone. And it helped finish the job you started on me. And Tris is gorgeous and sweet and great with kids and he makes me laugh. Although he doesn't cook. But then nobody's perfect." There was a sound in the background and then Toller said, "Here. Mr. Not Perfect wants to talk to you."
A deep voice said, "Dr. Seavers?"
"I'm not a doctor." I coughed. "Call me Jamison."
"I'm Tristan. I just wanted to say thank you. Toller hasn't told me everything about his past. In fact, he's a secretive bastard. But he told me enough to know you saved him and put him back together. So I know everything we have here, this home and this family, is thanks to you."
"I didn't create Toller. I just cut him loose."
"You healed him first. That's the part I'm grateful for. Oh, and the cutting him loose part. You could have kept him and you didn't. So I owe you big time, anything you need."
My throat closed a little. "Just take care of him for me."
"Always."
There was some fumbling and then Toller was back on the line. "I sent the big lug back to bed. He's got two women about ready to pop. Better than even odds he'll get paged tonight."
"You're good together?"
"We're amazing." He lowered his voice. "Our second anniversary, I bottomed for him."
I closed my eyes. That was what I wanted. Toller, healed and happy, even if it wasn't with me. "How was it?"
"Hard the first time. But no longer impossible, and it got better. Now I sometimes ask for it because I need it, not just to please him."
"That's good. I'm glad. And you have a kid."
"And we have two kids."
"Two?"
"Heath's brother, Cody, is twelve. Sweet little dark-haired boy. They're nothing alike except that I would die to keep either of them safe. We adopted Cody when he was two. He had some abuse issues, but he's pretty much past it now. We got him out young, thank God."
"And now Heath wants to be a social worker."
"Yeah." Toller sighed. "I shot my mouth off, and then I didn't want to back down. It was just reflex. All those years hating what they did to me, and then I spent some time battling the system for the kids I treat. I know social workers are not all bad or sloppy. Just mostly overworked and burned out. I just don't want that for Heath."
"He's a big boy."
"Yeah." There was a long pause, and then Toller said softly, "Don't freak him out. Explain to him that I had bad experiences, but he doesn't need to know details. I don't know why I couldn't just explain that to him, instead of yelling and insisting he take my word for it."
"I'm told that raising a child is the toughest job there is."
"You should know. You raised me."
"You were never my child."
His voice was sleepy and young in my ear. "I was your boy though, wasn't I?"
"Oh, yes," I said. "You were mine."
For a while we just held the phones and breathed.
"You're happy?" I asked finally.
"I am." He sounded certain. "Not every minute of every day, but life is good. My job, Tristan, the kids; it's all worth getting up for in the mornings. The only thing that would make it better would be having you around sometimes. If you could handle it. I'd love to have you spend time with the kids and meet Tristan. It would be...you're still the only other family I have."
"What about your sister?"
"I lost track of her after her second divorce. Almost fifteen years ago now. She'll have to find me if she wants to."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, me too. So. Will you at least talk to my wayward child? Tell him if he's dead set on social work he can go for it. I can always hope he'll change his mind. Tell him even dads can get bent out of shape to where they stop making sense. No, on second thought leave that part out. It would destroy my mystique."
"I'll talk to him."
"And maybe call me sometimes. Let me send you pictures of the kids."
"Maybe."
"Whatever you'll take. Whatever I can give you, Jamie. I do love you, you know."
I breathed through my nose. I was not going to cry. "I know. Go climb back in bed with your husband and spoon up to him. Get some sleep. Your boy is safe with me."
"That part I never doubted," Toller said. "As soon as I heard where he went, I knew he was safe."
"Good night, Toller."
I disconnected. Then I pressed the redial and carefully added the number to my own phone. After all, I was responsible for his teenager. It was important I be able to contact him.
Out in the living room, Heath had rolled over and stopped snoring. His feet hung off the edge of the couch. It wasn't quite long enough for him. He was half a head taller than his father. I bent and slid the phone back into the pocket of his jeans. His blond hair lay against the blue plaid of the couch. It was the same couch. It had moved with me three times.
