by Audrey Dacey
Caitlyn tiptoed to the front window and moved her curtains in such a way that she could see the two in the porch light from her chair but so that it did not look like she was spying on them. She watched as they faced one another, and Margaret made a quick statement. Michael's face went blank and he became white, and within a few moments it fell into melancholy. He lowered himself down onto the edge of the porch. Margaret sat down beside him and put her arm around him. He shook it off and covered his face with his hands. Caitlyn could see that Margaret was whispering something into his ear. She wanted to run out there and demand to know what was going on, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.
When they were still out on her porch five minutes later, Caitlyn called Alexis.
“What the hell? It's four in the morning,” Alexis grumpily answered.
“I know, but I need you to calm me down.” She told her everything that she had witnessed. “What do you think?” Caitlyn questioned nervously.
Alexis remained silent on the other end of the line. For whatever reason, since Michael had come along Alexis was no longer willing to share her opinions as freely as she once did. It was really starting to wear on Caitlyn.
“Alexis!” Caitlyn shouted. “I really need you here. What do you think is going on?” She demanded answers right now, and if she couldn't get them from Michael, she wanted someone to make some up.
“Umm…” Alexis was searching in the back of her mind for possibilities. “Maybe someone died. A friend of theirs that they were very close to.”
“Why wouldn't she just call him?”
“It was probably someone really important to him, and he probably wasn't answering her phone calls.”
“His phone is dead,” Caitlyn said optimistically.
“That's it then. Someone died.” Alexis proclaimed confidently.
“I've never been so glad that someone was probably dead,” Caitlyn admitted. She wished she had not said it, but she could not help herself. If she had to say it to anyone, at least it was Alexis.
“What are they doing?”
“Still sitting on the porch. She’s crying, and he has his arm around her.”
“Do you want me to come over and interrupt them?”
“No, it's the middle of the night. I think that they would figure out that you weren't just dropping in for a casual visit. Oh, wait… He's standing up. I think that he's coming back in. I'll talk to you later.”
“Call if you need anything.”
“Alright.” She rushed to put her phone away before Michael re-entered.
Michael stood on the porch looking forlorn as Margaret disappeared into the darkness. He waited for a moment before turning back to the door.
“I need to talk to you, but then I have to go.” He pushed into the small living room.
“What? Why? What's going on? Are you okay?”
The sadness that was on his face before had disappeared. His feet were heavy against the wood floors; it felt almost as though he were stomping as he walked, like a small child throwing a tantrum, only his face was stoic. “Sit down,” he stated imperatively. She obeyed. Distress washed over her.
Alexis had been wrong. No one had died. He remained standing and looking down at her. “Something happened. I'm not really sure how, but it did and it changes everything. While I was in California, Margaret kept stopping by the house, and I kept telling her it was over and that she need to move on. I didn't know…” He paused to choke back whatever was arising in him and after a moment continued. “I didn't know that she was pregnant. She was trying to tell me, but I ignored her and dismissed her. Caitlyn, I'm sorry.”
Caitlyn was dumbfounded. After a moment, she managed to spit out, “What does this mean?” She looked at his face and knew in essence what it meant, but she needed to hear it from him. She would not accept it unless he told her.
He looked at her, his stoicism worn down, and his eyes began to show his pain. “She has decided that moving here with me would be the best for the baby. She's going to call the movers and have her things packed up immediately.” He paused and shook his head. “I have to try to make it work with her. She is going to be the mother of my child.” Michael found it difficult to look at her, but he did anyway. It was torture for both of them.
Caitlyn blinked back the tears in her eyes. She was finding it difficult to breathe; it felt as though someone was pushing down on her shoulders and chest. She stood up and walked over to the fireplace.
“Please leave,” she said through tears.
“Caitlyn, I need you. You are the reason I moved here, and I still need your friendship, despite what has happened. I need it even more because this happened.” He was almost begging, but she wasn't paying attention. She just sat there looking at the ash, concealing the streams running down her face.
“Friendship? Ten minutes ago you were sleeping naked in my bed. How can I be your friend? For God's sake, you've seen me naked; you've seen me orgasm. Do you really think that we just go back to being friends after that?”
Michael wanted to console her, bring her into his arms and hold her one more time, but the emotional wall between them was palpable. He couldn't find the words to properly express his frustration, so he said, “It doesn't change how I feel about you.” She did not react to his comment. After a few moments, he went into the bedroom. When he came back out, he left without saying anything more.
She stood silently in front of the fireplace until he stepped onto her front porch, and as the door clicked closed behind him, she fell to the floor sobbing fiercely. She slammed her fists against the floor, and cursed herself for being a fool. In one moment they had made plans, and in the next he had annihilated all of the hope she had for their future and everything she was depending on. Deep down she knew that it couldn't have worked, ever, and now she was hurt because she believed in a stupid dream. She crawled to her bed and lifted herself into it. She picked up the phone, “I need you.”
