by R. K. Ryals
My arms remained at my sides, my eyes widening. In our family, we didn’t hug.
Something in me exploded, a wall in my heart coming down.
Slowly and carefully, I returned the hug, my hands patting her back awkwardly. She shook in my embrace.
“What do you do,” she whispered, “when you don’t have parents to make proud?”
I froze, my hand against her back. A dozen sentences pressed against my lips but only one came out. “You make yourself proud,” I breathed into her ear. “You fail yourself, too, because I think failing isn’t as bad as everyone thinks it is. No one likes to do it, but when you hit rock bottom, at least you have something to push yourself off of. Plus, you can’t be afraid of failing when you’ve already done it.”
“Have you,” she pulled back far enough to peer up at me, “failed?’
“Yeah,” I answered slowly. “I’ve failed a shit ton, and now I’m ready to start climbing.”
Hetty cleared her throat. “Maybe it’s changed since I got old, but isn’t there something teenagers like to do other than socialize in my yard on a summer night?”
Deena and I looked at each other, and then glanced at Nana.
Hetty nodded at Eli and Jonathan. “There’s been a lot of revelations tonight. Maybe we should take some time and let them sink in.”
Eli lifted a brow, his lips curling up. “I’m starving.”
Jonathan groaned and rubbed his eyes. “Shit. Whatever, but if we’re going somewhere, I’m driving.”
We risked a look at Hetty.
She shook her head, a smile fighting the stern wrinkles on her face. “Go,” she ordered, nodding at Deena and me before glancing at the sky. “Lord, help me be strong enough to survive this.” Her gaze fell. “You have enough money?” she asked us.
“Got it covered,” Eli answered.
She looked at me. “We’re not done, you know that, right?”
I nodded.
Waving at the cars, she sighed heavily. “Don’t be too late, leave any cell phone numbers you have with me, and be young.”
Deena’s face transformed, her braces flashing when she smiled. It wowed me, and I realized just how beautiful my sister was, how enchanting she was going to be someday.
Surprises never ceased.
Leaving me, Deena hugged Hetty.
Our grandmother reacted the same way I did, uncertain at first, before her arms fell around her granddaughter.
“Tansy?” Hetty asked.
I walked into the hug, letting myself be a part of them. This place, this family, wasn’t what Deena or I would have asked for, but it was the one handed to us. Eli and Jonathan included.
It was time to do more than survive. It was time to live.
FORTY
Eli
Summer was my favorite time of the year. Hot country roads at night, dust flying. Stars stretching out forever on a black canvas sky. Lights flashing in the city. Hung over evenings spent eating cold pizza straight out of the refrigerator because you’d been too fucked up from the night before to do anything the next. Laughing people inside of bouncing clubs. Living life at its fullest one steaming day at a time.
Tonight, it was about the country roads, windows down, and people who had been brought together by some weird twist of fate.
Wind blew against dark trees, shaking them, making the leaves laugh at us.
“Faster!” Deena shouted, her head out the window.
We were on a long stretch of dirt road, the length of it empty.
Jonathan stepped on the gas, flooring it before easing off of the pedal.
“That was a total cop out! You can do better than that!” Deena cried.
“I’m not the adrenaline junkie in the family,” Jonathan yelled over the wind, throwing me a look.
Tonight would have been the perfect night to drive my motorcycle. The perfect night to make out with the wind, nothing between me and flying. If it was here. Instead, Pops had recently informed me it was being stored at his house in the city, a modest two-level in the Atlanta suburbs.
“Find food!” I called out.
Pulling down the mirror on the passenger side, I stared into the back seat at Tansy.
Wind rushed into her hair, spiking it, causing her large T-shirt to billow out around her. Shadows invaded her face, but even in the dark, I caught her smile, the pure joy gazing out over the fields and star-filled skies gave her. Despite her demons and the noise in her head this quiet town had forced her to listen to, she was made for the country. For the wilderness. For the ends of the earth even. Maybe, hopefully, she was made for the sea, too.
