His face had contorted, so she tried to reassure him. “It was good, Lon. I can look back at it and see that it showed me not to rely on anyone else. It taught me not to be caught vulnerable.”
“So the next time that happened, did you have the good sense to—”
“No!” She wanted to shake him, but of course she couldn’t touch. “Lon, mind control is wrong, even in a good cause. Even back then I knew that it was a can of worms I don’t ever, ever want to open. You set yourself down the wrong path that way. Humanity’s gift from the universe was free will, and no one has the right to tamper with that. Everyone should have the freedom to decide for themselves—” She stopped, realizing the situation they were now in. “No matter how foolish their decisions.”
“So I’m allowed to make foolish decisions?” Londo gathered her in his arms. At first she held back and he didn’t force her. He tried again, and she hid her face in his shoulder.
And he began to sing softly:
Some people stay far away from the door
If there’s a chance of it opening up.
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by.
Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool....
I’m only willing to hear you cry
Because I am an innocent man.
He sang to her in his deep voice there in the waxing moonlight, her so tense and trembling and trying not to be.
Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed...”
He cradled her in a light, unconfining hold.
But I’ve been there and if I can survive,
I can keep you alive;
I’m not above going through it again...
She was silent as the song ended. Considering? Her breath lightly fanned Londo’s neck.
“A safe place,” she finally whispered. “Find us a very, very safe place.”
Chapter 9
“Maybe what we need is to find a nest of mercenaries and do it right next to them.”
She stared at Londo.
“That way you could differentiate your fears. See which one was bigger and which was the preferable one. Rev you up.”
Lina gave a helpless laugh at that. “You have been through therapy.”
“I speak fluent Freudian—with a Jungian accent.”
“A safe place, Londo. Please.”
He gave her an encouraging smile and bent to place a gentle kiss on her lips. They trembled ever so slightly as she returned the light pressure.
“I know you might not have much time—” she began.
She lowered her head but Lon lifted her chin with a finger so she would look directly at him. “We’re going to make this as long and as slow as you need. There’s no hurry. All you have to do is relax and enjoy it.”
Before she could ask again, he confirmed, “A very safe place,” and got up, holding out his hand. She hesitated before taking it. “You are so beautiful,” he told her.
She frowned.
Londo cocked his head at her doubts. “Someone has been doing some hardcore PSYOPS on you, Lina. Psychological warfare.”
“Don’t be—”
“He’s been telling you that you’re not good, not beautiful, and that the world isn’t safe for you. I can’t believe you bought into it. You seem... Eh bien, don’t take this the wrong way, chérie.”
He tried to gauge her expression. “Strong-willed. Too strong a person to believe others when they try to deceive you.” She didn’t seem insulted, so he started up the slope. He helped her as she couldn’t see well in the rapidly-falling darkness.
“Some lies are truths to people,” she eventually said.
“Let me tell you a few truths. You’re a beautiful, caring woman, and every now and then you can trust the world and the people around you. Choose good people to join your team, and then trust them with your life.”
“Most people just want me to help them somehow.” Like now, but Lina didn’t say that.
Londo stopped. “You can trust me,” he said. He squeezed her hand and turned to continue the climb. “Watch out here. You say your parents did this to you? Your father?”
“I did it to myself,” Lina said. “People can tell you things and you don’t have to take it to heart. I am responsible for my own state.”
“And I don’t believe that for a minute. Take it from me, sometimes things can happen to you when you’re too young or defenseless to control them. You’re at the mercy of the world.”
Of course Lina knew his origin story, just as everyone did. “Something like that happened to you when you were—kidnapped.”
“Oui. Something happened,” he said too sharply.
“You’re a Cancer.”
“What?”
“Sun in... No, moon in Cancer, Cancer the Crab. Fierce emotions. Loyal. Family first. I think it’s easier for you to maintain trust in a person than it is for other people.”
“Cancer?” Londo tasted the concept as signifying birth instead of disease.
“You feel like some people I know, Cancers. It’s just an energy you have.”
“When’s that?”
“Moon signs change every two hours of the day. Sun sign... I think... You’re a Leo. Yes, a Leo definitely.”
“Leo the Lion.” The last of the sunlight caught the brilliance of Lon’s sudden grin. “He’s the guy with the corn flakes, right?”
“That’s Tony, and he’s a tiger, not a lion.”
Lon shrugged. “Both good Italian names. When’s Leo?”
“Ah. I think August, last bit of July. You didn’t—?”
“I don’t know my birthdate. I was adopted; no birth record.”
“Oh, right.” He’d been kidnapped from his parents and then adopted years later by Maximus; everyone knew that. “Well, if you’re not a Leo, then your rising sign is. But I’d be willing to bet real money that you’re sun in Leo, moon in Cancer.
“Leo is the guy who likes the limelight; lots of actors are Leos, usually as a rising sign though. The ego dominates, not necessarily in a bad way. I think it’s a fire sign. Your moon in Cancer means that if you make a friend, they stay friends no matter what they do. If you make an enemy—”
“I’ve got too many enemies as it is.” His voice sounded bitter as he helped Lina over another run of rock.
