But now he was here, just a few short feet from me, but what did it all mean? Am I gonna go live with him now, or will he find somewhere else to pack me off to?
That sounded really disloyal and I don’t mean to, but sometimes I get so mad that no one lets me have any say. If they did I would’ve told them a long time ago that I wanted to go live with him.
I guess that some would say that I was old enough to leave. I was smart enough to get myself a little job and maybe a place of my own. But he would never let me. I knew from other conversations that he would never let me go out on my own, even if he had stayed away himself.
There were times I thought of it though. Times when I got so mad at him, at her, at everyone that had any kind of say in my life. But then I would become ashamed of myself.
I owed him my life, and though she’d not been nice to me, at least she had kept a roof over my head, food on the table.
I’m pretty sure Creed had a lot to do with that, that he was the one looking out for my welfare from afar.
Each time he came in the past it was always like Xmas and my birthday rolled into one and when he’d leave I’d die a little. Especially when he was going off to war.
He’d always tell me where he was going, when he could that is. It was the times when he couldn’t that scared me the most. But the times it wasn’t some top-secret mission, he’d show me on the globe he’d got me for my room where he was going to be.
Every night I’d focus on that exact place and imagine him there and pray for him to be safe. I never understood never questioned really, how we just meshed from the very beginning.
I never feared him the way I did some of my dad’s friends that use to come around all the time. He’s the only person I’ve ever felt safe with, the only one I trusted. It was as if we’d known each other all our lives, from the first second he had taken my little hand in his.
I think in the beginning we both were scared, I know I was. I had no idea what was going to become of me that day. The old man had been threatening to do it for a while, but somehow I’d always talked him out of it.
Looking back now I wonder why I even bothered, since he was never much of a dad. But that day he’d gone into one of his rants about what a burden I was and how he had to get the monkey off his back.
That was the first time I couldn’t talk him down. I remember being so afraid; I just knew he was going to sell me to one of his friends. At twelve I wasn’t as very well aware of what their leering looks and hungry eyes meant.
I remember the raw fear, the panic and the taste of defeat, as I stood in that parking lot in the dark, defenseless, nowhere to run, no one to help. And then he came along. I thought he had to be a movie star or somebody famous the way he moved and his beautiful face.
He’d made my young heart jump. I watched him under my lashes as he walked across the lot from his car, his stride confident, sure. Nothing like the men I was accustomed to being around that’s for sure.
I remember a moment’s pang of regret as he walked by. And then it happened. To this day I don’t know if the old man had noticed my reaction and was doing something good for me, if he was it would’ve been a first.
But he’d called out to him and I’d known a new fear. You see; if he turned him down, then the first dream I’d had in forever would die a quick death. But if he kept going then I could always imagine for a long-long time.
He’d come over and stood there towering over us, I know now that he’d six-five or thereabout and his arm was covered with tattoos. The thing that had once driven fear in me because up to that point the only men I’d known with ink, were all pretty much losers like my dad, had seemed so beautiful on this stranger.
When he opened his mouth to speak I know I fell a little bit in love, but when he looked into my eyes, that’s when I knew that I would never have to fear him. I think he felt it too, though I could never be sure, but I think there was something.
Not sexual of course, I would’ve known if it was. It was I who years later had started mooning over him, me who chased him away most likely. But back then, that night when my life hung in the balance, I knew he would protect me.
When he’d looked like he wanted to beat the tar out the old man she knew he was the right one. And when all was said and done and he’d taken my hand and led me away I’d felt real hope for the first time in my young life.
Even days later when he took me to my aunt’s it didn’t matter, he’d already promised to take care of me and somehow I knew I could trust him. I didn’t know my aunt well, but from what little I did know, she and the old man never got along.
That had been enough for me back then. And the way she’d gone on while Creed was there, fussing over her only sister’s little girl, I’d thought for sure my life had really taken a turn for the better. Little did I know what was hiding behind that sticky sweet smile of hers.
None of that had mattered though, because I had him and I knew for the rest of my life I would, he’d promised. I had been able to swallow a lot because of that fact.
He’d kept his word, always coming to me whenever he was home. Sometimes he’d come to me before he did anything else, just show up no matter what time of the day or night.
Those times he’d grab me up and hug me so hard, I always cried, and though I could see the emotion in his own eyes, he always kept them contained.
Over the years we’d grown close, almost like best pals. When he was home he’d spend as much time with me as he could, taking me places, showing me new things, and each year I fell more and more in love with him.
Then, when I turned eighteen, everything changed, and not just my body. That thing inside me for him had grown out of all proportion and I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I knew then that I was in love with him, and it scared me as much as it excited me. I knew it would never happen, that he’d never cross that line, but my young heart had yearned and wanted so badly that I think I’d somehow let it slip a little.
And then he’d disappeared. When I’d asked him to prom it had taken every ounce of courage I had. I’d been so afraid of his rejection that I’d thrown up for two days before I finally fond what it took to ask.