Jonathan pulled off onto a side road, and street lights flashed over us. A train whistle screeched, the sound of a locomotive rumbling over old tracks. A light glared, and the train chugged past, the sides of the metal beast running alongside the bumpy blacktop we were on.
Deena screamed and fist pumped the night, hair blowing wildly. “It could be going anywhere!” she hollered.
“Probably just moving something down the line,” Jonathan replied.
Deena pulled her head into the car. “Don’t spoil it, you ape!”
Tansy leaned forward in her seat, her head coming to rest on the door near my head, her breath raising the hairs on my neck. “It’s fun, isn’t it?” she asked me. “Being with my sister reminds me of what it was like before liking boys and wanting to fit in made socializing weird.”
“It gets weirder for boys faster,” I teased, grinning. “Do you have a crush on someone? Is it making things weird? Because if I ever meet him, I’m going to tell him how hard you—”
Reaching between the seats, she pinched me. “Neanderthal.”
“We’ve got two choices,” Jonathan said, slowing the car. “Pizza or burgers?”
Two buildings flanked the road, their neon signs flashing. I’d never been on this side of town, the back side, next to nowhere.
Deena perked up. “Burgers. I want fries.”
Jonathan pulled into one of the parking lots. Most of the spaces were taken, and in the end, he took a corner spot by the road.
The smell of grease and too much perfume permeated the space when we walked in. Dim, stained glass lights hung over wooden tables with orange faux leather booth seats. Pop music played overhead, and muted TVs mounted from the walls flashed news and ESPN channels.
Every table except two were taken.
A harried hostess ushered us to an empty booth near the window, slapping menus down in front of us. “Our ice cream machine is down, so if you’re looking for a frozen treat, you’re out of luck. Anything else, your server can help you with.”
After taking our drink orders, she left.
Jonathan grinned. “Every night looks like Friday night in here.”
Summer was a season for letting loose, and my brother had been around town more than I had since arriving. I wasn’t envious. Partying was something I excelled at, and I’d done enough of it the past couple of years to hold me over for a while.
Our waitress, a blonde with pink-tipped hair and a big bosom, materialized at the table, smacking gum. She plunked down the drink orders the hostess had gotten from us. By the look of things, they were short staffed. “Know what you want?”
We ordered, waited on the food in silence, and then stuffed our faces when it came. Tansy was the only one who didn’t order a burger, opting for a BLT and fries.
Mixing ketchup, mayonnaise, and mustard on her plate, she dunked the fries.
Jonathan’s lips puckered. “That’s gross.”
Tansy laughed. “What? Mixing the condiments or eating it with the fries?”
“Both,” he answered.
Tansy kept eating, drawing her feet onto the booth seat to hug her knees. The hostess had placed us under a vent, and the chilly air blasted over our heads.
I scooted closer to her, pressing the side of my body against hers.
Deena glanced at the window next to us, at the restaurant’s reflection in the gla
ss, the lights and the laughing customers. “Do you think we’ll look back at this one day and see this night as an epiphany?”
“Epiphany?” I asked, choking on my burger. “This from the mouth of a girl who couldn’t even use correct grammar when we met.”
Deena glared. “Could to. Just chose not to.”
“A sudden, profound understanding of life,” Tansy murmured, her gaze finding her sister. “I think tonight counts.”
Deena threw a look at Jonathan, who was frowning at his cellphone. “Maybe.”
Tansy pointed a mixed condiment-drenched fry at my brother. “Your face will stick that way if you keep frowning like that.”
“Sometimes I hate social media.” Jonathan slid his phone across the table, directly in my line of vision.
There, on the screen, was a picture of Jonathan’s dad, a young woman, and a splayed hand with a diamond ring on it.
“Dream vacation, my ass,” Jonathan murmured. “He could have told me he was going to ask her to marry him. It’s not like I don’t like her.”
Deena leaned over the table. “Who?”
“She’s pretty,” Tansy offered, looking at the phone.
