“You know that church is important to me and that I go every week. You’ve never had a problem with it before. We have a group that all sits together. Is it really that big of a deal if I miss the parade?”
“Are you kidding me right now? Pretty much everyone in your group will be at the parade that day anyway, so you don’t need to worry about that. You can be so selfish sometimes. I have supported you and even showed up at church to be there for you when you needed it, even though I hate that place.”
“I know that, but…”
“But nothing,” Alex interrupted. “Pride for me is every bit as important as church is for you, and it only comes once per year. You can go to church every other week. It’s not just a parade, it has meaning. In June of 1969, New York police cracked down on Stonewall Inn, a gay bar in Greenwich Village for no good reason. It was blatant targeting and discrimination. Those in the bar resisted, and a riot broke out. Ever since then, we have celebrated Pride during the month of June as a symbol that we are proud of who we are. We are part of the community and have rights just like everyone else.”
“Well,” started Nephi.
“Be quiet and listen. I’m not finished,” replied Alex. “In Utah, the celebration used to be a small, informal gathering at Tanner Park. It has grown into a large, well-organized event. It is important to me, and to others in the community, and it should be important to you, too. There is a lot of history behind it. I support you going to church, and I will continue to support you. But Honey, I need you there with me at that parade.”
“But I have to set an example. I really feel like I should be at church.”
“You are so damn self-righteous. It’s sickening, really. Just one week! You stay home if you’re sick don’t you?”
“Yes, but it’s not the same. I wouldn’t be skipping church because I’m sick, I would skip it to have fun.”
“What would you be missing out on? They won’t let you talk or pray or take the sacrament, anyway.”
“I would miss out on being there and singing from my heart and showing my commitment to God.”
“What about showing a little commitment to me? I have given you everything. I go along with your commitment to the law of chastity. Believe me, I wouldn’t do that for just anyone. You are all take and no give. I really need this. Please do this for me.”
“I need time to think about it,” said Nephi as he headed for the door.
“Time to think?” Alex called after him. “This should be a no-brainer.”
The door closed, and Nephi walked toward home, frustrated- their argument replaying in his head. Why didn’t Alex understand? Why didn’t anyone understand? It always had to be either, or. Why couldn’t it be both? He wondered if it was impossible to be gay and Mormon. He thought he had found a way to strike a balance, but maybe he was wrong.
This was the biggest fight that he and Alex ever had and he wasn’t sure what to do about it, how to make it right. Nephi loved Alex and wanted to make him happy. He thought he had shown commitment, but apparently, Alex didn’t feel it.
Even though he wasn’t in the mood to pray, Nephi kneeled at his bedside and spoke to God to ask for guidance. That night, he went to bed angry and woke up still angry the next day, still needing to think, to figure things out.
He went to work and started on his day. He had a one-on-one meeting scheduled with Jerry at 4:00 to discuss his team. Nephi reviewed the stats with Jerry, discussed the agents that were getting close to a promotion, and planned for the gaps they still needed to address. After the business of their meeting concluded, Nephi asked Jerry if he had some time to speak regarding a personal matter.
Nephi knew that Jerry and Alex had history and thought maybe he could lend some insight into their current situation. Jerry was happy to talk with him, so Nephi recounted to him the history behind it and the details of their fight.
“What do you think?” asked Nephi.
“I admire and respect your religious convictions,” said Jerry. “But to be honest, Nephi, I think you should think really hard about what Alex is asking for in this situation. From what you have told me, I can tell that he is really into you. He has jumped through hoops for you that he wouldn’t have done for anyone else. He certainly never went to such lengths for me. I know that your religion is important to you, but you should think of Pride almost like a religion for Alex. I mean, we all love Pride and it is important to us, but Alex takes it to another level. When he went to his first Pride, for him, it was like being born again. I really don’t think you understand how important this is to him.”
“So, what do you think I should do?”
“Oh, no, I’m not letting you pull me in that deep. I can’t tell you what to do. You must decide that for yourself, but you should do a lot of reflecting. You obviously understand your own perspective, but try to put yourself in Alex’s shoes. Imagine you had gone through everything he has in his life and you discovered Pride and a place where you belong, a place where you don’t feel ashamed of who you are, where you are free to be yourself. Then imagine celebrating that moment one time per year. Do that, and then look at it again from your own point of view and compare them. Then you’ll just have to make the decision that’s right for you. Sorry, but that’s all I got.”
“Thanks, Jerry. That’s good advice. You’ve been very helpful. Thanks again for everything.”
Nephi left his office and got to work, always thinking about Jerry’s words in the back of his mind. He made some good points and Nephi really hadn’t done a deep thought exercise, putting himself in Alex’s place and viewing it from a different point of view. After his shift ended, he went home to further ponder his dilemma.
Jerry’s words made sense but Nephi’s feelings were getting in the way. Hearing Alex call him selfish brought to his mind the words that his father spoke at church after his excommunication. It hurt and he just couldn’t bring himself to get past it, so he pushed the feelings down and did his best to ignore them.
