by Shari Low
‘Of course.’
‘We don’t need to think about it,’ Shauna said, voice cracking, as she spoke. ‘Colm, if you don’t have surgery, there’s a considerable probability you will die. If you have surgery, there’s a very good possibility that you won’t. Am I understanding that correctly?’ She was looking searchingly at the doctors now.
They were both nodding, but it was Mr Clyde who said, ‘You are.’
‘Then you have to do it, Colm.’
I knew she was right. It wasn’t really a choice, because there was only one viable option. But still… his description of the surgery was replaying in my head. Cut scalp. Remove skull. Take out part of my brain. Screw skull back together. I was now crashing to earth on that roller coaster and fairly sure I was going to vomit. I swallowed hard. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t. Sod it. I just wanted to get up and walk out of there, rewind the last hour and go back to normal life, forget this ever happened. What was the worst that could happen?
I would die.
And soon.
So there wasn’t really a choice here.
Shauna was right. If I wanted to stay alive I had to do this. I was all out of options.
‘I don’t really need to think about it, do I? Go ahead and book me in.’
He nodded and Shauna clutched my hand even tighter. Out of the blue, I had a flashback to our wedding day, to the ceremony, when she’d stood next to me, so incredibly beautiful and I’d felt like the luckiest guy alive when she’d said, ‘Till death do us part.’
Suddenly, that didn’t make me feel quite so lucky any more.
16
2002
Four Go To Bali
Lying on my front on the sunlounger, I could feel the sun beating down on my back, turning the little gold charms on the shoestring of my bikini red hot. Probably not the best choice of swimwear, but Lulu had persuaded me that it looked great, and since it was that, or the Speedo costume I wore to take the kids swimming on the weekends, I brought the bikini.
I felt Colm’s hand move across my back, carrying a scent of coconut until it crept under my bikini bottoms and stopped.
I flipped my head up and turned to face him. ‘Did you just put suntan lotion on my back as an excuse to grope my arse?’
‘Indeed I did,’ he murmured, leaving his hand where it was.
His deadpan reply sent me into fits of giggles. Today was day three in the closest place to paradise I’d ever experienced. Bali had been Lulu’s idea, or was it Dan’s, and we’d gone for the Sheraton resort on the recommendation of the travel agent, who’d come here on her honeymoon. It was the perfect choice. The rooms were decorated in cool creams with traditional Balinese dark wood furnishings, the bars served up an endless stream of delicious cocktails and the hotel was right on the beach, so when it got too hot we could head into the sea for some kite-surfing or water-skiing to cool off.
That’s where Lulu and Dan were now, about 100 yards out on a pedalo. Probably the best place for them. They’d been bickering since we’d arrived – at least when they were out there they’d be forced to talk to each other and neither of them could stomp off in a huff. I understood that some people – including Dan and Lulu – thrived on a tempestuous relationship, but to me it just seemed like too much hard work.
But then, it wasn’t any worse than the life poor Rosie was having. I could see her sitting in the outdoor bar with a Jackie Collins novel and a large glass of something red, with a pineapple sticking out of the top. Ten more blissful minutes lying here next to Colm, then I’d go keep her company for a while.
Two little kids walked by and I had a sudden pang. ‘Missing the boys?’ I asked.
‘Absolutely,’ Colm fired back. ‘However, if they were here, I would be playing footie, building sandcastles, and I wouldn’t be able to lie with my hand on your arse, so that’s keeping me going.’
I pushed up on to one side, dislodging his hand and earning a mutter of objection. I consoled him by leaning over to his sunlounger and kissing him. He tasted of a holiday blend of salt and cold beer, which was strangely sexy. As was the fact that he was lying there in black swim shorts, he’d been working out, and in the harsh glare of the sun you couldn’t quite see that he was covered in factor seventy because he’d burnt his chest, nose, and forehead the day before. That pale, Irish, Celtic skin was not made for the midday sun.
Maybe it was the cute kids playing in the sea, or the realization that I was missing the boys too, but without much thought, I announced, ‘I think we should have a baby.’
