by Shari Low
And she’d tell me to trust my instincts.
Into my mind popped the memory of our first date, of talking about how neither of us saw marriage in our future. Now, four weeks later, I knew, with absolute certainty that it was. Nothing had ever felt more right than this moment.
‘Yes,’ I answered in the same casual tone as his question. I didn’t even find it strange that I wasn’t feeling even a tiny twang of doubt.
‘Great,’ he told me, his grin making his eyes crease up at the corners. ‘I’m thinking next week. Are you free?’
‘Absolutely. But do we have to wait that long?’
9
2015
Colm and Dan Make The Pitch
‘How do you think it went?’ Dan asked, looking about as nervous as I’d seen him in the decade or so we’d worked together.
‘Grand. Honestly, mate, I think it’s ours.’
His shoulders went down a bit and he pulled his tie loose with one hand, then picked up the bottle of Bud I’d placed on the kitchen table in front of him with the other. ‘God, I hope so. It would really take the pressure off.’
I wasn’t arguing. The Bracal Tech contract would transform us from a young company that had to fight for every bit of business we got, to a secure organization with guaranteed work and income for the next few years. It would take the pressure off. Reduce the hours. Give us a bit of a life back.
‘Although…’ Dan continued, ‘would be fucking typical. Winning a big contract just as Lu buggers off with some other bloke. I’d be as well just buying them first-class holidays to Barbados.’
It was meant to be a joke, but he spat it out with real anger. I didn’t blame him. She’d delivered a mighty boot in his bollocks, and what made it even worse was that she didn’t seem to give a toss.
But hey, it was his business, not mine.
He needed something to go right, though, so it mattered even more that we got the contract that we needed to secure our future. The three hours we’d spent that afternoon in Bracal Tech had felt positive. We’d made the presentation, a comprehensive five-year training schedule that encompassed their entire workforce and every area of their business – inductions, standards, ongoing performance evaluation and targets.
If we didn’t get it we’d survive, but this was the difference between just getting by and really consolidating the company.
It had to come in. For all our sakes. Most of the time, I tried to shrug off stress but I was pretty sure that’s what the headaches were about. Shauna and I had been slogging it out for years, and I hated seeing her killing herself to help keep us solvent. And it wasn’t just her job. I didn’t kid myself that she was also the one doing the graft with Beth, taking care of the house, sorting everything else out so I could concentrate on work. I had no idea how she did it, but that was Shauna. Always on top of stuff. She could cope with bloody anything.
That didn’t stop the guilt on my part though.
Sometimes I wondered if it was worth it. I could go back to my old job, earn a decent salary, company car, expense account, just turn up and do the work. When we’d decided to go out on our own, it had seemed like a way to an even better life, though. We’d had great plans, huge ambitions and absolutely no idea that the financial crisis would deliver another kick in the proverbials. Would I do it again? Not sure. If it was just down to me, then absolutely. But watching the missus working her arse off to keep everything going while Dan and I built the company was definitely adding to the pressure. I definitely got lucky when I got Shauna. It almost made it worse that she didn’t complain much, just got on with it. Unlike Lulu.
‘What’s happening with you two?’ I asked Dan, bracing myself for the reply. Sometimes that question got a depressed shrug, sometimes a ‘no fucking idea’, other times it brought on a prolonged rant that felt like it was never going to end.
To be honest, I was hoping for one of the first two.
‘Who fucking knows, mate.’ That would do. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, but we’d been over it so many times and there was nothing new to add. If it were up to me, I’d move on and call it a day. Let’s face it, Lu was never going to change. Not my problem or decision to make though.
Behind me, I heard the door opening and Shauna came in carrying eight bags of shopping between two hands. I jumped over to take them from her. I lifted one lot up on to the worktop but as I lifted the other, I lost my grip and dropped them. Bugger. Had to be the one with the fruit didn’t it? Fecking satsumas everywhere.
‘Love it when you help out,’ Shauna said, but at least she was laughing. Sometimes it seemed like we didn’t do much of that any more. Definitely way less than we used to. Bracal Tech had to come in to give us some breathing space.