Alexis arrived within forty-five seconds; it was the fastest that she had ever gotten there, and she was not shy about running through the neighborhood in her nightgown. Caitlyn heard her burst into the house, pause and then head back to the bedroom. Caitlyn was lying in a puddle of her tears. “What happened?” she demanded. “Wait. I'm not sure you should tell me. I might have to kill him if you do.”
All Caitlyn was able to muster was “He's gone.”
Alexis sat on the bed next to her and held her close whispering condolences in her ear. They rocked back and forth to the rhythm of her sobs. Eventually, the crying had completely worn Caitlyn out, and she fell asleep in a pile in Alexis's arms.
#
Michael sat in a diner 30 minutes outside of Maple Field. He drove for a while to get his head on straight again. It had been spinning since Margaret's first knock on Caitlyn's front door. When he saw the dimly lit sign for the 24-hour chain restaurant, he pulled off the road so that he could try and figure out how it was possible his life had completely changed directions again.
He stared at the motel key card that Margaret had given him. He wanted to chuck it across the room, throw it in a fryer, or snap it in half, but he couldn't. It was his future.
He couldn't believe it when Margaret showed up at Caitlyn's in the middle of the night. She must have gotten the address from the hospital or one of his friends or his parents. Still, she had the opportunity to tell him while he was in Sacramento. She could have shown up at his old house in the middle of the night instead of involving Caitlyn.
Of course, it would have involved Caitlyn anyway. He felt like a coward. He couldn't stay there and watch her heart break. He couldn't comfort her. He just left. He hadn't even planned to stay if she wanted him to. He hated the way that he had left her, but he couldn't justify staying the rest of the night only to leave her for Margaret in the morning.
A waitress came by and warmed up his coffee, and he thanked her with a half-hearted smile.
“Are you sure I can't get you something to eat?”
“No, just the coffee.” He couldn’t eat anything even if he wanted to. Ever since he saw Caitlyn's face fall into sadness and anger he had a lump in his throat. Only coffee could be tolerated, and the coffee weighed heavily in his stomach.
This was the only way Margaret could have convinced him to come back to her. He thought he’d loved her, but after being with Caitlyn, he knew that he just loved things about her. That she was great with kids, that she could sign, that she got along with his family. But that wasn’t love. She didn’t consume him. Not like Caitlyn had.
It was comfortable and amicable, but it wasn’t love.
He didn't know how or when he had fallen in love with Caitlyn. It wasn't something that hit him, but something that he just knew once it was important. It wasn't just comfortable like it had been with Margaret. It was exciting; it was worth changing his life for.
He knew that he had moved quickly with her, but once he had opened up to her that night at De Luca's, the next step was obvious. It hadn't been apparent until that point. It hadn't even been considered until he knew he had to kiss her. Once he did it, he wondered why he hadn't tried it before.
Caitlyn tasted sweet. She had the perfume of the coffee shop, and it made him want to nip at her neck. She was the sweetest girl that he ever put his mouth on.
There was only one other person that he loved so much it was worth changing his life for like he did for Caitlyn, and that was his child.
Margaret said that the pregnancy was why she left in the first place. She couldn't handle the news, so she just left without telling him what was going on. She knew that a baby needed a mom and a dad, and that she wanted him involved. No matter what it took.
He wanted to be a dad. Just not like this. Not with her. Not anymore. But he had to do the right thing. She wanted him to move back to Sacramento so they could continue their lives as though nothing had happened, but he refused. Something He had already terminated the lease on his house and made an offer on a house out here. His stuff was probably already in Nebraska, and though it was selfish, he didn't want to leave Caitlyn.
Michael took a long, slow slip from the brown and white earthenware mug. The liquid burned the back of his throat, and he was happy to feel something outside of his piercing thoughts.
He saw the sadness and the little bit of anger in her eyes when he refused to jump back on a plane with her. Then he offered her a room in the house he would soon own.
“Fine. I'll stay here.” She sighed. “But you have to try and make this work. I need you to help me as a partner.” Margaret was right, and really if she pushed a little harder he would have moved back to Sacramento. He was just being obstinate when he said he wouldn’t go back, but he couldn’t be away from his child. Not that far away.
Suddenly, they were a couple again. Margaret handed him her motel key and told him that if he needed a place to stay, he could stay with her. It was the best offer he had because he knew that staying with Caitlyn was no longer an option. He could get his own room, but he had to try to learn to love Margaret.
Maybe if he was reminded of all the little things that he loved about her, he could do it someday. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so unbearable to be away from the woman who he actually loved.
Michael stood up and threw a twenty on the table. He needed some good karma. He glanced at the key and hesitantly picked it up and put it in his pocket.
He walked out of the diner thinking about Caitlyn. How could he make this up to her? He wanted to talk to her, hold her in his arms, and kiss her. He wanted to tell her that everything was going to be alright. But it wasn't alright, and he didn't know how to fix it. He couldn't fix it.
He had to explain that he didn't have a choice. That there was a child to think about, that he had a responsibility. He knew that Caitlyn knew all this, but he wanted to make sure that she knew. He loved her. He wanted her. And his heart was crushed too.