I waited for a rush of pain, for the overwhelming nostalgia to roll me down. But what came were memories, faded and bittersweet. Toller laughing, his arm stuck through the rip in his old T-shirt as he missed the sleeve. Toller studying, squinting hard at the fine print in his math book, the end of a pencil between his teeth. Toller, a glint of mischief in his eyes, lollin
g back against the cushions with his legs spread wide in invitation, as I tried to finish cooking and ignore him. Three hundred days of memories out of a lifetime. They were precious, but they finally were over.
This boy lay sprawled and boneless. His hair was as fair as his father's had been dark. He looked younger than Toller ever had been, even in sleep. Tomorrow, I would show him the city, I decided. Chicago had lots to offer. I'd tell him a little, here and there. But no secrets. It wasn't necessary.
Your father was abused when he was a child. The social workers who should have protected him didn't. They sent him back to that abuse when he tried to escape. That's why he's not happy with your ambitions. But just because one person or several failed at a difficult job is no reason good people shouldn't attempt it. Maybe even more reason why they should. I'll talk to your father.
I would. I knew that now. I couldn't back then. Even fifteen years ago, I'd carefully found him, checked up on what he was doing, on all he had accomplished, and let him go, unknowing. But now those memories warmed me more than they hurt. The forty-two-year-old Toller would not be the bright, shining boy who walked out my door. He had his own life now. And he was inviting me back into it.
Family. Husband. Children. Two boys he'd rescued, taken in and raised as his own. Raised healthy and clean and safe, as he had never been. And he was inviting me to be a part of that. I thought now, finally, I might just take him up on that invitation.
About the Author
Kaje Harper grew up in Montreal and spent her teen years writing, filling binders with stories about what guys like Starsky and Hutch really did on their days off. (In a sheltered-fourteen-year-old PG-rated romantic sense.) Serious authorship got sidetracked by ventures into psychology, teaching, and a biomedical career. And the challenges of raising children. When Kaje took up writing again it was just for fun. Hours of fun. Lots of hours of fun. The stories began piling up, and her husband suggested it was time to try to publish one. Kaje currently lives in Minnesota with a creative teenager, a crazy little omnivorous white dog, and a remarkably patient spouse.
MLR Press Authors
Featuring a roll call of some of the best writers of gay erotica and mysteries today!
Derek Adams
Z. Allora
Maura Anderson
Victor J. Banis
Jeanne Barrack
Laura Baumbach
Ally Blue
J.P. Bowie
Barry Brennessel
Michael Breyette
Nowell Briscoe
P.A. Brown
Jade Buchanan
James Buchanan
Charlie Cochrane
Karenna Colcroft
Jamie Craig
Kirby Crow
Ethan Day
Diana DeRicci
Jason Edding
Theo Fenraven
Angela Fiddler
S.J. Frost
Kimberly Gardner
Michael Gouda
Roland Graeme
Storm Grant
Amber Green
LB Gregg
Kaje Harper
Jan Irving
David Juhren
Kiernan Kelly
M. King
Matthew Lang
J.L. Langley
Josh Lanyon
Anna Lee
Elizabeth Lister
Clare London
William Maltese
Z.A. Maxfield
Timothy McGivney
Lloyd A. Meeker
Patric Michael
AKM Miles
Reiko Morgan
Jet Mykles
William Neale
Cherie Noel
Willa Okati
Neil S. Plakcy
Jordan Castillo Price
Luisa Prieto
Rick R. Reed
A.M. Riley
AJ Rose
Rob Rosen
George Seaton
Jardonn Smith
Caro Soles
JoAnne Soper-Cook
Richard Stevenson
Liz Strange
Marshall Thornton
Lex Valentine
Maggie Veness
Haley Walsh
Missy Welsh
Stevie Woods
Lance Zarimba
Check out titles, both available and forthcoming, at www.mlrpress.com
THE TREVOR PROJECT
The Trevor Project operates the only nationwide, around-the-clock crisis and suicide prevention helpline for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth. Every day, The Trevor Project saves lives though its free and confidential helpline, its website and its educational services. If you or a friend are feeling lost or alone call The Trevor Helpline. If you or a friend are feeling lost, alone, confused or in crisis, please call The Trevor Helpline. You'll be able to speak confidentially with a trained counselor 24/7.
