“No,” Nephi said as he shook his head, still looking at the ground.
“Brother Willard, I want you to understand that this decision was difficult for me. I care about you and your spiritual wellbeing. I take this action out of love and truly believe that excommunication is the right next step in your repentance process. This is not the end of anything, but a beginning to your repentance. I council you to cease all romantic relationships with persons of the same sex and return to the righteous behavior you exhibited so well while serving as the executive secretary to Bishop Thompson. I love you Brother Willard, and this is all done out of love.”
“Thank you, President Miller,” replied Nephi, eyes still fixed on the carpet.
“Please take this letter. If you have questions, feel free to discuss them with your Bishop.”
Nephi stood and took the letter. He limply shook President Miller’s hand and left his office, dejected. He sauntered through the foyer, moving right past Alex and heading out the door. Alex stood from his seat and followed him.
“Bad news, I take it?”
Without speaking, Nephi continued walking to the car and sat in the front seat. Alex sat in the driver’s seat.
“What happened in there?”
Nephi was in shock and didn’t know what to say. Eventually he managed to find a few words.
“They excommunicated me.”
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry,” replied Alex. “I know that the church means so much to you and I have honestly never seen a better Mormon. It’s not right.”
Nephi made a half smile and gently squeezed Alex’s hand.
“Thank you for being here.”
“Well look at the bright side, at least you just got a ten percent raise,” said Alex in an attempt to cheer him up.
Alex realized he had made a mistake when Nephi shot him a death glare.
“How dare you say that? You don’t understand. Paying tithing is a privilege to me and I am beyond upset that I no longer have that privilege. How can you even joke about part of me being torn away?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. I was trying to lighten things up and I see now that it was wrong and insensitive. I’ll be honest, I have a hard time understanding it, but I’ll try.”
“Thank you. Sorry I snapped, I just feel so empty right now. Let’s get out of here.”
Alex drove out of the parking lot and steered toward Nephi’s apartment. Nephi looked at his phone where he saw a text from Stacy asking how it went. He didn’t feel like responding. When they arrived at his apartment, he handed his phone to Alex.
“I can’t handle telling Stacy right now. Will you please reply and let her know what happened?”
Alex took the phone. “Stacy, this is Alex. They excommunicated Nephi and he can’t bring himself to talk or text right now but he will call you later, probably tomorrow.” He hit send and the two of them went inside.
Alex put in a Gilmore Girls DVD, knowing it couldn’t help but cheer Nephi up. Alex then scavenged around the kitchen for something to make for dinner. Finding olive oil, flour, a can of crushed tomatoes, and some cheese, he started in on some homemade pizza. He worked in the kitchen while he listened to Nephi do his best to hold back sobs while the show played in the background.
With pizza in the oven, Alex made his way to the sofa. He had no sooner sat down than they heard a knock on the door. Alex opened the door to find Stacy with cheesecake in one hand and a card game in the other. She walked into the apartment and placed her things on the table before plopping down on the couch next to Nephi and wrapping her arms around his neck.
“Don’t think for a moment you can shut me out when you need me,” she said.
Nephi returned her embrace. With Stacy on one side of him and Alex on the other, Nephi finished out the episode and then turned off the TV. The ding of the oven told them dinner was ready and Alex cut the pizza in thirds. While they ate, Stacy dealt the cards, and they played and talked until late. Nephi still felt like a part of him died but it helped to have his friends by his side while he processed it. After a few rounds distraction, they polished off half the cheesecake. Then Alex decided it was time to corral the elephant in the room.
“Ok, sweetie, you have had some time to process it. I need to know how you are doing. Where is your head about this whole excommunication thing?”
The mood instantly turned somber as the room fell silent. Nephi thought for a moment. “I have never felt like this before. I feel broken, like something in me doesn’t work anymore. It’s like they fractured my soul and I lost one of the pieces. It’s strange to no longer be a member of the church. Being Mormon has always been a part of who I am.”
