by Hattie Jude
I put my hand on his chest and he stopped pumping into me. It was a momentary relief. I was too tense.
“Are you recording this?”
“What?” He frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“The camera over there.” I pointed over his shoulder and he didn’t even glance to see where I was pointing.
“No. I have a camera here for rehearsing.” He grinned and leaned down to kiss my shoulder. “It takes practice to look good on camera.”
“You swear it?”
“Yes, I swear it takes practice to look good on camera.” He laughed.
I rolled my eyes, giving his chest another slight push. He leaned down to kiss the tip of my nose and my chest did that little flutter. This playful side of him was what had been missing since I started coming over to his house. He was acting more like he had on our coffee shop dates and I let the warmth wash through me. He did feel the same.
When he began thrusting again, I was ready. I didn’t come at all, but I realized he’d been right—it was better the next time.
Third time’s a charm.
The camera wasn’t in the same place. I relaxed.
He gave me a sweet drink when I came in the door. Fruity alcohol with my red lily. My limbs loosened and he was all gleaming eyes and smiles. He danced with me in the living room and kissed me until I saw stars.
This. This was what I’d dreamed of. Finally.
When he led me into the bedroom, I stripped while he watched me appreciatively, and he took his time with me. I felt worshipped. His hands and mouth explored every part of me, and I was chanting his name before he ever plunged inside of me.
It was a completely new experience and all I’d ever wanted.
We had sex twice that day. It was after the second time, when he’d fucked me for what felt like hours, relentlessly, and I’d come time and time again, that I saw the camera in a hanging plant.
This time I saw a tiny flashing green light. It was faint and hard to see between the leaves, but I wasn’t imagining it. I shoved him off of me, his cock jutting out like an angry weapon, and I pointed at the camera.
“You’re recording us. Don’t lie to me, Luke.” I grabbed his shirt, the first clothing I saw, and tugged it over my head.
He shook his head. “I already told you—I’m not. Believe me, baby.” He came toward me, still eager to finish.
He shot me puppy dog eyes, but around his nostrils, a small line of blood trickled out. I’d heard about drugs being used for the business, but I hadn’t thought my boyfriend would need it to be with me.
He was my boyfriend in my head only—who knows how he thought of himself at that point? We’d never talked about it. But after a dozen chats at the coffee shop and three visits to his house, I felt qualified to make that call.
“I have to go.” I whirled around, grabbing my clothes as fast as I could.
“Baby, wait, please,” he yelled.
I was almost to the door when he yanked my hair back and pulled my back to his chest.
“I didn’t say you could leave yet,” he said in my ear.
And that’s when everything went cold inside of me.
I was well and truly fucked.
Chapter Three
Leaving Vegas has helped more than I thought possible. Before my mom and I moved to Long Island, I’d been living in the constant cycle of fearfully looking over my shoulder and obsessing about how I handed Luke permission to mistreat me on a silver platter. And even though it’s been stressful, wondering what Luke could be up to now, the friction with Raf is what has kept my attention.
But now, I don’t know. I’m a mess. Raf is maintaining a distance and the memories are wreaking havoc on my mind again. I’m humiliated that my past can still ruin me. Will I ever be able to move on from the mistakes I made? Raf and Ashton shoot looks of confusion and trepidation at me regularly and I’m too deep in the pain of reliving everything that’s happened to make it any less awkward. I feel like a child who’s being shuffled between parents, the custody between two hot guys who used to be best friends coming together to watch out for me. It’s weird, but it helps so much that I can’t let that bother me. I get through the week and start to get caught up on my schoolwork. There are no more surprises in my locker and Heidi even stays out of my way.
I see Henry hand something off to Toby and it puts Toby back on my radar. Henry gives the packet to Amber and she tucks it away. Drugs, I’m pretty sure. I keep forgetting about Toby or I keep trying to…it feels like one too many things to focus on. I need simplicity right now. But it looked suspiciously like the harder stuff and I didn’t know Raf’s friend Henry was into that. He’s always struck me as a smart, sarcastic guy but fairly innocent.
It bothers me all day. I see Raf at lunchtime, doing his guarding routine but not looking at me, and I step closer to him.
“Is Henry okay?”
“What do you mean?” When he glances at me, even agitated, I realize how much I’ve missed his eyes on me.
“I think I saw him with drugs earlier.”
His jaw ticks, and this time, his eyes flash with something else. Rage and fear.
“Stay out of it, Gabi. God. What’s it going to take to get through to you? Just stay the fuck out of it. Got it?”
“What? Okay. Wow. Just trying to give you a heads-up about your friend. If I saw it, I’m sure I’m not the only one around here who did. And he passed something off to Amber.”
He leans across the table until I feel his breath when he speaks. “Forget you saw it. I fucking mean it. I can’t afford to have you—” He shakes his head and stands up, picking up his tray and glaring down at me. “I fucking mean it. Mouth shut.”
My heart is thudding against my shirt and I feel more afraid of Raf than I have in a long time. What is he involved in?
Ashton sits in the newly open spot, eyes wide. “What was that all about? It looked like Raf was yelling at you, but I didn’t hear what he said.”
