You think that women shouldn’t be ridiculed for speaking openly about their experiences in the world? You think that people should actually have to listen to women when they speak and be open to the possibility of learning something? You think women might have something of value and insight to say about what sexism looks like and how it presents itself? You don’t think that we can just rely on men to be able to define sexism for us and insist that their interpretation of our experience is the correct one? You think that most men have no idea what sexism feels like, that most of them think it’s the same as them getting upset over being ‘lumped in’ with the Really Bad Men – you know, the ones who girls and women have a responsibility to always, constantly and vigilantly protect themselves from but are also never allowed to talk about because that might make other men, the good men, feel bad? Wait a minute, you think sexism actually exists in the western world and isn’t just the province of those backward countries where women are really oppressed? Countries where really oppressed women understand and experience real oppression, like men telling them what they should and shouldn’t wear in order to avoid being exploited and assaulted, where men occupy the majority of positions of power, where the voices of men are amplified while the voices of women are silenced, where women are killed by men all the time – you know, the kind of oppression women in the west apparently don’t experience at all, and yet show no appreciation for being spared? You know, like the kind of oppressive behaviour that can be blamed solely on brown men and that allows white, western men to feel safe and insulated from having to engage with their own patriarchal complicity and criminal behaviour? You actually think that we should listen to women when they speak about this stuff instead of just laughing at them or telling them to get over it or calling them vile, abusive names until they understand that their oppression is made up because men here are nice and women would be wise to remember that? You should see what we could do to you if we wanted to, you ungrateful cunt.
You think the elevation of men’s stories, voices and experiences over women’s is a bit uneven, do you? You think it’s telling that the vast majority of people elected to govern are men, despite the fact that communities which demonstrate strong representation of women in leadership roles have been proven to create healthier, better communities overall? You think the prevalence of white, middle- to upper-class, cis-het men in positions drafting and passing legislation isn’t just unfair but damaging, as if the input of the swathes of people who exist outside of this category might have something relevant to say about how society should conduct itself? You want to see more funding directed towards art created by women, towards books written by women of colour, towards films featuring trans characters played by trans people, towards columns helmed by disabled women, more stories more art more voices more music by more women of all identities? Why do you want to silence men?
LOL, you think the gender pay gap is ‘real’? You think women should receive equal pay for equal work, even though there’s a possibility they might later leave in order to take on the necessary and thankless task of providing humans for the next generation? You think that companies should be forced to absorb that cost, because research has shown that letting women exit the workplace forever is bad for the economy while retaining them makes good financial sense? You don’t think that’s a waste of money? What do you know about money? You think issues like superannuation and retirement are key feminist concerns because women over the age of sixty-five are one of the fastest-growing groups represented in statistics on homelessness? You think women actually deserve to be paid the same as men, instead of being paid less and also being lumped with the majority of the world’s unpaid domestic and reproductive labour? Stop blaming men for not being good enough at your jobs.
Wow. I can’t believe you hate men so much! I feel sorry for you. This isn’t what real feminism should look like.
You know what? Some women do hate men. They have good reason to. They might have been raped and beaten and downtrodden and abused, and they have reached their breaking point. They might have lived a nightmare you can’t even conceive of. To these women, men might represent the enemy because the role they have played in these women’s lives – a role that might involve sexual abuse, exploitation, emotional manipulation and perhaps even attempts to kill them – has consistently shown themselves to be exactly that. If these women hate men, who is anyone to blame them?
Other women may not hate men, but just marginally despise them. They have good reason to as well. They might have been undermined and devalued their entire lives. They might have been told their womanhood makes them inherently weaker than men and been forced to sit and endure quietly as their freedom contracted in correlation with the inverse expansion of the boys around them. They might have been told, ‘Do this,’ and given no explanation for why such drudgery should become their responsibility aside from ‘because it’s women’s work’. These women might have wondered why their brothers were allowed to stay out late and roam the streets while they were kept indoors because ‘it’s not safe for you’. Later they might wonder why, if safety was such an important consideration for girls, they never heard their parents talk to brothers about not hurting women. These women watched as the boys around them ascended to thrones built of privilege, and it made them sick to realise these boys believed they’d earned their coronations.
Still others may not hate or despise men at all. They might love men. And they might be able to do this while recognising the extraordinary advantages that men in general (particularly the white, middle-class, cis-het ones) enjoy over everyone else, often in tandem with the denial that these advantages exist at all. These women who love men – the women who enjoy the presence of their husbands, fathers, brothers, sons, cousins, friends, colleagues, the man who serves them coffee at their local, the Uber driver they spoke to last night – might also express frustration and anger over the times men do not treat them with the same level of respect. They might rant when a man tells them to ‘lighten up’ when they complain about sexist commentary. They might fume when a man tells them that instead of complaining about street harassment and ‘tarring all men with the same brush’, they should be flattered by it because ‘it’s a compliment’. These women who love and adore the men in their lives and recognise the potential for goodness that exists in all men might still feel like crying sometimes, because for all the love they offer the world’s men, the hate those men are capable of offering back can be heartbreaking and soul-destroying.