“What makes you Mormon?” asked Alex. “Is it seeing your name on the attendance roll in Sunday school that makes you Mormon or is it your actions and the way you behave every day?”
Nephi stared at him, stupefied by the profound point he was making.
Alex continued, “The entire time I have known you, you have lived the perfect example of what Mormons profess to be. You are compassionate and empathetic. You serve others just because it is the right thing to do. You don’t drink alcohol or coffee. You don’t watch porn or swear. I have noticed you read the scriptures and pray every day. You never miss a church meeting. If I’m not mistaken, that’s what makes a Mormon. I see others who are in ‘good standing’ in the church that break every one of the church rules and who don’t seem to care about it but they still show up to church every Sunday. They judge others for sinning differently than they do but you don’t. If there ever was a Mormon, Nephi, you’re it.”
Nephi just sat and stared at him, still not believing that the words came out of his mouth.
Alex continued, “Honey, you don’t need a Stake President or Bishop to tell you whether you are Mormon, your actions speak for themselves. Excommunicated or not, you are the most Mormon person who I have ever met. You, Nephi, are the perfect Mormon, I mean other than the fact that you’re gay, which by default makes you a bad Mormon, but there’s not much you can do about that, now is there? And if it makes you feel better, you are welcome to pay ten percent of your income to me.”
A smile started to spread across Nephi’s face. It started in the corners of his mouth and grew until it forced dimples into his cheeks and then expanded to his eyes. The wrinkle in the middle of his forehead disappeared and he let out a deep belly laugh.
“I can hardly believe you,” said Nephi. “Your words were beautiful and you’re right. What matters is my relationship with God. My Bishop and my Stake President have never been the reason I go to church. If my testimony was based on the leaders, I would have stopped going a long time ago. I go to church to improve myself and to strengthen my relationship with God. What happened today does not take away the Mormon in me, it is just a part of my nature, just like being gay is part of my nature.”
He gave Alex a hug and kissed him. Stacy smiled. “I’m sure glad to see that smile on your face,” she said. I have never been so worried about you before.
They played a few more rounds of cards before Alex and Stacy returned home. Alone, Nephi thought about the events of the day. Despite his epiphany during Alex’s surprising speech, he was sad at the outcome of the ‘court of love’. He didn’t want to be excommunicated. He enjoyed church and the church community, even if they didn’t seem to want him.
He found sleep difficult that night as he continued the struggle to get his mind around it all, to understand what it meant as the two parts of him continued to wrestle inside his body.
Chapter 22
Nephi’s tired eyes made work difficult on Friday, but he powered through his day. He managed get through it with little trouble, other than some ribbing from Brock and Angela about the kiss they witnessed the previous day, and the occasional glare from Mark. After work, he headed to the mall. Christmas was only five days away, and he wanted to find the perfect gift for Alex.
What do you buy for a beautiful man who enjoys cooking, lov
es rock and roll music, lifts weights at the gym, and already has pretty much everything he wants? Finding the perfect gift proved more difficult than Nephi had hoped. He wandered from store to store but couldn’t find anything that spoke to him, although he found some candles and lotion for Stacy. Almost ready to give up, he found a jacket he thought would look sexy on Alex. He bought it, but he wasn’t sure if it was more a gift for himself or for Alex.
On the way out of the mall, a kiosk caught his eye. The woman at the kiosk was demonstrating a sous vide cooking system. She sealed meat and vegetables into bags and then put the bags into a bucket of water along with a sous vide wand. The wand cooked the meat to perfection. As a chef, Alex could surely appreciate such a device. Nephi bought the entire system, bags and all. He hoped the sous vide system together with the jacket would be the perfect gift.
Christmas was Nephi’s favorite holiday. He loved everything about it. Jesus held a very special place in Nephi’s heart and he was honored to celebrate His birth. Christmas music, the colorful lights, the snow covered houses, and the giving of gifts; Nephi loved all of it and he really looked forward to spending his first Christmas with Alex five days from now.