“I don’t know what his problem is. Will he ever stop being confusing?”
“Seems to be his middle name.” He grins.
“He’s the most annoying person I’ve ever met.”
“More annoying than Heidi?”
“Well, no…but they do belong together.”
Ashton leans in closer. “I heard her bragging to some friends that she sucked him off last weekend. All ten inches, according to her.” His eyebrows lift almost as high as his hairline. “He walked by as she was talking and told everyone she was too shit-faced to get anywhere near his dick last weekend or any other weekend this year.” He cackles and when I don’t join him in the laughter, he stops and tilts his head. “It’s hilarious. Why aren’t you laughing?”
“Because I don’t believe he hasn’t been with Heidi since school started. He told me he was going to be with her…that same weekend she’s talking about.”
He shrugs. “She must’ve been too drunk to do it because the boy wasn’t lying.”
“Why would he try to make me think he’s with her?”
Ashton takes a huge bite and chews it slowly, chuckling under his breath as he stares at me like it’s so obvious. “I mean…why have we let him think there’s something between us?”
That shuts me up.
I’m tired of it all. The games. The secrets. The unknown.
I’m tired of being at Longlake. Tired of looking over my shoulder.
And I’m absolutely exhausted with trying to fight my feelings for Raf Barron.
“Have you ever thought about doing a threesome?” Ashton says under his breath and I nearly choke.
“No,” I spit out.
“Because you do it for me just as much as Raf does…”
“Ashton…” I flush and stare at my plate. “Stop. We’re friends.”
He grins. “Okay, but if you ever change your mind.” He lifts one shoulder. “It could be fun.”
“Stop.”
He laughs again and when I look at him again,
his eyes are twinkling, and I hope that was all a joke because I don’t want to have another thing to add to my list of stresses. He puts his arm around me as we walk out of the lunchroom, and it feels the same as it always does, like my friend is looking out for me.
I’d like to keep it that way.
Stefen is talking with my mom in the kitchen when I get home. He’s been so scarce around here since we came back home that it feels weird to hear him now. I don’t want to see him, but I need a snack, so I step into the kitchen and he stops in mid-sentence.
My mom is crying and I glare at Stefen.
“What’s going on?”
She blows her nose and shakes her head. “It’s nothing. Your father…”
“Has he left another note?”
Her forehead crinkles. “What do you mean? What note?”
“He left one here that day I—” I stop myself from telling the truth about that day I tried to drown. “It was about not keeping his promises.”
“Oh. Well, he’s certainly not keeping his promises. I don’t know why I ever thought he would.” She sobs into her hand and turns to Stefen, her head leaning against his chest.
I’m glad she’s not spouting anything like he loves her too much now. She had the audacity to tell me that the reason my father abused her all those years was because he loved her too much. And we wonder why I have no idea how to have a relationship of my own.
“You know he could’ve kept that video of you from ever being seen,” she says through her tears, “and I will never ever forgive him for letting it get out.”
My mouth drops. I don’t know why I haven’t thought of it. “You think that was him? Not Luke?” I put a hand to my chest and then hold onto the counter for support. I thought there was a line my father wouldn’t cross. “Are you sure?”
“Well, Luke is responsible for filming without your consent. Or did you know he was recording?” She looks at me sternly for a moment and my mouth drops.
“Of course I didn’t know! Not until it was too late.”
But I think back to how I wondered from the beginning if he was recording, how I believed his lies. I’m ashamed I didn’t get out of there the first time I wondered.
“I had to ask. And the answer is yes about your father,” she whispers. “I’m sorry, but you need to know what he’s capable of. I’ve tried to keep the worst of it from you, even though I know you saw a lot of it in…our home.”
I can’t listen anymore. I turn and bail out of the kitchen and up the stairs, slamming my door shut. I hear her outside my door within seconds, but I’ve locked it.
“Gabi, open the door. Please, don’t do anything crazy. I shouldn’t have told you. Open up.”
“Leave me alone. I just need…” I collapse onto my bed and crawl under the covers, piling them over my head.
I didn’t want to die the day I walked into the water. Not at first. It wasn’t until I experienced the quiet stillness that took over when I let the water take me that I wanted to have that feeling forever.
I need to stay far away from the water now because if I get near it, I’ll never come out again.
I don’t leave my room for the rest of the night and when Raf pounds on my bedroom door the next morning, along with Ashton and Luci, I surprise them all when I open the door and am ready to go. I look like shit if their response is anything to go on. Luci’s mouth opens and closes and she reaches out to pat my arm. Ashton asks if I need a little more time and Raf says nothing. He takes in everything, though, from my red-rimmed, puffy eyes to my baggy sweatshirt in place of my school blazer.
Ashton sees my blazer hanging on my chair and grabs it. “You’ll need this.” He winks.
Ashton and Luci try to make Raf and me smile all the way to school. They don’t admit it, but I think they’re enjoying the challenge, each working off of the other to one-up the stakes. Luci starts rapping and when Ashton sings an alternate show tune melody as Luci takes a deep breath, I can’t help but laugh. It sounds forced and fake, but it’s all that comes out.
“That’s a start,” Ashton whispers when he’s done singing.
