Who We Are

by Samantha Marsh

  Darby called Aedan over to inspect the pack-sacks. He tested them by filling them up with random items. When he was done he gave her a thumbs up. “These will work perfectly.” Then he rolled them up tightly and hid them under the floor boards along with his notebook. Then he walked over to the kitchen area. He opened a cupboard and retrieved some small letter envelopes. He gave her about half a dozen.

  “Darby, I want you to start collecting things. You mentioned bringing evidence with us to the outside world and I think that is a great idea. In these envelopes, you can put some vitamins, some of the herbal tea and whatever else you think might be significant. Be sure to label the envelopes with what you know the items to be. Be careful not to get caught.” Darby nodded dutifully. He put his hand on her back and rubbed it a little. As he rubbed toward the side of her body, he felt a hard lump. “Desire, what is this I feel?”

  She looked at him curiously and then remembered she had wrapped her little notebook up in her bosom. Although it was uncomfortable at first, she ended up forgetting it was there at all.

  “Well, I had a lot of anxiety and difficulty sleeping, so I stayed up almost all of night last night recording everything I could think of. All my memories here, descriptions of everyone I knew, little pictures and maps of the town… any little thing I could think of.” She looked up at him hoping he wouldn’t be upset with her.

  He smiled gently and took her hands in his. “That is an excellent idea, Darby. Be careful to keep it safe, although it looks like you found a pretty good hiding spot.”

  She re-packed the picnic basket. Although she felt desperate to learn more from Aedan, she knew it was time for her to go home. She had to go back home to finish her chores there and make dinner as Mama had instructed.

  * * * * * * *

  Johnny and Desire walked quietly through the town. As Desire looked around at the community, that up until recently she thought had been her home, she felt as though she had been blind and had just regained her sight. She looked at all the houses and they were all the same. They passed a few people on their way home and she focused in on their eyes. What were they thinking? What were they feeling? It occurred to her that as far as she could remember, there was very little, if any, displays of emotion here. Everyone was polite enough and kind enough, but she couldn’t remember any public display of emotions such as happiness and delight. She couldn’t remember seeing two friends walking about laughing and giggling simply happy to be in each other’s company.

  They had been taught that public displays of emotion were forbidden, but as she thought about Patrick, she remembered how good it was to run through the park with him laughing out loud. She remembered hugging him in public just because it felt good. They picnicked and lay on the blanket singing and telling stories and would laugh the afternoon away. But here, it was as if the emotional switch had been shut off.

  It suddenly became evident to her that negative emotions such as anger, shame and guilt were part of the core of this community. The positive emotions she felt when some of her memories came back were all-consuming. As Desire thought of her brother Patrick, it was like she could feel the memory. It was a very powerful and dominating emotion. But when she thought about being punished here in Hemac, all she felt was fear of reprisal, guilt for disobeying and shame for standing out as a heathen in the community. Despite the intensity of these emotions and the negative feelings attached to these memories, Desire suddenly put some of the pieces of the puzzle together.

  Despite the fear of being caught, she had continued to sneak into the forest. It was in the forest that she felt free and happy. She pictured herself running around barefoot feeling the grass between her toes. Her pursuit of positive emotions outweighed her fear of punishment. Regardless of the consequences, the pursuit of the positive overshadowed the possible negative outcome.

  Although she wanted to ponder this some more, they had arrived at her house. Johnny bid her a proper farewell and she went inside. Much to her surprise her mother was already home. She brought her picnic basket to the table to empty it.

  “Good afternoon Mama, how are you today?”

  Her mother walked over to her and gave her a long hug. Desire was a little surprised by this but hugged her mother back. When she looked up there were tears in her mother’s eyes. “What is wrong, Mama?”

  Her mother hesitated and wipe a tear from her left cheek. Her hand was shaking a little bit and when Desire looked into to her eyes, she saw an intense sadness despite Mama giving her a weak smile.

