And the leer he gave her told her that he knew he was good at something else. They talked of Lon's life and hobbies—he had his license in architecture as well as construction—and Lina thought he was so sweet to pretend that what she did day-to-day could be interesting. They went off on impersonal editorial tangents, yet underneath it all was the knowledge that they were playing out the time until they would adjourn to the bedroom.
Time slipped by but the night hours lasted forever. “Yet?” Londo would ask, and Lina would check and shake her head. They'd both heave sighs and then fish around for a new subject.
It turned out that, though he liked the perks, Londo wasn't really that fond of being a parahero and fighting crime. “I'm too busy to get anything important done,” he told her. “It's always the same, somebody wanting to push their way through life over the backs of others.”
“You have to admit you're pretty good at your job.”
“Ouais. But it's like putting a bandage on a gaping wound. I'm tired of stopgap. I want to go after the source. No, I want to do something—” he sought the concept, “—bigger. Huge.”
They gazed at each other and again that spark of heat flushed through them both. As they discussed the world he looked into her eyes like he could see through to her soul.
They switched from social studies to TV. Then he told her of good times playing sports with the Legionnaires who could keep up with him, and smiled anew. Lina’s heart raced to see his dear features light up. His was not a magazine-mannequin face, but rather that of the All-Canadian male. The boy next door, honest and strong, handsome and true.
“What else?” Lina finally whispered. “Tell me everything, anything.”
“I most like being with you, my beautiful Lina. Talking with you. Hearing the crazy spin you put on life. And I like making love. I like that a lot.”
She raised up a bit as if to say something and then nestled to him, burying her head under his chin. If only it could be forever like this.
He rubbed her arm against the bandages. “Does that hurt?”
“No.” Her voice was small and shy.
“As God as my witness, chérie, I never want you hurt. I would have done anything not to have it happen. I won't ever do that again. I learned my lesson. I swear—”
“Hush, darling.” She raised her face to meet his. “It's over and there's nothing we can do to change it. This last batch of painkillers took away just about all the pain. It makes me just spacey enough to start to consider going against doctor's orders. But not spacey enough to actually do it.”
She kissed him lightly on the mouth. “Londo Rand, I almost lost you yesterday. I did lose you, but you came back. And I'm not going to run the chance of losing you again.”
“You're not. Not ever.”
“What was it like to die?”
“You're the one who talks to ghosts. You tell me.”
She massaged his hand. “You're so accepting of things. Me, I don't believe even when it's right before my eyes. I know what it is I think I see, and I know what I've been taught. And I know people with near-death experiences who've told me what they remember. But we're all operating from our own paradigms, unable to see the complete truth. What was it like for you, Lon? Were there angels? Was there a light that was pure love?”
He sighed. “I don't remember. There was just… I thought I heard you scream, and I heard them threaten you, plan to kill you, and then… I don't even recall getting hit.”
“Ah.”
“Ah.” They sat there in each other's arms, content for a while. “So what do you think it's like, Lina? Who runs all this? Do you think there's anything to all this religion crapola?”
“I've seen listings of angelic hierarchies,” Lina said slowly, “but people I talk to say that everyone and everything is equal in God's sight. Once I heard somebody say that we were all little sparks of God's mind that want to know our own individuality, our own gifts. Maybe it's that God can only see the overall view of things, and so we split off from Him to see the bits and pieces. Somewhere along the line there's got to be some kind of communication that lets the universe put the whole picture together. Maybe that's what the Higher Self is for. I don't know.”
“So you do believe in God.”
“I believe in something. Used to be I couldn't even say the word 'God.' There's something that makes that word scary, and the Big Guy, or the guiding consciousness or quantum field, whatever it is that so many people say is pure love, well, you shouldn't be scared of love. So I started to say 'the universe' instead. Lately I've found myself saying 'God.'“
She shifted in his wonderful, safe arms. “There's something there; can't you feel it? There are devas for countries and worlds, why not a deva for the universe? Of course, that's only a very tiny part of it. There's everything that's created, and then there's this huge, even more infinite something, a potential that's the uncreated. There's a force there that's behind absolutely everything.
“That song, 'God is Watching Us From a Distance,' has it exactly a hundred eighty degrees wrong. God's inside us. We're little pieces of God, or we're growing around an inner core that's God or connected to God. He or She or It is watching and experiencing everything from within us. Within me, within you, within this table, within all the germs and the thoughts going around.”
Lon's mouth moved as he thoughtfully digested it. “So that's what you believe.”
“Until I come up with something better. Yes.”
“The old man with a beard,” Lon said. “I remember pictures when I was very young. He rode on clouds. Someone told me that this was God, and that He was watching over me and keeping me safe.
“He didn't keep me safe. He threw me into Hell and then turned His back on me. I tried saying my prayers every time I went to bed, but there came a day when I realized that no one was listening. No one cared. So I stopped. And every time that one of my friends was carried out of the lab, dead, I hit the wall with my fist and pretended that it was the face of that Old Man with the beard.”
Lina stroked his arm. “After you came back to Earth, how was it then?” she asked quietly.
