Ryan later swore that she had not known that Jamie had been following her. She vowed that she'd had no idea that a friendly hand was roughly grabbing her on the noisy, rather seedy street. And she pledged that she was truly, truly sorry for grabbing the startled woman by the throat and slamming her up against the plate glass window of a Subway sandwich shop so hard that her teeth rattled and her eyes rolled up in her head.
"Jamie!" she cried in horror when the frightened face that looked up at her was not the armed attacker that her body had prepared her for but the normally gentle visage of her lover. "Oh my God!" she cried as the small woman sank to the ground. A crowd gathered, mumbling among themselves about the big woman hitting the small one for no reason at all.
Jamie was conscious but terribly stunned as she sat on the filthy concrete and tried to gather her senses. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" Ryan gasped, running her hands all over her lover's face and shoulders, trying to determine if she was seriously injured.
A few rough shakes of Jamie's head allowed her mind to clear enough to finally make eye contact. She leveled her gaze and asked the most hurtful question that had ever reverberated against Ryan's ears. "Did you know it was me?" she demanded.
The looks of shock, horror and astonishment that crossed her partner's face were enough to reassure her but Ryan cried again and again, "NO! GOD NO! I would never, never, ever hurt you, Jamie! Don't you know that! My God, what do you think I am?" Now the tears started to flow as Ryan collapsed on the ground right next to the still-shaken woman. She cried disconsolately, attracting stares from everyone within ten feet, many of who were witnesses to the whole scene. Jamie shakily got to her knees and wrapped her arms around her lover, murmuring comforting words to her as the sobs shook her body. It took a long while to calm the emotionally devastated woman but finally they were both able to walk. Several of the witnesses made snide remarks about what had caused the lover's tiff but they ignored them all, trying to maintain what small amount of dignity they still had.
The car was only about a block away and they made the trip in silence. They were both fully aware that each had hurt the other grievously but neither was exactly sure what she had done. Both were sure they were relatively blameless in the big scheme of things, but again, they did not want to make a terrible situation worse so they both held their tongues. When they reached the car Ryan insisted that she be allowed to drive due to the bump on the blonde's bump on the head. Jamie allowed the taller woman to take the keys and did not protest when they went to the O'Flaherty house.
Ryan pulled in front of the garage and got out to help her shaky friend into the house. Regrettably, Martin, Conor and Brendan were all present although all were speechless when they saw their faces. Ryan just shook her head in reply to their silent questions, leading Jamie straight down to her room. Once she got her settled on the loveseat she dashed back up for an ice bag. Three sets of anxious eyes were waiting for her and she spent just a moment trying to reassure them. "Nothing serious," she insisted. "We had a fight and then a bunch of misunderstandings. I was walking and she grabbed me unexpectedly from behind and I threw her against a window. She's got a bump on the head but nothing major."
Now all three mouths dropped open to match the wide eyes. Ryan had to admit that the truth was pretty bad but she didn't like to withhold information from her family, even information that made her look like an asshole. "I've got to go back down," she said as she filled a big plastic bag with ice. "Give us some time to work this out, okay?" Three heads nodded gravely as she ran back down stairs.
"How could any day that started off so nice end up so horribly?" Jamie asked plaintively when her lover returned, ice bag in hand.
"I don't know," Ryan replied as she sat next to her and gently applied the ice to the sizeable knot forming on the back of the smaller woman's skull. Ryan was inordinately glad that they were at least speaking now, but she was loath to go into all of the issues that had made the afternoon so tumultuous.
"Can we just not talk about it all?" Jamie asked timidly. Ryan nodded her complete agreement, looking rather uncomfortable as she sat on the edge of the piece. "I'd love it if you'd hold me," she said softly.
Ryan thought that some physical closeness was a very good idea and she hastened to comply. She sat very close and put the bag of ice on her shoulder, urging Jamie to sit back and rest her head up against the bag.
After ten minutes or so a small voice said, "The cold is giving me a headache. Can you take it away for a while?"
"Sure," Ryan soothed. "Wanna lie down on the bed and cuddle a little?"