“They experimented on you.” She tried to remember everything she’d ever heard from Lon’s early life. They almost always glossed over that part, leaving it as one of Valiant’s mysteries. “They wanted to make another Maximus.”
“Yeah. Change subjects. What’s your sign, babe? You come here often?”
All right. “Sagittarian,” she replied as she tried not to trip in the dark. The cliff here rose a long way. Maybe that’s why the soldiers hadn’t come this far. It still loomed over them.
“Ah oui. And when is that?”
“December.”
“A nice Christmas gift for your family.”
“Not for Dad.” Lina kicked a good-sized stone that was in her way. It clattered behind her into the dark. “There were four miscarriages and one stillborn between my sister Barb and me, all boys. Dad really wanted that son and all he got was Muttbutt. He always said it was a crime that you couldn’t exchange kids.”
After that Londo climbed in silence for a while. Finally he asked, “Did he abuse you?”
“Did he beat me? Not much. Some families, the kids get beaten all the time.”
“And some families, the authorities haul the parents to jail.”
“Not mine. Can we skip subjects again?”
“Okay. Big step here; let me help— D’accord, tell me more. If Leos are stuck on ourselves, what do Sagittarians do?”
He put his hands on her waist and lifted her over an obstruction she could barely make out. While Lina grimaced at the touch, she didn’t draw away. The shadows along this way were inky black, e
dged on the west with a disconcerting highlight from dusk’s afterglow that made depth perception difficult. The only way to safety lay literally in Londo’s hands.
“Ah.” She tried to concentrate on her astrology lessons. “It’s a fire sign, same as Leo. A tendency to jump first and ask questions later. I do that all the time.”
“I’ve already noticed that. But it has nothing to do with phobias?”
“Nope. Thought that one up all on my own. Sags are very creative, you know. Love to learn and teach.”
“So do you want to learn anything new tonight?” They’d reached the top of the slope. Holding both her hands, Londo eased her over the last rise.
“I said I would,” she said softly. “I keep my word.”
They stood on the precipice, the almost-full moon rising over the bay. Londo pointed at vague movement along the beach. “They’re packing up for night maneuvers. Away from us.” He regarded her. “I was almost serious, chérie. Get closer to them so you can see the difference between fears—of being in a life-threatening situation versus an unreal fear. Your father’s creation.”
“I accepted and created the fear for myself.” In her frustration Lina slammed a tree with her fist. “I just can’t release it. God! I am so stupid!”
Gingerly Lon wrapped her in his arms. “It’ll be okay, I promise you.” He rocked her as he would a child, and eventually she put her arms around him, her palms to either side of his backpack. “I’ll share your fear, Lina. I’ll make it easier for you.”
“Oh god, Billy Joel,” she murmured from his neck. How could she tremble this much and still be able to stand?
He laughed lightly. “I even remembered all the words, miracle of miracles. Safe place. Let’s try over there.” Disengaging except for her hand, Londo led her deeper into the forest. Shortly he found a clearing with a small stream trickling nearby from the evening’s storm.
“No fruit trees, but it’s safe,” Londo said. His fingers squeezed hers tightly, hopefully.
The moon shone through the gap in the forest canopy, providing light. But it also created dark, moving shadows in the warm ocean breeze. The animals of the forest made themselves known by their night sounds.
“Are you sure?” Lina started at the unfamiliar noises and peered suspiciously into the shadows. She checked with the deva of the place.
**Safe,** it said as it settled for the night.
Londo watched her every move even as he eased the pack off his back and pulled out the blanket. “Safe,” he unknowingly echoed the deva. “Lina...” Would she? Had she changed her mind? They stood so close; he could feel his breath as it hit her cheek and rebounded.
Looking at his shoulder and not in his eyes, Lina reached up to the collar of her shirt and slowly began to unfasten it.
Lon let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He touched her fingers with his to stop her and she looked up at him in question. Lovely green eyes in the moonlight.
“Carolina O’Kelly... is that the whole name?”
She blinked. “Angelina,” she said after a hesitation. “Carolina Angelina.”
He repeated the name in his mind, nodded, and then took a breath. “Carolina Angelina O’Kelly...” His eyes fastened upon hers and held them. “I need to make things clear. I want to have sex with you. That means going all the way. If we start, there’s no pulling back.”
Lon paused to let her absorb that. “I don’t think I’ll be able to stop if you ask me.” He remembered the afternoon and forced himself not to wince with shame. “I’ll go slow and I’ll be as gentle as I can. But I’m going to do it.”
They stood inches apart. Through her fingertips he could feel her quiver just at their closeness.
She looked away. “You’re supposed to ask... before you do.”
“Ask what?”
“I don’t have any diseases.”
The edge of his mouth quirked at that. “Neither do I. That would be difficult to do.”
“Um... Condoms?”
“I’ve been accused of carrying a little of everything in my vest,” he said, a glow of delight in his belly at finally having this conversation with someone, “but not condoms. And I’m afraid there isn’t a drug store nearby. We’ve been living dangerously all day. We’ll just have to find our way safely through unsafe sex.”
