Nephi sat in a chair in front of Bishop Thompson’s mahogany desk. A picture of Jesus hung on the wall. The front right corner of the desk housed a small bamboo plant. On the left corner sat a portrait of the Thompson family– Bishop Thompson, his wife Nancy, and their four children. Nephi knew them well. Bishop Thompson took his place behind the desk.
“Thanks for meeting with me, Bishop,” said Nephi.
“It is always a pleasure to speak with you, Nephi,” Bishop Thompson responded. “Let’s start with a prayer.”
Nephi nodded in agreement. Bishop rose from his chair and walked to the other side of the desk where he kneeled and bowed his head. Nephi followed his lead, dropping to his knees and folding his arms. Bishop Thompson prayed aloud.
“Our Father who art in Heaven, we come before thee to ask for thy spirit during our meeting. We ask thee to comfort Nephi and to help us find the answers he seeks. Please bless us with hearts and minds open to thy guidance. Help us understand each other and understand thy will. Bless us with faith, Father, and with willingness to accept thy will. We thank thee for the restored gospel and for our Redeemer, Jesus Christ, who atoned for our sins. Please help us accept Him and allow the atonement to work in our lives. We pray in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”
“Amen,” added Nephi.
Both men returned to their seats. Nephi took a deep breath and then exhaled, preparing for the conversation.
“What’s on your mind?” asked Bishop Thompson.
“I have been doing a lot of thinking,” explained Nephi. “We have spoken in the past about my feelings and my concerns. I have been reflecting on my standing in the church as a gay man and my state in eternity. Through reflection, I have grown frustrated and I need to talk it out.”
“Nephi, I know that you suffer from same sex attraction but you know that having those feelings is not a sin. The sin is in acting on them. You are my executive secretary with good standing in the church. We have been through this. You have nothing to worry about.”
Nephi’s hands began to tremble. He did his best to steady them. A tear came to his eye as he continued to speak, “The way you say that makes it sound like I have some terrible disease,” he said. “Bishop, I do not suffer from anything. I am attracted to men. It is how I am. It is not some health condition I suffer from.”
“I’m sorry, Nephi, I didn’t mean it like that. I just…,” Bishop Thompson started before being interrupted by Nephi.
“Can I ask you some questions?”
“Of course, Nephi. Go ahead. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I’ll do my best.”
“Do you believe that God made me this way?” asked Nephi.
“I do,” returned Bishop Thompson. “The official position of the church also supports that.”
“Bishop, do you believe that God makes mistakes?”
“We don’t always understand God. The Bible tells us that our ways are not his ways. He seems mysterious at times, but no, Nephi, God does not make mistakes. He is perfect.”
“Does God love me?” continued Nephi.
“Yes, he absolutely loves you, Nephi. You are his child. He created you and he loves you,” insisted Bishop, a tender look in his eyes.
“I agree, Bishop. I know that I am a son of God and I feel his love for me. He created me just the way I am. That is where my confusion comes from. I love God and I want to return to live with him one day.”
“If you continue on your current path, I have no doubt you will return to live with God after this life,” said Bishop.
“That’s just the thing, Bishop. I’m not so sure about that. To live with God again, we must obtain Exaltation in the Celestial Kingdom, the highest of God’s glories. Bishop, what are the requirements for Exaltation?”
“I know that you know this, Nephi, but I’ll play along. To reach Exaltation, you must be baptized in the church, receive ordinances in the temple, and endure to the end, keeping the commandments all of your life,” explained Bishop Thompson.
“The part I am confused about, Bishop, is the part about the temple ordinances. There is one temple ordinance that is not available to me as a gay man.”
“Temple marriage,” said Bishop Thompson. “I see where you are going. You worry that you cannot reach Exaltation because it requires marriage for time and all eternity.”
“Am I expected to marry a woman? Should I make a family and live a life contrary to who God made me?” asked Nephi.