"Sure," she said softly, allowing her tall partner to help her from the loveseat. Ryan climbed up on the right side of the bed and waited for her lover to get in. They were both fully clothed but had kicked off their shoes. After a few minor adjustments they were as comfortable as they were going to get and within minutes both were sound asleep, the excitement, anger and hurt combining to drain each of them physically as well as emotionally.
Seconds after they had nodded off Ryan jerked into a sitting position, scaring Jamie half out of her wits. "What's wrong?" the smaller woman cried.
"It's dangerous to sleep with a head injury!" Ryan said, in a very agitated tone.
"It's okay, Ryan," Jamie assured her. "I didn't lose consciousness you know. It's just a bump…really," she insisted as Ryan slowly sank back down onto the mattress.
"You're sure?" she mumbled through a yawn.
"Positive," Jamie said as she started to lightly rub her partner's back.
It was nearly eight o'clock when Ryan slowly woke, hungry, groggy and stiff from the uncomfortable position they were in. During the nap Jamie had migrated closer and closer until she was sprawled across Ryan's body. The weight prohibited the larger woman from moving at all and her body was unhappy about the two-hour-long straightjacket. But stiff as she was, she was unwilling to wake her partner. They had an awful lot of issues to work out and many wounds to heal and she wasn't in a hurry to get to any of them. There was a certain simple beauty to casual sex, she mused. I didn't get my emotional needs met very often but I also didn't ever get stomped on. She knew in her heart that being with Jamie was worth any amount of pain but she had to admit that today's pain would require an awful lot of pleasure to equalize it.
Jamie slowly woke a few minutes later. "Mmm, what time is it?" she croaked out in a sleep-roughened voice.
"Little past eight. You wanna get up?"
"Yeah," she mumbled. "I'm kinda hungry." She rolled off and let out a sigh. "Kinda stiff too," she admitted. After a moment to recall that she had been sleeping on another human being she turned to her lover. "You must be stiff too with me draped across you all evening."
"Little bit," she agreed, feeling uncommunicative and wary.
"Hungry?"
"Yeah."
"Feel like talking?"
"No. Not really."
"Feel like being with your family?"
"Uh-uh."
"Want me to go home?"
"Only if you want to."
"Will you talk if I stay?"
"Not sure."
Jamie got to her feet and padded into the bath. She spent a moment ordering her hair and washing her face with Ryan's nice-smelling soap. When she went back into the bedroom she announced, "I'm willing to hang out if you'll at least try to talk with me. But I don't want to just bang my head against the…" She stopped abruptly when she saw the hurt, pain-filled eyes before her. "Ryan," she said gently as she squatted in front of the bed to maintain eye contact. "We need to talk."
"I'll try," was her terse answer as her eyes flitted everywhere but Jamie's.
"That's all I ask." She held her hand out and Ryan grasped it, getting to her feet and performing a few stretches to work out the kinks. The tall woman spent a moment putting on a pair of socks and her running shoes, made a trip to the bathroom and was ready to go. "Let's walk over to 24th Street for some dinner, okay?"
A reserved nod was Ryan's
only reply and Jamie mused that her efforts to talk were less than overwhelming. But she decided to be patient and allow a conversation to develop over time. A very brief explanation to an anxious looking Martin and they were walking downhill to the business district of the Noe Valley. Ryan didn't say a word on the walk but when they reached their destination she asked, "What are you in the mood for?"
"Umm, something comforting," Jamie ventured. "My tummy's kind of upset."
"How about 'Peasant Pies'?"
"I'm not familiar. What is it?"
"A little shop that sells homemade pot pies. They're really good," she said with her first smile of the evening.
Ahh, that's the key, she mused as they walked along. She can never maintain a bad mood when food's involved. But to her surprise and displeasure Ryan was able to maintain her bad mood all through their delicious dinner. She wasn't openly hostile and would answer direct questions, but she was guarding her emotions very carefully and Jamie wondered if it wouldn't be better to just go home and let her stew.
But after dinner Ryan suggested they head over to The Dubliner for a pint. Maybe alcohol is the key, Jamie hoped as she quickly agreed.
