My confusion mounts. “What…?” I ask.
He snorts humorlessly. “Yeah,” he says bitterly. “Apparently he and Natalie had a thing. I suspected that for a while and confronted Leo on it last week, but that was before I knew what I know now. The idea I got was she went straight from me to him, and I was clueless. It’s my understanding that it was going on even before she and I broke up.”
I have no words to respond to this. He spent so long blinding himself to these things that when it all comes to a head it’s as much a surprise to him as everyone else. And I can’t even imagine how these revelations are affecting him.
“You know the worst part about all this?” he asks in a whisper. He doesn’t wait for me to respond before going on. “Finding out that the people I trusted with everything in my life without a second thought have been filling my head with lies. For years. I trusted people I should have kept as far from me as possible, while the people I should have trusted with every fiber of my being…” He trails off, but I know what he’s trying to say.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I say, realizing how lame it sounds and how he’s going to react to my words.
He lets out a short huff of breath. “I appreciate the attempt to make me feel better, Sam,” he says wryly, sounding like himself for the first time since I got here, “but this entire mess is my fault in some way. Whether it was getting involved with Natalie or introducing her to Leo or turning a blind eye to some of the things people around me do, it’s my fault. And if something had happened to Tyler tonight that damn sure would have been my fault. As it is, I’m going to have a difficult time forgiving myself for this…” He sighs again. “I fucked up, Samantha, plain and simple. And now I have to live with the repercussions.”
We’re silent for several minutes and I think he might have managed to fall asleep. I’m silently crying, making no move to wipe my tears, and wondering how he’s going to come back from this. In one evening, his world is falling apart—he hasn’t even asked if Tyler and I will be staying or leaving; friends he’s trusted implicitly, even over my word, have shown their true colors; his best friend is dead. Even though I still believe this might have been avoided if he’d listened to me about Natalie, I don’t blame him for the situation. Matthew doesn’t easily trust on principle, but when he does trust someone and he trusts them completely, that person can do no wrong. I know Leo was in that circle and at one point, so was I; for him to realize suddenly that everything he thought and trusted has been a lie is probably a very painful shock to his system. It’ll be a miracle if he ever trusts another person in his lifetime.
“Samantha?” he whispers, just as I did when I started our conversation.
“Yes?” I reply, trying to keep myself from sounding as though I’m crying harder than I have in quite a long time.
He sighs shakily. “Whatever happens, whether you stay or go, I want you to know I love you more than I could ever love anybody. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I’m just so sorry to have put you through all of this and for all the things I’ve done and said to hurt you. Sorry doesn’t even seem strong enough a word to tell you what I feel. I know I have no right to ask anything of you right now, but please don’t hate me, Samantha. I know I haven’t done much lately to give you faith in me, but I could not survive you hating me.”
I don’t reply for a minute; when I try, my throat locks up and more tears spill from my eyes. Finally I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, confident that I’ll be able to get my words out. “I don’t hate you,” I tell him, my voice barely above a breath. “I could never hate you.”
Exhaling a sigh of relief, I can almost see him closing his eyes as my words sink into his mind. “Thank you,” he whispers, his words cracking. In that moment, I know he’s crying as well and I hate that I can’t go comfort him because of my own stubborn pride.
Neither of us speaks anymore and at some point I fall into a restless sleep.
––––-o––––-
Over breakfast, which Claire so kindly delivered, I spent half an hour hugging and kissing my son, grateful that he is in my arms again. To my fond exasperation, he’s much more interested in his food. I sit back to let him eat, occasionally reaching over to smooth his hair or run my fingers down his cheek to confirm he’s really here. Matthew was gone when I woke; Claire told me he’s gone to talk to Marcus and an investigation team to go over details of yesterday’s events. She said he looked better this morning than he did last night, which leads me to believe he’s reverting to more mechanical actions and putting himself through the motions of being in control of everything.
As we finish breakfast, I finally get up the nerve to tell Claire what happened last night. “So I was wondering,” I begin quietly, intently focusing on cutting up my pancakes, “if it would be all right for Tyler and me to stay with you for a little while.”
Though I’m not looking at her, I can feel the surprise and confusion radiating over her. “Sure,” she replies. “Of course. You know you can stay with us whenever you need to, however long you need to.” I shoot her a brief, tight smile. “Am I to take it there won’t be a wedding next month?”
I wince, glancing down at my left hand where my engagement was sitting at this time yesterday. “At this point, no, there won’t be a wedding,” I tell her.
She sighs heavily. “Okay,” she says, sounding disappointed. “Does Matt know where you’re going?”
“I’ll tell him,” I say. “I couldn’t do it last night.”
She nods and goes back to her breakfast. As we’re finishing up, Matthew returns to the room and I take the opportunity to confirm what Claire said about him looking better than he did last night. His shoulders are squared, his eyes wide and alert, his jaw tensed. He’s gone into his defensive stature. The only time I see his expression change at all is when he lays eyes on Tyler, and I don’t miss his apparent inability to look at me right now. He sits with us for a few minutes, talking to Tyler, then finally looks at me. “Can we talk?” he asks quietly, his expression determined.
