"Ok now go to the bathroom and brush your teeth, it's your first day at school today and we don't want to be late."
"Ok mummy." Adrian said and skipped off to the bathroom. Jocasta retrieved a black bag from under the kitchen sink and went back into the bedroom to dispose of the kitten. On closer inspection the kitten's neck looked far too long for its body as it if had been stretched. How the eye had come out of its socket was a mystery to Jocasta but she supposed that Adrian must have cuddled the cat just a little bit too tightly and suffocated it. Jocasta hoped that this episode would not have a detrimental effect on Adrian; she felt terrible for him and worried that he may have nightmares about the poor kitten. She knew now that she couldn't allow Adrian to play outside of the flat away from her again, even on the landing; it just caused too many problems. Jocasta decided the best thing to do would be to pretend it had never happened, Adrian would have forgotten all about it by the time he came home from school; she was more worried how he would cope with a day away from her.
Jocasta put the kitten in with the household rubbish and when they left for school she went to the rubbish chute and tipped the bag inside. She heard the next door neighbour calling, "Here kitty, kitty." And realised that he must have purchased the kitten recently; holding down her guilt and determined to keep her mouth shut about the whole episode, Jocasta grasped Adrian's hand and they began to make their journey to his new school.
-x-
Jocasta's heart felt very heavy as she stood in Elisworth Town School's playground. This was Adrian's first day at school, first day ever of being away from his mother and first day really of the rest of his life.
After having Adrian, Jocasta's plans to return to work were scuppered by her inability to leave the child alone. He consumed her very being and was her reason for waking up each morning. Where work had been her only companion, Adrian had taken over any wants that Jocasta had.
She didn't need anything else in her life, indeed for the first week she had actually forgotten to eat anything. It was only when the health visitor came for her final visit to sign Jocasta and Adrian off as fit, that the health visitor noted Jocasta's pallor and asked her if she had been eating. The realisation that if she didn't eat and keep herself well then her baby would suffer too, spurred Jocasta into taking better care of herself.
Since then she had done nothing but what was right for Adrian and made sure that she was fit and healthy enough to look after him; a happy coincidence of this was that Jocasta now had the figure of a woman instead of a lumpy potato. Not that anyone noticed; it hadn't changed her invisibility where every other human on this planet was concerned.
-x-
As Jocasta stood in the playground she took in her surroundings. The grounds were that of a typical primary school with tricycles and hula hoops dotted about on the rubber coated tarmac. There were mums and dads standing with their children, all waiting for the start of their first day at school. It was obvious to Jocasta that a lot of the parents were familiar with each other as they were chatting amiably together, comfortable in each other's company. She could hear snippets of conversation where they all talked about how their summers had been, children largely ignored as they hung off their parents or ran around with each other. It was also sadly obvious to Jocasta that she was the subject of many conversations.
"Look at the state of her." One dark haired woman said to her anorexic friend. The friend nodded and added, "Fuck her, it's the kid; look at it, hit every branch of the ugly tree that one."
"Yeah," laughed the dark haired woman, "When he was born the doctor gave her a slap." Both fell about laughing, before moving onto their next victim. Jocasta took a deep breath and stroked Adrian's head. He seemed oblivious to their comments so she decided not to take it any further.
She knew that Adrian was unlike the other children. He was still beautiful to her but he was unlike the other cute and angelic children who played so care free around her. Unfortunately he had taken on the worst parts of both Jocasta and Avram alike; he had dark bristly hair which stood in unruly curls. A very thick monobrow which sat over hooded dirty blue eyes and one of his top teeth stuck out in the same peculiar way as his father's had. He was also extremely skinny, which made his feet seem much larger than they were. Jocasta looked down on him and stroked his hair, a lump forming in her throat at the thought of having to leave him at the classroom door.
A loud alarm signalled the start of the school day and the classroom doors opened. All the children were encouraged by the teacher to form a line outside the classroom door. Adrian had been standing silently beside his mother until this moment, unsure of where he was and what was going to happen. Jocasta had told him about school and that he was going to meet new friends and learn about the world. She manoeuvred him into the line and stood back in the throng of parents surrounding the line of children.
A piercing scream cut through the melee of jostling school children. Two small hands reached for Jocasta's trouser leg and she looked down to find the scream was coming from Adrian. Fat tears streamed from his eyes, "Mummy no." he cried, "No, I don't want to go, mummy don't leave me." The scream turned into a cry with much gasping for air, causing Adrian's head to jerk back in an alarming manner. Snot streamed from his nose and Jocasta had never felt more helpless.
She had put this off for a year already, choosing not to send Adrian to nursery as it wasn't the law and she wanted to keep him to herself for another year. It had not occurred to her that to send him to nursery was to gently break him into the routine of school life and would help him fit in at 'big school'. No, Jocasta was not going to give up her time with her son that easily, she could not and would not cut any cords with Adrian until she had to, he was hers and she was going to keep him to herself for as long as she possibly could.
