The only way I’d ever rid myself of her was to come clean. To open myself up and become so authentic, so light inside, that she had no dark refuge in which to hide.
And to do that, I had to go back.
11
“Finally,” Abbie whispered as Owen’s eyes shut. “I’m never taking him on an airplane again.”
“I’m sure he’ll get better,” I said. “And just think, if he hadn’t been screaming his head off, that rude guy wouldn’t have been so willing to switch seats with me.”
Abbie seemed in no mood for positive thinking. She reclined her seat and continued patting Owen’s back. “I’m so exhausted. Who thought taking the red-eye back home was a good idea? Like what I really need is to lose more sleep.”
“Then go to sleep.”
She gave me a cross look. “I can’t just go to sleep. I’ll drop him.”
“Then give him to me. I’m not tired.”
“But you will be in, like, an hour. And then you’ll drop him.”
“I won’t drop him.”
She sighed. “No. He’s my responsibility. I’ll take care of him.”
“Stop being cranky and hand him over. If I get too tired, I promise I’ll wake you up.”
Abbie must have been tired. On a normal day, she’d have gone ten more rounds with me, but she handed over Owen and curled onto her side as best she could. Instead of closing her eyes, she reached out and stroked Owen’s mound of hair. “I’m always hopeful for a break, but then I feel guilty when I get one.”
“Well, stop. Just get some sleep.”
She sighed and closed her eyes. Despite her awkward positioning, she fell asleep within the minute.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. My mind buzzed with thoughts of returning home. Of everything I’d be facing. Like Connor.
I grimaced. I didn’t want to think about Connor. I’d think about Owen instead. His long eyelashes and plump cheeks. The way he sucked his thumb even during sleep. The way he brought out the best and worst in all of us.
Across the aisle, Mom had leaned into Dad’s shoulder, and then he’d leaned his head against hers. They both appeared sound asleep, and it brought a smile to my face. How could Grammy not encourage my mom in her marriage? How could she say things like Dad would hurt her again, and use it as an argument for ending the relationship? Okay, so maybe I’d had kinda similar thoughts about Connor and me, but that was totally different.
Ugh. Okay, it wasn’t different at all. It was the exact same lousy reasoning.
I didn’t want to forgive him. I didn’t want to figure out how to trust him. I wanted to harbor my grudge and find a new guy who’d never even seen Jodi. Was that too much to ask?
I thought of Monday, when Justin and I had dissolved after a mere weekend of a relationship. No matter what he thought, I hadn’t just been using him. He’d seemed like a nice guy, and I’d liked him. I’d seen possibilities in him. And how quickly his flaws had shown.
But every guy had flaws. It came down to which flaws I could deal with and which I couldn’t. Being a super nice guy who wanted to help everyone and sometimes became vulnerable prey for beautiful girls? Maybe that was something I could get over.
I frowned. Of course, I hadn’t talked to Connor since he left me those messages about me being over him and moving on and all that. And Lisa had commented on a “vibe” or whatever between him and Jodi. Maybe I was too late. But I wasn’t going back to Kansas for Connor. I was going back for me. For healing. For character.
I turned and looked out the window, at the vast darkness of the Pacific Ocean. Was Grammy really okay with me leaving? Papa had seemed proud, like he thought I’d made the right decision, but Grammy had cried when I told her.
“It’s not that I don’t want to be here, because I love being with you and Papa. I just don’t want to be away from my family right yet,” I’d said, in tears myself. I didn’t want Grammy reacting like Justin had. I didn’t want her calling me out for the horrible person I was.
Grammy patted my hand and put on a smile. “You’re a sweet girl,” she said. “And we want you to visit as soon as you can.”
“Just as soon as Justin moves from across the street,” I said, and Grammy laughed and laughed.
