by Anna Wilson
Molly nodded. Then she laughed.
‘Why are you laughing?’ I cried in an exasperated tone. ‘You are my Best Friend. Best Friends do not laugh in times of crisis like this one. You should be helping me.’
‘I know – that’s why I laughed. I have had an idea,’ she said. ‘Listen, what if we put Nick Harris off your sister once and for all so that he absolutely definitely totally does not want to go out with her?’
Now this was possibly quite an unkind thing to do, and probably definitely unsisterly. I thought about it for a split moment and then said, ‘OK. What do you have in mind?’
Molly told me her Masterly Plan.
And I laughed too.
12
How to Desensitize Your Vet
Molly persuaded me to put her Masterly Plan into operation straight away while my extremely annoying and embarrassing older sister was watching telly. I agreed at once in case I thought about it too much and decided to change my mind.
Molly used the kitchen phone to ring the vets’ surgery.
‘Hello, may I please speak with Mr Nicholas Harris the vet, please,’ she said. She put on a posh telephone voice which was extremely EFFECTIVE and made her sound older and definitely maturer. ‘Oh, he’s out making house calls? Actually, would it be possible to contact him and ask him to make a house call here to my particular place of abode?’ Molly was possibly slightly overdoing the posh telephone voice, but I thought she must know what she was doing. ‘Thank you so much. It’s my puppy you see – Honey. Yes, Honey Love, that’s the one. She’s ever so poorly and really I can’t see how I would get her in the car . . . so Mr Harris will be here shortly? Thank you so much. My name? Yes, certainly. It’s April Love.’
I was quite a little bit by this lie of Molly’s, which was really as Bare-Faced as the ones my sister had been telling about being the owner of Honey instead of me, but it had to be part of the plan to make sure that Nick did actually get here while April was still watching telly. I crept into the sitting room to check that April was indeed still there, and she’d actually fallen asleep in front of an old black-and-white film, and was still wearing her beard!
Molly and I sat in the kitchen with Honey and waited for the Masterly Plan to take effect. We decided to pass the time by doing a bit of training with Honey. I had not really done much of this up to this point, as Honey was still so tiny.
We flicked through the Love Me, Love My Dog book until we found the section on training. It was very useful as the author, Monica Sitstill, had divided all the different training commands up into little sections so that you could easily find the bit on ‘How to Make Your Dog Sit’ or ‘How to Make Your Dog Stay’ and so on, etc.
‘Let’s try and get Honey to understand the “sit” command first,’ said Molly. She always takes charge when we are together, and sometimes I find this annoying, but this time she was doing me an extremely Good Deed by helping me with her Masterly Plan, so I decided I wouldn’t find it annoying this time.
‘I’ll get some of the treats we bought her,’ I said as Molly read aloud from the book about what we had to do.
‘“First make sure you have a tasty treat in your hand,”’ she read.
‘Check!’ I said. I like using that word like that, because it is what they say on those programmes when people are in aeroplanes and are checking important items off a list before they go on a secret mission.
‘“Call your dog,”’ Molly went on.
‘Honey!’ I called.
Honey was already lying at my feet, so she couldn’t come to me. She put her head on one side, but didn’t get up or anything.
Molly read out the next bit: ‘“Show your dog the treat. Let him [or her, of course] sniff it, but don’t let him [or her] eat it.”’
Ha! Easier said than done. The minute I showed Honey the treat, she snatched it and gobbled it up.
Molly sighed and said, ‘Get another treat and try again. This time, wait till Honey’s standing up and then hold the treat just above her nose so that she has to tip her head back to look at it. Monica Sitstill says that this will make the dog sit and then you can say “sit” and give Honey the treat the moment she sits.’
I tried again. Honey was standing now and watching the biscuit with a beady, greedy look in her eye. I held the biscuit above Honey’s head. She jumped up and snatched it again before I could say anything at all.
I was starting to get quite fed up with Honey. And Molly was starting to get quite fed up with me.
‘You’re not concentrating, Summer,’ she said in her bossy voice, which always makes me feel like I don’t want to carry on playing with her any more. I did my best to take a deep breath and Not React, which is what Mum is always advising me to do when April annoys me.
I took another treat and held it over Honey’s head again, but this time I held on to it very tightly as there was absolutely no way I was going to let her snatch it. She looked at the biscuit and I moved it a bit further back over her head so that she had to tip her head back like it said in the book. I said ‘sit!’ and she sat!
I fed her the treat, then Molly and I whooped and jumped around and said, ‘Good dog! Good dog, Honey!’
Honey started jumping and whooping too – well, yapping anyway, and we were having so much fun we nearly didn’t hear the front doorbell ring.
But luckily we heard it just in time and luckily April heard it too and woke up with a start and ran to answer the door, which was all part of Molly’s Masterly Plan.
‘Oh, er, hello,’ said a voice, which was most definitely Nick Harris’s beardy voice.
‘Hi!’ said April. We were spying on her from behind the kitchen door. She was doing the hair-flicking thing, which obviously meant she was pleased to see him.
‘Erm, I got a call to say that Honey was ill,’ said Nick Harris.