‘Okay, I’m off again,’ Shauna announced, pushing some dark blonde curls that had escaped from her ponytail back off her face. In her jeans and white shirt, she didn’t look that much older that she’d been when we first met. Still gorgeous. Still perfect. The only difference was a few lines around her eyes, and a tired slump of her shoulders. I felt responsible for both causing and changing that.
‘Where are you off to?’
‘Back to get Beth from after-school session.’
‘I’ll come with you,’ I offered. ‘We’re done for the day.’
She looked from me to Dan, then back to me. ‘Shit, sorry, I forgot,’ she said, weariness oozing out of her. ‘Bracal Tech today. How did it go?’
I nodded. ‘We’re thinking it went well. If they know what’s best for them, they’ll already have decided to bring on the two incredibly handsome blokes with the great line in chat.’
‘Aw, do you know any guys like that? Perhaps they’ll cut you into the deal,’ she replied, buying into in the joke.
Dan got up from his chair. ‘You two head off for Beth and I’ll go check emails in case they’ve already made up their minds and let us know.’
‘But they said they wouldn’t make a decision for a fortnight,’ I pointed out.
He sighed and raised his hands in a ‘what can you do’ motion. ‘It’s that or sit and mope over Lu. What would you prefer?’
‘Go check your emails,’ Shauna said, kissing him on the cheek as she passed him.
I followed them both out the back door and watched as Dan headed to the garage. What was supposed to be a short term solution was turning into a long term squat. Not that we minded. He was welcome to stay for as long as he wanted.
Shauna was about to get into the driver’s seat when I stopped her. ‘I’ll drive, m’darlin.’
‘Haven’t you had a few beers?’ she asked.
‘Just a couple of sips,’ I answered truthfully. ‘We’d just started on them when you came in and saved us. Another couple of hours and I’d have been singing songs, telling everyone I loved them and searching for a late-night kebab shop.’
‘Just a normal Friday night from 2001 then,’ she retorted, with a tired smile.
We’d just pulled out of the street when she got back to the event of the day. ‘So what do you really think? Will you get the contract?’
‘Ah, who fecking knows. I’ve got a good feeling about it though.’
‘You have a good feeling about everything.’ There was no bitterness, just observation. I did prefer not to worry about anything until I hit the worst-case scenario. Anything other than that was a waste of energy.
‘Let’s go out tonight,’ I told her. ‘Celebrate. We’ll take Beth down to that little Italian place she loves.
‘Babe, I have to be up really early in the morning. I’ve got a kid’s birthday party at 9 a.m. in Isleworth. I’ll need to prepare some of it tonight.’
‘It won’t be a late night. Come on, it’s time we took a bit of time for us. And when we get back, I’ll help you get organised for tomorrow.’
Her laughter was instant. ‘Last time you helped you put pink party bags in the kit bag. The party was for a boy called Simon. There were tears.’
‘Fair point.’
It would. It’s a bit of a weird thing to say about someone you live with, but I missed her. Missed spending time together when we weren’t distracted doing a dozen other things. One way or another, we had to sort that out.
‘Good. And as long as you supervise me, I’ll still help you with the prep… prepar… preparat…. Preparrrrrr. Shit, I can’t get the word out.’ That had happened a few times lately. Must be those pills from the doc.
‘Preperations,’ she said, her voice sounding a little odd. I didn’t have a chance to ask why, as we’d pulled up outside Beth’s school. I reversed into a free parking space in the street. Bugger. Totally misjudged it. I tried again. Still miles off. On the third time, Shauna asked if I was going to build a bridge to get to the pavement. Damn, must be more knackered than I thought.
I finally got it right on the fourth, and we jumped out and through the deserted playground. The normal school day was finished an hour ago, but Beth loved the after-school singing and drama sessions. She wanted to be on X Factor. God help us.
Halfway across the grey concrete, Shauna stopped suddenly. ‘Colm, are you okay?’
‘Yeah, why?’