A pint of Harp Lager seemed to be the solution she was pleased to note. They grabbed a tiny table in the rear of the bar and as soon as Ryan took a sip of her beer she was verbal. "I think we each have some things to say and I have a feeling that some of them will not be pleasant to hear. So I propose that we each give our laundry list of why we're upset. I promise not to comment or dispute anything you say if you'll do me the same courtesy." She was staring at Jamie with an open, unwavering gaze.
"Okay," she replied softly. "I'll do my best. Do you want to start?"
A quick shake of her dark head was the answer. "I'd prefer if you do."
"Okay," Jamie said slowly as she took in a deep breath and tried to order her thoughts. She nodded briefly and considered her list, "Okay, I'm most angry that you jumped out of the car with no money. I really wanted to go home and just think about what happened, but I couldn't leave you once I realized that you didn't have any way to get home. If I hadn't had to chase you I wouldn't have gotten this knot on my head," she said with a grimace as she reached up to gently touch the lump. Ryan was still silent, still completely passive. "While I was following you I believed you were intentionally avoiding me. I thought you heard me and were just in a funk and refused to stop for me. That's why I asked you if you knew it was me when you tossed me against the wall. I had been chasing you since Montgomery Street, Ryan. I parked the car once and got a $105 ticket for being in a bus stop. I had been practically driving on the sidewalk to get your attention and since I believed that you were intentionally avoiding me I was a little rough with you when I finally caught you. I know that hurt you and I just want you to understand why I said that." She reached over and grasped the strong, tanned hand that lay on the table, the dim candlelight dancing in faint patterns against her skin. Pulling the hand to her face she gently kissed the palm before placing it back down onto the table. "I love you, Ryan, and I know how much you love me. In my rational mind I know that you would never harm me physically. I was just out of my mind with frustration." Grasping and cradling the warm hand again she said, "I'm very sorry I hurt you and I hope you can forgive me."
After a few moments Ryan's gaze gentled and she asked, "Finished?" At Jamie's small nod she asked, "Do you mind if I kiss you?"
"In here?" she asked hesitantly as she looked around at the very heterosexual crowd.
Ryan just nodded with a small smile on her face. "This is the Noe Valley," she reminded her.
"And?"
"The Noe Valley is the biggest lesbian neighborhood in the city. People are very used to lesbians here. It's very common to see women being affectionate."
"I didn't know that!" Jamie cried. "I swear you've never told me that!"
"Is that a yes?" she asked, blue eyes twinkling in the low flame.
"Of course," she said softly. "You never need permission for that, Ryan."
Ryan smiled down at her as she lifted a bit in her seat and leaned over the table, capturing Jamie's lips for one chaste, gentle kiss. "Thanks for the apology," she smiled as she lowered herself back into her chair. "My turn?"
Jamie nodded silently and steeled herself for the blow she feared was coming. "I felt like you were ashamed of me," she said quietly. "When your dad came in there were a number of options you could have chosen but you picked the most humiliating one for me. I'm proud of my love for you and I'm proud that you've chosen me to love. It hurt me deeply that the first time you had the opportunity to introduce me to your family you not only didn't do so, you tried to make me disappear." She paused to let her complaint sink in and then continued. "I'm sorry that I left you so abruptly. But I was hurt and I didn't think I could hide my feelings so I thought it best to just go. In retrospect, that wasn't a kind thing to do. I should have let you drive me home. I'm sorry for that, Jamie."
Her partner reached for her hand again and gave it a gentle squeeze.
Ryan brought her small hand up and gave it a kiss. "Thanks," she said, acknowledging the forgiveness. "My only other issue is how hurt I was when you asked if I knew it was you that grabbed me. That really hurt, Jamie, but I accept you apology and I think I understand why you said it. And just for the record," she said as she squeezed her hand and stared right into her eyes, "I had no idea you were following me. I was in a real fog--I almost got lost getting to Market!" she laughed.
"Finished?" Jamie asked. At Ryan's nod she leaned over the table and puckered up. "Thanks," she said softly as Ryan rose to kiss her lightly. "Now what?"
