by A. J. Markam
You know… given my impending death and all.
Up above me I heard Alaria scream, “IAN?!”
A slender silhouette dove off the top of the building and raced towards me, its wings flapping furiously.
The detached part of me that had noticed the glass and the stars thought, Wait – I’ve already been falling for at least a second or two – there’s no way she can reach me in time.
And seriously, can flapping her wings make her fall faster?
But, hey. This was OtherWorld, and we were talking about a succubus. Regular Galileo rules probably didn’t apply.
They obviously didn’t, because she caught up with me. Her glowing yellow eyes grew from tiny pinpoints to regular size as she pulled within a few feet of me.
She stretched out her hand, and I reached for hers. For a split second, our fingers touched –
And then I hit the ground with a sound and sensation I can only describe as a watermelon getting tossed off a freeway overpass and splatting on the sidewalk.
A violent jolt WHOMPED through my body and everything went black.
I immediately woke up in the graveyard.
“ALARIA!” I screamed.
She’d been right there above me when I’d died, going even faster than I’d been – so that meant she had probably died, too.
I checked my Action Bar and panicked when I didn’t see her icon.
Then I remembered, Oh yeah, I moved it so I didn’t have to look at it all the time…
I opened the pirate submenu and there she was, her colors a tiny bit dimmer than usual. Which meant she was dead.
Luckily that could be easily fixed.
I hit the button, and suddenly she appeared in a burst of fire and smoke next to me – with her bra and thong magically on.
“IAN!” she screamed, and threw her arms around my neck and held me so tight I thought she might strangle me.
“You’re choking me,” I wheezed.
She let go and looked into my face, her expression panicked and sad. “I thought I was going to lose you again!”
“Well, technically you did,” I said with a grin, “but it’s okay now.”
“Did that little bitch throw you out the window?!”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t matter – you tried to save me!”
“Well, of course I did,” she said, mystified.
“But you died trying to save me!”
“Yes, but…” She stopped and pondered that. “Huh… I didn’t even think twice…”
I cupped her face in my hands and kissed her. She returned it with equal passion.
Then I pulled away. “We need to get out of here right now while we have the chance.”
“No, first I’m going to kill her,” Alaria seethed.
I wasn’t listening. I was looking up at the 30-story high-rise, which was about a quarter of a mile away.
A winged shape carrying a flaming sword launched out of the top floor and arced around towards the cemetery.
“We’re going back there right now,” Alaria snapped.
“I don’t think that’ll be necessary…” I muttered.
Meera dropped from the sky and landed amongst the tombstones twenty feet away.
The burning sword was the only thing illuminating her in the darkness, but it revealed plenty. She was dressed in silver armor that reflected the yellow flames. Other than her face, the only things the armor didn’t cover were her wings, which beat the air angrily. In her other hand was a medieval trumpet, a three-foot-long silver horn with a flared mouth. Her hair was wild and tousled, and her face was angry and fierce.
“Are you ready to face judgment, Warlock?” Meera shouted.
“No, but I am going to kick your lily white ASS,” Alaria yelled as fire erupted in her hand and her pitchfork appeared.
“NO!” I yelled, and put one hand across Alaria’s body to hold her back. “Meera – we don’t have to do this!”
“Oh, I think we do,” she said coldly.
Suddenly Blutus SLAMMED down beside me and Alaria, his giant leathery wings flapping as he cradled Stig in his arms like a baby.
“Ow, ow, ow,” Blutus whined as he danced back and forth on his oversized, furry feet.
“It’s four against one,” I said to Meera. “I know you’re tough, but there’s no way that you can fight us off alone.”
“I don’t intend to,” she sneered. “You and your demon slut can face the end together.”
She lifted the horn to her lips and blew it like Gabriel’s trumpet on Judgment Day. The noise shook the ground beneath our feet and slammed into us like the percussive blast of fireworks.
