by Rhonda Bowen
She heard the sliding doors open but didn’t turn around. She already knew who it was. His fresh scent of sandalwood and detergent was unmistakable.
“I didn’t think I’d see you again.”
Jordan leaned against the railing a few feet away from her. “I just came by to drop off the tickets for you and Camille. My flight leaves in a couple hours.”
Naomi nodded but didn’t look at him. Couldn’t bear to see the disappointment and hurt that probably lived on his face. She was just content to feel him near her, if only for a moment.
“How did you find out?” she finally asked.
“Natasha,” Jordan answered. “Don’t be mad at her. She was worried about you.”
“I’m not,” Naomi said. “She told me she wouldn’t lie for me. Considering the circumstances, I’m glad she didn’t.”
“How could you lie, Naomi?” Jordan willed her to look at him. “How could you lie to me?”
The look he pierced her with broke her heart all over again.
“I didn’t plan to,” She looked away. “It’s just that...I never thought we would get here, to the point where you would want to marry me. And then when it happened, it was almost like it was too late.”
She pushed away from the railing and paced the small space. “I knew that if you knew, if everything about me was right there, you could never love me...”
“That’s not true.”
“Really?” Naomi whirled around to face him, “If the day you met me - that evening at the barbecue - if you had known that I was an alcoholic, divorcee with a brother in jail, would you still have asked me out? Would you?”
She saw his jaw tense. “I don’t know.”
“Well, I do.” Naomi said. “You wouldn’t have. You would have rightly branded me a train-wreck and ran the other way.”
“So your plan was to deceive me?”
“No, my plan was to enjoy the night I had talking to the most handsome, intelligent and interesting man I had ever met, knowing that that was all it would be - one night. Because sooner or later, Charlie would let it slip or you would run into someone who knew, and then you would know.”
Jordan stepped closer. “Know what?”
“Know that I’m a mess,” Naomi said. “That a woman like me doesn’t belong in your world.”
“But don’t you see, Naomi? You never gave me the chance to know that woman. Maybe I could have loved her. Maybe not.” He threw his hands up. “I don’t know. All I know is that the woman I thought I was in love with, she doesn’t exist. And you?”
He waved his hand towards her and shook his head. “I don’t even know who you are.”
His words cut through her, but the look in his eyes hurt even more. It was as if he encountered a stranger - and not a welcomed one. That connection that had flown so easily between them had been severed. They were no more than two people who stood on a hospital balcony and stared at each other.
Jordan shook his head. “I need to go.”
She wanted to stop him. Wanted to tell him that he was wrong. He did know her. The real her. The one deep inside. But how could she tell him that when she had spent four years keeping secrets from him? And how could it ever be different when the truth - the whole, unfiltered truth was too much for even her to speak? And so she watched him walk away. Watched his toned form disappear through the hospital doors, taking with it a piece of her heart.
Chapter Eighteen
Naomi cracked open the seal on the colorful clothbound notebook once the plane had leveled after take-off. She glanced over at Camille who was already asleep in the seat beside her. Her lashes rested softly on her smooth caramel colored cheeks. She was looking better each day. Except for the band aid on her arm where the IV had been, you couldn’t tell that anything had been wrong at all. But so much had been wrong. With Camille. With her. With all of them. There were so many wounds that still needed healing. That’s what the journals were for. But she had drifted away from them for a while. Maybe it was time she started back.
She wrote the month and year on the inside cover then turned to the first page. This one was different. It had a Bible text at the top of each page. Trust Latoya to get her something like this. The one at the top of the first page was 2 Corinthians 5:17.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
Naomi sighed. She didn’t feel new right now. In fact, all the feelings that flooded through her felt like the same ones she had dealt with before. She uncapped her pen and began.
He left me. The only man that ever allowed me to be me and not feel bad about it. The man that taught me what real love looks like - he’s gone. And I ran him away.
She continued writing. Naomi poured out the words in a way she never would have even to Natasha. The truth was she didn’t know how to be this honest with anyone. She had spent so much time reserving pieces of herself from the people around her that she didn’t know how to show it all. She couldn’t be sure that if she showed it all people would stick around. If they knew the dark parts, the messy parts, would they still love her? She didn’t think so. There was only so much people could take. But on these empty pages, there was no judgment. Her words were just words. And on these pages she could release them into freedom.
Her fingers flew over the pages until her hand ached and she was too tired to write anymore. Naomi laid her head back and joined Camille in a shallow, unsettled sleep.
She didn’t open her eyes again until the wheels touched the tarmac in New York. The landing jolted her awake. She sat up suddenly, looked around and found Camille watching her, a slight smile on her lips.
“Dreaming about Jordan?”
Naomi shifted in her seat and blinked rapidly. “Why?”
Camille grinned. “Cause you said his name a couple times...and not in an unhappy way.”
Naomi felt her cheeks heat up in embarrassment. Okay so maybe he had made an appearance.
“Looks like we’re here,” Naomi ignored her niece’s smirk as she glanced out the window.
“Yeah.” Camille’s smile waned. “Home sweet home.”
