Mother Be The Judge

by O'Brien, Sally

  The flat screen television stood proudly on the cheap MDF sideboard, a SKY box beside it, hooked up and ready to go. It was brand new and fully paid for, a result of much sacrifice on Jocasta's part; she had almost forgotten what chocolate tasted like. This was Adrian's gift, his eighteenth birthday present. It was also Jocasta's way of reconnecting with her son; her hope was that now he had reached adulthood they would become companions and she had visions of them sitting together watching the new telly, eagerly following the trials and tribulations of the families on Coronation Street and her personal favourite, Eastenders. She knew Adrian had a keen interest in Crime Scenes as he now owned every version of the video game. SKY would now give Adrian the opportunity to watch the programme as well and Jocasta was looking forward to learning about and sharing his interest, even if it was a little macabre. She visualised a cosy couple together in a comfortable silence, her in her usual spot and Adrian making his own dent in the sofa.

  Hearing Adrian's door open, Jocasta quickly lit the candles on the Victoria sponge she had made the night before. The jam oozed out of the middle and powdered sugar covered the burnt bits on the top. Not being very good at icing, Jocasta had opted for plain and simple. She sat smiling, so proud of the present she had bought for Adrian. Jocasta couldn't wait to see the look on Adrian's face when he saw the television she had bought him. She decided to turn it on so he could see the telly in full effect.

  Jocasta heard the flush of the toilet and then Adrian's bedroom door closing once again. Her heart sank when she realised he was not coming into the front room to see her or his present. Believing that maybe he hadn't woken properly yet, Jocasta blew out the candles and sat back to watch This Morning with her favourite, Philip Schofield; he always cheered up her mornings. She would wait until Adrian was ready.

  -x-

  After another two hours and several unsuccessful attempts to lure Adrian out of his room, Jocasta decided she would pop to the shops to get the ingredients for that night's dinner. She got ready and left the flat, stepping out into the noon day summer's sun. Big Value had built a supermarket behind the Fern Bridge estate which had made shopping very convenient for Jocasta. She enjoyed the short walk through the children's playground to get there as she loved to see the young kids from the estate playing. Her flat looked down on the playground and Jocasta often watched the girls and boys of the estate play with the equipment. The ages of the children would change with the hours of the day; teenagers taking over the playground later in the day, intimidating the younger ones back to their homes. Parents were rarely there to defend their children; the playground was used exclusively by kids from the estate, where everybody knew each other and all were confident their children were safe.

  Jocasta walked through the playground now, enjoying the warmth from the sun on her skin. She smiled as she saw two young girls on the swings, kicking their legs backwards and forwards to make the swings get higher and higher. She knew their names were Lacey and Savannah as she saw them here often and had heard them calling out to each other. Jocasta was used to seeing the girls alone but was always filled with disgust for the parents who so carelessly left their children to play. She would never have allowed Adrian to go anywhere alone as a child, especially at the very young age she believed these girls to be; they could not have been more than ten or eleven years old. These parents also seemed to allow their girls to dress like tarts in her opinion. 'What mothers let their daughter wear crop tops and mini-skirts?' Jocasta mouthed to herself. No matter how hot it was if she had had a daughter then jeans and a t-shirt or a pretty summer dress would have been her clothing of choice.

  She continued to walk towards Big Value but heard one of the girls calling, "Adrian." She turned to see the girls looking up towards her flat and looked up herself to see Adrian hanging out of his bedroom window. He was smiling down at the girls and threw a paper plane down to their uplifted arms. Jocasta saw the girl whom she thought was Lacey; reach down for the piece of paper. Lacey opened the plane out into its original state and both girls read or looked at whatever was on the paper, giggling to each other. Both girls then waved up to Adrian and skipped out of the park, Lacey still clutching the now crumpled piece of paper. Jocasta looked up again at Adrian's bedroom window hoping to catch his eye and exchange a wave, but he had already returned to the confines of his bedroom.

  -x-

  Big Value was busy as usual; at times this irritated Jocasta because people irritated her. She would often have a trolley barged into the back of her legs as if she were invisible and never a sorry was uttered by the offending trolley pusher. Today though Jocasta didn't mind the crowds; Adrian's refusal to come out of his bedroom had filled Jocasta with a loneliness she didn't believe she had experienced since Adrian had been born. In truth the loneliness had begun to develop ever since the day Adrian had blamed her for his indiscretion with his young classmate. After Jocasta had bought him the computer he had removed himself from her company. Jocasta had been in denial about this though, choosing to keep herself busy tidying the house or preparing for their joint mealtimes, but today's events had led her to realise that even if you have a physical being in your home it can still be a very lonely place. Now she understood what people meant when they talked of being lonely in a loveless marriage.