That night had been the best of my life. All the girls had been green with envy, but that’s not what made it so special. He’d treated me like an adult that night, almost like a date.
He’d catered to my every wish, making the other boys there seem so inconsequential. And when one of the other girls, one that I absolutely hated had asked him to dance, he’d politely turned her down.
Now that had made my whole time at school worth all the pain and the heartache. Kids can be cruel and in my case they took every opportunity. My aunt had had no problem sending me to school in the cast offs of someone else and since the town was so small everyone pretty much knew.
In the beginning when I’d been younger, I’d tried to tell Creed that she wasn’t what she pretended to be, but somehow she was always able to convince him that I was lying. I’d eventually just stopped trying.
But that night, when I was wearing the best dress because he’d insisted and I’d got my hair and nails done because again he’d said his babygirl deserved the best memory of that night. His babygirl, I use to love the way he called me that. Still do, but for different reasons.
But that night had been magic, and then it was over and he was gone, until now. Of course we’d talked on the phone, but even those conversations had become stilted and hollow.
It had almost broken my heart when I realized that I was losing him too, not Creed, he was supposed to be mine for always. But the last almost three years had been almost unbearable without him.
There were so many times when I felt like just telling him the truth about how I felt, or running away and hiding. Those were the two choices I’d given myself, but in the end I could never leave my Creed.
Now he’s back and he’s taking me away with him and I’m afraid, afraid of what was going to happe
n if he left me behind again. I’m not a little kid anymore and by all rights he doesn’t owe me anything.
My heart hurt at the thought of me losing him. What if he gets married and has a family of his own? What if he meets someone that doesn’t understand or accept my place in his life? Why can’t he choose me?
I know he thinks I’m just a silly little girl who won’t fit into his life. He probably thinks I’m too stupid to even know anything about that, but I’ve always known everything about him.
Like how he’d saved a bunch of people when he was away at war, or how he’d burned out a whole village to save his fellow soldiers when they’d been captured and were about to be beheaded.
That one had scared me a lot. It was the first time I’d realized that being in a war was nothing like the romantic movies they showed us on TV.
The only reason I’d learned about any of his exploits is because I’d signed up for every army social media in our area. I’d had to pretend to be the daughter of a deployed soldier, which I kinda was, except…no better not let my mind wander there too much this time. Not with him just a few feet away.
This was the first time in years that we’d been alone together and I was determined not to do anything to mess it up. I didn’t want him to go away for a long time again, and since I was never too sure what had made him leave last time, I wasn’t about to take any chances.
My aunt Dee had said it was something I’d done, probably my complaining to him about stuff. But that couldn’t be true because I never complained about anything, not anymore. Not since the beginning when she would convince him that everything I said was a lie.
I’d resented him for that as well, and though it wasn’t in my nature to yell and scream, I’ve wanted to with him a couple times. But always I’d remember his smile and his kindness. That he was the only one in my life who’d ever treated me with true kindness, and my heart would melt.
Besides, I wasn’t that dumb that I didn’t see what was going on. She had him fooled just like she had everyone else. She’d only stopped hitting me because of the one time Creed had noticed a mark and as is his way had asked about it.
She’d slithered her way out of that one too, and though I’d tried to tell him with my eyes that she was lying he’d fallen for her made up story once again. Two days later I’d learned why he’d been so preoccupied. He’d been given orders to go in and bring out his comrades.
The papers had been very vague about the rescue, and of course he wasn’t the only one involved, but they’d hailed him personally. I’d never been so proud in my life, and I’d forgiven him for disappointing me once again where she was concerned.
I’d just always told myself that one day I’ll make him listen to me and then he’d be sorry that he hadn’t all along. But that was when I was young, before the changes.
As time went on I learned to keep my mouth shut and stay out of the way, she’d convinced me that he only listened to her anyway, and that nothing I said bore any weight. It was only as I got older and started hanging around other people that I started to doubt her. But by then there was a sort of rift between him and I. One that I had no idea how to fix.
I knew he couldn’t be the uncaring oaf I’d sometimes come to think of him as. I mean his new thing since leaving the army was saving kids from distressful situations. The local papers from the surrounding towns were full of the stuff he’d been up to since coming home.
Even the online Topix forums were mostly about him some days. That’s where I got my fill of stories about him. It’s also where I learned about his reputation with women.
That one had hurt for days, a physical pain like I’d never known…
“What’s the matter?” Oh shit, I’d groaned out loud and now he was sitting up in bed looking at me. I felt my face heat up as I opened my eyes the rest of the way even though the room was shrouded in darkness. “Nothing, uh, I was just thinking about something.”
He looked at me like he wasn’t sure whether or not to believe me. I can imagine. I’d heard that sound I make before and it usually sounded like I was in horrible pain. No way I was going to tell him the true source of my distress though. He’d probably find a way to put even more distance between us.