‘Because you’re staggering a bit. Going from side to side.’
I had no idea what she was talking about. ‘No, I’m not.’
‘Babe, you are.’
More than what she was saying, it was her expression that took me by surprise. She looked genuinely worried. That wasn’t like her.
‘How have the headaches been this week?’
I shrugged. ‘Just had a couple of them. Definitely think the pills are making a difference. I’ll be right as rain in no time.’
In truth, I wasn’t sure if the pills were kicking in yet, but I wasn’t going to say anything that would up her stress any further.
She didn’t look or sound entirely convinced. ‘I think you need to go back to the doctor.’
‘Don’t be daft, I’m fine. I feel much better.’
‘Look, just humour me. I didn’t want to say anything, but after that thing with your peripheral vision I started to reading up on all the things that could cause this and – I’m not saying the doctor is wrong – but I just want you to double check that nothing else is going on here. You’re staggering Colm. And you keep stuttering over your words.’
‘The pills must be causing that.’
‘Probably,’ she agreed, not entirely convincingly. ‘But I want you to go back, and ask him to do a head scan.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous. Why would he do that?’
‘Just to… I don’t know… rule out any other reasons.’
I stopped, put my arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. ‘I don’t need a head scan. I promise, there’s nothing for you to worry about.’
‘Well, I am worrying.’
‘Well, I’m not,’ I countered. And I meant it. Like I said, I wasn’t the type to worry until we hit a worst-case scenario.
10
2001
Shauna and Colm Meet The Parents
The weather had held up, with a sun beaming down from clear blue skies, so we were off to a great start on a special day. I brushed down the skirt of my cream dress as I got out of the car, then felt Colm’s hand slip into mine and his mouth nuzzle my ear.
‘I can’t believe your parents stole our day. Damned inconsiderate.’
‘I know, they should be ashamed,’ I agreed, with mock sadness. ‘You ready for this? Remember, it’ll be… different.’
‘Of course. And stop looking at me like that. How bad can it be?’
Oh, he had no idea. I’d spent the entire journey from Twickenham to Wimbledon with a growing feeling of unease creeping through my nervous system. Or was it dread? Probably a combination of both.
I was fairly sure Colm’s family bore no resemblance to mine. He’d been a late baby and his father had passed away when he was a young boy, so he’d been brought up by his mum, who was now almost seventy. There was a fifteen-year age difference between him and his older brother Liam, so he’d explained that they’d never been particularly close. That said, he loved them dearly, called once a week to keep in touch, and truly cared about them.
My family dynamic was a very different splash in the gene pool.
As we started up the path to my parents’ house, I could already hear the loud chatter and the music coming from the house and garden. Their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary celebration, an event that had completely slipped my mind the week before when Colm had proposed in bed with only Ben & Jerry as witnesses. Actually proposed. And I’d said yes. How could that even happen four weeks after you’d met someone for the first time? More than that, how could I still have absolutely no doubts whatsoever that I was doing the right thing? None at all. This was it. The real deal. I was actually disappointed when it transpired we’d have to wait longer than a week so that we could sort out small technicalities like churches and family gatherings and I was totally and hopelessly in love with this man, yet – I realized as I noticed the smart black boots he was wearing with his navy suit – I didn’t even know his shoe size.
However, there was no doubt this was going to be our biggest test so far. Meeting Davie and Joe had been a walk in the park – two gorgeous little guys who hadn’t batted an eyelid at the introduction of daddy’s new friend. Even his ex-wife Jess, in the brief exchange when we’d collected the boys, had been friendly and didn’t seem at all phased by my addition to the equation. It had been a lovely day and so incredibly easy and relaxed. I was fairly sure those words wouldn’t be used to describe today.
‘Remember, they’re different.’ I warned again.
‘Ah, come on – how bad can it be?’ he chuckled.
The door swung open and my mother greeted us with a gregarious, ‘Darling! And you must be Calum.’