  “Desire, I love you so much. Papa will be gone for a few more days, so it’s just us girls.” She paused for a moment. “Earlier you asked me what my favourite memory was and I was thinking about that most of today. I thought I could help you pick some vegetables for our dinner tonight and we can talk about that then.”

  Desire smiled up at her. “Sure, Mama. That would be nice.”

  Although Desire knew deep down that this was not her mother as far as she knew, her Mama thought she was.

  Chapter Twenty

  Mama and Desire headed out to the vegetable field. Desire thought about how the warmth of the sun felt wonderful and she looked up to see billowing clouds floating through the clear sky. She looked forward to a quiet afternoon with Mama.

  “Desire, let’s go over here, I think there are some peas ready to pick.” She pointed to the spot close to the bushes that Desire used as cover to sneak into the forest. Desire nodded and followed her mother. When they reached the spot, Desire looked around and saw a basket behind the bushes, already full of plump green pea pods.

  “Well, look at that! Now we don’t have to spend this wonderful afternoon sweating in this hot sun.” Mama put her basket down beside the full basket and took Desire’s hand. Much to Desire’s astonishment, Mama led her straight into the forest. She had not been back there since Nathaniel had attacked her and she started to shake a little. “Don’t you worry darling, this is our little secret.”

  Desire started to cry a little. She realized that despite the positive emotions attached to her experiences in the forest, humiliation, pain, shame and fear had displaced those feelings, thanks to Nathaniel. After taking just a few steps into the forest, Desire was unable to move. Her mother tugged her arm a little, but she stood firm. Deep down she wanted to go into the forest with her mother, but the intensity of the feelings attached to that horrible event overwhelmed her and she felt a wave of nausea come over her. She let go of her mother’s hand. She kneeled down, hunched over and vomited until she had nothing left in her stomach. Her mother knelt down beside her rubbed her back.

  “Darling, it’s okay. Papa will never know and you don’t have to fear getting in trouble.” Desire recognized that her mother thought she was scared of getting caught in the forbidden forest and the punishment that would surely come. If she only knew what actually caused me to feel like this! How I wish I could confide in her! But I mustn’t. I cannot! I cannot trust anyone here. Oh how that makes me feel so alone.

  Desire choked back more tears at the thought of her isolation and instead wiped her eyes and waited for a moment to make sure her stomach had settled. Her mother helped her to her feet and led her deep into the forest. She brought her to the little creek and bent down to get a handful of water. She dabbed some on Desire’s forehead. Desire looked into her eyes and what she saw disturbed her. She saw a mixture of sorrow and warmth. It occurred to her that this woman standing before her was a mystery to her. Did she have a family in the real world that was missing her? She took her mother’s hand and squeezed it.

  They went over to a grassy patch beside the creek and sat down. Her mother turned to her. She smiled gently and looked Desire straight in the eye.

  “Desire, I want to tell you something. Something very important. It might shock you, so I want to prepare you.”

  Desire could not imagine what Mama might tell her, but she embraced the opportunity to learn anything she could.

  “Desire, I am not your mother.
My real name is Sarah Jane Martin.” She paused, letting it sink in, and explored Desire’s eye for a reaction. She anticipated shock, disbelief and perhaps a little worry at hearing this statement, but instead Desire didn’t blink before gently whispering, “I know that.”

  It was Mama who looked surprised. And although she was surprised, part of her felt relieved. She had been terrified ever since she decided to tell Desire the truth and feared that the girl would run to Papa and tell him how crazy she had gone. The consequences of that surely would have been a trip straight to Clinic, never to be seen again.

  “How long have you known, dear?”

  “Only a couple of days.” She looked into the eyes of this woman whom they both now knew would never be her mother again, even if it was just a twisted fantasy, and she saw a look of resignation and despair. She imagined that this is how someone would look if they had lost a child. In a sense, Mama had just lost her child. As she thought of this, a vision of a beautiful woman with long auburn hair and bright green eyes flashed into her mind’s eye. It was her real mother.

  “Why did you bring me out here?” asked Desire.