Nick was talking in a hesitant sort of manner and looking at my sister in a funny way, and it was no wonder because she was STILL WEARING THE BEARD!
But of course, she had not realized that she was. Molly and I were trying very hard indeed not to have one of our giggling sessions. I leaned a bit further out of the kitchen so that I could get a good view of what was happening at the front door.
‘Oh, I don’t think so,’ said April, and then she said, ‘but why don’t you come in and have a cup of tea?’
‘N-no, I won’t, actually,’ said Nick Harris, holding his hand out in front of him and backing off down the driveway as if my sister was a dangerous animal he was trying to get away from very quickly indeed.
‘Oh, OK, if you’re sure?’ said my sister, flicking her hair in a quite desperate manner.
‘Yes – thanks – I’m sure!’ Nick Harris shouted and he broke into a run as he got closer to his car. He fumbled with the keys and dropped them. He did look really quite panicky, and although it was funny and Molly’s Masterly Plan had obviously worked in a truly masterful way, I did begin to feel a little bit guilty that Nick Harris was looking so freaked.
April shrugged and closed the door. As she did so, she caught sight of her reflection in the mirror and saw . . . THE BEARD!
‘Oh, Argh! EEEEEK! OH NOOOOO!’ she cried. Then very unfortunately for us, Molly and I could not hold in our giggling any longer and some giggles spilt out and April heard us.
She turned on her heel, ripping the beard off her face as she did so and bellowed in an extremely loud voice:
‘YOU’LL REGRET THIS, SUMMER HOLLY LOVE – YOU MARK MY WORDS!’
She actually looked a bit like a cross between Monica Sitstill and Mr Elgin and I was actually quite scared.
Molly was still giggling behind the door though and whispered, ‘I don’t think we’ll be seeing any more of Mr Nick Harris – or his beard! One vet well and truly desensitized.’
13
How to Find Your Puppy Love
April told Mum about the Beard Episode later that day. I could tell that Mum wanted badly to laugh long and loud about it, but she could obviously tel
l that April very much did not want her to, so Mum did not. But her mouth twitched a lot at the corners, and her face went quite beetrooty.
April stormed up to her room and said she was going back to work the next day as it would be more of a holiday than being at home with me in This Madhouse. She also told Mum that we should never have got Honey because she was a Liability. She said that I would never make a good dog owner because I didn’t care about Honey’s behaviour and that we would all ‘Live To Regret The Day That Mutt Ever Set Foot In This House’.
All this was so unfair, because the only thing Honey had done wrong so far was not like a man with a beard that my sister happened to be in love with.
When April had gone to work the next morning, I told Mum this.
Mum said, ‘I know that your sister is being unfair, not to mention a little strange, but that’s what being in love does to people, I’m afraid.’
I said that in that case there was no way in the history of the world, or indeed the universe, that I would ever fall in love with anyone. Ever.
Mum smiled and gave me a hug. ‘You love Honey though, don’t you?’ she said.
‘Don’t be daft, Mum. That is no way the same thing,’ I said, rolling my eyes. Honestly, Mum is on such a different wavelength most of the time I wonder how she ever manages to cope out there in the Big Wide World.
‘Of course, Summer. I know that,’ said Mum. ‘But I was just thinking, well, maybe April’s just a bit upset because you’ve got Honey and you’re really happy about that, but she can’t seem to get Nick interested in her and she’s really unhappy about that. So maybe you should help her.’
I didn’t understand this at all. ‘Mum, if Nick Harris doesn’t like April, there’s nothing I can do about it,’ I explained patiently.
Mum smiled again. ‘Wouldn’t you like it if April stopped trying to come between you and Honey?’ she asked, sounding almost as patient as I did.
‘Hmm,’ I replied. I didn’t know what Mum was up to, and I didn’t want to be too enthusiasticated in case it was something dodgy.
‘Well, I have a theory,’ Mum went on, her eyes twinkling with mischief in a very un-Mum-like way. ‘If we can engineer things so that Nick and April get together for a date, I think I can guarantee that April will lose interest in Honey overnight.’
I pulled the face that Molly calls my Dubious Expression, which is when I turn down the corners of my mouth and raise my eyebrows to show that I am unsure about an idea. Still, maybe Mum had a point. Maybe if April got together with the love of her life, I would be left in peace and quiet with the love of mine – that is, Honey. ‘OK,’ I said. ‘But how are we going to engineer things like that?’
Mum grinned. ‘First we need to arrange for Nick and April to bump into each other without Honey being there,’ said Mum. Her eyes looked a bit crafty now and less twinkly. ‘I think I can organize something,’ she continued, ‘but you’ve got to keep shtum,’ she added, which I guessed must be Mum’s way of saying it would be a secret from April.
She went on to unfold her Masterly Plan. Honestly, everyone seemed to be having Masterly Plans apart from me. I just had to cross my fingers and toes and hope to high heavens above that this one would work . . .
That evening, Mum put one of her most delicious-looking lasagnes in the oven. On the dot of six o’clock April walked through the door. Her lasagne-radar-smell-o-vision was obviously working. ‘
Nice day, dear?’ asked Mum.