“Don’t sound so excited,” Naomi said dryly.
“No, I am glad to be back,” Camille said. “It’s just...well...mom is gonna kill me.”
Naomi shrugged. “After everything that happened, you should be glad that an earful from mom is all you have to deal with.”
“You’re right,” Camille said. “Things could have been so much worse. Everything was so out of hand...”
“Yes, it was,” Naomi said. “And I don’t want that to happen again, which is why some things are gonna change.”
Camille looked hesitant. “What kind of things?”
“Well for one, I want you to start seeing someone,” Naomi said. “You’ve been through a lot in your life with your dad being in prison and your birth mom taking off on you. I took it for granted that you were okay, but I think it would be good if you could talk to someone to help you work through it.”
“You mean like a shrink?” Camille asked skeptically. “Black people don’t do that.”
Naomi rolled her eyes. “Well, you can be the first.”
Camille let out a sigh. “Okay. What else?”
“I want you to come live with me.”
“As in move off campus?” Camille screeched.
“Yes,” Naomi confirmed. “I feel like I never see you anymore but if you are living with me at least we will get to spend more time together.”
“You mean you will get to keep an eye on me,” Camille said dryly.
“That too,” Naomi said. “When you get tired of my mug you can go stay with mom in Jersey. But for now, my place will be your place.”
“And how does your husband-to-be feel about all this? I am sure he can’t be thrilled to have his sister-in-law up in his newlywed bliss.”
Naomi stood up and reached for her luggage in the overhead compartment. “Jordan and I are
n’t getting married anymore so you don’t have to worry about that.”
Camille’s mouth hit the floor.
“And by the way, he knows everything.”
“Nigel and prison and Garth, everything?” Camille squeaked.
Naomi sighed and pulled down Camille’s luggage. “Everything.”
“Wow.” Camille stood slowly and reached for her luggage. “Nay, I’m so sorry. If I hadn’t done this...”
“It’s not your fault,” Naomi followed the other passengers towards the exit. “Believe me. It would have ended this way eventually. But on the bright side, I’ll have a lot more time to spend with you now...”
“You mean to scrutinize my life now,” Camille grumbled.
Naomi threw a smile behind her. “Exactly.”
They followed the passengers out the plane and down the concourse towards the arrival gate. But as soon as they stepped into the arrivals area, Camille grabbed Naomi’s arm.
“I’m really sorry about you and Jordan, Nay,” Sincerity brimmed in Camille’s eyes. “I know you really loved him.”
Naomi blinked back the tears that threatened. She wouldn’t cry in front of Camille. Partially because she didn’t want the young woman feeling guilty but also because she wasn’t sure that if she started that she could ever stop.
“It’s okay.” Naomi shrugged. “It will work out. It always does.”
They wheeled their luggage through the airport crowds. If she had been travelling with Jordan, it would have been easy for Naomi to get through customs quickly as he had so many friends at the airport. Thinking back, Jordan should have been the first person she called when Camille took off. Indeed, hindsight was 20-20.
They were almost at the taxi stand when an image on the TV screens throughout the airport caught her eye. She stopped so suddenly that Camille slammed right into her with her suitcase. But Naomi was so glued to the television, she barely noticed. The sound was muted, but the images on the screen were easy enough to read.
“Is that Garth?” Camille asked as they stared up at the footage of a man being hauled away in handcuffs by the police. The caption read “Police officer in Port of Spain, Trinidad, taken in on corruption charges related to drug trafficking.”
“Yeah, that’s him.” Naomi said quietly. She felt Camille shudder next to her.
“I hope they lock him up and throw away the key,” she said with disgust. “I never want to see him again.”
Naomi took one last look at the screen. She put an arm around Camille and turned her towards the exit.
“You and me both, kiddo.”
And for the first time in years, she knew she meant it.
Chapter Nineteen
The sun was warm out on the front steps of Street Life, but Naomi was in a sweater. She felt chilly, exposed, as she sat out there all alone. But she couldn’t bear to be inside either.
On the outside, everything seemed back to normal. The magazine ran like a well oiled machine, almost as if nothing had happened. When Naomi took the stairs down fifteen minutes earlier, Natasha was stomping around, giving everyone hell and making sure the next issue was a best selling one.
Naomi received a text message from her mother that confirmed Camille had shown up for her counseling session earlier that morning. Both, her mother and Camille would be going to see Nigel later that afternoon. They had a lot to talk about. Nigel especially had a lot to say to Camille about how he ended up where he was. It was time they stopped sheltering her so much.
She had heard from Latoya that Andre had been locked up in Trinidad for drug trafficking and the drugs they had taken out of Camille had been turned over to the police. Either way, he would not be back in New York for a long time, if ever.
Everything was right. Except for things with Jordan.
Jordan.
He was the reason she sat on the front steps of her building instead of being productive. He was the reason she couldn’t focus. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep.
She stretched her legs out in front of her and pulled the cardigan tighter. New York in the summer. It was beautiful in its own way. Kids played on the sidewalk, cyclists shared space with motorists and pedestrians, AC units and car radios hummed. Everything seemed so alive.