  She meandered down and up the numerous aisles looking for inspiration for a food item which may tempt Adrian from his room. Eventually Jocasta plumped for tuna pasta bake, always guaranteed to make Adrian smile. She went through the checkout and paid for her items then stopped to look at the board where customers would advertise their cast offs for sale. Sometimes a bargain could be had here. As Jocasta looked through the Ads for second hand buggies, cots, toys, furniture and empty fish tanks, she spotted the situations vacant board which was usually empty. Today there was an advert for a position in the store to be a floor assistant. Believing Adrian might be interested and wanting to give him an advantage, Jocasta removed the advert from its slot and put it in her pocket to take home. This could be just the thing Adrian needed to break into the world of work; it may even get him out of his bedroom and onto the sofa. Jocasta left Big Value feeling optimistic about her return home, sometimes more than just household items could be found in the supermarket; this could change Adrian's life.

  -x-

  Jocasta was thrilled to find Adrian sitting on the sofa when she got home. He had turned on the television and was busy watching a programme about antiques with a decidedly orange David Dickenson rabbiting on about chips. "What do you think?" Jocasta said as she moved into the room, "Its great isn't it?"

  "Mmm." Adrian's usual monosyllabic reply came. "Need Sky Plus." He stated before getting up and starting the return journey to his bedroom.

  "Well," said Jocasta, "There's a job going at Big Value." She handed him the card. "If you got that you could afford to get it."

  Adrian took the card from her hand. He smiled a smile which made Jocasta's heart thump in her chest. "Yeah actually that's a good idea." He enthused, "I'll go there now."

  Adrian went and took his jacket from the coat hook, putting it on he then said, "I will see you later." He gave a short wave before leaving the flat.

  The job was obviously what had been missing from Adrian's life. Jocasta gave a silent prayer to an unknown God to let Adrian get the job. It pleased her that she had made Adrian smile on his birthday; even if it wasn't with the television she had spent so much money on. Her boy was happy and that's all she needed in her life.

  -x-

  Putting the pasta on to boil Jocasta sang 'Mama Mia' as she opened a tin of tuna and another of sweetcorn. Food always made her happy. The thought of the flavours entering her mouth, followed by the juicy chew and the satisfying lump in her gullet as the food moved down to her stomach was like sex to Jocasta. Made even more pleasurable by the promise of a pudding, which was a rarity because of the expense. There was pudding today of course and she eyed the Victoria sponge hungrily. "You will be mine, oh yes, you will b
e mine," she promised the sponge cake. Jocasta eagerly awaited the arrival of Adrian. She hoped it was good news. The meal, the television and a new job would make this the best birthday present Adrian had ever had.

  The front door opened just as she set the pasta bake on the table. "I got it." yelled Adrian from the corridor. He came into the kitchen with a jaunty walk and a true smile on his face. "I got the job." he exclaimed.

  "Oh that is wonderful Adrian; I knew you would get it."

  "Yes, I'm working on the shop floor stacking shelves but if I do well they might put me on the tills."

  Jocasta hadn't seen Adrian this animated for a long time. She knew then that he had turned the corner into adulthood and the visions of comfortable nights in watching the new television came back to her. Everything was going to be lovely.

  Adrian

  Chapter 9

  'The wicked envy and hate; it is their way of admiring.'

  Emo Philips

  December 2000

  Adrian woke up after his anaesthetic. A sudden nausea overcame him and he leant over the bed to be sick.

  "It's ok darling." His ever present mum was there. She held a paper bowl under his mouth as he vomited and rubbed his back with the other hand.

  "How are you feeling now?" she asked him, "Has the pain gone?"

  Adrian still felt very groggy, his brain was not working properly but he tried to focus on his penis to see if it still hurt. He did feel sore but the excruciating pain he had felt before the operations had dissipated.

  "I think its ok mummy." Adrian said, "It doesn't hurt like before."

  "That's good." His mum didn't seem herself; Adrian noticed that she had been crying as her eyes were very red. That was strange to him as she had just said he was going to be ok.

  "What's wrong mummy, why are you crying?"

  "I was worried about you."

  "I thought I was going to be ok?"

  "Yes but the doctors told me they had to take away the bit that was hurting." His mother soothed him.

  "My willy?" Adrian asked. He was abhorred by the notion.

  "No, no don't worry, it's not that. You had the bits below them taken away."

  His mother went on to explain everything the doctors had told her, Adrian didn't really understand what had happened to him. He was only ten so didn't comprehend what his testicles were actually used for. His mum told him he would never be able to have children, this was another thing lost on Adrian, he couldn't imagine being an adult so being a father was way beyond his grasp.

  "Don't worry mummy, that's ok, I'm feeling much better now." Mother and son sat on the bed hugging each other, Adrian was just glad that the pain had gone away.

  -x-

  October 2003

  Over the next three years it became apparent to Adrian just what he had lost in the operation. As he had started to get older and move towards his teen years, he saw the boys at school enter into puberty at various ages. Adrian saw his classmates; some as early as ten years old, begin to get much taller. Almost overnight one lad called Ben had gone from David to Goliath. Voices were beginning to break, much to the delight of the girls in the school who would mimic their sing song voices. Hair grew in the strangest of places and the boys would show each other their thickening penises and pubic hair.

