by Sarah Price
“I shall see you tonight, ja?” he asked.
“Tonight?” She’d be so tired, she knew it. Neither had slept and they both had full days ahead of them. But, on the other hand, she couldn’t imagine not seeing him. She wanted to be with him, to stay close to him. The thought of being apart, even if only for a few hours, pained her. “Ja, tonight.”
She managed to hurry inside and upstairs before anyone awoke. As she lay in bed, resting and thinking about what had transpired the night before, she couldn’t believe that she had professed her eternal commitment to Jake Edwards before God. She felt gloriously alive, aware of all her senses. She remembered being in his embrace, feeling his love, and she flushed, biting her lip and shutting her eyes. Jake was right…how could something so wonderful and magical be a sin? But it didn’t matter. They were committed to each other and, soon, she would live with him on the farm. All of this would be behind her.
When she emerged that morning, she smiled at the children and greeted Shana with a warm hug. Shana laughed at her sister-in-law who was normally so quiet and shy. “What in the world?” She hugged her back. “You must have slept well last night. I know you haven’t been doing so since you arrived here.”
Sylvia pulled away. “Why would you say that? I always sleep fine here.” She set about getting the table ready for the morning meal. “But last night was a good night, ja.” She tickled Noah under his chin. He giggled and grabbed at her leg. She laughed and hugged him back.
By midday, Sylvia found that her mind was in a whirl. She wondered what Jake was doing, where he was, and whether he was thinking about her just as much as she was thinking about him. Her distraction was increasingly apparent. She found herself staring out the window and smiling to herself. Once she even caught herself laughing, remembering Jake as he told her funny stories about his childhood as they lay together, entwined in each other’s arms. She had never shared so much with any one person nor had she learned so much about anyone. It was as if a door had opened, a door that she knew could never be shut again.
“Where are you, Sylvia?” Emanuel asked when she was outside helping him with the barn.
She looked up at him. “I’m sorry, Emanuel. Did you say something?”
He leaned against his pitchfork and rested his chin on his folded hands. There was an odd seriousness about her brother’s expression. “You aren’t here right now, are you?”
“I’m sorry, brother,” she said with downcast eyes.
“Daed told me about the Englischer,” he said softly.
“Daed told you what about the Englischer?” she asked, shocked that such a topic would have been discussed. What could there have been to discuss?
Emanuel sighed and walked over to his younger sister. He put his hand on her shoulder and graced her with a kind and understanding smile. “I want to tell you, Sylvia, you will decide what you need to do but it won’t be easy. Whether he joins the community or you decide to leave, you will both have challenges before you.”
“Emanuel!” she exclaimed, her cheeks flooding with color.
“Rely on God. He will not lead you astray. As Daed always says, pray for stronger shoulders, not lighter burdens.” He squeezed her shoulder. “I would not have changed any of it, Sylvia. Make certain that you feel the same way.” And then, he turned back to work, leaving Sylvia in an emotional turmoil.
Part of her wanted to tell him; he had given her the perfect opening. But that was not the Amish way. Her courting period was her own business and not something that was casually shared. Her intention to finalize her marriage to Jake before a church was also her decision and not one that required permission from her parents, family, or friends. So, she kept her silence and bent her head to focus on work.
By the time the evening unfolded, Sylvia found herself energized and anxious, waiting for Shana and Emanuel to retire for the night. She took the two little ones up to bed, tucking them in with a hug, kiss, and soft song. She stood back and watched them sleep, Noah with his thumb stuck into his mouth, Hannah with both of her arms over her head. At just over one year old, Hannah still slept in a crib so Sylvia made certain the side was raised and latched before she quietly retreated out of the door, carrying the kerosene lantern with her.
Shana and Emanuel were seated around the kitchen table. Shana was working on some more mending under the lantern that hung over the table while listening to Emanuel read from the Bible. Sylvia hesitated at the doorway and listened to the passage.
“’Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.’" Emanuel looked up, sensing Sylvia’s presence. “Join us, Sylvia.”
She sat at the table, opposite Shana. “I did not mean to interrupt,” she said meekly.
“You weren’t interrupting,” he replied. “I was reading that passage for you.”
“For me?” she asked.
Shana looked up from her mending, one of Noah’s jumpers. She set it on the table and reached her hand out to take Sylvia’s. “If anyone knows what you are going through, both of us do. You can talk freely to us, Sylvia. Mayhaps that’s why Daed wanted you to come stay here. Instead of being ferhoodled at their house, you could lean on us for advice and support.”
“So you can soar, Sylvia,” Emanuel added with an understanding smile.
She shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
“How serious is this?” Emanuel asked boldly.
“I…I don’t know how to answer that.”