‘Yeah, great to be out of this madhouse,’ said April. ‘Is it lasagne for tea?’
‘Yes, but unfortunately Summer and I won’t be able to stay and have it with you,’ said Mum.
‘Oh?’ I could tell April was still very miffed with me and Mum and the Whole World in General as she often is when only one person has upset her and she decides to let everyone in the nearby VICINITY know about it.
‘Yes, er, Summer and I have decided to go to the town hall this evening to a new dog-training class that we’ve only just found out about,’ Mum said. I didn’t think she sounded like she was being very convincing or truthful, but April didn’t seem to notice. ‘We’ll be out for a couple of hours – with Honey too, of course,’ she added. Then she beckoned to me, grabbed the dog lead and her coat and, taking me by the hand, she almost ran out of the house.
‘Don’t bother saving us any lasagne!’ Mum called as we ran to the car with Honey. ‘We’ll grab something in town.’
I wondered whether April would think it was odd that Mum had laid two places for tea.
Mum and I went to the park and played a bit with Honey. She’d packed us some sandwiches so we ate them while Honey chased butterflies and bees and made us laugh.
After a while Mum said she thought it would be fine to go home, so we did. I was hoping that April would be in a better mood now that she had had the house to herself for a bit and that there was lasagne for tea.
As it turned out, she was in a much better mood, but I don’t think it had much to do with the lasagne.
When Mum and I walked into the kitchen, April was still sitting at the table. She had a man with her who I didn’t recognize. I was rather a bit perplexed as this man definitely wasn’t Nick. What was my strange sister up to now? Had she just gone and wrecked Mum’s Masterly Plan by falling in love with a different person?
Then April looked up and said, ‘Hello!’
The man turned round and said, ‘Hello!’ too, and I thought, I recognize that voice, but I still don’t recognize the face.
‘You don’t recognize me, do you, Summer?’ said the man.
Then I realized – and I nearly fainted, which would have meant I was beginning to make a habit of it, so I’m very extremely glad I did not.
It was Nick Harris!
With no beard!
Honey rushed over to him and licked his hand.
‘That’s better,’ said Nick. ‘You like me now, don’t you?’
April was blushing very much indeed, and Mum was smiling a lot.
‘Why haven’t you got a beard?’ I asked. ‘Was this part of your plan, Mum?’
‘Summer!’ she hissed.
‘What plan?’ asked April.
‘Nothing,’ said Mum and started to rummage about in the cupboard as if she was looking for something very important and simply didn’t have time to answer any questions.
Nick laughed. ‘No, Summer, your mum didn’t have anything to do with me shaving off my beard! I just realized that it was – how shall I put it? – coming in between me and someone I quite liked.’
He was patting Honey’s head as he spoke so I asked, ‘What, you mean, you and Honey?’ I felt quite a bit panicky and I hoped he was not going to take my beautiful puppy away from me.
‘NO! Well, not really,’ Nick answered. ‘I wanted to see your sister again, but I could tell that Honey wasn’t going to let me near her as long as I kept my beard. It’s quite common for new puppies not to like men with beards.’
I had a sudden thought. ‘Mum, did you tell Nick why we bought the beards?’ I asked.
April did not seem to appreciate me mentioning the Beard Episode again. She jumped up, knocking the rest of the lasagne on to the floor.
‘Don’t worry, April,’ said Nick. ‘If it wasn’t for your mum, I wouldn’t be here tonight.’
April was speechless, which I think is the very first time in her life since I have known her that she has been.
Nick explained that Mum had called to say that Honey was ill and that this time it was real and could he please come round after six o’clock to see her. Nick had of course said yes, because he is a very professional and caring vet who loves dogs, even dogs who don’t like him and who live in houses with Bearded Ladies.
He had turned up to find that Honey wasn’t there – only April, who invited him in to apologize about the Beard Episode, and they had ended up eating the lasagne together, which is of course exactly what Mum had wanted them to do. They had had a lovely evening and had agreed to see each
other again at the weekend. April started blushing again when Nick said this last bit.
‘But I still don’t understand why you don’t have a beard any more?’ I said.
Nick blushed this time, and because he didn’t have a beard any more, you could see all of the blush.
‘I shaved it off,’ he said.
‘Well obviously,’ I said. ‘But why?’
‘Because I didn’t want April’s puppy to freak out at me,’ he explained. ‘After I saw April wearing a false beard, I thought about why a beautiful girl would go around wearing a beard and then I remembered that Honey had got really upset both times she had seen me at the surgery, so I thought maybe April was trying to get Honey used to seeing a beard. Some of those dog books suggest it as a way of desensitizing your dog,’ he added. ‘So I thought, April won’t bring Honey to see me again if Honey doesn’t get used to beards, and if April doesn’t bring her puppy to see me, I won’t get to see April . . . And so, I shaved off my beard.’
By this time, Nick and April were both grinning and blushing so much they looked like a pair of CERTIFIABLE lunatics and I felt like I wanted to just turn around and leave them both to it. Then I suddenly realized what an Nick Harris had just made. I had to put him straight once and for all before disaster struck . . .