I smile at him and reach in the backseat to take his hand, admiring the way my pale skin looks against his dark, muscled arm. Raf turns and stares pointedly at me, as if he’s betrayed or something. I don’t bother trying to figure it out. When we get to school, Luci and Ashton flank me on either side and Raf walks ahead of us. We’re given a wide berth as we make our way down the hall and I wonder what Raf had to do to get everyone to shut their mouths about me. They’re not laughing at me now.
I know what they’re capable of, but I’m grateful I don’t have to hear it out loud, at least not today. I get through my classes with minimal conflict. Heidi can’t seem to help herself. She’s like a pesky gnat that won’t go away. I ignore her jabs and she gets more agitated the more controlled I am.
In the locker room before gym, I’m nervous about being around the girls without Ashton or Raf covering for me, but Heidi’s little group hovers around her locker after they’ve changed. I see Heidi pass something off to Jen, and Amber shakes her head no and backs up. I’ve never seen any of them go against Heidi, so it catches my attention more than anything, the disgust on Amber’s face. Heidi doesn’t look happy with Amber either, but she shrugs and puts her arm around Jen.
We play volleyball and I’m on a team with Jen and Amber. Heidi is on the other team, and the first few plays are fine. I’m feeling better than I expected to feel today, when I look over and see Jen go down. She falls on the floor and starts convulsing. The girls around her scream and I run over to see if she’s okay.
“Call 911,” I yell, when I get closer. Our teacher Miss Hanover runs over, calling an ambulance, and I bend down to try to keep her head from slamming against the gym floor.
“Does anyone know CPR?” I yell.
The girls look around blankly and Miss Hanover starts the compressions.
It takes five minutes before an ambulance arrives and Jen has stopped convulsing but hasn’t opened her eyes. When I look up, Amber is bawling and Heidi is pacing behind Melanie and a few of the other girls. Heidi’s agitated and jumpy and when Amber shoots her a hateful look, I see the fear on Heidi’s face.
What is going on here?
When the paramedics come in, Miss Hanover steps aside and they rush to get Jen on a stretcher. One of the men asks a few questions.
No, she didn’t seem sick before.
She didn’t say anything about not feeling well.
People throw out answers left and right, and when they ask, had she taken anything? Everyone looks around and doesn’t know what to say. No one answers and I wonder if anyone but Heidi knows the truth.
Luci texts me later that night and when I read it, I drop my phone.
Jen didn’t make it. My parents heard it’s a drug overdose. :(
I try to reach Ashton because out of all the girls at school besides me, he’s closest to Jen. I remember him telling me it was hard being black in this neighborhood and that he watched out for Jen. He tried to make sure the girls treated her right. Besides the two of them and a freshman named Josiah, they’re the only black kids in the school.
He doesn’t answer and I eventually send him a text saying I’m worried about him and for him to call me.
He calls late that night and sounds so heavy, it breaks my heart.
“I can’t believe she’d be into hard drugs. She was smarter than that,” he says. “Maybe marijuana here and there, but I never saw her doing anything harder.”
“I think Heidi gave her something.” I tell him what I saw in gym and hear him punch something on the other end. “I’m going to talk to the principal about it tomorrow. Do you think I should go to the police?”
“No,” he says. “Don’t say anything yet. I don’t know what’s going on, but please be careful.”
“I’ll be okay.”
“Too much has already happened to you. And I don’t want to lose you too. Please, let�
��s just wait it out a little bit? Listen around and see what we hear?”
I sigh into the phone and agree to keep my mouth shut. For now.
Chapter Four
The next day, Longlake Academy is full of tears and drama. An assembly is held during first and second period to let everyone know about Jen. I watch Heidi, Amber, and Melanie closely, as well as Henry. I haven’t forgotten what I saw between any of them, even though Raf told me to forget about Henry and Heidi and whatever I saw exchanged between the two of them. I didn’t tell anyone but Ashton about Heidi and Jen yesterday, and he also thought I should keep it to myself. But judging from the way Amber looks as if she’s about to explode, I don’t think I’ll have to say a word. If Heidi is to blame, I don’t think Amber will be able to stay quiet about it.
The more I think about it, the more I’m bothered that I haven’t done anything about it myself before now. The whole exchange Luci and I saw after Ashton’s game, with Heidi and whoever was in that car in the parking lot, was highly suspicious. But what do I really know? I ask myself over and over again and when I can’t with a clear conscience function another second, I make my way to the office. I’m almost there when Raf steps into the hall behind me and pulls me into an empty classroom.
“What are you doing?” he asks, his face inches from mine.
“I’m going to the office.”
“Why?”
“Why do you care?”
“Tell me, Gabi. I need to know.”
I sigh and drag my hand down my face, exhausted with this conversation already.
“I saw something yesterday, okay? Between Heidi and Jen…Amber did too and she’s upset about it.”
“You need to trust me on this and stay out of it.”
I feel like I’m going to explode. My temper hits hard. “How dare you tell me to stay out of it?” I poke him in the chest with every word. “Someone is dead and I think your girlfriend had something to do with it…or at least she’s the one smuggling it into the school.”