My first Saturday afternoon back in Kansas City found me where many others had—standing on Heather’s door-step. I knocked with my elbow since my hands contained cups of Sheridan’s custard. Tucked under my arms were bridal magazines and a couple sketches I’d drawn. Knowing Heather, she probably had more ideas than she needed, but the project excited me too much to stifle creativity. It felt good to be productive.
Heather whipped open the door and threw her arms around me. “You’re here!”
I hugged back as best I could with the magazines and ice cream.
“Come on in,” she said, her blonde hair swishing as she stepped aside.
I stepped into her living room, finding it as I normally did—a chaotic mess of half-folded laundry and various sewing projects. “I can’t believe Brent’s seen this and still wants to marry you.”
Heather laughed, her eyes sparkling. “You should see his place. Come on, we’re in the kitchen.”
We? As in Brent? I blushed at my joke. I’d never have said it in front of him. I barely knew the guy.
I followed her around the corner into her narrow kitchen and stopped in my tracks. Jodi sat at the table, shiny odds and ends scattered before her. It looked like they’d been making jewelry.
“Hey,” I said.
Jodi smiled. “Hey. How was Hawaii?”
“Great.”
“It’s so unfair that a trip to see your grandparents means a Hawaiian vacation,” Heather said as she pulled down a water glass for me. “Both my grandparents live in Peoria, Illinois.”
“Gotcha beat. Mine are in Wichita and Peculiar, Missouri,” Jodi said with a roll of her eyes.
I couldn’t stand holding the ice cream any longer and set it on the counter. “Sorry I didn’t bring you any, Jodi. I didn’t know you’d be here.”
“That’s fine. I’m trying to lay off. I’ve gained five pounds since summer started.”
I imagined her and Connor seated on the grassy slope at Sheridan’s. Our grassy slope. I couldn’t even find consolation in her gaining weight. The extra pounds seemed to make her prettier.
I looked at the table and saw that they hadn’t been making jewelry, they’d been making invitations. “Are these for the wedding?”
“Aren’t they cute?” Heather held up one and admired it. “Jodi thought of them.”
Of course she did.
“That ribbon’s still in my car.” Jodi stood. “I’ll grab it and get out of your way.”
Heather looked crushed. “You’re not coming shopping with us?”
“No, I—”
“We need you. Don’t we need her, Skylar?”
What else could I say? I cleared my throat. “Sure.”
Jodi smiled. “I have to work. Thanks, though.” She glanced at me, her dark eyes seeming to search my face. “Skylar, will you help me bring in the ribbon?”
How much ribbon could there possibly be?
With Heather watching, I couldn’t exactly call her a lazy bum. “Sure,” I said again and trailed after her through Heather’s living room.
With the front door secured behind us, Jodi said, “I actually just wanted to talk to you for a minute.”
I thought I’d steeled myself for the news of her and Connor getting together, but I suddenly found breathing difficult. And it wasn’t just the muggy air.
“I know things have been weird between us for a while now, for lots of reasons. I . . .” Jodi swallowed and looked away. “I don’t want it to be like that. I want us to be friends again.”
I snorted. The idea of Jodi and me being friends? Flat-out hysterical. I’d been counting down the days until she packed up her car and headed to Vanderbilt. “I really don’t see that happening.”
Jodi sighed. “I�
�m not stupid enough to think it’ll be easy. We’ve both done awful things—”
“What have I done?”
“You’ve dated two of my ex-boyfriends. And one of them you knew I still had feelings for.”
“You never had feelings for Connor. All he ever was to you was a convenience—”
“That’s not true,” Jodi said in a sharp voice. Her eyes throbbed with pain. “But I was actually talking about Eli.”
“Eli.” I blinked a few times. “You guys had been broken up for three years when he and I got together.”
“Still.” Her voice shook as if she held back tears. “He was my first love, and I wasn’t over him. And you’d promised me you wouldn’t go there.”
“I never would’ve except—” I clamped my mouth shut before my secret escaped. Only Eli, Connor, and Abbie knew about Aaron. Even Aaron probably didn’t know what he’d done. He’d been drinking a lot, and I might just be a blur to him.