Instead of berating feminists for being misandrists, perhaps these men should start taking responsibility for the abominable, destructive and dehumanising treatment of women throughout all of history up to and including the present day. Because here’s the thing: at a broad sweep, men have given us countless reasons to hate them. They have certainly provided ample evidence of their hatred for us, and the violence they inflict has more physical, cultural and economic power behind it than women subjugated by a patriarchal system could ever hope to replicate.
Despite all this, most of us don’t hate men. Most of us still engage with men on a substantial level, choosing to befriend them, marry them, create families with them, become mothers to them. We choose to love them. But we are allowed to love ourselves as well. Yet when we engage in this radical act of self-love, unashamedly, openly and fearlessly, we are asked, ‘Why do you hate men?’
Why do we hate men?
Again, the better question to ask is: why do men hate us, and why do they hate us so much?
Very few people seem to find anything offensive about the presumption that feminism is a cover for ‘misandry’. The stereotype of the man-hating, ball-breaking scold is so deeply entrenched in cultural ideology that identifying feminists as such is typically absorbed as par for the course. Those women who do take umbrage at this representation (and if you are one of them, I fervently hope that this book will inspire you to let go of those concerns) are met with the same response given to all women who com
plain about how society or individuals depict them as objects of ridicule. They’re told to get over it, to lighten up, to learn to take a joke. They’re also told that they brought it on themselves, that being a feminist in this day and age is automatically synonymous with man-hating, that if they truly cared about equality they’d call themselves a humanist (which, by the way, is an existing ideology with a definition that has nothing to do with gender or equality at all) or the even more meaningless ‘egalitarian’. ‘Outspoken’ feminists – by which I mean feminists who dare to speak about their politics in any way, shape or form – incite the anger of people deathly afraid of women’s power, and whose only recourse against it is to try to nullify it by using the threat of male exclusion.
This is standard procedure. It’s seen as perfectly acceptable to accuse a woman of misandry and admonish her for the supposedly gargantuan crime of man-hating. This stereotype is used to control women, because – as I’ve already mentioned – one of the worst things a woman can do is to consciously opt out of the apparently great privilege of enthusiastically sucking on patriarchy’s dick. Man-hating = bad.
But what happens when similar discussions of misogyny or even garden-variety sexism are raised? What happens when a woman criticises the actions of one man or a group of men, and connects these actions with the gender inequality that thrives in broader society? If you guessed that a dozen or so men would pop up to clarify that, actually, not all men are like this and that must be specified before the feminist discussion goes any further then DING DING DING! Congratulations! You win a prize! It is a cushioned band to protect your noggin from all the head-desking you must do.
‘Not all men’ has become the notorious battle cry some men (see what I did there?) bellow whenever women start speaking about the impact misogyny has on our lives. It’s become a running joke on my Facebook page, with regular commenters often taking informal bets to see how long it takes for a variation on the ‘not all men’ theme to pop up on posts about domestic violence, sexual assault or just basic male entitlement. I’ve found that the theme of these comments can be separated into three basic categories.
The Super Right-On Male Feminist Ally: Is totally here for women’s rights and equality and totally wants every woman to know just how here he is for them. He’s so here for them that it upsets him to be associated with those other guys. Instead of turning his Super Right-On attention to schooling those bad boys on their behaviour, he thinks it’s more important to get women to acknowledge just how much of an ally he is. And if they refuse to do that, how can he in good conscience continue to support them?
Typical comment: ‘Those men disgust me, but I’m disappointed that you don’t acknowledge that not all men are like this. How are we supposed to be allies if you lump us in with the bad guys?’
What you should say: ‘If you think the post isn’t about you, then it’s not about you. But if your allegiance is conditional on being flattered and showered with gratitude, then you weren’t really an ally to begin with.’
The Feminism is Dangerous and that’s Why It’s Dying Whiplash Prophet: Is very concerned with letting you know how irrelevant and outdated he finds your views. In fact, he’s so concerned with letting you know how irrelevant you are that he’ll devote multiple hours to the theme, using whatever medium he can to yell at you that men are tired of being demonised and subjugated by the feminist agenda. This guy is deeply aggrieved by the thought men are being stereotyped unfairly, and will defend that stance by building a Straw Feminist and attempting to set her alight.
Typical comment: ‘This is why feminism is such a joke now, because you act as if all men are criminals. In fact, 99 percent of men are good guys, but you don’t care about that. Feminists are just angry because they’re ugly.’
What you should say: ‘Can you cite your source for the statistical claim that 99 percent of men are good? Please note that “my butt” is not considered a peer-reviewed journal.’