"Just leave him with me, he will be fine." A large hand appeared on Adrian's shoulder; Jocasta looked up to see a male who was looking at her with a sympathetic expression on his face. He was dressed all in brown, comfortable clothing which had never seen an iron. He had brown scruffy hair which looked as if he ran his hands through it constantly. The male did that now as he addressed Jocasta, "I'm Mr Martin, his teacher, don't worry it is always hard for them at first but by Christmas they are all skipping in quite happily."
"I can't just leave him here when he's being like this, he needs me." Jocasta's attempt to take control of the situation was falling on deaf ears.
"No it's fine; there are always a couple of kids who can't cope at first." He gestured towards the door where another young boy was holding on to his mother's skirt whilst she was pushing him gently through the door into the arms of the waiting teacher.
"Honestly, he will be fine. If you want, you can call us in an hour and we will let you know how he's getting on. The number is on his entry letter." Mr Martin took hold of Adrian and gently unclenched Adrian's fists from Jocasta's trousers.
Jocasta didn't know what she could do to help Adrian. It felt as though she was throwing him to the wolves, not taking him to school. She just wanted to pick him up and run away from this place as fast as she possibly could and it was all she could do not to go with her instincts. Feeling emotion bubbling up inside her Jocasta turned away from Adrian and Mr Martin and walked stiffly to the school gates, Adrian's cries echoing in her ears. She could not look back as she knew to see his anguished face again would make her act on her emotions.
With a choking cry she set off for home, ignoring the looks she got from other mothers and trying not to listen to the barely concealed whispers.
"What an ugly child, did you see all that snot; disgusting."
"His mother's no better, hairy witch"
"Fucking weirdos if you ask me."
"There's always one nutter wherever you go."
"Yeah well I'm telling my Billy to keep away from him."
Biting down on her urge to shout at the parents to fuck right off, Jocasta turned and left the playground, the insults ringing in her ears.
&
nbsp; The last four years of Jocasta and Adrian's lives had been safe, innocuous, protected and joyful. Just the two of them together, loving each other and enjoying each other's company. Their world was now being torn apart for the sake of education. Jocasta felt as though Adrian had been ripped from her arms and cast into a world which was callous and unforgiving. They wouldn't understand what a wonderful child he was, they wouldn't see him as she did. All they would see was his face, which to them was ugly and didn't conform to their idea of perfect. To her he was beautiful, to them he was ugly. To her he was angelic; to them he was a daemon by virtue of his looks. Never would they look past his face to find the beauty inside, he would be tormented and challenged all his life because his face didn't fit.
"No." Jocasta shouted into the air, but continued to walk home just the same; there was nothing she could do about the law. She let herself into her flat, ran to the kitchen, grabbed a packet of chocolate biscuits and sat on the once immaculate sofa in her front room, chomping one biscuit after the other, barely tasting them in her haste to shove them down her gullet. She heard the next door neighbour in the corridor once again calling for his kitten which just made her feel even worse, for Adrian, who must surely be suffering from his terrible experience that morning. Looking at the clock she sat quietly eating and she waited until the time her beloved son could be saved from his wretched day.
Chapter 5
'One good mother is worth a hundred schoolmasters.'
Ralph Waldo Emerson
15 December 1996
Jocasta waited in the reception area of Elisworth Town Primary School. She had received a telephone call from the school secretary that morning asking her to come and visit the Head Master of the school, Mr Cross. The secretary would not divulge to Jocasta the reason for the visit, just stating that it was serious and could not wait until another day.
Jocasta had waited for the bus, her imagination running away with her as to what the reason could be for being called so promptly into school. Had Adrian been beaten up? Had he finally managed to achieve a grade in reading and she was being called in to be congratulated? She had smirked at the thought of that; even if Adrian had managed to conform to their standards of reading, she doubted very much that they would bother to congratulate her for it.
The school hadn't changed in the thirty years since she had attended there; the walls were still a dirty cream colour and there was still a bare green covering on the floor, too thin to be considered a carpet, but new enough that it wasn't the same one she had walked on as a child. There was a familiar smell to the school which had a calming effect on Jocasta, she had been mercilessly bullied in the playground when she had attended and she had sought sanctuary often in the reception area; protected by the school administrators who were sympathetic to her plight. Many days had been spent by Jocasta counting the stains on the carpet and drawing imaginary lines between each one, creating pictures with her mind to pass the boredom in the self-imposed prison each afternoon.
The door creaked open in front of her and a male walked out with purpose, presenting himself in front of Jocasta.
"Thank you for coming in Mrs Brown."
"It's Miss Brown."
The raised eyebrow was not lost on Jocasta; it was a standard response to her being a single parent. She never hid the fact, she was proud to be the sole owner of her little boy.
"I'm Mr Cross, headmaster of the school, please follow me." Mr Cross turned and walked back through the creaking door without looking back, obviously confident that Jocasta would follow him as instructed, she didn't know why he insisted on introducing himself to her every time they met; they had already had a few parent, teacher consultations since Adrian had started school. Jocasta followed Mr Cross down a long narrow hallway which was impossibly hot as every radiator seemed to be on full blast regardless of whether warmth had already been achieved. Jocasta glimpsed through windowed doors which were lined periodically along the corridor. She saw row upon row of children sitting at their desks, some with hands in the air obviously desperate to be the one to give the right answer. At one stage she thought she saw Adrian standing sullenly near a window, staring at the class before him; she didn't have a chance to confirm what she had seen as Mr Cross continued to stride along the corridor and she knew if she didn't keep up she could quite possibly get lost or reprimanded for her tardiness.