Shana took a deep breath, glancing at Emanuel before plunging forward. She had never been one to hold back what she was thinking. “Has there been any discussion about marriage, Sylvia? And, more importantly, within the church or not?”
Sylvia couldn’t look at either one of them. She never expected to have them confront her. That just wasn’t done. Strength to the weary. The words echoed in her head. If she confessed, would they try to talk her out of it? Understanding that no one can fathom. She shut her eyes and took a deep breath. “Yes and I don’t know.” She looked up, gaining strength from speaking freely. She felt liberated. “We have committed ourselves before God but not before a church,” she admitted. “We want to wait until your baby is born, knowing that you will need help. Then we were going to talk to Daed and Mamm.” There was a silence. Sylvia suspected that they hadn’t expected that response but they did not show any emotion or surprise.
Finally, Emanuel stood up and walked away from the table. He stood at the counter for a few moments, both Shana and Sylvia watching his back. He was thinking, trying to come up with advice for his younger sister. He couldn’t criticize. It was less than five years ago when he, too, had been faced with the same decision. But with Sylvia it seemed so different. She was young and innocent. The Englischer was older than her and more worldly. What was the likelihood of conformity on his part?
Emanuel exhaled loudly and turned around. “If that is your decision, Sylvia, I don’t think you should wait until Shana is back on the mend. We can make due. Mayhaps sister Sarah’s eldest daughter can come help or one of the neighbor girls. A commitment before God…” he hesitated, trying to imagine his youngest sister taking on such a monstrous task. “Ach vell…in the eyes of God, you have already taken that step, ja? And a wife should be with her husband…”
Shana nodded her agreement. “Emanuel speaks wisely, Sylvia.”
Sylvia looked at both them but there was nothing further to be said. She chewed on her lower lip for a minute, realizing that everything seemed to be going too fast. “I’m not certain I understand…”
“You should go home, Sylvia,” Emanuel said. “If you have made that commitme
nt, you need to tell Daed and be done with it.”
Shana covered Sylvia’s hand with own again. “Their disappointment will go away, Sylvia. The night that Emanuel told them that we were going to wed, I thought your mother’s eyes would haunt me forever. But she was more supportive than I thought possible during the wedding and our first year together. She’s stronger than you think…and sees more than you can ever hope to hide.”
Emanuel laughed, “I’ll say.”
Even Sylvia had to smile. “Ja,” she agreed.
Later that evening, she wandered down the lane to wait for Jake. He wasn’t there when she arrived so she hung back in the shadows. She listened to the night and closed her eyes for just a minute. It sounded like her Daed’s farm. The night air was warm and there was not a large breeze. She rubbed at her neck, hoping that she wasn’t too sweaty. When he finally pulled up, it was a little past nine-thirty. He jumped out of the truck and greeted her with an embrace.
“I couldn’t wait to see you,” he said, holding her tightly. She loved being in his arms. He seemed to pull her into him, his arms protectively holding her. He was so much taller than her that she felt like child being dwarfed in a warm bear hug. Often, he stooped down a little which made it feel even warmer.
“Oh Jake! I have such wunderbaar gut news!” She told him about the conversations with Shana and Emanuel. He laughed and spun her around. “To have the support of the family, even just two of them, means so much to me,” she gushed.
He pressed his hands against her face, holding her delicately and staring at her. “I told you that God wanted us together and would find a way.” He lowered his lips down to brush them lightly against hers. When he pulled back, he tilted her chin so that she was looking up at him. “Sylvia, I will go speak to your father tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” Again, she had that surreal feeling. She wondered if all young brides felt this way.
But Jake insisted. He wanted to shield her from the reaction and protect her from any emotional distress. Then, to her disappointment, he bade her an early good-night, telling her that she needed some sleep as did he. She could tell that he was tired by the drawn look in his face. After all, he teased her, they would have plenty of time to spend alone together for the rest of their lives. But this night, when he said good night, there was a difference. This night, he walked her up the driveway to the door of the house, rather than watching her from the end of the driveway. And he had been correct. Despite the energy that flowed throughout her body, she fell asleep within minutes of lying down.
Chapter Twenty
The first morning in Jake’s house, she woke up in his bed to find him still sleeping. It was almost five and the sun was cresting over the horizon. She leaned on her arm and, with her free hand, traced a line down his back. The morning light caught onto the simple gold band on her finger and she stopped, lifting her hand to stare at it. It felt uncomfortable, wearing something around her finger like that. But Jake had insisted, slipping it onto her ring finger just after the ceremony.
When she questioned him with her eyes, he kissed her cheek. “It’s just a little something from my world that I’d like you to consider,” he had said.