I glance over at Claire as she jumps to her feet, offering to take Tyler to the hospital cafeteria for ice cream. I can’t even find it in me to remind her he’s just had breakfast… Once they’re gone, Matthew takes the chair Tyler has previously occupied. “So I need to be heading out soon,” he ventures, looking somewhere over my shoulder. “Will you and Ty be coming home with me, or…?”
He can’t even finish the sentence. I sigh, looking at my kneecaps. “Actually I thought he and I would stay with Claire for a while,” I tell him.
Nodding, he runs a hand through his hair, but doesn’t look surprised at my words. “Oh,” he says dully.
“I want you to be in Tyler’s life,” I blurt. “Whatever happens, I want you involved with our children.”
A shadow of a smile passes his face. “Thank you,” he whispers, reaching over as though he’s going to cup my cheek. My eyes flutter shut in anticipation, but at the last second, he drops his hand to his lap. I try to hide my disappointment. Sighing heavily he stands and I do the same, uncertain what we’re supposed to do now. Am I allowed to hug him? Kiss him? Tell him I love him no matter what? When it comes down to it, I do none of the above. Matthew reaches into the pocket of his jeans and I follow the movement, my breath catching when I see what he retrieves. He holds out his palm to me and I stare at the locket in his hand. “This is yours and I wanted you to have it.”
I sigh. “Matt…” I’m not even sure what I was going to say in protest as my fingers are twitching to take it from his hand.
He shakes his head. “Please don’t argue this,” he says softly. “I had it made especially for you, Samantha. I want you to have it. I don’t care if you wear it or if you toss it into the back of your sock drawer never to be seen again, but please take it.”
My eyes burning, I nod, turning around and lifting my hair for him to put the necklace around my neck. It takes him a moment to realize what I’m doing; when he does,
he chuckles softly and moves forward until he’s standing close enough for me to feel the heat rolling off his body. Hesitantly, he circles his arms around my neck to clasp the necklace. When he’s finished, his fingers very softly graze my skin and I can’t hold back the shiver at his touch. I lower my hair and turn to face him just in time to see his expression slip from wistful and longing to his defensive mask. I press the locket to my chest. “Thank you,” I breathe.
He nods in response and leans in, tentatively pressing his lips to mine. In those few minutes, we kiss as though we’re saying goodbye and I barely have a grasp on my emotions. He breaks the kiss first, resting his forehead against mine. “I love you, Sam,” he whispers.
“I love you too,” I tell him.
We slowly and reluctantly back away from one another and my heart breaks a little more at the deadened look in his eyes. “Can I say goodbye to Tyler before you go?” he asks, his tone almost desperate.
“Of course,” I say, my brow furrowing. “Matt, you’re going to see him.”
He only gives me a strange, sad smile as we walk out of the room together.
––––-o––––-
There are no words to describe what I’m feeling right now. Devastation. Anger. Those are close, but don’t quite hit the mark. I wanted to believe Samantha had been reacting in the heat of the moment when she gave me back her engagement ring. I wanted to believe that when I brought Tyler back she would forgive me and tell me she didn’t mean a word of what she said. I wanted to believe I wasn’t losing her. Apparently that was too much to ask for. I don’t blame her for wanting to leave. She’s been through too much over the last few months and honestly, I’m surprised she didn’t do this before now. This has been twice that our son’s life has been in jeopardy, and we’re incredibly lucky he wasn’t permanently hurt. Next time might not work out so well and the last thing I want to do is risk a third time.
I know Samantha would never keep me from my children’s lives, but for the time being, it might be best for all of us if I stayed away. There is still far too much I don’t understand about what has been going on around me and behind my back; I don’t know how much further this shit has been going. Until I find out, Samantha should run as far from me as possible, even if it does destroy me, which I think it might once things begin to sink in.
Marcus is, thankfully, recovering. The doctors removed a bullet from his chest and there was no damage to any internal organs. He’ll be walking around with his arm in a sling for a while as his injury heals, but when I saw him this morning, he was already getting back to normal. His search for Frank Marone last night wasn’t successful. Once again, Frank has slipped through fingers. With Leo’s final warning planted firmly in my mind, I won’t be surprised if Frank makes a reappearance sooner rather than later. All I can do in the meantime is ensure my family’s safety and question Natalie. She’s in police custody in Pennsylvania, but I’ve been told I can question her under supervision. Probably a good idea at this point; I would have no qualms about taking out my frustrations on her right now.
Now, however, I have to say goodbye to my family. Claire is sitting with Tyler just inside the hospital entrance and spots us immediately as we approach. Her expression is sympathetic, though I’m not sure if it’s directed at me or Samantha, or both of us. She’s been our biggest champion to make our relationship succeed and she seems to know we’ve found something that is insurmountable to get over. Samantha stops several feet from Claire, and Tyler and turns towards me. I wait uncertainly, wondering what’s coming next for us.
“I do love you,” she tells me quietly, “and I still want you in my life. Please don’t ever think any differently.”