The Trevor Helpline: 866-488-7386
On the Web: www.thetrevorproject.org/
THE GAY MEN'S DOMESTIC VIOLENCE PROJECT
Founded in 1994, The Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project is a grassroots, non-profit organization founded by a gay male survivor of domestic violence and developed through the strength, contributions and participation of the community. The Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project supports victims and survivors through education, advocacy and direct services. Understanding that the serious public health issue of domestic violence is not gender specific, we serve men in relationships with men, regardless of how they identify, and stand ready to assist them in navigating through abusive relationships.
GMDVP Helpline: 800.832.1901
On the Web: gmdvp.org/
THE GAY & LESBIAN ALLIANCE AGAINST DEFAMATION/GLAAD EN ESPANOL
The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (glaad) is dedicated to promoting and ensuring fair, accurate and inclusive representation of people and events in the media as a means of eliminating homophobia and discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation.
On the Web: www.glaad.org/
glaad en espanol: www.glaad.org/espanol/bienvenido.php
SERVICEMEMBERS LEGAL DEFENSE NETWORK
Servicemembers Legal Defense Network is a nonpartisan, nonprofit, legal services, watchdog and policy organization dedicated to ending discrimination against and harassment of military personnel affected by "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (dadt).The sldn provides free, confidential legal services to all those impacted by dadt and related discrimination. Since 1993, its inhouse legal team has responded to more than 9,000 requests for assistance. In Congress, it leads the fight to repeal dadt and replace it with a law that ensures equal treatment for every servicemember, regardless of sexual orientation. In the courts, it works to challenge the constitutionality of dadt.
sldn Call: (202) 328-3244
PO Box 65301 or (202) 328-FAIR
Washington DC 20035-5301 e-mail: [email protected]
On the Web: sldn.org/
THE GLBT NATIONAL HELP CENTER
The glbt National Help Center is a nonprofit, tax-exempt organization that is dedicated to meeting the needs of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community and those questioning their sexual orientation and gender identity. It is an outgrowth of the Gay & Lesbian National Hotline, which began in 1996 and now is a primary program of The glbt National Help Center. It offers several different programs including two national hotlines that help members of the glbt community talk about the important issues that they are facing in their lives. It helps end the isolation that many people feel, by providing a safe environment on the phone or via the internet to discuss issues that people can't talk about anywhere else. The glbt National Help Center also helps other organizations build the infrastructure they need to provide strong support to our community at the local level.
National Hotline: 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)
National Youth Talkline 1-800-246-PRI
DE (1-800-246-7743)
On the Web: www.glnh.org/
e-mail: [email protected]
* * * *
If you're a GLBT and questioning student heading off to university, should know that there are resources on campus for you. Here's just a sample:
US LOCAL GLBT COLLEGE CAMPUS ORGANIZATIONS
dv-8.com/resources/us/local/campus.html
GLBT Scholarship Resources tinyurl.com/6fx9v6
Syracuse University lgbt.syr.edu/
Texas A&M glbt.tamu.edu/
Tulane University www.oma.tulane.edu/LGBT/Default.htm
University of Alaska www.uaf.edu/agla/
University of California, Davis lgbtrc.ucdavis.edu/
University of California, San Francisco lgbt.ucsf.edu/
University of Colorado www.colorado.edu/glbtrc/
University of Florida www.dso.ufl.edu/multicultural/lgbt/
University of Hawaiyi, Manoa manoa.hawaii.edu/lgbt/
University of Utah www.sa.utah.edu/lgbt/
University of Virginia www.virginia.edu/deanofstudents/lgbt/
Vanderbilt University www.vanderbilt.edu/lgbtqi/
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Visit www.mlrpress.com for information on additional titles by this and other authors.