Two weeks went by while Nephi wrestled with his own thoughts and feelings. He hadn’t tried to contact Alex and Alex hadn’t reached out to him. He missed Alex and wanted the fight to end but also didn’t want to abandon his own stubborn pride. Nephi had been telling himself that he followed Jerry’s advice but deep down, he knew that he had only done so half-heartedly. On a Wednesday a little over two weeks before the Pride Festival, he thought more on Jerry’s words and realized that he had been a hypocrite. He expected others to show empathy, but had not done so himself.
He kneeled at his bedside and prayed for help in humbling himself and sought direction. Nephi then imagined what it would be like to be a young boy in a home where his father abused his mother and didn’t accept him. He imagined the horror of being beaten nearly to death by his own father and then being alone on the streets, with no concept of how to care for himself.
The daydream continued as he placed himself in the psychiatric ward for months, getting help and learning valuable skills before ending up in state custody. There he waited to age out of the system just to find himself all alone again. He pictured finding a community where he could be himself without fear of harm or judgement and what that acceptance meant.
Through his thought exercise, he felt that he understood Alex better and where he was coming from. He compared that to his own desire to attend church that week and then Alex’s words played back in his head. It was only one week. Why couldn’t he give up only one week for the man he loved? Church was there every week but the Pride Festival was only once per year.
The reality slapped Nephi in the face. Alex was right. He acted rigid and selfish. He was a hypocrite and his holier-than-thou attitude was ruining the best relationship he ever had. Alex had given up so much for him. He had been so understanding about everything with the church. He took work off to be with him in the hospital. He had done everything he could ask, but Nephi still made it all about himself.
Still in his pajamas and with mussed hair, Nephi
slipped on a pair of shoes and ran several blocks to Alex’s apartment and banged on the door. With no answer, he knocked again. It seemed that Alex wasn’t home. Nephi started walking away from the door when he heard the door latch. He turned around to see Alex standing at the door.
“Alex, I need to talk to you.”
“Who the hell do you think you are? I can’t believe it has taken you this long to come back. Nothing for over two weeks, and now you show up expecting me to just open the door and let you in? What if I don’t want to talk to you?”
“I couldn’t blame you for that. Everything you said is true. I have been selfish and self-righteous, only caring about what I wanted. I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?”
“What’s the matter, aren’t you going to lecture me for swearing? I honestly don’t know if I can forgive you right now. There is no doubt that I love you and part of me wants to forgive you but the other part of me wonders what comes next. What else will you choose over me?”
“I’m sorry. I know I was wrong. You will have me to yourself for the entire Pride Festival, parade included. I understand how important it is for you and I’ll be there for you. For whatever you need.”
“Honey, I appreciate that, but it might be too little, too late. For this relationship to work, things need to be equal but it always seems that I’m way more committed to you than you are to me. There has to be give and take and I just don’t see it.”
“That’s because I haven’t shown it. I see that now and I’m sorry. I love you and I want to be with you. What do I have to do?”
“I wish I knew.”
“Let me come in to talk about it.”
“You have said what you came to say and I’ve heard you. Now it’s my turn to think. I just need a little space. I’ll be in touch.”
With that, Alex disappeared behind the door and Nephi returned home, hoping he hadn’t blown it for good.
Over the next week and a half, Nephi texted and called Alex every day without a reply. He apologized every way he knew how but just didn’t know how to get through. Alex seemed to be ghosting him and he was growing concerned. He had to figure out a way to let Alex know that their commitment was on the same level.
With only one week until the beginning of the Pride Festival, Nephi started to panic and racked his brain trying to come up with a way to make Alex understand. Something popped into his head that seemed insane but Alex had to know he was serious. He set off for the mall to make preparations to carry out his plan. After several hours of searching, he found the perfect items. That night he had work, but tomorrow would be Sunday, the perfect day to execute his plan.
Work came and went and Nephi, nervous about what might happen the following day, did his best to sleep. He woke in the morning and went through his normal routine preparing for church. Just like every Sunday, he attended church, sitting with the rainbow squadron, singing the hymns joyfully and listening to the talks. After church he talked to Stacy for a while and then called and spoke with Darla to distract himself from the anxiety building in his belly.
Six o’clock rolled around and Nephi figured La Bambolina should be starting to get busy. It was go-time. Wearing his nicest suit and the new tie he bought at the mall, he grabbed the bouquet and took light rail to the restaurant as strangers stared at him the entire way.
Upon entering the restaurant, he approached the host.
“Hey, Billy, are you ready with the table that we discussed?”
“Sure am, Nephi. Right this way.”
He led Nephi to a table in the center of the restaurant. Nephi took a seat with his back to the kitchen and waited while the host headed back to have a word with the chef. A few minutes later, Alex emerged from the kitchen and approached the table.
“Is there a problem, sir?” asked Alex.
“There certainly is,” said Nephi, as he scooted his chair backward a few inches to use it as a stepping stool to climb on top of the table. He turned to face Alex.
“What are you doing here?” Alex demanded to know.
“I’m here to let you know I’m committed,” came the reply.