  “Well, I brought you out here to explain to you that things are not as they seem here. Changes will come at the Celebration of the New Year and I wanted to convince you to try to escape Hemac. I would miss you terribly, even though I am not really your mother, but I want you to know that I couldn’t love you any more than I already do if I was. ” She sighed heavily and Desire could see the anguish in her eyes.

  “Please tell me everything you know, Mama. Start from the beginning.”

  Mama took a deep breath, smoothed the hair around her face and then turned her head from side to side, as if looking for spies.

  “I have lived here in Hemac for about five years, and was in treatment for about one year before I joined the community. My former existence is not something that I feel proud of. I grew up in a small rural town in Ohio and couldn’t wait to move to the big city once I turned 18 years old. My mother had me when she was only 14 years old. She had to go on welfare. She moved into a trailer park and basically did as little as possible for me. I got shuffled between my mother’s trailer and a string of crappy foster homes for most of my life. My mother turned into a hopeless alcoholic and she couldn’t seem to ever get it together, and most of the time, didn’t even try. We often went days without food, but she always seemed to have money for alcohol and cigarettes.

  ”She had a constant entourage of boyfriends come in and out of our lives. They stayed until they ran out of money and then my mom would kick them out to find the next chump who had a couple of bucks in his pocket. None of them paid much attention to me and I spent most of my childhood wandering around the trailer park.

  ”When I finally turned 18, I packed my bags and bid farewell to my drunk mother and the stepfather du jour. I am pretty sure they still haven’t even noticed I am gone. I bought a bus ticket to New York City and I dreamed about a new fabulous life. Visions of becoming an actress or model, living in a nice home and meeting my prince charming to sweep me off my feet filled me with hope and anticipation.

  “When I arrived, I was famished from the long bus ride. I went into the first diner I saw. I thought I was all set to start a new life. I had $200 that I had stolen from my mom’s boyfriend while he was sleeping. Foolishly, I thought I had enough money to start a new life. Keep in mind, I grew up in a shitty trailer where we rarely had food and I got most of my clothes from lost and found bins around the city.

  “Well, that was in 1992 and it wasn’t long before the City swallowed me up and spit me out. Little did I know that stupid girls like me from broken homes have an invisible sign on them that every scumbag in the city can see the minute you walk off that bus.

  “Well the diner I went in had an all-day breakfast special for $0.99. That sounded good to me because I knew I would have to be careful to budget my money until I got a job. I sat at the counter, duffel bag under my stool and sipped on my coffee waiting for my breakfast. A few other people milled into the diner, including a very handsome man that sat right beside me. We chatted for a little bit and he told me how beautiful I was. He was so charming that by the time I finished my plate of breakfast, I had told him my whole miserable life story.

  “He seemed so interested in what I had to say and kept inserting little compliments. At the time, I had never had anyone treat me like that and it felt good. He asked me if I was staying with friends and I told him I didn’t know anyone in the city and that I was hoping to find a cheap room to stay in. He laughed at that and told me a nice girl like me had no business staying in some cheap and dirty room. He pulled out his cell phone and made a quick call. He told me he had a friend who was looking for a room-mate and that he would be happy to introduce me. If I liked the place, he offered to help me with the rent until I got on my feet. I wondered why a total stranger would offer to help like he had, but he seemed so genuine that I did not want to offend him by questioning his motives. So I agreed.

  “He had a nice black Mustang and he drove me all through the city, showing me grand places like the Empire State Building and Times Square. It was so thrilling and the city was so big. Although it was intimidating, I felt comforted by the fact that I had made a new friend so quickly.

  “Eventually he took me to meet his friend, Monique. She was very beautiful and wore lots of make-up and fancy clothes. She greeted me with a big smile and showed me around the apartment. It had a kitchen, a living room, two bedrooms and a washroom. Compared to the squalor I grew up in, Monique’s place seemed like a palace. The bedroom that I could have was fully furnished with a double bed covered with pink blankets and fluffy pillows, a dresser and a large vanity table with a heart shaped mirror. There were frilly pink curtains on the window. It was a bedroom meant for a princess, in my eyes.