Up above us the clouds began to boil and churn. Dozens of winged figures descended from the sky, all of them dressed in silver armor and bearing flaming swords.
“Uh oh,” Stig said.
“Ohhhhhh shit,” I muttered.
“Are they friendly?” Blutus asked in a quavering voice.
“Probably not.”
“I think you were right,” Alaria said, stunned.
“About what?”
“We should have left when we had the chance…”
The angels dropped to the ground all around the graveyard. There was an even split of males and females, all of them ethereally beautiful, sort of like Final Fantasy characters with bird wings. Almost all of them were blond, although the occasional dark-haired seraph could be seen amongst their ranks.
“Sister Meera,” a tall, blond male said in a stern voice, “we have heard your call and appeared. What is the nature of your summons?”
“To rain down judgment on this Warlock and his demons, Brother Arvos,” Meera yelled.
“WHAT?!” Stig shouted, incensed.
“Yeah, Stig was nothing but nice to you back there!” I said.
Meera hesitated.
“…spare the imp, if you can,” she muttered.
“But it is a demon,” Arvos said, his voice dripping with disgust. It was the same tone of voice a normal person might use to describe a tapeworm wriggling around in a dog turd.
“I said if you can.”
“CHILL, BITCH!” Stig yelled, straining forward from Blutus’s arms like an enraged toddler. Then he yelled at Arvos, “TELL THAT BITCH TO CHILL!”
The male angel looked totally bewildered.
“I only want the warlock and his hell-slut dead,” Meera called out.
“You hypocritical little twat,” Alaria seethed. “You weren’t so high and mighty when you had your fingers up my – ”
She didn’t get a chance to finish, because eighty demons suddenly poured out of the shadows and into the graveyard. They were led by the black, scaly monster who had attacked Meera in the alleyway and me at the shipyards.
“Kill the warlock and his pigeon friends!” Toothy roared.
“What the fuck?!” I yelped.
“Who are they?!” Arvos yelled.
“CHILL, BITCH!” Stig screamed at Toothy. “SOMEBODY TELL THAT BITCH TO CHILL!”
From there it turned into an all-out melee.
The demons leapt through the air and attacked the angels.
The angels swung their swords in flaming arcs.
The demons blasted back with fireballs, sonic screams, pitchforks, and various dark magic attacks.
And amidst it all, me and my crew started hitting anybody who came at us.
Alaria jabbed with her pitchfork. Blutus flung chains. Stig shot fireballs. And I cast Doomsday and Soul Sucked for all I was worth.
Meera was just as surprised by the demon attack as I was, and slashed and stabbed at them in a frenzy.
The angels were more powerful individually, but the demons outnumbered us all 3-to-1. A couple of red-skinned devils might go up in flames, but seconds later a swarm of them would overwhelm an angel like hyenas dragging down a wounded gazelle.
I looked around in horror as the demons went all Clockwork Orange. This was why people hated and feared them so much: they were like soccer hoo
ligans on meth.
I had to end this and end it now.
I searched the crowd for Toothy. There he was, battling it out with Meera with a couple other monstrosities at his side.
If my collar had still been around her neck, I could have just ordered Meera to retreat and take her friends with her. Only a few of the demons had wings, so they wouldn’t be able to –
I stopped in my tracks.
That’s it.
First I triggered my Invisibility spell, giving me 20 seconds to enact my plan.
I reached into my bag, pulled out the temporary collar, ran over towards Meera –
And jumped on Toothy’s back.
He bucked and writhed, but I hung on. I got my hands around his throat –
Click.
The collar snapped into place just as he threw me off onto the ground.
“Tell them to retreat, but you stay here!” I ordered as I became visible once more.
The collar glowed. Toothy got a panicked look in his eye like WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! as he opened his mouth and shouted, “Brothers, RETREAT!”
The demons all paused and looked around in shock. After all, they were winning by sheer attrition.
“Again!” I hissed.
“RETREAT!” Toothy screeched. “BY THE WHORE OF THE ABYSS, RETREEAAT!”