"Well," Ryan speculated as she reflected on the work they had done, "now we discuss each of our points. But I need a fresh pint to get to the point. You?" she asked as she held up her empty glass.
"Not yet," she prudently replied, having decided to nurse her pint as long as possible.
Ryan hopped up and carried on a few minutes of banter with the bartender, a woman that Jamie remembered from St. Patrick's Day. She made a show of refusing Ryan's money, demanding a kiss as payment. Ryan willingly complied, giving her a friendly kiss on the lips. Jamie was quite glad to find that the casual touch did not make her jealous in the least. When Ryan sat back down she took a deep breath and said, "The only open issue is how you felt when your father came in."
"I know," Jamie nodded, taking a bit sip of her beer. "I admit that I freaked, Ryan. And I couldn't be sorrier that I didn't use my rational mind and introduce you. But I'm just not ready to come out to everyone yet. Please don't think I'm a wimp, Ryan, but I'm just not ready. I have to feel comfortable first and I think that will still take a while. Do you understand?"
Leaning over, she gently kissed her cheek and nodded slightly. "I understand," she said. "I mean, I had a terribly supportive family and I lived in a lesbian neighborhood and it was hard for me. I don't want to rush you, Jamie. I just want you to promise that you'll work toward being open with everyone."
"I promise, Ryan," she said as she reached over and took a big gulp of Ryan's beer. "Does that also address your earlier issue about feeling that I was ashamed of you?"
"A little," she admitted, taking a matching gulp. "I guess it would have made me feel better to have you at least introduce me as your friend. Being told to get in the closet was really harsh, Jamie."
"I know, I know," she muttered, dropping her head into her hands. "It was just a panicked reaction, Ryan. There's no one on this earth whom I could be more proud of. You are just an extraordinary woman. I promise you'll be sick of me singing your praises to everyone I know. But right now this fear is about me--just me."
"Okay," Ryan agreed, draining her glass. "Another?"
"I'll buy this one," she said with a grin. "One kiss a night from other women is your new limit, Hot Stuff." With that she sauntered over to the bar and ordered another Harp, this time from the other bartender, who gladly accepted her money.
When she sat bac
k down Ryan said, "I promise I'll give you as much time as you need to be open about our relationship, Jamie. Just let me know if you need my support."
"Constantly," she admitted as she rested her head on Ryan's shoulder. "I've got to say, Ms. O'Flaherty, that if I'm gonna fight with someone, you'd be the one I'd choose. If I could have had a discussion like this with Jack we'd still be together."
"Good thing for me he couldn't manage it, then," she said in mock alarm.
"It wasn't just him," Jamie honestly admitted. "I couldn't manage this without your help. You're just so emotionally evolved," she said. "It's like you're a member of some super race of highly evolved creatures sent here to educate the lower animals."
Ryan picked up her glass and inspected it. "You've had enough," she firmly decreed.
Around eleven Brendan popped his head into the bar. He made eye contact with the bartender and gave her a quizzical look. She smiled back and pointed to the rear corner of the place. When his eyes followed hers he smiled and stuck his head back outside. "Conor!" he called down the street. "They're in here!" His brother loped down the block from the bar he had been investigating. When he arrived Brendan asked, "Should we go in or just go home and tell Da they're okay?"
"Let's go in. I got thirsty looking all over the neighborhood."
They entered the dark space but stopped almost immediately when they caught sight of the couple. Neither man had seen Jamie since Ryan's announcement and they were both a little uncomfortable with this new dimension to their relationship. Neither was unhappy with the development, but it was a major change and they were each uncertain if it would be awkward. The young lovers were at the rearmost table, in the darkest part of the bar. Their chairs were shoved close and Jamie was cuddled up to their sister's side, her blonde head resting on Ryan's broad chest. Ryan was obviously speaking to her, her breath slightly ruffling her fair hair. A sweet slow smile bloomed across Jamie's coral-tinted lips and she laughed a bit at something Ryan said. They were oblivious to every other patron and when the boys walked up Ryan looked up at them like they were the last people she expected to see. "Uhh…hi, guys," she finally got out.
Beginnings - SF2 Page 9