His breathing pattern changed and she could sense that he was waking up. She sank back into the pillow and clutched the sheet around her, watching and waiting for her husband to wake at last. “Is it that time already?” he groaned, rolling over slowly. When he opened his eyes and saw her watching him, he cleared the sleep from his throat and reached out with a hand to tousle her loose hair. “Good morning, dear Sylvia,” he said.
“Good morning, dear husband,” she replied.
“Did you sleep well in your new bed? Or rather, what little sleep you had?”
She burrowed her head against his shoulder, suppressing an embarrassed smile. “It is rather early, isn’t it?”
“That isn’t what I meant,” he said, tugging at a strand of her hair that had fallen over her shoulder. He held her close to him, his hand rubbing her bare back. “Who was it who wanted cows anyway?” he teased. But after a few minutes, he took a deep breath and exhaled. “Well, like them or not, they need to be milked, yes?” He tossed the sheet back, exposing her nakedness in the budding morning light, which, despite the intimacy from the night before, caused a blush to color her cheeks. “And as much as I’d prefer to stay here with you…” He swung his legs off the side of the bed.
She sat on her knees behind him, her hands caressing his shoulders. “I should like to help you, Jake.”
He leaned his head back so that his cheek was pressed against hers. With his eyes shut, he breathed in her scent. It was always a clean smell. Fresh and clean. He smiled at her smell and her touch. “Yes, I should like that, too, dear Sylvia.” He forced himself to stand up and moved about in the darkness to get dressed. “And then, this morning, I shall take you out for a post-wedding breakfast. Let someone else wait on both of us so that we can talk and enjoy ourselves.”
“Breakfast out?” she asked. She had never heard of such a thing. Someone else making their breakfast? “But I thought I could make our first breakfast here. I wanted to do that for you,” she added.
He finished putting on a white t-shirt and ran his fingers through his hair. It still looked slept on and messy but in a rugged sort of way. The curls flopped over his forehead, one hanging over his left eye. “Well, since you put it that way, I think that’s a fine idea, too,” he conceded. He leaned down to give her a quick kiss, pausing to smooth back her stray hair from her face and smile into her eyes. “My pretty Sylvia,” he said. “I took the liberty of buying you some new dresses. They’re hanging in the other bedroom. If you don’t like them, we can take them back. I’ll meet you downstairs for a nice cup of honeymoon coffee.” And he left her alone to ponder his words.
New dresses? Bought? She had never worn a store-bought dress. She wondered what was wrong with her other dresses, the ones that she had packed and brought with her. But just as quickly as she thought the question, she knew the answer. Her old dresses were Amish and, despite having been raised that way, she had made the decision yesterday before the Mennonite church that she would never be Amish again.
So, curiosity got the best of her and she wandered into the back bedroom to see what these store bought dresses looked like. Carefully, she opened the door. It creaked, the hinges in desperate need of being oiled. She peered inside but everything seemed exactly as she had left it the last time she had been there with some of Jake’s unpacked cardboard boxes lined up against the side of the wall. She shut the door and hurried to check the other bedroom.
When she opened the door, she couldn’t believe what she saw. Boxes upon boxes were piled on the bed. Some had pretty white bows on them. Others were tied with ribbon. In all of her life, she had never seen so many boxes and she wondered what they were. She looked at the pegs hanging on the wall and, true to his word, she saw several dresses hanging on hangers. Two were sleeveless and floral with tapered waists and decorative buttons down the front. One was a paisley print with slightly ruffled sleeves. She reached out to touch the material. It was soft and cotton, not the normal polyester that her dresses had been made from. She had never worn something so pretty and he wanted her to milk cows in this? She bit her lower lip and hesitated, not wanting to disappoint him. She finally chose the simpler of the two floral dresses.
When she went downstairs, she felt different. She wasn’t wearing her prayer covering and the soft cotton was light against her skin. She had never worn a sleeveless dress and she felt too aware of her bare shoulders. But the look in Jake’s eyes made it worthwhile. He set down his coffee mug and whistled, low under his breath.
“Now, Sylvia Edwards,” he said as he walked toward her. “That’s a beautiful dress!”
“To milk the cows?” she asked, laughing as she lifted the edge of the skirt so that it fanned out. “It seems awfully….fancy.”
Jake caught her in his arms and pulled her close. Nuzzling at her
neck, he whispered, “You see fancy, I see beautiful.” He gave her a warm kiss. “And that’s a work dress, dear Sylvia. Did you see those other boxes?”
“Whatever is in them?” she asked.
“I bought you a few things…I figured you wouldn’t feel comfortable shopping so I did it myself. To spoil you just a little.” His joy radiated from himself. She had never seen him so energized. Reluctantly, he released her from his arms and went to the counter to finish making her coffee. “Now, warm yourself up and let’s go greet our herd for the morning milking.”