“If you’re gonna apologize, why don’t you say you’re sorry for making me feel like I don’t matter anymore,” she said, letting her tears fall. “That’s what you should really feel sorry for.”
George moved closer to her and put his arm around her. “What do you mean? You matter.”
“Not since Cara.”
“Cara?”
Beth nodded and sniffed.
George tightened his grip around her shoulders. “Cara’s nothing compared to you. She’s just some girl I met this summer.” Beth shook her head, mostly to herself. “Oh shit, Beth. Cara?” His voice had the awed tone of a person discovering some vast secret. “I made you feel that way?”
Beth shrugged. The whole conversation was becoming humiliating.
“Beth, you’re my best friend,” he whispered, close to her ear.
She waited for a long time before she said, “Still?”
George pinched her shoulder. “Yes, you idiot. What the hell?”
Beth couldn’t help the smile that crept onto her lips. She felt like a three-year-old being bribed with candy. With a gentle motion, George sank back sideways onto the hammock and pulled her with him, so that they were both lying there scrunched up against each other.
Beth felt a huge weight lifting off her chest. Suddenly, lying next to him felt comfortable again. They could be Beth and George, best friends again. She sank into his body and let out a deep breath.
They lay in silence for a long time. The minutes ran by and they didn’t move, until it had to be almost midnight. Beth felt herself nodding off to sleep but she didn’t want to get up and go inside. She wanted to stay with George as long as possible, so she didn’t move a muscle.
She was already half dreaming when George brushed her arm and said, “Do you know you have really soft elbows?”
It barely registered before she sank into sleep.
Beth opened her eyes, surprised to see that it was still dark. She felt like she’d slept for hours and that it should be morning. She wondered if her parents were up and worried about where she and George might be. Trying not to wake George, she shifted to look over her shoulder toward the house, and breathed a sigh of relief. All of the windows were dark. Clearly everyone had already gone to sleep.
As she shifted back down beside George’s body, she felt him stir. Not so much because he moved, but because she was so close to him she could feel his breath, and the pattern had changed. She let his breaths land on her cheek, and then gently turned over to look at him. He was staring back at her.
Her skin went prickly, right away. George reached out his hand and touched her arm, her back, her face. The whole world seemed to slow to the rhythm of his breathing. There were only inches between their mouths and then, before Beth knew it, their mouths were touching—lightly, almost teasingly. George very softly pressed his lips against Beth’s. He kissed just her upper lip, then rubbed his cheek against hers. Beth rubbed back. It felt playful and warm. Slowly, George traced the shape of Beth’s mouth with his finger, then pulled her in close and kissed her fully, as he had the night before. But this time, kissing George didn’t feel surreal or crazy. It just felt right.
Finally, he pushed back to look at her. “Is this okay?”
“Yes,” Beth said.
“Good.” He kissed her again, wrapping his arms around her back. When George pulled away, he stroked her hair. “Bethy,” he whispered. “I’ve wanted to do that for so long.”
Beth couldn’t help but smile. “So what took you so long?” she whispered back.
“Me?” She could see George’s familiar, lopsided grin in the darkness. “I was waiting foryou.”
Beth just laughed and rested her head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. His arms were still around her. They were quiet for a moment, and then George spoke quietly, his lips brushing her ear.
“This is perfect. This is the way it should be.”
“I know,” Beth murmured. “Can we just stay like this forever?”
“Sounds like a plan.” George’s lips tickled her ear again.
Beth stretched like a cat, feeling deliciously aware of every part of her body. She could see it now, like a backward vision. Like she could predict the past. She could see all the things George had done that showed her how he felt. She’d just been too caught up in her own drama to realize it.
She nestled in closer to him, and buried her head deeper into his chest, marveling at how safe and happy she felt in his arms. George lifted her face and kissed her gently, and she let herself kiss him back, again and again, as many times as she wanted. They stayed that way until dawn, when it was time for him to go.
31
“You have any more bags that you want me to take out?”
Jamie glanced up from her bed, where she sat zipping the last of her luggage—a blue knapsack she’d stuffed with flip-flops, her sun hat, and a stack of paper, pens, and pencils. Uncle Carr was standing in the doorway wearing an orange sun visor and holding a duffel bag.
“I’ve got this one,” Jamie said, allowing a smile to grace her face. “Are we leaving soon?”
“As soon as everyone else gets moving.”
Jamie nodded. Her uncle and aunt liked to bring up the rear every time the Tuttles left Pebble Beach. Truthfully, Jamie liked it, too. For them, it was about tying up loose ends, but for Jamie, it was about making the good-bye longer. And she was a sucker for long good-byes.
“It looks like Beth is just about packed up,” Uncle Carr said, disappearing into the hall.
Jamie pulled her knapsack onto her back and squeezed out the screen door behind him, into the front yard. She placed her bag in the backseat of the green Jetta and gave the door a gentle shove. Across the dirt road, she could see Ella, Kelsi, and their dad going through similar maneuvers with their own luggage. Beth was at the picnic table in front of her cottage, her chin in her hands. Her feet were swinging and tapping underneath the bench.
As Jamie crossed the lawn to reach Beth, she pulled her thin, gray, hooded sweatshirt tighter around her front. There was a breeze coming off the water today that reminded her that September was around the corner.
“Hey,” she said, sliding onto the bench beside Beth. “You should really try not to look so excited to leave us.” Beth eyed her quizzically for a moment, then looked at her tapping feet and stopped them, a sheepish smile on her lips.
“Sorry.”
“It’s all right.”
“I’m just excited to get home,” Beth said with a happy sigh.
“I know.”
Jamie knew the feeling too well. Beth had spent the last week bouncing around like the whole town was too small for her, spacing out at dinner, smiling at random moments for no reason. Her weird behavior had launched Ella on a crusade to pull out of Beth exactly what had happened between her, George, and Cara.