She nodded slowly. “This isn’t going to be easy,” she told him. “I can’t guarantee you anything. Londo Rand—”
“Falcon. Londo Falcon.”
A ghost of a smile came to her face. The name fit him with his tendency to scowl and his sharp, far-off eyes. “Londo Falcon Rand,” she said, “I will try. This Sagittarian has jumped. I will do my absolute best to go as far with you as you want. But take it slowly.” She swallowed. “And if... and if I can’t do it... You have my permission to, to do whatever you have to.”
“I’m not going to rape you, chérie.”
She gave him a stern stare to reinforce her declaration. “No. It’s not rape if I give you permission. I understand a little of what you’ve been through; I can feel the terrible need in you for this. Now you do whatever it takes. I mean it.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Londo reassured her and took her by the shoulders as she flinched and then tried not to flinch. “Relax,” he told her. “We’ve done this much before.”
He gave her a light kiss before starting a slower, deeper kiss. He kept his hands on her shoulders. He had to be sure about how and where he touched her, never letting himself advance too far too fast.
“You can do this. Just relax and enjoy it. Learn to concentrate on the pleasure in life and not the pain. Tonight we’re going to solve both my problem and yours, and we’re going to have a wonderful time doing it.”
Londo had formed a quick plan: treat this like a war campaign. Take it one sure section at a time, make sure that area was subdued, and then move on. Celebrate the victory only after the entire area had been secured.
“I am not a b-battlefield,” Lina whispered to him.
“Allow me my own fantasies, chérie.” He turned to study the clearing. It held several rock intrusions and a few downed trees, normal conditions for the forested basalt island. “Here.” He led her to one outcropping. This was pillowy and smooth, unlike the butte this afternoon. After he spread the blanket on it, he seated her on it and settled next to her, draping the blanket beside them. “How’s that?” he asked.
“A little h-hard, but an o-okay bench.”
“Consider it a couch. We’ve just gotten in from our date and your parents are upstairs asleep.”
“Parents?”
As she tensed up at the word Londo cursed himself for mentioning them. Time to twist the imagination harder to take her away from the reality. “It’s high school, when we both should have done this the first time.”
“Th-that would make us... what age? Maybe sixteen for me...”
“Let’s live dangerously. Fifteen for you.”
“Uh oh. Here comes the shotgun and the sheriff.”
He shook his head. “No one’s going to catch us. Voyons. I figure fifteen for you lets me be in town visiting from college. There was a high school prom and I crashed—no, I was in the band, yeah, the band—and then I saw you and fell madly in love.”
“The band. Instrument?”
“Lead guitar. And vocals.”
“You do have a very n-nice voice. Formal or informal?”
He wiggled his eyebrows at her. “I look great in a tux.”
“Yes, you do.” She smiled at him despite herself. The cover of Cosmo had been in a tux, headlined “The World’s Sexiest Bachelors.” It now hung on the bulletin board over her home office desk.
“I drove you home in my Shelby GT-500.” At her blank look, Lon added, “My black convertible. In the moonlight. You invited me in to talk.”
“Oh. What do we talk about?”
“We both know we’re not here to talk. You’re in a strapless number that’s driving me crazy. With a c
oat. Let’s get rid of the coat.” He helped her out of his shirt and flung it on the ground.
“That’s very expensive,” Lina protested. She decided to help him weave his story. Maybe that would help. “Fake... silver fox.”
“I’ll pay for the dry cleaning. Let’s make this strapless, shall we?” He reached for her gown.
“I thought it already was.”
“Ah. So it is. It makes you look like a goddess.”
She gave him an indulgent smile. “Watch it. The dog’s going to bark at you.”
“I gave him my leftover steak from dinner.” Lon sidled closer. “He’ll be quiet.” He put his hand on her knee and leaned in for a kiss and another as he slid his hand softly up her leg to settle on her hip.
“Arm around my neck,” he whispered, and she awkwardly obeyed. He pulled her closer and though she tried not to, she still pushed off him with her elbows. “Relax. You can do it.”
Lina scrunched her hip away from his hand and strove to concentrate on the kisses instead. Kissing closed-mouth wasn’t bad. There was a method involved. His hands were the big problem, and where his body brushed up against hers. She might be able to get away with this if he’d just keep his touch to one area from which she could concentrate on keeping the fear. Two or more places, and the white fear swept in behind her barriers.
This was not going to go well, despite his encouraging murmurs.
Londo didn’t notice anything amiss as his tongue delicately began to explore her mouth until he noticed her pounding pulse. Then it began to slow until it matched his own. She must be doing biofeedback.
“You okay?” he whispered.
She nodded, but when he regained his place and caught her tongue, sucking lightly on it, her shoulders contracted; her fingers suddenly dug into his own shoulders and she pushed away hard. Her eyes seemed glazed over. Lon got the impression of a blinding whiteness inside her, a wall of panic and fear.
“Take it easy,” he told her gently.
Through her gasps she nodded as she visibly fought against it. When she put her hand on his left chest he knew that she was trying to feel his heart through his vest. Her eyes closed in concentration. Her breathing slowed with effort.
Touch of Danger (Three Worlds) Page 14