“Certainly not. The church has made it clear that gay men should not marry women.”
“That is true now,” said Nephi, “but it wasn’t always the case. The church used to sponsor conversion therapy programs and counsel gay men to marry women in hopes of turning them straight. They eventually realized conversion doesn’t work. The church has concluded that God made people the way they are. Even so, church policy does not allow me to marry a man even though God created me to be gay.”
“Nephi, I understand your frustration, I really do. I understand that this doesn’t seem fair. You know that God values the family as the base unit of society and that God defines marriage as the union between one man and one woman.”
Nephi shifted in his seat. He crossed his legs, then uncrossed them, and finally settled in position, digging his fingernails into the arms of the chair with his right knee bouncing up and down.
“That was not always the doctrine proclaimed by the church. Under the direction of Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and every other prophet through Wilford Woodruff, God defined marriage as the union between one man and one or more women. Until the polygamy manifesto in 1890, marriage to more than one woman was permitted and even encouraged. The definition of marriage changed with the manifesto. I pray that something similar will happen someday to open the door to Exaltation for me.”
Bishop Thompson’s forehead creased. He appeared deep in thought, not knowing how to respond. After a few moments, he broke the silence.
“Nephi, as your Bishop, I must tell you that those prayers are wasted. God’s plan permits marriage between one man and one woman. He declared it in the Proclamation to the World on the Family. It is clear. It is a doctrine that will not change. Sometimes the church creates policies not based on unchangeable underlying doctrine. Things like the duration of church meetings on Sunday and the structure of the ministering program. Fundamental doctrine such as the definition of marriage and the role of gender are doctrine and will never change. You should use your energy and your prayers on something else.”
Bishop Thompson paused for a moment. Nephi’s head dropped into his hands.
The Bishop continued, “As your friend, I need to warn you about the path you are going down. You are walking a dangerous line, Nephi. The brethren have made this clear. If you support and sustain them, as you have acknowledged in your temple recommend interview, you cannot go contrary to the doctrine. Be careful what you say.”
Nephi hoped they could have a good philosophical conversation. He hoped to see an inkling of understanding in Bishop Thompson’s face. He felt betrayed and defeated. They sat in silence while Nephi gathered his thoughts and composed himself. Once he felt calm enough to reply without an emotional outburst, he responded.
“Bishop Thompson, I have known you for a long time and I respect you. I want you to know that I raise my concerns out of love. I want to foster constructive dialogue. As I said, I have been studying and reflecting a lot. I understand the position of the church that marriage is only between one man and one woman and I understand the hard line stating that will never change.”
Bishop Thompson nodded as he leaned in and concentrated on Nephi’s face.
Nephi continued, “Church doctrine has changed at various times in the past. In the 1850s, Brigham Young, then prophet, declared that black men of African descent were prohibited from receiving the Priesthood. At the time, black members of the church were not permitted to marry in the temple. Many apostles and prophets until 1978 maintained the policy on black church membe
rs as doctrine, claiming it to be God’s will received by revelation. They stated that it would never change. In 1978, Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, announced a revelation that all worthy males were eligible to receive the Priesthood and all worthy members could partake in temple ordinances, including marriage. The church now maintains that the ban on black member participation was not doctrine, but policy made by individual men following societal trends rather than revelation from God. Prior to 1978, however, church leaders were adamant that it was doctrine.”
Bishop Thompson appeared deep in thought as Nephi pressed on.
“The practice of polygamy was also declared to be doctrine by the prophets from the time of Joseph Smith until the 1890 manifesto. Marriage between one man and one woman is now the doctrine. The church’s position is that polygamy was doctrine prior to 1890 and monogamy has been the doctrine since. Polygamy was not a policy, it was actual doctrine, and that doctrine changed. These are some of the reasons I hold out hope and feel that my prayers are not wasted. In one case, what was once doctrine, is now viewed as a flawed policy of the past. In the other, the accepted doctrine changed. There is precedent for doctrinal changes. Why should I not believe that it could change at some future time and the current doctrine concerning gay members of the church could give way to a doctrine of acceptance and inclusion?”