The demons looked at each other in surprise, then took off scampering into the shadows.
All but Toothy.
The remaining angels – now little more than a dozen – looked around in wide-eyed wonder. They had been expecting to be slaughtered, but their foes had been routed and were on the run.
“Should we pursue?” one of the angels asked Arvos.
“No – kill him!” I yelled as I pointed at Toothy.
The black demon’s eyes bugged out. He turned to flee –
“FREEZE!” I screamed.
The collar glowed and Toothy froze in place, one leg comically extended midair.
“GET HIM!” I yelled.
The angels lunged forward and turned the black demon into a pincushion for flaming swords. He screamed as twelve different blades ran him through in all directions.
His hit points were dropping rapidly –
But because of that collar, I was just going to have to deal with him all over again if I didn’t do something now.
“Wait, don’t kill him yet!” I yelled, and rushed over to the clutch of armored angels. I reached in amongst the swords, removed the collar from Toothy’s neck, and then jumped back. “Okay – NOW!”
The angels all sliced their swords through the demon’s body. Pieces of him went flying, and then the rest of him disappeared in a blast of flame. The only thing left of him was the echo of his scream dying out amongst the tombstones.
Alaria, Stig, Blutus, and I stood there nervously as the angels all slowly turned to look at us.
“…thank you…?” Arvos said in a puzzled voice, as though he couldn’t quite figure out why a Warlock and his demons had helped out a bunch of angels.
“Are we still supposed to kill them?” another angel asked, clearly conflicted.
“YES!” Meera yelled, even though I’d just saved her ungrateful ass.
“HEY!” Stig roared.
“…except for the imp,” she muttered.
“But by the All-Father’s command, kindness shown to us should be returned threefold,” another angel protested.
“This is true,” Arvos agreed.
“So kill them quickly and mercifully!” Meera shouted.
“Why do you want them dead so badly, Sister?” Arvos asked.
“Yeah,” Alaria sneered, “you didn’t want me dead so badly when I had my tongue in your cooch half an hour ago.”
All the angels gasped as one.
Seriously, it sounded like an old ladies’ knitting circle had all seen a dick pic at the same time.
Meanwhile, Meera’s eyes bugged out and her cheeks turned beet red.
“The demoness raped you?!” Arvos roared, and held up his sword to strike down Alaria.
“HELL NO!” my succubus yelled. “SHE was the one who made ME come!”
Another exaggerated gasp. All the angels turned accusingly towards Meera, whose face now resembled a gleaming red fire truck.
“Sister… is this true?!” Arvos whispered in shock. “Did you… lie carnally with the succubus?!”
“Noooo…” Meera said, sounding just like a politician about to explain why they voted for something before they voted against it.
“Bullshit!” Alaria yelled. “Make her swear on the – whatever you freaks have for a holy book!”
“Sister Meera,” Arvos said sternly, “by the Holy Name of the All-Father, tell me the truth – did you lie carnally with the succubus?”
“I… can explain,” Meera said in a little meep of a voice.
Another dick-pic gasp from the knitting circle.
“And you were just allowed back into the Heavenly Host,” a dark-haired woman clucked disapprovingly.
“It seems that impure thoughts were not your only sin,” another tsked.
“I am disappointed in you, Meera,” Arvos said coldly. “You have betrayed us all.”
Meera wilted. Her shoulders slumped and she lowered her head in shame, unable to meet their gaze.
I felt horrible for her.
She’d been acting like a bitch the last ten minutes, yeah, but she’d just been dumped.
When I got dumped, I’d gone on a weeklong bender with a couple more weeks of assholery as a chaser, so ten minutes was nothing.
And now these assholes were publicly humiliating her.
I glanced over at Alaria, expecting to see her gloating. Instead, her face almost looked pained.
“You are hereby banished from the Heavenly Host – forever,” Arvos said, and held up his sword to strike Meera down.