On Saturday Nephi drove his truck into downtown Salt Lake City and parked in the winter parking garage at the Gateway Mall. He had invited Alex to meet him there below the movie theater. Alex arrived and found Nephi in the midst of the horde of Christmas shoppers and wrapped his arms around him.
“I hope you don’t want to see a long movie. I have work this afternoon.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll be to work in plenty of time. We’re not seeing a movie.”
“Then what are we doing?”
“Follow me,” said Nephi as he took Alex by the hand and led him away from the mall across the street. “This is one of my Christmas traditions,” he explained.
Nephi and Alex entered a building that Alex had never noticed before. There were lines of people inside, eagerly waiting to fill their trays with food.
“Is this some kind of cafeteria?” asked Alex.
“It’s a homeless shelter. I volunteer here several times per year but Christmas time is my favorite.”
He led Alex back into the kitchen where they put on aprons, gloves, and hairnets and replaced two of the volunteers serving food on the line. Nephi dished out the potatoes while Alex handled the corn.
Soul after grateful soul streamed by them as they served the meal. The experience humbled Alex. As time went on, Nephi continued to astonish him. Knowing Nephi, he was not at all surprised, but at the same time, this was unexpected.
Serving those who needed assistance made Alex feel good, and he was thankful that Nephi shared the experience with him. At the end of their shift, they headed over to Temple Square and walked around the visitor center and the life size nativity scene on display on the lawn. Nephi preferred to see it at night when it was all lit up, but Alex’s work schedule wouldn’t allow it. After spending several wonderful hours together, Alex headed to work and Nephi went home.
While getting ready for church on Sunday morning, Nephi received a call from Alex.
“Thank you for spending time with me yesterday. I would love to spend the morning with you today, too.”
“Alex, you know that I have church this morning. Maybe I can come over afterward for a couple of hours before you have to go to work.”
“Come on, can’t you skip it just for today? They have made it clear that they don’t want you there, anyway. Isn’t it more about the way you live and your actions than going to a meeting every week?”
“It’s really about both. Just because I’m excommunicated doesn’t mean that I will get lax with my church attendance. It is important to me.”
“Okay, I really don’t understand why you want to be there when they don’t want you and why you would choose to be there instead of with me when I want you, but I guess you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do.”
“Come on, Alex, don’t be mad. You know this is who I am.”
“Alright, fine. Go to church. Don’t bother driving up to see me today. I’ve got to work early, anyway. I’ll talk to you later this week.”
The way the call ended didn’t sit right with Nephi. It bothered him. He thought Alex understood who he was and it frustrated him that he now expected something different. He finished getting ready and went to church. Mike and Darla were already seated when he arrived and he took his usual seat next to them.
Mike leaned over across Darla’s lap and motioned to Nephi who leaned his ear toward his father.
“What are you doing?” asked Mike.
“I’m not sure what you mean. I’m doing the same thing I do every week.”
“That was before they excommunicated you.”
“Dad, I can still attend church, I just can’t pray, talk, or partake of the sacrament while I am here. President Miller even encouraged me to attend.”
“You are so selfish, Nephi, don’t you ever think about anyone but yourself? What do you think everyone else is saying? Just look around. All eyes are on us.”
“I’m sorry I am such an embarrassment to you, Dad. I’ll find a different seat.”
Nephi stood to leave but Darla grabbed his hand and pulled him back down before turning to her husband.
“Mike, he is our son and we love him no matter what. Of course he can sit with us at church. Who else would he sit with?” asked Darla.
“If you don’t care what anyone thinks, then fine, you sit here next to him. I will find another seat,” replied Mike, who moved to the other end of the pew away from Darla and Nephi.