His face swam before my eyes—time hadn’t dimmed it. His penetrating brown eyes, his square jaw, his mop of dark curls.
“Except what?” Jodi sounded impatient.
“Nothing,” I said. “Look, I’m sorry about me and Eli. For lots of reasons. But it’s not like I went after him or Connor while you were dating. Not like you did to me.”
She swallowed. “I know. And I’m so sorry about that. I was a different person back then. That’s not me anymore. Surely you of all people can understand that. Our relationship with Christ changes us.”
I thought of senior prom, of Connor crushing me by asking Jodi. It’d spurred my second rum-and-Coke night, my second time around with Eli. In the last few months, we’d done more physically than we ever had when we dated, more than I’d even thought about before I became a Christian.
And I thought of my last two weeks in Hawaii, the way I’d distracted myself with Justin.
“It’s not that simple,” I said.
Jodi hadn’t been at this as long as me. Soon she’d figure out how the old Jodi still lurked beneath the surface. She’d learn how easy it could be to slip into your old skin. To tell yourself it was okay, that you weren’t hurting anyone.
“I better get back inside.” I turned away from her, then paused. “But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for what I did.”
As we browsed Kaplan’s Fabrics, Heather said yet again, “I’m still so bummed that Jodi couldn’t join us.”
Like I didn’t already know this. When Jodi had brought the ribbon inside, Heather begged her once again to come along. Then she bemoaned it at least twice on our short drive to the Plaza.
I kept my mouth shut. It seemed safer.
Heather’s hand lingered on a bolt of white silk. “She’s such a sweet girl. And she’s come so far since this winter. I’m sure you’re really proud of her.”
So it appeared no one had filled Heather in on Jodi’s and my falling out. Well, I sure wasn’t going to volunteer. “Have you decided what kind of white you want?” I asked. “Pure white? Off-white?”
“I’m thinking something more along the lines of this.” Heather abandoned the white she’d be so taken with and pulled out a pale, rosy silk.
“You’re not wearing white?” How strange. Heather seemed the traditional type of bride. Sure, she wanted something funky for style, but a dress made of shining white suited pure Heather.
“No. Not white.” Heather looked at the white silk and said with measured words, “It’s not the right choice for me.”
And then I knew.
“Oh.” I had no idea how to respond. I wanted to say the right thing, something that would let Heather know that it didn’t bother me, that I still looked up to her. My head buzzed with about a zillion questions.
“This one’s pretty, don’t you think?” Heather held the rose against her skin.
“It is,” I said, slow and careful. “But I think you should reconsider white.”
“I said no white.”
She looked desperate for me to drop it. I did.
It was stupid—I knew it was stupid—but I wanted to see Connor.
If he and Jodi really had gotten together, if Lisa had been right about that “vibe” in Starbucks, then I wanted to hear about it from him.
But of course, I had no reason to see Connor. It wasn’t like the school days of our breakup, where we shared three classes and lunch, plus rode to and from school together. Most days I’d wished for the summer, for the escape. Now it would have been nice to know there’d be excuses to bump into him, rather than driving to his house and bearing the shame of seeking him out.
After a raging internal debate as I drove away from Heather’s, I decided to endure the humiliation.
I second-guessed myself as I dawdled up the walkway. As I punched the doorbell. As I waited for the chaos that normally ensued when someone came to the door at the Rosses’ house.
Cevin reached the door first. He yapped and clawed to get out.
What had I been thinking? Clearly jet lag had played a part in this decision. I took a couple steps back. Could I make a break for it? I hadn’t even thought out what I’d say to him. Never a good idea with me. I did not do well with improv.
The curtains on the nearest window moved and Curtis’s grinning face appeared. “It’s Skylar!” His voice came muffled through the glass. “It’s Skylar!”
A second face appeared in the window, a little rounder, a little older—Cameron. He gave me his jack-o’-lantern grin. “Skylar!”