Bishop Thompson frowned and the crease on his forehead deepened. A shade of red started at the base of his thick neck and edged up his face until it reached his hairline. He looked like he just returned from a week at the beach.
“Nephi,” he said, voice raised, “I want to make this clear so you are certain to understand. The Proclamation to the World regarding the Family is a doctrine that will not change. Got accepts only marriage between one man and one woman. Man invented gay marriage and God does not recognize it. I want you to know that God loves you. He wants you at church. He needs you and values your service but you are treading on very shaky ground. If you do not fall in line with the prophet and apostles, you will be seen as an apostate and that could lead to excommunication. I don’t want to see that happen to you. Please, Nephi, please see reason.”
Nephi thought for a moment. “Let me summarize to make sure I have everything straight. God, who does not make mistakes, created me as a gay man. He created a plan for his children to return to live with him. To reach the highest glory, that plan requires that his children are married for all eternity in the temple. Gay marriage is not recognized by God, so about ten percent of God’s children, including myself, are not eligible to live with God again. This is his plan, by design. He intends to exclude ten percent of his children, setting a ceiling on the degree of glory we can achieve. On top of that, church doctrine does not permit us to experience intimate human relationships during this life, a limitation that does not apply to the ninety percent of his children who happen to be straight. Is that about right? Sorry, I just don’t believe that a loving God, who is the Father of us all would create so many of his children in a way that ensures their exclusion. Do you believe that is His plan?”
Bishop composed himself and did his best to speak in a concerned and loving tone. “Like I told you, Nephi, I don’t have all the answers, but I know this: In Proverbs, the Lord tells us to trust in Him with all of our heart and lean not on our own understanding. His ways are not our ways, Nephi. I don’t believe that God wants to exclude you and I don’t know exactly how his plan for you works, but I know that you must trust Him. Obey the commandments and put your faith in the Lord and trust that it will all work out.”
This was the answer that Nephi expected, but not what he hoped. “So God’s plan for me is to remain celibate, without an intimate, loving relationship for my entire life. I am to keep all the commandments and take part in the ordinances that the church permits me to participate in and trust that after I die, God will somehow make it up to me and I will enjoy all the same blessings experienced by his straight children?”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Nephi, it is obvious that you understand it. I know it frustrates you, and it does not seem fair, but that is the way things are,” Bishop explained, “I hope you know that God loves you.”
Nephi stood and turned toward the door. He took a step forward and then turned to face Bishop Thompson.
“Bishop, the doctrine does not just seem unfair, it is unfair. I believe that God loves me and that he is just and I don’t believe his eternal doctrine would exclude me because of something I can’t change. And what of God’s children who he created to be Asexual, who have no desire for a sexual relationship? What of his children with a non-conforming gender identity? Certainly God created his children in diverse ways and he loves each of them. The church position also excludes them from salvation. I believe that God loves his children the way that he created them and that he would not exclude any of them solely on the basis of their God-given nature.”
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” said Bishop. “I don’t know where we go from here, but I don’t want to leave tonight on this note. Can we pray together before you leave?”
Nephi kneeled and bowed his head. Bishop Thompson joined him. “Will you offer the prayer, Nephi?” asked Bishop. Nephi didn’t feel like praying in that moment, but he closed his eyes, cleared his mind, and did his best.
“Dear Heavenly Father, we come before thee to thank thee for our association and our ability to speak to one another regarding topics that concern us. We thank thee for sending our Savior, Jesus Christ, and all that He did for us in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross. We thank thee for the gospel and pray that we may feel brotherly love for one another and grow to understand each other. Please bless Bishop Thompson that he may be guided and inspired in his calling. Bless his family with health and safety. Comfort them while he spends time away from home serving thee. Bless us to arrive home safe this evening. We pray in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”
“Amen,” repeated Bishop Thompson.