I was never sure if he hadn’t caught me mooning over him the last time we’d been together. He’d stayed away for almost three years after that. If he knew how torrid my thoughts were these days concerning him, he’d probably lock me in a convent and throw away the key.
I could still feel his eyes on me like he was gauging the situation to see what if anything he needed to do. That’s the thing about my Creed I always knew he’d protect me no matter what, though I wasn’t sure he’d be in time this last time. I still hadn’t found a way to tell him and he’d shown up anyway. Like magic.
What would he do if he knew? That’s one of the things that bothered me most. On the one hand I reveled in my aunt getting what she deserved if I told him the truth about her treatment of me over the years, and on the other I dreaded his reaction and what it could mean.
I’d read more than just the news reports on him and his motorcycle crew, and some of them had claimed that he was all but tempting the law to lock him away and throw away the key. I didn’t want that at all. And as much as he’d taken her word over the years, I never doubted for a second that if he ever knew the truth he’d go after her.
His eyes were staring back at me in the dark and I held my breath in waiting. Will he roll over and go to sleep? Or will he dig? I didn’t have long to wonder when he sat up and turned on the light. I wasn’t sure I was ready for this. All I wanted was to be away from my home for good, never to return if I could help it. If he gave me that I would forgive him for every time he’d not listened to me.
I sighed as if tired and closed my eyes, feigning sleep. I remembered to slow my breathing like I did when asleep. My heart was about to give me away though because it was beating so fast and so hard I was pretty sure he could hear it from the other bed. I was tempted to open my eyes to see, but I could almost feel his stare.
He hit the light and I breathed that much easier again and felt my muscles relax and my heart calm a little. Better be more careful in the future don’t want to give him any reason at all to have any doubts about taking me home with him.
The thought made my tummy cramp and I was back to feeling lost and alone. I wanted so much to enjoy this time with him, this new experience. But the fear of what came next was almost too much.
What if I mess up really bad this time and he leaves for good this time? What if I do something that makes him think I wasn’t worth the trouble? That’s one of the things aunt Dee had always drilled into my head. How I should be careful, and not whine to him about every little thing.
At the time I believed her judgment that he’d wash his hands of me if I were to do that. He didn’t really owe me anything after all, and she was my blood. He could easily just forget the promise he’d made to a stupid nobody little kid like myself who he didn’t even know.
Could she be right? it was hard to tell because he’d always treated me like I mattered. But he’d been gone for so long this last time I wasn’t sure that there wasn’t some truth to what she’d said. So maybe yeah, maybe I have to be more careful. I was back to being scared again, the sweet feelings that the memories evoked gone again.
***
Creed
What the fuck noise was that she’d made in her sleep? Sounded like she was severely hurt. She said she was fine but I still kept my eyes on her. That’s how I knew that she’d conned me the first time, she’d never been asleep.
Now I’m a pro at this shit, I did it for a fucking living. It’s one of the ways you survive in the thick of shit. So why would a young girl without a care in the world need to learn how to regulate her breathing to fool anyone that she was out?
The answer had me jackknifing in the bed and hitting the light next to my bed. “Sit up, I know you’re not sleeping.” I hated that fucking wary look
she gave me like she was expecting me to hit her or some other foul shit. I studied her bent head for the longest while as I tried to put my thoughts in order.
This wasn’t the easiest fucking thing to discuss for me so I know it was shit for her. But if the fuckery was gonna be fucking with her all night so she can’t sleep, it was best I get the shit over with now. “I want to know about Sal, everything.” My gut twisted and I clenched my fists in preparation for what came next.
Oh yeah he’s fucked. The look that just came into my babygirl’s eyes, said it all. She started to tear up and look distressed, but there was no turning back. “Tell me.” For the first time in her life she shook her head no at me. I didn’t like it, didn’t know I’d have such a strong reaction to it either.
“What?” I tried keeping the sting out of the one word but I did a piss poor job of it. She almost jumped out of her skin but I wasn’t about to apologize. It was best she know now that that shit was a big fucking no-no. “I asked you a question, I expect an answer, don’t ever tell me no again.” Are you trying to help her or scare the fuck out of her asshole?
Funny, I’ve helped my fair share of young girls and some not so young in the years since I’d been stateside. Heard the word no in different variations more than once. I don’t recall ever having this kind of reaction to it. I literally wanted to force the issue, wanted to make her tell me what I wanted to know.
If she could draw that shit out of me for something as little as this, who knows what life was going to be like. I’d probably tan her ass for looking at me sideways. And why the fuck did that shit make my dick hard?
“But you’ll blame me and you’ll leave…” Her voice brought me back from the brink.
“What the fuck?” Is that what she thinks of me? That if she tells me what happened to her that I’d somehow blame her leave her?
Aren’t you the one who left her with them for the past two and a half years, what the fuck do you expect her to think? Fuck, now I’d sworn in front of her, something I never do.
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