I can only nod and watch as she steps up to press her lips against mine. Then she’s gone, walking over to Claire and our son, kneeling down in front of Tyler to talk to him. I keep my distance, but watch as Tyler’s little mouth frowns, and I wonder what Samantha is telling him. After a minute or two, Tyler slides off the bench beside his mother and aunt, and walks over to me. I immediately crouch down to his level.
“Hey, buddy,” I say unevenly, trying to summon a smile to put him at ease. “Listen, you and Mom are going to stay with Aunt Claire for a little while. I want you to be good, okay? Take care of your mom.”
His bottom lip begins to tremble and I know he’s figured out what’s happening. “I want to go home with you, Daddy,” he whispers.
I have to close my eyes as his eyes water. “I know,” I rasp, looking at him again. “I know you do. And I want you to too. But you can’t right now. Your mom needs you.”
Tears begin to slide down his cheeks and I reach out to wipe them away. “You don’t want us?” he asks in a wavering tone.
My heart shatters at his words. “Tyler, no,” I tell him. “Of course I want you, but you need to be somewhere safe.”
He shakes his head hard, his hair flying in all directions. “I don’t want to go,” he responds, tears falling freely as he moves forward to put his arms around my neck. “I want to go with you.”
I hold him to me, unable to keep my tears at bay any longer. I glance up to find Claire and Samantha a few feet away, both of them crying as well. “I’ll see you as much as I can,” I promise my son, rubbing his back in comfort. “I’m not going to lose you again, Tyler. I love you.”
“Love you too, Daddy,” he mumbles into my neck.
And that’s all it takes for me to break out into full blown sobs. I drop down onto my knees, resting on my heels as I lift Tyler into my arms as best I can. He hasn’t said those words to me before and I hate that what should be a beautiful moment is marred by the situation around us.
Did it to yourself… my brain reminds me. If you’d been able to keep them safe, you wouldn’t be saying goodbye to them.
I don’t know how long we sit there or how many people have had to walk around us, but eventually I pull away from the embrace, trying to gently pry his arms from around my neck. “You have to go now, Ty,” I say thickly. “Be good.”
He nods slightly, his little body heaving with sobs. I stand up and watch him return to Samantha who has her hand pressed to her mouth and tears streaming from her eyes as she watches our exchange. For a moment, I think she’s going to say something to me and I hope that something will be along the lines of her being unable to walk away. After a moment, she takes a deep breath and does just that as she takes Tyler’s hand in her own and leaves the hospital. I watch as Tyler is loaded into Claire’s car and my sister walks around to the driver’s side. I watch as Samantha hesitates before getting into the car, then looks back at me. With a tight, very forced smile, she finally gets in, and I watch the car until it disappears from my view.
The longer I stand at the hospital entrance, the more my devastation is turning to fury. I don’t have many people deserving of my lashing out at them, but I have direct access to one of those people, and that person isn’t getting away with what they’ve done to me and my family. If I’m going to suffer, so will they. I’m actually looking forward to the travel time to Pennsylvania; it’ll give me more opportunity to plan exactly what will happen. And that will start now.
21
“MOMMY!”
I’m out of my bed and in the hallway before I’ve even had time to process what it was I heard. It’s not as though this is the first time I’ve been woken up in this manner over the last few days and every time is the same: Tyler yells for me, I sprint down the hallway to where he’s sleeping, throw open the door, and he’s in my arms again in thirty seconds. The reason for these middle of the night rude awakenings is that my son has been having nightmares every night since we left the hospital and Matthew. Every time, he’s almost inconsolable and he’s usually unable to tell me what he’s been dreaming about. Not that I really need him to tell me to know what is torturing him as he sleeps. It’s probably a wide variety of things—being kidnapped, seeing people being hurt and killed, being yanked away so suddenly from his father…
> For the first several hours after we left Matthew standing in the hospital entrance, Tyler was a mess. He cried the entire drive home and between sobs, he told us he wanted Matthew. I had been seconds away from telling Claire to turn the car back, that I’d changed my mind. Even now I’m not sure what stopped me from doing that, aside from my stubborn pride. I haven’t heard from Matthew since—nobody has from what I understand—and that is starting to worry me. It didn’t occur to me until we were at Claire’s that when Matthew goes home, he is completely alone. Whereas he would normally have Leo to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid, Matthew doesn’t even have that anymore. I can’t even imagine how he’s feeling right now. Angry, scared, confused, alone… I wonder if some of his anger is directed towards me, because I left him when he most needed me.
In Tyler’s bedroom, I don’t waste a moment getting to his side and scooping him up into my lap. He immediately attaches himself to me and I do what I can to comfort him, even though he probably can’t hear me through his shuddering sobs. Tyler has never had any real nightmares before. He doesn’t fear monsters in his closet or under his bed like most other children. The dark doesn’t frighten him, and I’ve never known him to wake in the middle of the night to come sleep with me because he was scared. I almost wish this was caused by something simple like the Bogeyman, something I could easily explain away. But his nightmares are very real and I desperately hope this passes soon; I hate seeing him so afraid.
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