Nephi then took a deep breath and burst into song, singing “I’m Sorry” by Brenda Lee at full voice. The restaurant patrons all turned and stared. Alex’s face turned red.
“What are you doing? Get down from there.”
Despite Alex’s protest, Nephi kept singing. He really got into it, gesticulating wildly and using the flowers as a microphone. As Alex watched, he couldn’t help but smile. As the song continued, his smile grew into a laugh. He wondered if Nephi had gone insane. Maybe it was time for another trip to the hospital. Alex wanted to stay mad at Nephi, but he was now finding that very difficult, which only added to his anger.
He was intent on staying mad to teach Nephi a lesson, but by the end of the song, his anger had nearly vanished. The restaurant erupted in applause and Nephi took a bow. He then started singing “Turning Me On” by Tommy Page.
“Nope, I’m done. I’m stopping you right there,” said Alex before Nephi could get through the first line. Alex grabbed him by the hand and helped him down from the table. Nephi presented Alex with the beautiful flower bouquet and then dropped to one knee and pulled a ring from his pocket.
He took Alex by the left hand and looked into his eyes.
“Alex, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. The past few weeks have been miserable without you and I never want to go through that again. I want to spend this Pride and every other Pride with you. Will you marry me?”
Nephi slid the ring onto his finger and looked to his face for an answer. Alex smiled, love beaming from his eyes. He couldn’t help but let out a squeal before composing himself enough to answer.
“Oh, Honey, of course I’ll marry you.”
Nephi stood and kissed him, to the delight of the patrons, who cheered as they recorded the proposal with their phones.
Chapter 26
Saturday, June 6th marked the beginning of the Utah Pride Festival’s main events. The festival kicked off at 1:00. Alex had looked forward to this day all year. The forecast called for clear skies and 82 degree weather. Nephi walked to Alex’s apartment. They drove down State Street and parked off of 400 South across from Washington Square, home to the Pride Festival.
This was Nephi’s first time attending the festival. The size and coordination of activities impressed him. Tents topped with colorful canvas lined the streets. The booths offered food and drink, LGBTQIA+ merchandise, and opportunities to connect with community organizations.
It astonished Nephi to see some of those organizations, not officially sponsored by the LDS church, but made up of Mormon individuals seeking equality and positive relationships with the LGBTQIA+ community. He noticed booths sponsored by Mormons Building Bridges, Mormons for Equality, the Provo Pride Council, Mama Dragons, and more. There were even booths set up where Mormon mothers and fathers offered hugs to anyone who felt the need to receive one.
Nephi’s face lit up to see the outpouring of love and acceptance. It made him feel giddy inside, a feeling he hadn’t expected. Alex saw the look on Nephi’s face and knew that he had caught the bug. He leaned in for a kiss and then took Nephi by the hand, and together they explored the festival.
Alex led them to the Pride Center Zone first, and then through the History Zone. While Nephi had been out for quite some time, he had never really participated in the community and knew little of the history of Pride. Alex aimed to change that. Nephi was surprised to learn the long, proud history of Pride in the nation, and in Utah. He had no idea that so many people had fought for so long, at a time when society was even less accepting of queer people than they are now.
Together, they sat through a Cultural Competency presentation, where Nephi learned about the cultural characteristics, beliefs, history, behavior, and values of various LGBTQIA+ individuals. Through the presentation, Nephi better understood the cultural differences and similarities between individuals. It was eye-opening, and
more importantly, mind opening.
The day continued as they visited the Pride Store to pick up some merch. Nephi found more rainbow pins for church. They also bought Pride Festival t-shirts.
Alex wanted to check out some musical performances, and it was the dance performances that caught Nephi’s eye. They spent time enjoying both. Nephi appreciated the day much more than he expected. Until today, he didn’t understand how much he didn’t know.
Nephi’s favorite part of the day came late in the evening. After grabbing a bite to eat, they made their way to the karaoke stage. It disappointed Nephi to see that there were no Tommy Page songs available on the karaoke machine. Instead, he rocked a trio of boy band songs. It surprised Alex how natural he looked on that stage. His pitch was perfect, and he even did the dance moves. The crowd was eating out of his hand, clapping in unison as he sang.
When Nephi finished, they went crazy, calling for an encore but he disappointed them and left the stage to give a chance to whichever poor soul had to follow him. He found Alex and begged him to get up on stage.
“Honey, you know I’m tone deaf. If I get up there, it will be so bad and I’ll totally embarrass both of us.”
“I don’t care if you’re off key. You love to sing and you shouldn’t let the fear of judgement keep you from doing something you love. Besides, you can’t be much worse than this guy,” said Nephi, pointing to the show queen singing some song from Wicked on the stage.
“I seriously can’t. I would die from embarrassment.”
“Come on, Baby! I love it when you sing. Don’t sing for everyone else, sing for me.”
Against his better judgement, Alex agreed to take a turn on stage for just one song. He waited his turn, and when the time came, walked on to the stage and grabbed the mic.
“I want to dedicate this song to my fiancé,” he said. “If it weren’t for him, I never would have known what “redneckin’ it” is all about. Nephi, your favorite country song…”
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