Her mother left her sitting there with the task and went about once again preparing lunch.
“I think I will go in the sitting room on a soft chair and I will take my vitamins in there. Johnny, can you sit with me?”
“Sure if it’s okay with your Mama.”
Mama smiled. “Of course it is, Johnny but you make sure she takes her vitamins for me will you?”
“No problem.”
Desire got up and Johnny led her into the living room, holding her arm. They each sat in a cushioned chair out of view of the doorway. As Desire sat down, she handed Johnny her ‘vitamins’. He slipped them deep in his denim side pocket and he motioned for her to drink up her water. Just then, Mama went in to check on her and she faked popping a pill in her mouth and swallowed some water. Mama nodded at her and went back into the kitchen.
They sat in silence for a moment and she closed her eyes. Her head did hurt quite a bit, but she was trying not to let it show. With her eyes closed she imagined herself curled up on Johnny’s lap with her head resting on his chest. He would hug her close and plant little kisses on her head. Just thinking about this warmed her heart and helped ease the pain in her head.
She did start to doze off a little when she felt a gentle tap on her shoulder. “Desire try stay awake, please.” She opened her eyes. Johnny spoke very softly.
Just then her mother walked into the room. “Desire, are you feeling well enough to come and eat?”
“Of course I do, in fact I am famished.” She wasn’t really, but was trying to put on a good show. She stood up and walked slowly into the kitchen, Johnny right behind her. They all sat at the table and quietly ate.
“Mrs. Winthrop, if you have to go out this afternoon, I would be happy to stay and watch Desire for you. I am sure my father wouldn’t mind. Business is a little slow at the shop right now.”
Desire’s mother looked a little anxious. She knew the rules: No unsupervised visits in the house alone. But before she had a chance to respond, Papa walked through the front door. He looked upset and walked right over to Desire.
“Stand up darling, and let me see what happened to you.” Desire stood up and her father looked her up and down. “I was notified about your incident after Bible study.” He frowned when he saw the cut on her forehead. “Good gracious, did that other girl really push you down the stairs? Why on earth would she do something like that? Are you in pain?”
“Not really, Papa. I feel a little sore and my head aches just a wee bit, but otherwise I feel fine. I think it was really just an accident. There were so many of us all leaving at the same time I don’t think she meant to push me Papa.”
“That is not quite what I heard said.” He turned and looked at Johnny.
“Johnny, were you able to see what happened? If so, tell the truth please. It is unforgivable to think that some impetuous girl would think they have the right to put my daughter in danger.”
Desire felt a little surprised by his reaction. She had never really seen him react to something with such emotion, except for when he was angry with her, of course.
“Sir, I was heading to the church to escort Desire home and from my perspective it did not look like an accident.”
“Well then, I am heading back to the church and we will have a town meeting tonight. Desire, I also heard about the naughty words you used this morning. Did Tobias explain well enough why those words are not appropriate for young ladies to use?” Desire nodded. “I apologize for them. Sometimes the men folk around here forget that there may be young ladies who can hear what they are saying.”
“Yes Papa. Tobias shared the lesson with the whole Bible study class. I am sorry Papa, if I had known they were bad words I never would have said them.”
She put the cloth up to her wound and winced a little and then looked up at him earnestly.
“My dear. I know that you have been such a good girl lately.” If he only knew the truth! Although she didn’t exactly know what those words meant, of course she knew they were bad words when she spoke them. And if he had any idea what had gone on over the past four days, he may feel very differently!
“I am going to ask the Minister to call a church meeting tonight to clear this up once and for all. Darling, do you want to go see a doctor at the Clinic?”
Desire shook her head. “Well, if I don’t feel all better by tomorrow maybe, but today I think I would just like to stay home.”
“Good, then it is settled. Mama can give you some special vitamins in the meantime. Now, do you have some lunch for Papa?” He looked at Mama, but she was already bringing him a bowl of soup and some fresh slices of bread. He smiled at her and sat down to eat.
Chapter Seventeen
Papa went to the Church after lunch and Johnny went home. Mama decided it was best for her to stay home. She had Desire rest on the couch in the sunroom so that she could keep a close eye on her. If Desire fell asleep, Mama would wake her up frequently to make sure she was okay.
Between naps, Desire recalled all of the bizarre events that occurred over the last few days. She tried to make sense of it all. She tried to force herself to try to remember things from her other life, but nothing sprung to mind. She really couldn’t remember anything much except for the past two years. When she tried to recall memories of her early childhood, the stories were there in her mind but she had no colourful visions of them. It was strange. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that what Johnny told her made sense. If They were working to alter her memory, could They actually recreate the experience or just the story of the experience?
When she recalled making love to Johnny, she could visualize it. That visual seemingly evoked a physical reaction she could feel, but when she thought about childhood memories, it was like reciting text in a book with no feelings attached to them.