“Mom, I love you and I appreciate what you are doing but there is no reason for this to come between you and Dad. He can sit by you. I will go sit over on the side. I really am fine by myself.”
Nephi stood and started to leave. She pulled back on his arm, but he continued and found a place alone at the side of the chapel. Mike returned to sit next to Darla. She stayed next to him but turned her shoulder from him.
Nephi was sad and disappointed. He hadn’t expected that reaction from his father, of all people. Today church lasted only one hour since it was three days before Christmas. Nephi waived away the sacrament when it was offered to him, knowing he could not partake. It felt as though every eye in the chapel was watching him as he refused it. The speakers focused on the Christ child and the meaning of the holiday. Nephi sat and listened. At the conclusion of the meeting, he made a quick exit and walked home.
That evening was his family’s Christmas party. Every year, they met together at Mike and Darla’s place on the Sunday before Christmas. Darla prepared ham and homemade dinner rolls and the family sang Christmas carols together and then had a white elephant gift exchange ripe with gag gifts and dollar store treasures. Nephi always looked forward to the party but not so much this year. His mood was soured by the excommunication, his first spat with Alex, and his father’s reaction at church in the morning. The only thing he was looking forward to was seeing his nieces and nephew. He was especially excited to hold little Ella Mae.
Nephi was the first to arrive at the party and helped his mom prepare dinner. His father was nowhere to be found, most likely hiding out downstairs watching football. Tiffany and Rob arrived right after Nephi buttered the top of the rolls, fresh out of the oven. While they removed their coats, Nephi took Ella Mae out of her car seat and rocked her in his arms. He brought her close to his face and took a deep breath. Nephi loved that new baby smell. He gave her a kiss and handed her to Darla who smothered her with kisses.
Ammon and Chelsea arrived next. Nephi gave Sophie a hug and listened while she told him all about her new Christmas dress with red and white ribbons, and how she built a snowman in the front yard.
Jacob and Camille arrived last. Nephi gave them both a hug even though he didn’t feel much like hugging Jacob after he made flawed assumptions and took them to the Stake President. Dallin and Crystal told him all about their week and he kissed each of them on th
e cheek.
Dinner was delicious, as always, and Nephi was glad that nobody made his excommunication a topic of conversation. The atmosphere seemed almost normal. Nephi washed the dishes after dinner while everyone else set white elephant gifts in place. While he washed, Jacob joined him in the kitchen.
Voluntarily washing dishes was out of character for Jacob, but Nephi was glad for the help. Nephi washed while Jacob dried.
“Dad tells me you went to church today.”
“I go to church every week.”
“I’m just curious why you insist on continuing to go. You are clearly not wanted there and you have beliefs contrary to the doctrine of the church. I really don’t get it. I’m not trying to be mean, I just really want to understand why you continue to go.”
“I can’t tell you how tired I am of answering this question. I get it from both sides, from people within the church and outside of the church. I’m either not Mormon enough or I’m too Mormon, not gay enough, or too gay. No matter what I do, I can’t win. Does it really matter to you that much where I spend my time?”
“I’m just curious. I don’t get it.”
“I go because I want to go. It’s as simple as that. Why can’t that be good enough for everyone? Church is just where I want to be. Is there anything wrong with that?”
“No, there’s nothing wrong with it, I just don’t get it.”
“Well, the thing is, that you don’t have to get it. I get it and I do it for me and that’s all that matters.”
“Okay, okay, I was just curious. You don’t have to bite my head off.”
They finished washing the dishes in silence and then joined the others for Christmas carols. This was usually Nephi’s favorite part of the party but this year, he just couldn’t bring himself to find any joy in it.
After the Christmas carols came the white elephant gifts. This was the children’s favorite part. They each ended up with a dollar store toy while Ammon walked away with the toilet seat that had returned to the white elephant party every year for the past decade. It had become a trophy, of sorts. Nephi always got a kick out of it but he just wasn’t into it this year and it seemed rather juvenile.
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