At the sound of Colm choking on his beer, the lifeguard spun around, obviously fearing that someone was in trouble in the pool. He looked relieved when he saw that no one was drowning, nor did anyone require the administration of the Heimlich manoeuvre.
‘Could you give me a bit of warning before you spring life-changing announcements on me please?’ he spluttered, as if I’d just announced something shocking and not entirely welcome.
I was genuinely surprised and a bit puzzled by his reaction, although I wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t that we’d discussed the subject in depth. There had been a vague ‘I’d like kids one day’ and a ‘yeah, that would be great’ conversation before we got married, but in the three months since we walked up the aisle it had never come up.
Despite the temperature, I felt goosebumps pop up on my arms. Surely he wanted children? And how could I not be entirely confident of the answer to that question? I was the worst married woman ever. How could I not know such vital, major information about my husband’s hopes, plans and opinions? I should really check which political party he voted for too.
But the kids subject came first. Surely I’d misunderstood his reaction?
‘Colm, do you want more children?’
I was expecting a ‘yes, absolutely’. Perhaps even a ‘can’t wait!’ Instead, I got a shrug, and a weak, ‘Eh, hadn’t really given it much thought.’
I spun my legs around so I was sitting on the edge of my lounger, facing him, in full combat position. This was unbelievable. We weren’t so much on different pages as in different books.
‘But we talked about it before and you said you did.’
‘When?’
‘Before we were married. We were talking in bed one morning and…’
‘Ah, were you naked? he said, grinning. ‘I’m not responsible for anything I agree to when you’re naked.’
He thought this was funny. For once, I didn’t.
‘Colm, please don’t joke about this. I really do want kids. I had no idea you didn’t.’
My tone must have penetrated his jocular attitude, because he seemed to finally spot that I was serious.
‘Look, it’s not that I don’t want kids. But it’s just… well, we’ve got the boys.’
‘But they’re your children.’ He blanched at that, but I wasn’t for backing down. ‘Come on, Colm. I love them to bits, but having them doesn’t mean I never want to have children of my own. If anything, seeing how brilliant they are just makes me want to add to the family.’
Colm thought about that for a moment, then shrugged. ‘Okay. I understand what you’re saying and if it’s important to you, then we’ll do it.’
‘Now I feel like you’re just agreeing to appease me.’
I was getting irritated, and his expression told me he was matching the sentiment.
‘It’s not that I’m appeasing you, I guess that it’s just not that important to me. If you want to have children, then we will, but if you don’t I’d be cool with that too.’
Why did that annoy me? He was ultimately saying that he would be on board with my wishes, yet his non-committal attitude was putting my hackles up. Did he take nothing seriously? Since we met it had felt like one big long party of discovery and love, but now, for the first time, I wasn’t liking what I was discovering.
The sunshine had faded for me, despite the fact that it was probably the hottest point of the day.
‘I’m going to go chat to
Rosie for a while.’
I didn’t even give him a chance to argue, just stood up, grabbed my drink and walked off, ignoring the fact that the hot sands were scalding the bottom of my feet. I should really go back for my flip-flops but I was too busy being petulant. I never claimed to be calm and reasonable 100% of the time.
Rosie looked up from her book and smiled when she saw me stomping towards her. She started speaking before I even sat down. ‘You don’t look happy. I thought it was supposed to be me who’s miserable on this trip.’
‘Sorry, honey, I’m climbing into that pit of misery with you. Did you know that Colm didn’t want kids?’
The laughter came first. ‘Erm, no – but then I think that since he’s your husband, attaining that kind of information might be your responsibility, not mine.’
‘Fair point,’ I acknowledged. ‘Just wish I’d thought of it before now. Anyway, sorry, enough about me. How are you doing?’
‘I just hope they’ve got a good library here, because I’m just about finished this and it’s only day three.’
‘At least your book matches your kaftan,’ I said, gesturing to the fact that the novel’s leopard-print cover was almost identical to the chiffon of her top. ‘That’s a mean skill for accessorizing right there.’
That at least made her smile. I tried to do better.
‘You know you can come lie with us. Or we can go do stuff.’