Jonathan shrugged. “She’s okay.” Glancing at Deena, he said, “That’s my dad’s girlfriend. They’ve been together for three years now.”
“Holy cow!” Deena whistled. “Don’t worry about it, then. Three years is forever. They’re practically married by time.”
“It’s the ring that bothers you, isn’t it?” Tansy asked, lowering her head to catch Jonathan’s gaze. “It makes forever promises that aren’t always easy to keep.”
“I don’t know,” he muttered. “Would have felt better if they’d told me before she posted it. Meredith is all about posting pics online. Like the happier she looks, the more real it is.”
“I’ve met her, Jon. She’s decent. A picture monger maybe, but she’ll be good to you. And your dad will have someone when you move out after senior year,” I pointed out.
My brother, unlike Heather and I, had a decent, drama-free childhood after Child Protective Services put him with his father. Dean Blackledge worshipped his son, so much so, that he’d put off getting into a serious relationship until his son was in high school.
“I think that’s it,” Jonathan admitted. “I wish he would have waited until after I graduated. I’ve gotten used to it just being me and him.”
“Where are they?” Deena asked, finally getting a good look at the picture. “That scenery is ridiculous.”
“The Maldives,” Jonathan answered.
Tansy leaned into me, unconsciously seeking warmth, and heat surged through me. She seemed much smaller balled up on the booth seat.
“He may wait until after graduation. It’s only a ring so far.” She studied him, and then arched a brow. “From the look on your face, I’m betting he didn’t say anything about the ring at all.”
Jonathan shoved a fry into his mouth. “Whatever.”
I knew better. My brother was disturbed by the picture. It didn’t matter that Meredith was a good person, he liked his family the way it was, and I didn’t blame him for that.
“So you live with your dad then?” Deena asked, throwing Jonathan a sidelong glance.
“Yeah, in Washington D.C.”
Deena’s shoulders fell. “Oh … so you won’t go to school here in the fall?”
“No.”
“I will be,” Tansy said suddenly, recognizing her sister’s slide into depression. “Or near anyway. Maybe a two-year college program in Atlanta until I can explore other options.”
Deena’s gaze found mine. “And you?”
“Michigan,” I answered. “I’ve been accepted into the University of Michigan.”
Tansy stilled next to me, the news sinking in, conflicting emotions fighting for dominance on her face. “Let’s worry about summer first,” she said, smiling.
Despite her words, I didn’t miss how she leaned away from me, putting distance between us.
“I thought you were a boxer?” Deena asked, not letting it go.
I dragged a fry into a pool of ketchup. “It’s something I love to do, but it’s not my sole career choice. Most of my boxing career has been made up of amateur matches, two professional, before the DUI charges.”
At fourteen, Deena didn’t care about career choices. She cared about change, about how much she hated it.
“I’m betting the guys in your boxing class will be at the high school this fall.”
“Wonderful,” Deena murmured. “Just what I need.”
Roger’s olive-skinned face flashed in my mind’s eye, and I chuckled. “I think you’ll make it, Deena. You’re a tough kid.”
For some reason, those words cheered her, and she glanced at me, eyes smiling.
An upbeat, popular song came on over the loud speaker, and the patrons cheered, a group of them getting up to dance.
Deena laughed.
“Hey!” a cheerful, slurred voice cried. “Eli Lockston?”
Poufy, blonde-haired Vanessa stumbled into our booth, two friends—a brunette and a dyed redhead—attached to her. They giggled.
I smiled at them.
Jonathan’s amused gaze swept the table, his dad temporarily forgotten. “You look good and wasted,” he pointed out.
“The best kind,” she agreed, swaying to the music. “I don’t think I’ve seen y’all around at night much. You should join us sometime.” She gestured at her two friends, and then waved at a table across the room where five other people sat, four guys and another girl.
“We’ll let you know if we can,” I promised, knowing good and well I never would. Not because I was against partying it up with Vanessa, but because I had too much on the line this summer … with the DUI and Tansy.