  Adrian could not be party to any of this; the removal of his testicles had meant that when he was ready for puberty he should begin to receive testosterone injections to aid his growth. His mother was very much in charge of this destiny and didn't seem to want Adrian to grow; rather than taking him for his injections immediately after he had recovered from his operation she had continued with day to day life and had never mentioned the doctors or injections of any kind. Adrian had badgered her daily and told her that he didn't feel right and wanted to be like all the other boys. She finally accepted Adrian's point of view and began to take him on his twelfth birthday.

  It wasn't too late in the grand scheme of boys in puberty as there were a few other boys who hadn't started by twelve, but Adrian felt like he should have been given the opportunity earlier rather than later. He began to resent his mother's involvement in his life; this was a new feeling for him, as a younger boy he had nothing but love for his mum. She was there to catch him every time he fell and he knew she would do anything he asked of her.

  After the op, however, he began to wonder why his mum had allowed the doctors to mutilate him in such a horrible way. He had seen hospital programmes on the television and no one had ever had their testicles taken away. Moving on into his teens and wanting to become independent, his mother's love became suffocating.

  When his mother had finally taken him to the doctors and the testosterone injections had begun, Adrian could feel the difference to his body almost immediately. The biggest change was the uncontrollable erection that had surprised him the next morning. He tingled from the tips of his toes all the way up to the top of his head. His body, where once was skinny and slightly hairy was now starting to thicken and hair was sprouting from every pore. It didn't happen overnight of course but Adrian felt empowered by his new manhood. He felt whole again.

  Adrian then grew and matched the other lads in the class. This pleased him but he was still very aware that something was missing anatomically. After P.E. he would not shower, preferring to be castigated for his smell rather than his lack of bollocks. He would look down at himself each morning and curse the mother that put him in this position.

  -x-

  Another overwhelming feeling Adrian experienced was a desire for women. Actually, women was not the right word. He definitely preferred younger girls; he liked the fact that they didn't have hair like his hirsute mother. The young girls also seemed to see past his ugliness because they were innocent enough to only seek friendship without any thought of sexual coupling. His looks were irrelevant to them; they only wanted to be his friend. He hoped that he could maybe change their minds as they got older and perhaps start a relationship one day with a nice girl.

  One particular girl Adrian liked was Charmaine; she was still very young, looking even younger than her eleven years. He liked her curly blond hair and would dream of putting his fingers inside her ringlets so he could feel how silky they were. She had very bright blue eyes and pale white skin, which was the complete opposite of his mother. She also had a very slender body with no ugly protrusions; just how he liked it. His mother had bits sticking out everywhere and he considered this the epitome of ugliness.

  Adrian had tried to speak to her in the playgrounds at break times and lunch hours but Charmaine would never look in his direction, not exchange even a "Hello," with him. Continuous daily advances were spurned and Adrian became increasingly frustrated. He would masturbate furiously at home thinking about how Charmaine may look naked or if she had her mouth around his penis. Adrian felt like the egg timer in his mother's kitchen; it would tick, tick, tick until it finally erupted when the time was right.

  The time was right for Adrian on the 10th October. He saw Charmaine sitting in her usual spot on the stairs and as he walked towards her he decided just to go for it. He thought Charmaine would enjoy him touching her as he had imagined and anyway she was too stupid to tell even if she didn't like it.

  Adrian reached Charmaine and immediately kissed her lips, grabbing at her pubic area at the same time. She had bucked like a frightened rabbit and pulled away from Adrian. Being fearful that Charmaine would run and get a teacher, Adrian had grabbed at her top but it ripped in his hands. Charmaine ran away and Adrian sat on the stairs for the remainder of the break waiting for the inevitable hand on his shoulder which would take him to the headmaster's office.

  -x-

  Things had taken a different route to what Adrian had expected. Instead of a telling off in the head master's office as had happened the last time he had messed with a girl, police were called and he was now sitting on a wooden bench in the custody suite of Olinsbury police station. Fear permeated every pore of Adrian's body; he had no
t considered the true consequences of his actions towards Charmaine. His mother had been called and he thought she would be so angry and disappointed with him that he wouldn't blame her if she meted out a very severe punishment. He felt like he deserved it, he had been stupid to think that Charmaine would accept him just like that. He realised he needed to speak to her first, get her to like him and then he would have been able to kiss her.

  Once his mother and solicitor arrived and the police conducted their preliminary procedures, it became clear to Adrian that his mother was going to defend his actions. She had arrived and pulled Adrian into her arms, smothering him with her chest and forcing him to smell her vile stench of sweat and hair. She had told him everything was going to be ok and at every opportunity told the police there was no way Adrian could be responsible.

  Rather than be proud of his mother's love, her actions caused him to despise her. Didn't she realise he had done wrong?

  Didn't she know how much he wanted to do it again?

  Couldn't she see that he needed to be punished?

  It was her job to discipline and guide Adrian; she shouldn't let him get away with everything. Adrian thought all these things but didn't voice them to his mother.

  Adrian met his solicitor and when they spoke he could see and feel the contempt coming from him, but when he looked towards his mother she wore the same pathetic look which said, 'Everything's fine, I love you.' Her stupid eyebrow sat atop her piggy eyes. It was one feature which made her so ugly; Adrian had inherited it from her, another reason for him to hate the bloody woman.