‘I know, but to be honest I’m probably crap company just now. I’m feeling the need to mope a little. I realize that makes me pathetic.’
‘Not pathetic – just hurt. Have you heard from him?’
She shook her head. ‘I’ve kept my mobile phone switched off and in the safe. Don’t trust myself not to call him.’
My annoyance at Colm immediately transferred onto Paul, Rosie’s boyfriend, who’d just finished his zoology degree and announced he was moving north, to work in Chester zoo, and leaving her behind. Urgh, I was furious. Not only was he walking out on her with no warning, after she’d more or less supported him since they met, but he’d told her the day before they were supposed to travel here with us. ‘I mean, how bad must it be when he can’t even wait until after a five-star holiday to dump me,’ she’d wailed at the airport. ‘Was he just using me all along for somewhere to live while he was at uni?’
‘Tell you what, why don’t we go to the spa and get a couple of treatments and discuss how men are thoughtless bastards?’ I suggested. I didn’t mean it – actually, after my discussion with Colm, perhaps right now I did - but I thought a bit of sisterhood solidarity might cheer her up. She finished her cocktail in one sweeping motion. ‘Oh, I think I can manage that. I have plenty of material.’
The beautiful girl in the spa showed us through to a massage room where two equally stunning women gave us massages that sent us both to sleep. When they were finished, I had to crawl off the bed, before heading to the nail section of the spa for a mani-pedi.
‘Thought I’d find you in here!’ Lulu’s voice was very slightly slurred. Obviously a few lunchtime cocktails had been consumed.
‘Hi!’ I greeted her. ‘Sorry, we’d have told you we were coming but you were out on the pedalo. I knew you’d track us down. Is everything okay?’
She flopped down on a free seat at the other side of Rosie, her sexy black strappy swimsuit barely covered by a sheer kaftan that clung to her every curve. Her long red curls were pulled up in a high ponytail and she had oversized Gucci glasses on her head. It didn’t matter where she went or what she did, Lulu always looked sensational.
‘Dan’s driving me crazy,’ she said. ‘We just seem to fight constantly.’
‘Nooo, really? I hadn’t noticed,’ I said, my face a picture of innocence.
That made her laugh. ‘Oh, okay, Mrs Perfect. Just because you and Colm agree on everything,’ she teased.
‘We just had out first fight,’ I countered, watching as her eyes widened. ‘Did you know he didn’t want kids?’
‘No.’
‘Me either. I’ll have the sugar baby pink, please,’ I said to the manicurist who was holding up a pale pink and a deep plum for me to choose from. What must these ladies think about these conversations? They must hear everything coming from these chairs.
‘Wow. How do you feel about that?’
‘I’m not thrilled. He says he’ll have them if I want them, but somehow that makes me feel worse.’
‘I get that. And what about you, Rosie? Are you sure you don’t want me to round up a posse and go have a word with Paul?’ This time it was Rosie who was smiling and it even looked genuine.
‘Thanks, you’re a pal, but no. I’m moving on. I’m giving myself the rest of this holiday to feel sorry for myself then I’m going to go home and forget about him. I’m only twenty-four. There’s plenty of other guys out there, and there must be one who won’t be a dick to me.’
‘Absolutely,’ I reassured her. It was so ironic that we’d all been friends forever, and it had always been Rosie who’d dreamt of marrying young and having a huge family, and yet somehow Lulu and I, the two more independent free spirits, were the ones who had settled first. Or at least, I had. I still had doubts about Lulu.
‘Is Dan still alive or did you drown him at sea?’
‘Alive. But I was tempted. He just can’t get over his suspicions that I’ve been seeing someone behind his back.’
Both Rosie and I had the same head-swivelling reaction to that one.
The thing was, she had been seeing someone. And not for the first time. It was a regular occurrence. Whether it was a quick snog with an Australian barman or an occasional quickie with the guy who serviced her car. The problem wasn’t that she’d had a fling, it was that Dan had caught her.
This time around Tim was – oh, the cliché – her tennis coach. They’d been having extra sessions for the last couple of months, doing the kind of workout normally seen on TV channels that require a pin number.