Michael sat in the car and started it up. He was sick of rentals. He just wanted his car. He pulled out of the parking lot and onto a dead street. The low voice of a newscaster hummed from the speakers. He could have announced the start of another world war, and Michael wouldn't have heard him.
For a moment he just concentrated on the road ahead. He looked at the clock. Ten after five. She would be getting ready to go to work. He couldn't go over there now. He didn't want to upset her too much before she left, and he didn't want to make her late. She hated to be late.
Instead of taking the road that wound back to her house he continued straight ahead. He was going to have to learn to live with Margaret again.
He pulled in the parking lot of the motel where he had stayed when he first moved to town. He figured he would get a couple hours of sleep and then go to Caitlyn's café later in the morning when she had some time to calm down.
Michael needed to make sure that she was going to be okay and to ensure her that he wasn't going anywhere. That he still wanted her in his life. He knew it was dangerous. Being in love with her and living with Margaret, but she could keep him sane.
He walked up to room twelve. The curtains were closed, and it looked dark inside. He slid the key into the reader. The door clicked and a green light was illuminated. He slowly turned the handle and pushed the door open.
The light from the parking lot shone in, and he saw Margaret sleeping in the bed in one of his old dress shirts. He had left it in her apartment, and she took it over as her own. He told her once that he thought it was sexy when she wore his shirts, and from that day on she wore them as a nightgown. The covers were pushed to one side. She moved slightly as a cool breeze from the door ran across her bare legs.
She had left room on the right side of the bed for him. He couldn't bring himself to lie beside her. He closed the door behind him with the same delicacy that he used to open it and stealthily moved to a small wooden chair with big arms and little cushioning. He sat down and stretched his legs into the middle of the floor. He leaned his head against the hard wood and tried to fall asleep.
#
Michael showed up at Fine and Mellow mid-morning to check on Caitlyn. Margaret had insisted on coming with him. She wanted to apologize to Caitlyn for coming to her house in the middle of the night to tell Michael that she was pregnant. He tried to convince her to stay at the motel and that Caitlyn probably didn’t want her apology at this point, but she sat in the passenger seat of the rental car and pressed Michael further. He agreed to take her along under one condition: she had to stay in the car until he told her it was okay to come in, if that was possible.
He was nervous about seeing Caitlyn, but when he saw that the little wooden building was dark and found that the door was locked, he raced back to the car and sped the mile to Caitlyn's cottage. Her car was parked off to the side in the same place as it was the night before. Michael commanded his passenger to wait in the car. He jumped out, leaving it running with Margaret inside. He pounded on the door, and the sound echoed through the tall trees. There was no movement in the house. He pounded again. The house remained silent.
He tried the handle and rushed through the door when it gave in to his turn easily. Cold air flooded the very warm room. He looked around; the house appeared as it had the night before, only instead of Caitlyn sitting on the couch, Alexis was there. He ran toward the bedroom and Alexis stood up.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
He stopped and turned, “I want to see her.”
“She’s not seeing douche bags right now. In fact, thanks to you, she’s filled her douche bag quota for the year. So get the hell out and don’t come back.”
Michael turned and walked to the bedroom door. “I’m going to make sure she’s alright, and then I will leave.”
Alexis began, again, but he ignored her and opened the door quietly. When he peeked into the room, he saw a bundle under the thick quilt.
He walked slowly toward the bed, “Caitlyn.” He paused, but the bundle had no reaction. Lightly he continued, �
��Are you okay?” He slowly pulled back the covers and revealed a sleeping Caitlyn. He reached down to check her pulse, but her chest rose slowly and then fell again showing some sign of life.
Alexis appeared in the doorway. “You need to leave. She will freak out if she finds you here. You broke her heart. Now you need to leave her alone.”
He covered her and sat on the bed, his shoulders slumped over and his head down.
“Hello?” Margaret's rose on her toes to look over Alexis’s shoulder and into the room. Alexis narrowed her eyes and looked as though she might attack Margaret.
Michael stood up and placed himself in front of the unsuspecting Margaret. “You shouldn’t be in here.”
“I know, but I feel bad. I want to make sure that she is alright.”
“No. She’s not alright,” Alexis said as she moved closer to Margaret, her hands clenched into little fists. “And Michael’s right. You need to get the hell out of here. I will tase you both for trespassing on private property.”
A groan came from the pile of blankets.
“Go away.”
Michael began shuffling Margaret out the door, but Caitlyn turned and looked at the pair who had broken into her house.
“Are you kidding me?” she asked upon seeing Margaret. “Get the hell out.” This was her final remark before she grabbed the edge of the quilt and pulled it over her head as she plopped down facing the opposite direction.
“Caitlyn, I just…” Michael shook his head at Margaret to get her to stop talking.
“Not right now.”
“But I feel really bad.”
“How do you think she feels?” asked Alexis. Michael’s heart twisted. He had a pretty good idea of how she felt.
“We should go. We'll see her later, when Caitlyn isn't sleepy. She gets irritable when she is sleepy,” Michael said as he closed the bedroom door and escorted Margaret to the front of the house.