‘It’s Colm,’ I told her, trying to sound breezy. Colm. Just as I’d told her on the phone that morning. And last weekend. And the week before that. If I kept plugging away she might eventually pay attention, but I doubted it. ‘Hi mum,’ I greeted her, with a kiss on each cheek, before stepping aside and letting Colm shake her hand. I could see he was surprised. Everyone always was.
At fifty, my mum, the delectable Debbie, was twenty-six years older than me but looked like she was in her early forties, maybe even late thirties, with her blonde glossy bob, and her wide, perfect smile. Courtesy of the fact that she rarely consumed anything more filling than a salmon fillet, she also had a size eight figure that allowed her to shop in Topshop, or whatever trendy store took her fancy. However, she never went too young, keeping it classy and more or less age-appropriate. Today she was in a bright red, Roland Mouret-style dress that clung to every curve and finished mid-calf, above nude strappy sandals. She looked magnificent.
‘You look gorgeous, mum.’
‘Thank you, darling,’ she replied, in a breezy tone that implied I was telling her something she already knew. Of course she did. If there was one thing my mother didn’t lack is was self-assurance. ‘You look lovely too, dear, even with a bit of extra weight on you.’
There it was. Barb number one and I wasn’t even in the door yet. Colm’s eyes widened, but I brushed right over it. If he was going to be part of this family, he was going to have to learn that the main requirements were thick skin and low expectations.
I braced myself and carried on down the hallway and into the kitchen, looking for the one ray of sunshine that would make the day so much more bearable. She was right there, sitting at the big old oak table that had been there my whole life.
‘Gran, how’re you doing?’ I asked, reaching down to hug her.
‘Aye, I’m great, love. Has your mother insulted you yet?’
‘Before I even got in the door.’
The two of us disintegrated into helpless giggles. My dad’s mum was fierce, Scott
ish, straight to the point, and took no prisoners and had a heart that was way, way, bigger than her tiny frame. She’d met my granddad, Ernie, on a weekend trip to London and never went home – something she’d always explained by shrugging and muttering, ‘It was the sixties, petal.’ He must have been some man to catch her. He’d been an accountant, a profession that somehow didn’t fit with Annie’s wild ways and daredevil personality. Perhaps it was a case of opposites attracting. He’d died just before I was born, so I’d never met him, but Annie still kept his photo by the side of her bed.
I loved her beyond words. She was the first call and only call I’d made after Colm proposed. We’d told Lulu, Rosie and Dan later that night. Rosie thought it was the most romantic thing she’d ever heard, Dan was astonished and Lulu was horrified and offered to pay for my therapy as an engagement gift.
‘Gran, this is Colm. Colm, this is Annie,’ I made the introductions.
‘Pleased to meet you, son,’ she said, and I could see Colm instinctively relax as he picked up the warmth in her voice. Like a spy in some Cold War movie, she furtively looked around to check no one was within earshot.
‘Congratulations. It’s a bit soon, mind, but this one’s a smart cookie, so you must be all right.’
Colm’s face was a glorious mixture of amusement and worry over what to say next. His panic was averted by the arrival of Lulu and Rosie. I’d completely forgotten they’d be there, but of course they’d been invited. Lulu’s parents and mine had been friends – more than friends, but that was another story altogether – since we were children, and since Rosie and I had met in college, she’d been a regular visitor to events that required celebration. In my mother’s world, that meant just about any occasion. No occurrence was too small to throw together a soiree for thirty, at which she’d be the glamorous centre of attention. My dad was friendly enough, charismatic even, but he had zero paternal instincts whatsoever. There was no attachment. No thought given to any aspect of my life. I simply didn’t enter his orbit unless I was standing in front of him, in which case he treated me like a casual but fairly welcome friend. I’d tried to explain all this to Colm without sounding like I was complaining or in any way bitter. I genuinely wasn’t. It was the way it had always been and I hadn’t even known any different until I was old enough to hang out at friends’ houses, with parents who were more concerned with their children than themselves. Even way back then, I’d accepted that mine weren’t that way inclined and I was never going to change them, so there was no point trying. Besides, if nothing else, they threw a great party.