The Fuck All Feminazis Guy: Hates feminists because his wife left him and/or beautiful women don’t want to date him. Claims this is because he isn’t rich, ripped and willing to treat them like an arsehole. Cannot conceive of the fact that it might actually be because he is a terrifying, sad individual who quite obviously has a problem seeing women as human-being people. Fuck All Feminazis Guy thinks men are genuinely enslaved by an all-powerful matriarchy. He blames feminism and the family courts for male suicide rates. Refuses to be labelled a misogynist because he insists no one loves women more than he does.
Typical comment: ‘Fat fugly feminazi cunt, do you bathe in the tears of all the men who killed themselves this week? Fuck you, not all men are the bastards you make them out to be, you dumb slut.’
What you should say: Nothing. Block and delete them. These men don’t deserve your time, and their hatred of women is legitimately terrifying. (Of course, if you’re like me you never do what anyone tells you, so if you have to respond, do it with a meme. I like the one of Dawson Leary crying, but kittens sometimes work too.)
We can laugh about these guys (particularly the last one) and we should. In fact, a note on that: women should direct more of their laughter at men, primarily because men can be so ridiculous and they also get so upset when women laugh at them. Ever had a man tell you to relax and take a joke? Ever had him tell you you’re overreacting when you object to something sexist he’s said or behave as if you’re being hysterical and unreasonable because you told him something was offensive? And have you ever hesitated over calling out a man on his rank, sexist humour because you didn’t want to have the inevitable interaction which involved him laughing at you and telling you to stop being so sensitive?
Of course you have – you’re a woman. But compare that attitude to the way men behave when we laugh at them in return. Oh my good giddy aunt, you’d think we’d poured a jar of fire ants all over their junk. The way they erupt into a volcano of rage is hysterically funny in and of itself. It’s almost as if they haven’t spent their entire lives being conditioned to think of themselves as a foolish waste of space who lacks the proper objectivity to understand how ridiculous they are. It’s almost as if they haven’t been shamed and gaslit into absorbing ridicule as part and parcel of simply existing. Why . . . it’s almost as if they’ve been raised to believe they’re worthy of some kind of respect!
I’ve started joking about men more often and more deliberately on social media now just to watch as they stumble over themselves to lecture me on how offensive I’m being and how disgustingly sexist I am. At the end of 2015, I sent out a deliberately provocative tweet that said, I’m not sexist or anything, but men just aren’t funny. Of course, this is the kind of thing women hear all the time. When we argue that maybe, probably, perhaps, possibly this isn’t strictly true, usually in relation to the lack of women on comedy bills or supposed-to-be-funny panel shows, we’re told that if women were funnier, we would get more gigs as funny-makers. That’s how the world works, you see. It’s a meritocracy. And if it’s a meritocracy (which it definitely, definitely is except for in the millions of cases when it isn’t), then we can hardly blame all the white, middle-class, mostly middle-aged, cis-het men for just being better at everything.
So I tweeted out a variation on an argument women hear all the time and I kid you not, within about three seconds there were ten men gnashing to get their gobs around the bait. One of them said he was a Feminist (with a capital F) and followed my work, but he had found this tweet ‘extremely disappointing’ (I guess he can’t follow my work too closely, because most of my tweets are considered extremely disappointing to one man or another). A handful more swiftly rattled off tweets of their own about things women couldn’t do as well as men and that was nice because then it felt like just an ordinary day instead of another Clem Wants To Make A Point On Twitter festivus. Another guy just started tweeting the names of famous male comedians at me alongside a hashtag, as if maybe I’d just woken up that day with temporary amnesia and imagined I might be liv
ing in a world where women weren’t constantly reminded of men’s Great Achievements. Oh! I was supposed to think to myself. Billy Connolly! Of course, I forgot about him. Well, I guess that settles the matter. CASE CLOSED.
Rather than dissuade me, that little experiment just further convinced me that women should laugh at men frequently and often and even more so when it makes them mad. Don’t let anyone tell you this is an example of ‘reverse sexism’, or some other made-up thing that doesn’t exist but which once again makes privileged men out to be the most victimised group in society. Laughing at the men who grow irate whenever women assert themselves isn’t bullying, nor is it a blanket dismissal of men the world over. To borrow an olden day phrase, it is what it is. Pointedly, the ‘is’ of this is highlighting how absurd and ridiculous some men can be when their power is challenged even slightly. If they have even a shred of the self-awareness that they claim to, they might just use it as a teachable moment for how it feels to live in a world where your opinions and hurt are routinely dismissed as ‘humourless oversensitivity’.
But here’s where we need to get serious. Because while those Not All Men types may be parodies of outrage in and of themselves, they also have a lot of power. They have a lot of power because women have been trained since birth to coddle men’s feelings and to regulate our behaviour so as not to appear too intrusive or domineering. We are taught to shrink ourselves so that we take up as little space as possible, but we are also told to sacrifice the little space we do have – and to do so joyfully – to men and their voices.
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