Desire began to feel melancholy. She realized that she was like a non-person right now. Who was she? The full impact of the situation seemed to bear down on her and she felt an impulse to bolt out of the house and run. She knew she couldn’t do this and had to talk herself down. She had so many questions. What do my real parents think happened to me? Do they think I am dead? If they think I’m dead, they probably aren’t even looking for me. Gosh, are they even still alive? Do I have any siblings? What was I like before I was brought here? Is Johnny real or part of the experiment? What if he too is a pawn and is just pretending to not be part of it all to trick her even more?
Tears welled up in her eyes as she thought of the different confusing scenarios. If They were messing with her head, how would she really know what was real and what wasn’t? How could she rationalize anything when she wasn’t sure what pieces of her mind were actually her own? She closed her eyes and tried to absorb the magnitude of it all. Part of her wished she would fall asleep and never wake up. As tears rolled down her cheeks she let herself fall into a deep slumber.
She woke up on a living room couch and looked around. The Christmas tree overflowed with presents and the stockings on the mantel were stuffed with goodies. The air was filled with a mixture of aromas: Cinnamon, pine and pumpkin. She knew she was at home.
No one else was awake. She got up and crept over to the table. The glass of milk was empty and the cookies were all gone. Darn it! She had missed him again. She wandered over to the tree and started to inspect the packages gently. There were so many and they were all for her and Patrick. Just then, she heard Patrick calling for her. It was funny how he always called for her when he woke up and not Mammy or Daddy. He figured out quickly that she would rush to get him.
She ran up the wide wooden stairs and into his bedroom. He was only two and half and he called her “Bee Bee” because he couldn’t pronounce her whole name. When he saw her, he started to clap his hands “Bee Bee, Bee Bee, pick me up”. He put his chubby arms out. She picked him up and gave him a great big hug. “Merry Christmas, little buddy! Santa Claus came and brought us lots of presents.”
She was nine years old when Pa
trick was born and she felt thrilled to finally have a baby brother. She hugged him tight and told him that Santa had come. He wasn’t quite sure who Santa was, but as she carried him down the stairs she saw his eyes widen with delight as he saw all the presents under the tree. He started to laugh and tried to wiggle out of her arms.
When they got to the bottom step, she set him down and watched him toddle over to the tree. He screamed with delight. He ran back over and hugged her. “Thank you, Bee Bee. Love you, Bee Bee”.
She bolted up on the couch in a cold sweat.
Oh my god, I remember. I remember!
She cried as she remembered her baby brother, Patrick. She now recalled his chubby little face and red curly hair. Oh, how her heart ached all of a sudden. She wanted to hug him and squeeze him so badly. She knew this was real. The feeling in her heart and soul confirmed that for her. She was sure that no amount of vitamins or mind altering could recreate this feeling of pure love. Oh Patrick, do you think I am dead? She couldn’t imagine what he might be thinking now and how lonely he must be. Despite their age difference, they had been practically inseparable since the day he was born. Aedan loved Patrick too and was like a big brother to Patrick. Losing both of us must have devastated him. Her heart sank a little thinking about what this whole mess had done to him.
Although she wanted to sit and try to conjure up more memories, she knew she had to put these thoughts aside and collect herself. With an achy heart, she knew she had to switch back to this current reality. I need to compose myself. These people, for all intents and purposes, seem to believe they are my parents or want me to believe that they are my parents. I have to play along for now. I can’t blow it.
She snapped back to her current reality soon enough when she heard some clanging in the kitchen. She wasn’t sure what time it was, but felt sure it must be close to dinner time because the sun was starting to fade in the sky. Now she could smell the aromas of supper wafting in from the kitchen. She wiped her eyes and got up to go out to the kitchen.
Mama turned around and smiled at her daughter. “How do you feel, darling?”
Desire wanted to blurt out, “I have no idea! I have no idea what I feel or how I should feel! I can’t possibly explain it to you! I wish I could, but I can’t!” Instead, she just nodded.
“Here,” Mama said. “Let me look at that dreadful wound.” Mama guided Desire to a kitchen chair and inspected the injury. “My my. It looks like it’s healing quite well already. That’s a testament to how healthy you are, my love. Those vitamins are wonderful, aren’t they? Well then, why don’t you go upstairs to change and freshen up for dinner? You may as well just put on your nightgown and robe. After dinner, you can lay down some more.”
Desire nodded obediently and headed upstairs. Her head didn’t hurt as much, but it sure was swimming with thoughts. Now that she remembered her little Patrick, she felt a sense of urgency to get out of this place and find him. She couldn’t bear the thought of him calling for her day after day and deciding that she wasn’t coming to get him after all. She went into her bathroom and splashed cold water on her face. She looked at herself in the mirror and for the first time saw the cut on her forehead. It actually didn’t look so bad for all the blood that came out of it. It was bruised and swollen around the cut, but felt sure it wasn’t anything to worry about.
As she changed out of her clothes, she could see her little wooden figure standing at attention on her nightstand. She went over to get it feeling certain she would find a message inside.
“Desire, stay strong, play along and soon we will be free. J.”