“I'd gotten out without His help. I was on my own. I found my own friends, my own guardian. Hal became my god for a few years. A not quite all-powerful god, it's true, and more human than most gods, but he was a serviceable substitute.”
“He accepted your offerings?”
Lon frowned, which involved sticking out the left corner of his lower lip and then rolling it so that the right corner protruded.
“He saw that I was hero-worshipping him, and he nipped it in the bud as best as he could. Mama Ruth and Papa Mike took me to a few churches to get me to settle on one denomination, but I wasn't too interested in Christianity. It's too confusing, too many people thinking they're in the same faith and saying things completely opposite of each other.
“So they took me to some Jewish synagogues, and although it was interesting as history, I wasn't impressed with the basics. They took me to Muslim mosques, to a Buddhist shrine—that was too quiet. And there was a Hindu place… Then I went around to see if there was anything I could stomach left. I like bits and pieces of Native American stuff. Taoism. Abo Dream Time? I don't get it.” He shrugged his shoulders.
“But it seemed to me that almost every religion had some version of that Old Man with His beard who was telling me what and how to think, and that it was bad just to be who I was already. I don't like people telling me what to do.”
“So are you an atheist or an agnostic?”
“I try not to classify myself. I don't like restrictions.”
“Don't fence me in,” Lina sang softly. He'd been restrained through too much of his childhood.
“Exactly.” He shifted his position on the couch slightly so he could look more directly at her. “You understand me,” he said.
“So when you say you don't remember anything when you died,” she asked, “does that mean that you don't want to remember or that
there was nothing there for you to remember or that you just don't remember? You could solve a lot of questions for yourself, or at least figure out where you're starting from, if you could recall something.”
“I just… There was a feeling,” he said. “No images, nothing else. Just this feeling of peace, an absolute lack of worries. I felt like I could have taken off without caring about what I was leaving behind, or what catastrophes would take place if I weren't around to stop them.”
She turned to him and gave him a gentle smile, rubbing his bare chest. His brave heart was beating so strongly. “I'm so grateful that you decided not to go. Honey, you're tense. What's wrong?”
“There was just that one thing that I kept thinking about,” Lon said. He looked past her and then back into her eyes. He seemed like he wanted to say something. Lina waited, curious.
“I came back because I heard you calling me.” Londo paused for a moment. “Lina, marry me.”
Chapter 21
“What?” Just like that. Cold shock thrilled through her.
Taking her hand in his, Lon said, “We'd be so good together. I love you; you love me.”
“You're serious.” She whispered because she couldn't breathe. “You can't be.”
“But I am. Marry me.” He pulled her closer to him with one hand, keeping her hand in his other. “No more loneliness ever. No more empty nights for either of us.”
He moved in to kiss her, but she sat straight up and pushed him back. “We've known each other for how many days? Four? Maybe five? Heck, we could still count it in hours. Londo, you don't ask someone to get married after four days.”
“I just did. What, do you want us to date for three years before I pop the question? We know now. Marry me, Lina. C'mon.”
“Oh no, again with the 'c'mon.' No, Londo. It's just the sex. We're both new at this and we're a little—no, a lot—crazy. We can't think straight.”
He pulled gently at her good arm.
“Look, Lon, I told you.” She tried to slow the pounding of her own heart and speak softer. Maybe she could get through to him. “Anytime you need me, I'll be there for you. Always and forever.”
“So let's make it official. Let me make an honest woman of you.”
She jumped from the couch and then scrambled behind it, out of his reach. “Oo, Lon. Think! Marriage is more than sex. Personally I can't quite believe it right now, but they say the sex becomes a minor part of the relationship after a while. Where would that leave us?”
“A happy couple drooling in the old folks home, waiting for our great-grandchildren to come and visit. And the sex will never be minor.”
With his chin propped on the arm that lay across the back of the couch, Lon watched her pace. He knew her mind so well now. She was going to say yes. It might be in a minute or in a year, but she'd accept. There was no way she could refuse him. He smiled into his elbow so she wouldn't see his look of triumph. He'd always gotten what he wanted, and now he wanted her. It was that simple.
Lina laughed because there was nothing else she could think to do. “Grandchildren! You know, Lon, most people usually discuss the matter of children before they decide to get married.”
“I was thinking about five or six, peut-être a dozen.”
“Oh yeah, keep me barefoot and pregnant. I've never even given it a thought! I'm not good around kids.”
“You'll get used to 'em.”
“Cats. I have lots of them instead. Seven. All spoiled rotten.”
His jaw dropped. “Seven cats? Seven cats!”
Lina poked her index finger in his face. Get him to focus on real life! “Yes, Lon. I'm the crazy cat-lady who lives at the end of the road in the run-down house.”
He grinned and then lay down on the couch, singing, “Our house is a very, very, very fine house. With seven cats in the yard…”
“Again with the singing! Lon, I love you, but no. Has anyone ever said that to you? No. In French that's non. I'm sorry. I'm so—” She blinked hard. “I'm going to take that shower.”
She ran to the master bathroom, the one farthest from the living room, and closed the door. Londo laughed out loud now that she couldn't hear and sank back on the couch, giving himself a victory arm-chug.