  “We sat on the couch in the living room and drank coffee while I retold my story to Monique. She smiled sweetly and nodded at my new friend. She then hugged me and welcomed me to my new home.

  “To someone like you, this may be the part of the story where you inner voice screams at you to run and never look back. But to a poorly educated and hungry trailer-park girl who had been ignored most of her life, this was one of the best experiences of my life. That night, after taking a lavender bubble bath, I lay in the heavenly bed and dreamed of what my future was to be. Little did I know my dream would soon become a nightmare?

  “I offered Monique my $200 to cover part of the rent. She laughed and gave it back to me. She told me not to worry, that my new friend, Mac, had covered it and he would settle up with me later.

  “Early the next morning, I went to the newspaper stand at the corner and bought a paper. I poured over the want ads every day, but it quickly occurred to me that I really didn’t have any skills to offer an employer. After a week of pounding the street and applying to any ‘Help Wanted’ sign and job ad I could find, I was exhausted. I made my way back to the little diner I went to my first night I the city. I ordered the ninety-nine cent breakfast again. I started to cry as I drank my coffee. An older waitress with a name tag that said ‘Madge’ came over with a tissue in her hand. She handed it to me and refilled my coffee. She stood there with me for a minute and she must have seen the stack of want ads in on the counter beside me. We chatted for a minute and she had the kindest grey eyes I had ever seen.

  “She told me she saw about a dozen girls like me every day. Coming to the Big City hopeful that all of our dreams would come true. She said that this city ate little girls like me up every day. Swallowed us up whole. She took a liking to me though and after our chat she told me to come back the next day. She was sure the boss was getting ready to hire new help and if she could convince him that she would train her, she might be able to get her a job.

  “So I went back the next day and as I walked through the door, Madge saw me and gave me the thumbs up. I filled out some paperwork and, just like that, I had my first job. I had to start in the kitchen wash
ing dishes and doing simple food prep. Once I mastered that, Madge would train me to be a waitress.

  “When I got my first paycheck for two weeks’ worth of work, I felt ecstatic. After paying for my first uniform, I had a little over $300 dollars. When I ran home to show Monique, she laughed, but she was not laughing with me, she was laughing at me. She made a call and in a couple minutes, Mac arrived. He told me he felt proud of me, but also felt disappointed that I would not be able to pay him back after how much he had helped. I was a little confused, but he told me that my half of the rent was $900 and that didn’t include the phone bill, the cable bill or the groceries.

  “He sat me down on the couch and asked me if I was interested in working with Monique. He told me that sometimes she could make $300 in a single hour. I was shocked, but that explained how she could afford all those beautiful clothes, shoes and make-up.

  “Three hundred dollars in an hour? Of course, I was interested. I asked him what I would have to do. He said we could talk about it later, after he took Monique and me out on the town. Monique took me to a salon where they died my hair chocolate brown, cut and styled it. They applied my make-up, put on false nails and polished my toes. Then they waxed me head to toe, and I mean head to toe. At the time I didn’t understand why all this was necessary, but I didn’t feel compelled enough to ask questions.

  “Back in the apartment, Monique gave me a sparkly green dress to wear that was very tight and very short, silken nude stockings and the highest heels I had ever seen. I had to practice walking in them for about an hour to be sure I wouldn’t fall flat on my face when we went out!

  “Mac took us out to a fancy dinner and then to a club. He kept buying me cocktails and as the night wore on, I realized that I was a little drunk. Mac hovered over me all night feeding me drinks and compliments. Once again, I felt like a princess. Then he kissed me and it was magical. He was gentle and kind. Toward the end of the night, he leaned over and whispered in my ear to ask me if I was virgin. I blushed and nodded. He seemed pleased with my answer and, before I knew it, we were leaving the club and he was hailing a taxi cab. Monique stayed at the club. He took me to his upper west-side condo, which was huge and luxurious. That night, he took my virginity. The next night, he took my innocence.