“NO – WAIT!” I screamed, rushing forward.
But I was too late.
The fiery sword flashed through the air and struck Meera’s armor.
There was a metallic ringing, and an explosion rent the air.
I was knocked to the ground as pieces of silver armor fell in a meteor shower all around us.
In the center of the blast wave stood Meera, wreathed in a plume of smoke, trying to hide her naked body with her hands and arms as she wept in shame.
As the other angels picked up the pieces of silver armor, Arvos sneered, “Now you may follow whatever base desires you wish, for you are no longer one of us.”
Meera cried out in pain and fell to her knees.
“You assholes!” I shouted.
All the angels looked at me in surprise.
“There’s no reason for this!” I yelled. “You’re just – you’re just being pricks!”
“Holier-than-thou fuckheads,” Alaria added.
“CHILL, BITCH!” Stig roared as he pointed directly in Arvos’s face.
The angel commander sneered at us. “I will overlook your blasphemies, seeing as how you came to our aid earlier. But if you ever cross our path again, Warlock… you and your demons will surely die.”
With that he flapped his wings and took off into the air, followed by his fellow soldiers. They all soared back up into the clouds and disappeared.
“Well, shit,” I grumbled, then looked back down in front of me.
Meera was weeping uncontrollably as she knelt there on the ground.
“Meera, are you okay?” I whispered.
“Go away,” she bawled without looking at me.
I took a tentative step closer to her. “Meera – ”
“PLEASE, just GO!” she cried, her entire body wracked with sobs.
“He just wants to make sure you’re not hurt,” Alaria said, her voice neutral and calm.
For the first time since Arvos had struck her armor from her, Meera raised her eyes – to glare at Alaria. The hatred in her gaze was matched only by her grief.
“Can’t you just let me be, you hell-slut?!”<
br />
Alaria scowled. “I was just trying to help you, bitch.”
“HELP ME?! YOU TOOK EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME!” Meera screamed.
“I didn’t take your Goddess-damned armor!” Alaria shouted.
“I don’t care about the armor!” Meera cried incredulously, then pointed straight at me. “I only wanted HIM – and you took him away from me!”
Alaria reacted as though she’d been slapped in the face.
And me? It felt like Meera had stabbed my heart again with her sword.
“Even though I beat you, you STILL took him away from me!” Meera shrieked. “Haven’t you done enough?! You’ve WON, alright?! He loves you, not me! Can’t you stop humiliating me and just let me die in peace?!”
She lowered her head and broke down again in tears.
Oh God…
I didn’t know what to do. I just stood there, totally devastated by how heartbroken she was, and ashamed at how I had contributed to it.
Alaria, though, got a calm look on her face and marched right over in front of Meera.
“Get up,” she said firmly.
Meera didn’t say anything. She just kept kneeling there in the dirt.
“I said get UP.” Alaria grabbed Meera beneath her armpits and hoisted her to her feet.
Meera looked at her incredulously. “What are you doing?!”
I was asking myself the same question. “Yeah, what are you – ”
And then Alaria kissed Meera.
Not some little peck, either.
A full-on, open-mouthed French kiss.
I froze.
Holy SHIT.
Meera’s eyes opened wide. She didn’t move for a second, and then she began to struggle and flail against Alaria, trying to push her away.
Alaria didn’t stop.
In fact, she went further.
She grabbed Meera’s wrist and placed the angel’s hand on her big, red, leather-bikini’d breast.
Meera’s eyes bugged out even more, if that was possible – but she stopped struggling.
Then Alaria slipped her bikini top up and placed Meera’s hand over her bare nipple.
Meera’s eyes suddenly rolled back in her head, and she sort of went limp as she felt Alaria up and continued to French kiss her.
Alaria let go of Meera’s hand, reached around, and clutched the angel’s bare ass. Then Alaria pulled Meera against her body even harder as they continued to kiss.
“Awkward,” Stig whimpered.