“Jonathan,” my brother suddenly introduced, getting their attention.
Vanessa’s eyes widened. “Oh, I’m sorry!” She inclined her head at the two girls. “This is Autumn and Carlee.” She nodded at us. “And this is Deena and Tansy. They’re sisters. And Eli and Jonathan. They’re brothers. Eli’s doing some work at the rescue league. Community service for a DUI.”
Instant interest.
What was it about women and bad boys? Say one thing about being arrested, and they suddenly wanted in your pants.
The girls with Vanessa flicked a look at Tansy, noticed how close she sat to me, and squinted.
Carlee, the brunette, waved her hand at her. “You’ve got an interesting name.”
“And an interesting look,” Autumn, the redhead, added, giggling.
Tansy offered them a smile. “I’m named after a flower. A toxic flower. Eat large quantities of it, and it can be deadly. One moment, you’re fine, and then … wham!” She clapped.
The girls jumped.
Vanessa frowned. “Alrighty, then. Well, we need to go back to our group.” Her eyes found mine. “Think about joining us sometime.”
Jonathan chuckled, his gaze following them across the room. “Is that true? The whole toxic flower thing?”
“Partly,” Tansy answered, grinning. “It’s not how I got the name, but it was fun to watch their faces.”
“Bitches,” Deena mumbled.
“No, they’re not.” Tansy looked at her sister. “Not really. They’re just having a good time and hitting on guys.”
I stared at her, at the way her shirt rode low on her shoulder. “How did you get your name?”
“Mom had this weird naming thing,” Deena answered for her. Sucking tea up her straw, she swallowed and grinned. “It was symbolic. Deena means valley, and so it reminded her of the earth. Jet was named after an aircraft because it reminded her of flying. High and low.” Her face sobered, brows furrowing. “Tansy, coming between us, got the most ironic name of us all.”
Tansy stiffened. “Immortality,” she whispered. “My name means immortality.”
Deena snorted. “Stupid, right? Like any of us are immortal. After Mom and Dad, I’ve learned that life i
s like a set of playing cards. You just have to wait until your hand is played or your card is drawn.”
“That’s a depressing way of looking at it,” Jonathan mumbled, glancing at her askance.
She shrugged. “Live and learn.”
My gaze remained on Tansy, on the way she hugged herself. “If everyone is done, let’s get out of here.”
“Where to?” Jonathan asked.
“We’ll just drive until we find something.”
Deena seemed hopeful. “With the windows down?”
I smiled. “Every single one of them.”
FORTY-ONE
Tansy
Wind … so much wind roaring around us, swallowing up everything. Deena screamed into the night, fell back laughing, and then did it again.
I stared at the back of the passenger seat, my eyes on Eli’s head.
We’re wrong for each other.
The thought slammed into me inside the restaurant the moment he mentioned Michigan, and it had grown bigger ever since then, invading my thoughts, my heart, and my body.
Everything we’d said and done. It couldn’t be that easy. It couldn’t be that easy for us to trust each other, to give up the vices we held onto. His distrust. Me and pain.
Eli pointed at an empty field, the moon hanging over it, grass waving, and Jonathan pulled to the side of the road.
“I am not cow tipping if that’s what you’re getting at,” Jonathan said, cutting off the engine.
“You have no sense of adventure,” Eli teased. “But no, I have no interest in pushing over cows. Let’s just walk.”
“Boring!” Deena complained.
“Maybe.” Eli opened his door, climbed out, and then glanced into the car. “But if I remember correctly, the pond is just over the hill in the distance, and there was a time a long time ago when we hid things in the woods …”
Jonathan laughed. “Shit, the old boat house.”
Eli smiled. “Right before Grams died, she had us hide things in a boathouse in the woods bordering the pond. We could hide anything; it didn’t matter what. It was supposed to be this huge scavenger hunt thing we could do the year after she died, but no one really cared to do it. We just hid the stuff for her, and then sort of forgot it. Or maybe, we just didn’t feel like going back.”