Her heart felt warm and fuzzy when she saw this. She felt a little guilty about doubting him earlier. She knew deep down that he was not tricking her or lying to her. Just like her feelings for Patrick, she knew that what she felt in her heart and soul for Johnny was real. She knew he was the only one that could save her.
Feeling a little paranoid now, she pulled off her dolls shoes and took out all the little notes that Johnny had written to her. She also took one she had stuffed in the doll’s apron pocket. She stuffed them in her robe pocket and headed downstairs.
“Mama I am going to sit by the fire in the living room until dinner is ready.”
“Okay, darling.”
Desire sat on the hearth and watched the flames in the fireplace. They soothed and warmed her. Then, she pulled all the little notes out of her pocket and threw them into the fire. As she watched the pieces of paper burn quickly in the fire it occurred to her that her innocence was just like the paper in the flames – gone before she knew it.
Just a week ago, her goal in life was to be good and follow the rules to avoid getting in trouble. Although life was not very stimulating, it was simple and predictable. Now, her life was a game of survival; a game that could easily get her and Johnny killed if they made one false move. She could no longer act carelessly and mischievously. Now she had to calculate her every move and every word. She had to play the game. She had to win.
She really needed to be with Johnny. Now that she was starting to grasp the reality of their situation, she needed more information. A knock at the door snapped her out of her thoughts. She heard her mother go to the door and answer it.
“Well, how sweet, thank you. She is in the living room right now. She is in her robe so please pardon her appearance, but I am sure her father won’t mind. He said he expected you would drop by to check on her. Between you and me, he has really taken a shine to you.”
She turned around and saw Johnny coming into the living room.
“Look who came to check on you, Desire.” Mama showed Johnny in and then walked towards the kitchen. “I’ll bring you both some tea.”
Johnny handed Desire a bouquet of freshly picked wild roses. He even wrapped some paper around them so she wouldn’t get cut by the thorns. There were all different colours and they smelled heavenly.
“Thank you, Johnny this is so very sweet of you.” She looked up at him aware that her mother was in hearing distance.
Johnny extended his hands to help her up. “Are you feeling any better?”
She stood up and nodded. “Yes I am feeling almost back to normal. Mama was right. The vitamins made me very sleepy, but they helped take almost all the pain away.” She went to one of the occasional chairs and sat down. “Will you be staying for dinner, Johnny?” she asked him innocently.
“As a matter of fact, yes. I met up with your father this afternoon and asked him if he needed my assistance to make sure you and your Mama were okay as he had to go straight back to Work after the church meeting tonight. You and your mother have been excused from attending due to your injury and your father will speak on my behalf.”
He walked over to the other chair and sat down. He looked at her and she knew that he could tell that something was different. He put a finger to his lips to motion that now was not a good time to talk. She simply nodded and smiled at him. They sat in silence for about ten minutes and watched the fire burn until Mama called them for dinner. Johnny helped Desire to her feet. She wobbled a little, but he steadied her and they went into the kitchen.
Her mother had prepared a feast: Roasted chicken with potatoes, green beans, corn, and biscuits. There was a large boat of gravy and a salad of greens and fresh garden vegetables.
“This is quite a spread, Mrs. Winthrop and it all looks delicious.”
They all sat down and prepared their plates. “Well, nothing like a good meal to help you feel better.” She smiled at Desire.
Just as they were about to begin eating, there was another knock at the door. Her mother started to get up, but Johnny got up instead. “Please allow me, it is after dark and this is no time for visitors to be calling, particularly when your husband is not home.” He went to the door and it was two of the attendants from the Clinic. Johnny exchanged quiet words with them and came back in with a small box in his hand. He had a slightly odd look on his face.
“This is a gift from the doctor’s at the
Clinic, Desire. They heard about your accident today and wanted to send you over a little treat.” He opened the box and found four cups of pudding: Three chocolate and one vanilla. “They said that the chocolate cups are for your family and the vanilla one is for you. A little sweet treat to help you feel better.”
“Well isn’t that thoughtful. They even made a special cup for you, Desire.”
Her mother looked delighted, but Johnny did not. He set the box on the counter. “We will save those for our dessert then.” He sat back down at the table and proceeded to eat his meal. Desire at two platefuls of food before she finally threw in the towel and admitted she was full. She suspected that there was something funny about that pudding for her and wanted to be sure there was no question that she too full for dessert. Just to be sure she stuffed in one more slice of bread. Johnny watched her eat and looked amused. She looked up at him and raised her eyebrows as if to say, “What?” She knew he got a kick out of watching her stuff herself with food. She wondered if this was a new characteristic or if she ate like a piggy as her real self. She shrugged her shoulders and kept shoving the bread in.
Her Mama finally spoke up. “Desire, you are eating like you have never seen food before. That is no way for a young lady to eat in front of a guest. Plus, you need to save room for dessert. That pudding looks so yummy.”
“Sorry, Mama. You are right. I’ve forgotten my lady manners. Pardon me, Johnny.”
Who We Are Page 16