Both men stood. Bishop Thompson hugged Nephi who stood there, arms at his side. Nephi knew Bishop cared, but he wasn’t sure quite what might happen next and he feared it.
“I have a lot of thinking and praying to do,” Nephi said.
“As do I, Nephi, as do I,” replied Bishop.
Nephi turned and walked out the door. The thumping of his heart echoed in his ears and his mind raced. He wasn’t quite sure how he felt about the conversation. It felt good to express his thoughts even though Bishop Thompson didn’t seem to understand them. Exhausted, he climbed into his truck and headed home.
Chapter 3
Jolted awake by the harsh blare of his alarm clock, Nephi sat up in bed. He shook his head in an attempt to chase away the fog resting on his mind. Snippets of the conversation with Bishop Thompson played through his head like a movie of thought. This week was a long one for Nephi and he was glad Friday finally arrived.
Nephi lived alone in a one-bedroom apartment in Pleasant Grove, Utah, a few blocks from the Lindon city boundary. Nephi’s parents, Mike and Darla Willard, raised him in Pleasant Grove and they still lived in the split-level house on a cul-de-sac down the road. They were in his ward and he saw them every Sunday at church and often went to their house afterward for dinner.
Pleasant Grove is exactly like it sounds – pleasant. It sits at the foot of majestic Mt. Timpanogos in beautiful Happy Valley, the Mormon capital of the world. Salt Lake City is home to church headquarters, it’s true. Temple Square in downtown Salt Lake is home to the famous Salt Lake Temple that took Mormon pioneers 40 years to build. The tabernacle and its world renowned choir are in Salt Lake City just across from the conference center where the Mormon world congregates twice per year to hear the prophet and twelve apostles speak. Despite everything Salt Lake offers, Happy Valley is the heart of the church for Mormons in the know. It stretches from the city of Lehi, just south of Salt Lake County and extends through Pleasant Grove, Lindon, Orem and Provo before ending in Springville at the base of Hobble Creek Canyon. Happy
Valley is where the truest Mormons live.
Nephi strived to fit that mold his entire life. Baptized into the church by his father at eight, the age when all good Mormon children are baptized, Nephi was a regular “Peter-Priesthood”. He received the Aaronic priesthood at 12 and the Melchizedek priesthood at 18 before moving to Albania for two years at 19 to serve as a full time missionary for the church. There, he bore testimony of Jesus Christ and of the restoration of the gospel through the prophet Joseph Smith. He testified of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, another testament of Jesus Christ, written by ancient prophets on the American continent and translated by Joseph Smith by the power of God. Nephi served the Albanian people and learned to love them. He was sad to return home after two years. Nine years later, Nephi still considered those days in Albania among the happiest of his life.
Warm water cascaded from the showerhead onto Nephi’s face bringing clarity to his mind. Heated water is not a luxury always available in Albania. Years later, he still felt gratitude for things most take for granted. Nephi prepared for each day the same way, taking time to give his hair a thorough wash and condition with coconut scented shampoo from the salon. He would then moisturize his face with a mild cleansing cream and cold water before applying moisturizer under his eyes and to the spot on his forehead that tends to crease when he becomes anxious or concentrates on something.
He dressed for work in slacks and a well pressed button-up shirt – the business casual dress code required by the call center where he worked. Nephi then kneeled in prayer, thanking God for his blessings and for sending Jesus to save him, and asking for direction and safety during the day. After morning prayers, Nephi read the Book of Mormon in the app on his phone and pondered the things he read. Nearly ready for the day, he ate a breakfast of wheat toast and scrambled egg whites accompanied by a piping hot cup of Pero, a hot drink made from barley, enjoyed by Mormons in the morning since they don’t drink coffee. Nephi grew up watching his father drink Pero and acquired the taste for it. After eating, Nephi brushed his teeth and headed out the door.
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