Ella was, of course, impossible to resist. Beth had confessed all to her one night. And since she’d entrusted the secret to Ella specifically, everyone—including all the uncles and aunts—knew about it now. So nobody blamed Beth for wanting to get back home, least of all Jamie.
“Did you call your mom?” Beth asked then, still smiling dreamily.
“Yeah,” Jamie nodded, smiling. “It’s so weird to think that by dinner I’ll be back in the house. I think she’s really happy.”
“I’m sure.” Beth ran both hands through her hair, making it stand out from her head like a tent. None of them, except for Kelsi, had showered this morning. They’d been out too late sitting on the beach, drinking the last of the family’s beer and talking nonstop. And Jamie had been out latest of anyone. She and Scott watched the fire burn itself out after everyone else went home.
Around two, Scott had walked her to her door, and Jamie had kissed and hugged him good-bye. She’d gone to bed with a little ache in her heart, expecting to miss him this morning, but she didn’t. Leaving the beach was always bittersweet. But this year it felt sweeter than usual.
“I
’m ready to go,” Jamie sighed, still feeling the little pinch in her chest that wasn’t because of Scott, but just because of things ending.
“I think we all are.” Beth was staring over Jamie’s shoulder, and Jamie turned to follow her gaze. Ella—in sweatpants and a T-shirt—was hauling the last of her suitcases into the trunk of her dad’s car, blowing bubbles with her gum.
“Do you think Ella’s okay?” Beth asked at the same time the question ran through Jamie’s mind. It had been hard to miss over the past couple of weeks, the way Ella seemed much more contemplative and quiet. She no longer initiated going out and dancing at Ahoy, and spent lots of time chilling with Kelsi.
Jamie shrugged. Neither of them knew what it meant or where it had come from. It was just there. And the weird thing was, Kelsi was the one who’d broken up with her townie boyfriend—but she wasn’t letting it get her down. She, in fact, seemed more spirited and confident than ever. It was a little bit like the sisters had taken on different qualities from each other. In a good way.
“Beth, time to go.” Beth hopped out of her seat so fast at the sound of her mom’s voice that she almost fell back onto the grass. Jamie snorted.
“Love you,” Beth said, wrapping her arms around Jamie and squeezing her. “I’ll see you at Thanksgiving.”
“Yeah. Time is going to fly by,” Jamie said, holding on tight. “Hey, good luck with George. Not that you’ll need it.”
Beth pulled back and grinned at her, then jogged across the lawn to Ella and Kelsi and their dad, and to Uncle Carr and Aunt Claire. Jamie walked over to stand beside Ella. They all waved as the car pulled away.
“That’s our cue to exit,” Kelsi said, shoving the last of her things into the backseat. “Daddy, what are you waiting for?” She disappeared into the house, following her father. Ella leaned back against the car, her arms over her chest, smiling at Jamie. She wasn’t wearing makeup this morning, and Jamie couldn’t help but notice that she looked more gorgeous than ever. She wondered if she should tell her that. Maybe she should confess how one day Ella was going to be a heroine in one of her novels. That might cheer her up. But Jamie opted to be funny and lighthearted instead.
“The boys of New Canaan will be happy you’re back.”
Ella shrugged. “I think I’m taking a break from boys.”
Jamie studied her face. She couldn’t tell if she was joking or not.
“Really?”
“Really.” Ella laughed at Jamie’s expression. “Just for a while, anyway.” Ella gave Jamie a big hug, just as Kelsi and her dad emerged from the house. Jamie and her uncle and aunt stood back as the girls piled into the car and slammed the doors. They left dust behind them the same way Beth had a few minutes ago, and then they were beyond the line of trees—just a sound of an engine. And then soon even the engine sound was gone. To Jamie, the whole place sounded quieter than it had all summer.
“Well, let me just get the kids and we can be off.” Aunt Claire turned and headed back toward their cottage. Uncle Carr went back to the Jetta and rearranged their luggage in the obsessive way that dads do.
Jamie shuffled on the grass for a few seconds and then aimlessly walked around the side of the house and out into the backyard. A knot of seagulls had collected over the finger of water behind the cottages, apparently chasing a school of fish. Jamie watched them and wondered if she’d see the same birds next year. And that made her wonder: What would she be like in a year? She guessed that she’d still be the same Jamie. But knowing how quickly things could change over the course of a few months, she knew that she would be different, too.
“Jamie, why don’t you go check your room really quickly to see if there’s anything you missed,” Aunt Claire shouted from the deck.
Jamie trudged back up the lawn and into the cottage, making her way through the den and down the hallway. She walked into her bedroom and sat on the bed, looking around. Half purposely, shehad forgotten something. She let her eyes skip over it a few times, and then finally, focused on it.
The photo of Ethan was still stuck in the corner of her mirror, tucked tightly between the wooden frame and the glass. She’d planned to burn it, as some kind of symbolic girl power thing, but the time had gotten away from her. Quietly, she stood and slid it out of the crease, holding it on the corner with her thumb and forefinger. There were matches in the drawer in the kitchen. She could burn it in the sink. It would be a nice ritual.
But Jamie didn’t move from her spot. She didn’t really want to go find the matches, or want to burn the picture anymore. With her pinky she rubbed over the scar on Ethan’s chin, just barely visible in the photo, thinking about all the things that she had loved about him. She tucked the photo into her palm and slid her hand into her front right pocket, leaving the picture there.
She’d put it in a box when she got home. She’d keep it in her closet somewhere—not anywhere important, but somewhere tucked away and safe. Jamie knew now that there were certain things you had to let go.
But that didn’t mean they ever had to leave you.
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