Okay, this was nice. Hopefully it’d outweigh the blow of Connor telling me he’d moved on with Jodi.
The two boys rushed out the door and slammed into me, their arms tangling around my waist. Cevin danced around our ankles, yipping as he pranced. Their enthusiasm made my heart soar.
“Hey.”
The sight of Connor standing in the doorway—bare feet, swim trunks, and wet hair—dried my throat.
I swallowed. “Hi.”
“I heard you were back.”
Because he smiled, I tried to do the same. “From Abbie, I assume.”
“No.” Connor looked uncomfortable. Right. Jodi.
“You’ll come to my party, won’t ya?” Curtis sashayed around me, his big hazel eyes dancing along with him.
“Of course.”
“We’re having a pool party.” He punctuated this with jumping a couple times. “With Spiderman! And chocolate cake!”
“Sounds sweet.” I glanced from him to Connor. Nobody said anything. “Well . . .” I took a couple steps backward. “I just came by to make sure you guys knew I was coming. To the party.”
“Can’t you play with us?” Cameron asked. “We’re gonna play basketball. You can be on my team.”
“No, I have to go. But . . .” I glanced at Connor again. “See you guys at the party.”
“Wednesday,” Connor blurted. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “We’ve got a church softball game on Wednesday. At 6:30. If you want to come.”
I nodded, my heart pounding. “Okay.”
He seemed surprised. “Okay.”
“Okay.” I took several more backward steps. “Bye, guys.”
“Bye!” the two little ones called after me, but I barely heard them over the pounding in my head.
12
“Do you know if Connor and Jodi are dating?”
Abbie couldn’t seem to muster the strength to lift her head off the couch. Instead she rolled her head to look at me, said, “I don’t know,” then rolled back to the TV. “Why don’t you ask him?”
“Because he might say he is.”
Abbie snorted. “That sounds like something I’d say. You’re normally much more rational.”
“I thought you hated that about me.”
“Nah.” Abbie smiled, but still directed her gaze to the TV. “One of us needs to be.”
Owen shifted on her chest and she patted his back until he resettled. His nose whistled every time he breathed. “You don’t think I should call the doctor?”
She sighed. “If nothing else, I guess he’s got his checkup on Wednesday.”
The mention of Wednesday brought a rush of heat to my face as I recalled yesterday, the way Connor choked out the word. He wanted me there. He wanted me around. Didn’t that mean something?
“What?” Abbie said.
I glanced at her. “What?”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Your eye’s twitching.”
Instinctively I touched the corner of my throbbing left eye. “I didn’t know you knew about my eye.”
“I didn’t.” Abbie turned back to the TV. “Connor told me.”
“Snitch.”
“Have you ever noticed on TV or in movies that characters randomly come and go from rooms?” Abbie asked. “They come in for no apparent reason, say something poignant to our troubled main character, and then walk out for no reason. That never happens in real life. I’m annoyed.”
“Want to turn it off?”
“I’m not that annoyed. And it’s giving me something to think about besides poor Owen.” She patted his back. “So what’s the verdict? Are you giving Connor another chance?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. You think we could ever get past what happened with Jodi?”
“Sure.” She didn’t give the question the consideration it deserved.
“No, really think about it.”
“I don’t need to. You love him. He loves you. Why’s Jodi an issue at all?”
I frowned at this. I didn’t like it being phrased so simply. “He broke up with me for her, yet you want to know why she’s an issue?”
“He didn’t break up with you—you broke up with him.” “Because he admitted he had feelings for her.”
“You practically pushed him into feeling them, Skylar. He was trying to get closer to you, and you kept pushing him away. You expected him to do what Eli did—cheat on you—and you didn’t give Connor much of a choice. Same as now. Don’t you think if Connor is dating Jodi—and I don’t know that he is—it’s at least partially because he doesn’t think you’re an option?”
So Over It Page 8