‘Don’t look at me like that. You know the thing with Tim means nothing. It’s just a… distraction.’
‘It’s the kind of distraction that is going to break Dan’s heart though,’ I told her, trying to get through, but fearing I was wasting my breath.
‘I know. I know. God, what’s wrong with me? Why do I always do this? I’m a fucking train wreck.’
The questions were purely rhetorical. Lulu was a smart cookie and a million conversations over the years had left her in no doubt why she did this. She just needed the constant validation and the relentless thrill of those first stages of a relationship. Or, more correctly, first stages of an affair. Some would say she was living life to the full. Others would say there was something inside her that was broken, snapped by a messed up family that viewed shagging as a communal hobby. I thought the truth was somewhere in the middle, but no matter how much she infuriated me, I loved her – in all her flawed, funny, traitorous glory.
‘It’s got to stop, Lu,’ I said, gently. ‘For your own sake and for Dan’s, it has to stop. You need an honest relationship and you can’t keep doing this to him. He’s a good guy and the only reason he’s stuck around is because he loves you.’
‘And he’s never found any conclusive proof,’ Rosie added.
‘Eh, okay, Miss Marple, thanks for your input,’ Lulu barbed. Her eyes closed and her whole body deflated as she exhaled. ‘But I know you’re both right. Dan deserves better than this. I either need to call it a day with him or stop seeing other people. The lies will stop. I promise.’
I highly doubted it. It was like hearing an alcoholic swearing off vodka. Or a crack addict going cold turkey. I had a horrible feeling that in ten years time she’d still be trying to break the habit.
It was late afternoon by the time I got back to the room, to find Colm already there, lying flat on the bed watching some thriller movie on TV. I wasn’t sure of the title, but Bruce Willis was involved.
‘Hey,’ he said.
‘Hey,’ I replied, demonstrating a distinct lac
k of originality.
I decided to just go lie in the bath, stay out of his way, make the point that I was still pissed off and wasn’t ready to discuss it any further – but then I decided that I was rubbish at sulking, so it was better just to clear the air.
‘Colm, I’m sorry about earlier, but you just took me by surprise. I didn’t realize that was how you felt.’
He muted Bruce Willis.
‘Me either. S’pose I hadn’t really thought about it. Come here.’ He opened his arms and I climbed on the bed beside him, my sticky, post-massage skin hot against his cool, air-conditioned body. ‘I’m sorry too, m’love. I didn’t mean to piss you off, and I meant what I said – if it’s important to you, then we’ll have ten kids.’
I laughed. ‘I was thinking more along the lines of two.’
‘Two it is then. In fact…’ His hand pulled the string of my bikini top and it disintegrated immediately. ‘We could start now if you’re not too busy.’
‘Actually, I was thinking we’d wait a couple of years and then start trying.’
‘Good plan. I’ll just check I’ve got the basics of what we’re supposed to do.’
His mouth closed on mine and I melted into him, every shred of tension and irritation being smoothed away by his touch. Fight over. Normal service resumed. Love wins.
We were almost late for dinner, an alfresco feast at a restaurant a little further along the sands. When we arrived, Lulu, Dan and Rosie were already there.
‘Hi! We thought you’d had a better offer,’ Lulu slurred, refilling her wine glass as she spoke. Oh dear. I had a horrible feeling there’d only be one relationship left in the group by the end of the night. Looking at Dan, I wondered if he thought the same. His jaw was set in irritation, his eyes jumpy. This wasn’t the best start to a relaxing and enjoyable of evenings.
The waiters took our orders, supplied more drinks and retreated off, leaving us almost alone on the edge of the sands, just the sound of breaking waves for company. It should be beautiful. Romantic. Blissful. But the atmosphere between Lulu and Dan was twisting the ambience, and as I met Rosie’s eyes, I saw we were both thinking the same thing – awkward. How many nights had we spent like this, with a fight or tension between Lulu and Dan casting a cloak of anxiety over everyone? I adored them both, but this couldn’t go on. Some people just weren’t meant to be together and they really needed to put an end to this, no matter how sad that would be.