So she'd said no. She didn't mean it. Humming merrily to himself, he formulated a rough wedding schedule checklist but then an idea hit him. It blocked the rest of his mind from functioning. He scowled at himself for his stupidity. That had to be the problem. So what could he do about it? He lay back in silence and thought while the shower started.
He knew this would be a very long shower. Was she sniffling in there? She did it quietly as if she knew he could hear her. He could have peeked at her through the walls but he'd been taught privacy.
Londo kept a black silk robe in his closet for Aiko. It might be a welcome change of pace from the white terrycham coat Lina wore. He opened the bathroom door, called, “Robe!” and threw it in, then closed the door. After a pause he heard her say “Thank you” in a very small voice.
She was frightened, he realized. Running scared. Women weren't supposed to act this way after a proposal from the man they loved, were they? But Lina wasn't like any other women that he knew.
Maybe…maybe it was time to back off a little. He'd pressed his advantage as far as it could go for now. More pressure and she really might say no when the decision-making was over. She was right. No one had ever said no to him, not for anything important. He didn't want this to be his first experience.
Wandering in frustration, he paused at his communications desk. With a groan of dread he sat down. In moments the image of a dark-skinned woman with short, gold-tipped hair appeared on the screen. She smiled radiantly at him.
“Londo!” Aiko exclaimed as her gaze traveled over his face and then his bare shoulders. “You're looking well. Very well. Maybe a little tired.”
“I'm fine, chérie,” he said gently. Her smile faded to seriousness at his tone.
“You brought someone with you.” She slumped with a look of defeat. Her eyes lost their shine. “The witchdoctor.”
“Yes.”
“Roads and shadows. This is going to be one of those conversations. Sunfire take it all.”
“One of what conversations?” But he knew what she meant.
Her voice was flat. “You want us to remain friends.”
He had to look down at the desktop before he could face her again. “Is that all right with you? Is there anything I can do to make the transition smoother? I didn’t tell you… before… because I was trying to figure a way you wouldn’t get hurt, and we could still be friends. I couldn’t think of anything. I do want us to remain friends, Aiko—always. You are very dear to me. In many ways.”
“Do you love her, Londo? I've heard that, apparently, things have gone well physically for you.”
“They're still going fine. And yes, I love her. I just proposed to her.”
That caught her by surprise. “Proposed? A marriage contract?”
“She said no.”
That took her by surprise, too, but the moment had passed and now waves of hurt and anger washed across her features.
“So after you've proposed to this…woman, after you've announced to half the sector that you have a new girlfriend and she's not me, you finally decided to give me a call.”
“I'm sorry, Ko-ko. Si désolé. I should have called you first thing, as soon as I'd sorted things out. It was inexcusable of me not to discuss this with you before I said anything public. Anything.”
“Yes,” she said harshly. She bit her lip and put her hand over it to hide it, then turned away from the screen.
“I'm sorry,” Londo repeated. “The last person I'd ever want to hurt is you.”
The woman nodded, her face still averted. “I should expect Londo to be L-Londo.” She took a breath before she turned back. “So,” she said, and Londo could see her shaking herself to composure. “You…proposed, and she said no.”
“Um, yes.�
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“Let me get this straight. She's had wild sex with the galaxy's most eligible hero for days now—”
“Who the hell have you been talking to?”
“Jae, of course. At least he tried to break it to me gently. He was a little late. And now apparently—even though your powers are back and you can still do it— How the bloody blaze does that happen, Londo?”
“Privacy, Aiko. Let's just say that a non-telepath couldn't do it.”
“That's another thing. Jae says you're suddenly a telepath, which would make any bond closer automatically. And she says no?”
“She'll say yes. Eventually.”
“Stoan says she's a rogue telepath and a controller.”
“You know how Stoan can overreact with mind control. And he doesn't like anything that isn't status quo. Once we're engaged, he'll come around.”
Aiko frowned at him. “You're pushing her too hard, Lon. By the longest road, I know you. If she's the kind of woman you'd like, she won't appreciate that. I wouldn’t.”
“I'm backing off.”
“Where is she?”
“In the shower.”
Aiko's eyebrows raised. “Without you. How atypical.”
Londo shrugged at her bitter tone. “She needs quiet time.”
She gave him an ironic glare. “How about that? Londo Rand is actually taking someone else's emotional needs into consideration. Has the galaxy stopped spinning?”
“I know you're feeling—”
“I'm going through a little shock now, Lon. Maybe anger. Maybe sheer murderous fury. But you'll have to admit that you run pell-mell over people. They don't like that. I never have.”
“I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially you. Am I as bad as I was?”
Her face softened into a sad, fond smile. “No. Not at all. You're quite semi-pleasant to be around any more.” She paused. “Are you absolutely sure, Lon? Just because you're in the throes of the Wonder of It All doesn't mean that you two would make a good choice for marriage partners.”
Lon nodded. “I know. I'm sure I'll get the same lecture from Hal if I can ever get hold of him.”
Touch of Danger (Three Worlds) Page 49