Finally at the end of the hallway, Mr Cross directed Jocasta into an office, it was a rectangle room covered in the felt boards which were familiar to schools, dotted with the hand drawings of pupils and with pictures of smiling school children holding aloft plaques and trophies which had been won. Jocasta sat in the chair indicated to her by Mr Cross.
"Yes sorry, Miss Brown, thank you for coming in to see me today, I'm afraid we need to speak about your son's behaviour." Mr Cross sat behind his standard council issue desk. He looked decidedly like his name at this point and Jocasta experienced a flutter deep in the pit of her stomach. What could a six year old boy have done to evoke such apparent anger in the head master of his school?
"Has he been disrupting the class again?" enquired Jocasta, "He has never really settled properly in school, I think he finds it difficult being away from home."
"We have discussed his settling in before Miss Brown; I am still of the opinion that Adrian is suffering from attention deficit disorder..."
"That's just jargon..." Jocasta began her usual defence when faced with Adrian's problems.
"Mrs Brown." Mr Cross's sharp interruption took Jocasta by surprise. He was usually quite ready to listen to her side of the matter. "Mrs Brown, I haven't asked you here because of that although that is still a concern for me."
"Well why am I here then?"
"You are here because Adrian has assaulted one of his classmates."
"He's been in a fight? I'm sure he didn't start it, he..."
Mr Cross put his hand up stopping Jocasta once again from stating her case. "Not a fight Mrs Brown, please allow me to finish."
"Go on then." She didn't know what was coming but Jocasta could feel her hackles rising waiting for another ridiculous accusation levied at her son.
"Adrian took a female classmate into the boy's toilets today against her will and put his hands in her underwear."
"I'm sorry Mr Cross, he did what?" She wondered if he had actually just said, 'put his hands in her underwear' or if she had just imagined it."
"I know it must be difficult to hear but you heard right; Adrian has sexually assaulted a young girl in his class, she is very distressed and her parents..."
"Whoa, hold on there, sexually assaulted? He's six years old, an innocent child. How can you class anything he does as criminal? He doesn't know what he's doing, he's a baby." Jocasta's voice was rising as panic overtook her.
"Mrs Brown, please calm down." The head master came around to Jocasta's side of the desk and placed a hand on her shoulder. "It was the wrong choice of words, I'm sorry." He reassured her. "Of course we understand that Adrian is a very young boy, still learning right from wrong, but in light of Adrian's..." He paused, searching for the right word, "Problems, and what appears to be an escalation of his behaviour, we feel it necessary for you to have him assessed properly so we can move forwards and help him with his condition." Mr Cross stopped and a benevolent smile wiped its way across his face. "Now Mrs Brown, the girl's parents have been informed but I am pleased to tell you they agree it was probably just innocent play and are happy not to take this any further." He returned to his side of the desk and his decidedly higher chair, "What we need to do now is..."
Jocasta sat in stunned silence as the head master talked at her about special needs, behavioural problems and blah, blah. Was this really her boy they were talking about?
Her sweet, sunny and loving Adrian; her one and only son?
When he was at home they had such a close loving friendship with each other. Jocasta could not do enough for Adrian; she catered to his every need and desire. He never behaved badl
y when he was with her, how could this be the same child?
She decided that actually, no, once again the face didn't fit. Other children were obviously making up lies to get Adrian into trouble. Behavioural problems were just the schools excuse to get rid of their square peg. They would not win. Her Adrian deserved an education the same as every other child. His pain at leaving his mother and her daily torture of listening to his pleading to stay home would not be in vain. The system wanted him; the system could have him and now see it through to the very end; she would make sure Adrian got the education he deserved.
Jocasta decided that she had heard enough from the mouth across the desk. "Mr Cross," she interrupted his incessant droning.
"Yes Mrs Brown?"
"I understand there may be problems with Adrian. I have probably been burying my head in the sand but I want to get him as much help as possible. You are right; he can't be allowed to interact with his classmates if it is going to lead to trouble. Maybe a change of scenery is what he needs. Please do whatever is necessary to help him get on with his schooling."
"Thank you Mrs Brown." Smugness crossed his face and Jocasta could see him mentally patting himself on the back. "We will refer Adrian to special needs and he can start in the unit tomorrow." He handed her a leaflet which gave the address of Adrian's new school placement. "I hope he is happier there than he was here, I really sincerely do."
"Oh I see you've already taken steps to have him removed." Jocasta said accusingly. "I don't know why we bothered with this conversation; it's obvious you already intended to send him away regardless of what happened here." Mr Cross looked down at his desk, seemingly embarrassed by Jocasta's accusations.
"I only want what is best for Adrian, Mrs Brown; I truly believe he will be happier in a specialised unit."
"I'm sure anywhere would be better than here," Jocasta stood up from her chair, "Oh and Mr Cross?"
Mother Be The Judge Page 3