Last year, she and Jordan had snuck away on a lot of these summer evenings. Once, they had taken the aerial tram to Roosevelt Island where they visited Four Freedoms Park and played hide and seek around the ruins of the Smallpox Hospital at the Southern end of Southpoint Park. Another time they used some free passes to spend a long lunch at the Bronx Zoo and saw the gorillas and polar bears. Naomi smiled as she thought about how much she would look forward to their spontaneous adventures. She would often have nothing more than an hour’s notice for something as random as a ride on the Staten Island Ferry or as simple as a snow cone on the front steps. No matter what it was, she was happy because she was with him.
“Playing hooky?”
Naomi looked up. Amanda stood in front of her. Lost so deep in her thoughts, she hadn’t noticed the woman walk up.
“Well, I am the boss, so technically, I can do what I want.”
Amanda sat down beside her. “How’s Camille?”
“Humble,” Naomi said. “I think being held at gunpoint and having to get pellets removed from her stomach managed to smack the reality into her.”
Naomi had confided to Amanda about what happened with Camille not long after she had apologized profusely to the woman for the cancelled wedding arrangements.
Amanda nodded. “Your mother must have freaked.”
“She did,” Naomi said. “She laid into Camille as soon as she stepped into the house. But when she finished, she cried and hugged her. What happened really scared Camille but I think she’s going to be alright.”
“And you?” Amanda squinted at her friend. “How are you doing?”
Naomi stared out ahead of her. Three little girls played jump rope across the street.
“Ask me again next week.”
Amanda nodded. “If it helps, Jordan looks just as bad as you do. Maybe worse.”
It didn’t help. Naomi never wanted Jordan to get hurt. She could still see the look in his eyes from that day on the hospital balcony. It haunted her in ways she could never forget.
“I’m surprised you’re even here talking to me,” Naomi said. “I can’t imagine how much embarrassment and expense this whole shenanigan cost your family.”
Amanda shrugged. “It’s just money. That comes and goes. We told everyone that there was a family emergency so the embarrassment was minimal. The parents still don’t know exactly what happened though. I think Jordan and I have agreed to keep it that way.”
Naomi turned to look at Amanda for the first time. “I’m really sorry. About everything. I’m sorry I hurt your brother, lied to you, and put your family through all of this. I just...”
“How could you have lied like that, Naomi?” The edge in Amanda’s voice made Naomi look up at her. It was the first time since everything had happened, that she saw the full breadth of Amanda’s feelings. “I know everyone has secrets, but Jordan was always so honest with you. How could you say you love him and keep all that from him?”
Naomi looked away as her eyes filled up.
“You know I never really thought me and Jordan could last,” Naomi said with a sigh. “I thought we would go out a few times and then we’d see how different we were and he’d lose interest. I never thought I would fall in love with him, and I definitely never thought he would fall in love with me. And when it happened, I wanted to tell him. I really did. But it was so… hard.”
Naomi stood up and paced. “But I guess he already knew. All this time he knew about Nigel and he never said anything...”
“He was waiting for you to tell him.”
“Maybe he was testing me,” Naomi wondered out loud. “Guess I failed.”
“He bought a house. He bought a ring. He was going to marry you,” Amanda said. “In spite
of what he knew, what you didn’t tell him, he was still going to marry you. Does that sound like a test to you?”
Naomi stopped pacing.
“No,” she finally admitted. “Not at all.”
She sank back down onto the step. “I guess it doesn’t matter anyway. All that is in the past. Jordan and I are in the past. And to be honest, I am kind of relieved. It was hard living up to the image he had of me.”
“That’s a load of crap and you know it,” Amanda said. “You are not relieved. You miss him like hell.”
Naomi sighed. Amanda was right.
“This whole thing is really hard for me,” Amanda frowned. “He’s my brother and you’re my friend. You were a bridesmaid in my wedding. I love you like family. But he is family. And if it comes down to it, I choose him.”
“I know.” Naomi’s eyes fell to the concrete. Amanda touched her arm. She looked up.
“But I honestly hope it doesn’t come to it,” Amanda said softly. “This whole thing is a mess but at least it helped you both take each other off the pedestals you had each other on. You both needed to learn to love each other while acknowledging all the flaws between the both of you. So the person you fell in love with turned out to be less than perfect. That’s life. It doesn’t change how much you love them.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway,” Naomi propped her chin on her folded arms. “I’m sure he’s moved on.”
“Stop fishing and just ask,” Amanda rolled her eyes. “No, he’s not seeing anyone. Especially not your skanky friend, Charlie, though she’s been coming around and dropping bait.”
Naomi shook her head. So what Natasha had told her about Charlie making a play for Jordan was true. No wonder she had barely laid eyes on her friend in the month since the wedding had been called off.
“You know she thinks that if I hadn’t shown up at that barbecue four years ago, she and Jordan would have ended up together,” Naomi said dryly.
“Are you serious?” Amanda said wide-eyed. “You let her say that to your face and still be walking upright?”